Blog Archive

Monday, October 8, 2012


The Asylum brings it's latest creature to the SyFi channel and this could be their best entry yet. The script is moronic, the acting is bad across the board, and the CGI drifts between bad and "What is that suppose to be?" but when you combine all those elements together you get one helluva fun movie.

The United States Ambassador to Venezuela is killed when his boat is attacked by a school of really nasty piranha, at first nobody knows what caused the boats destruction so Secretary of State Bob Grady (Brady Bunch's Barry Williams) calls Special Forces Baddass Jason Fitch (Paul Logan who is basically a poor man's John Cena) to find out what happened. Fitch arrives in Venezuela and is accosted by scientist Sarah Monroe (aging popstar Tiffany) who tells him that it's giant piranha behind the deaths. And why is there giant piranha tooling around the rivers of Venezuela? Well once again scientists are trying to end world hunger by making the food larger (Has this ever turned out to be a good idea?) but what is never explained is why Dr. Monroe was genetically engineering huge and super aggressive piranhas. I guess nobody would go see a movie called "Mega Catfish" Now it's revealed that the Mega Piranha grow exponentially every hour and also have three stomachs, two hearts and can impregnate themselves. Now that's some radical science!

Jason Fitch calls Secretory of State Bob Grady, "There was no explosion, there were no terrorists, it was giant piranha!" How can you not love a movie with dialogue like that?

So stopping the Mega Piranha before they grow big enough to swallow the world becomes our heroes top priority. Unfortunately there is a side plot with a crazy Venezuela colonel who thinks the whole thing is a plot to take over his country. As silly plots go that would be up there with killing a guy by smuggling snakes on a plane. So crazy colonel tries to kill the piranha by shooting them from helicopter gunships but all he accomplishes is blowing up the natural damn that was keeping the Mega Piranha contained in a small estuary. So now they are free and reaching the size of Winnebagos. Now the Mega Piranha are heading downriver towards the ocean and as that type of fish can't survive in salt water this will form a barrier that will allow the military to kill them before they turn around and head somewhere else...I guess? A United States Destroyer bombards the river with 9mm shells from it's deck guns and kills a bunch of them, but guess what? The Mega Piranha can survive in salt water and they attack and eat the destroyer. Next they have a submarine launch a nuclear torpedo at the Mega Piranhas but the big beasts just shrug it off and eat the sub.

The Mega Piranhas are now heading for Florida! Secretory of State Bob Grady wants to launch a full nuclear attack which would hopefully take out the fishy menace but also "sadly" remove the state of Florida from the map. Now Super Soldier Jason Fitch has an idea, earlier he got into a knife fight with one of the piranhas (seriously) and when he injured it the other piranhas went into a feeding frenzy. So his plan now is to lead a Seal Team of scuba clad morons to go toe to fin with the Mega Piranhas who are now reaching the size of two story houses. They'll shoot them in the eyes or gills to make them bleed and spark off a feeding frenzy so that they will wipe each other out (I'm really not sure the makers of this film know how a feeding frenzy works).

Now what truly makes this movie awesome is the Mega Piranhas attack. We get scenes of people screaming and running down the city streets in panic and one would immediately question "Why are they running from piranhas in the middle of a city?" Well that would be because the Mega Piranhas tend to favor suicide attacks by leaping out of the water and crashing into buildings (a visual that left my sides aching from laughter). One Mega Piranha leaps out and impales itself on a lighthouse like a giant shish kabob. Brilliant!

Here is an example of our hero in action: Jason Finch bicycle kicks attacking piranha.

This movie is a must see for fans of aquatic menaces. Two big thumbs up!

No comments: