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Monday, October 8, 2012

Day of the Triffids (2009)

Do you know what John Wyndham's novel Day of the Triffids was missing, it was missing an evil super villain that would hound and threaten the heroes, oh wait no it wasn't that would be retarded, but that's what this latest update of the classic novel throws at us. Eddie Izzard plays Torrence who was aboard a jetliner when a cosmic solar storm made 99 percent of the world blind, the plane crashes in downtown London but Torrence survives because he hid in the planes washroom, surrounded himself with inflatable vests (and yes it looked as dumb as it sounds), and he makes it out with practically not a scratch, just a soot covered face and torn clothing, so he steals a nice suit and proceeds to take over London. He teams up with Major Coker (Jason Priestley) who has the brilliant plan of handcuffing one sighted person with one blind person (he doesn't seem to understand how that ratio wouldn't quite work), but he is betrayed by Torrence and soon Torrence is running the whole show. With a personal army at his beck and call he attempts to create a little fiefdom inside London...well for as long as the Triffids will let him.

Now let's not forget our heroes:

Doctor Bill Masen (Dougray Scott) is a Triffid expert who was temporarily blinded by one of the plants and thus escaped the cosmic blinding that permanently zapped everyone else. His mother was killed by a Triffid when he was six as both her and his father were scientists studying the newly discovered creatures. She wanted to crack the Triffid language as she believed that not doing so would have dangerous repercussions down the road (how right she was), while her husband wanted to make millions genetically altering them so they could produce oil that would save the world from global warming.

Jo Playton (Joely Richardson) is a reporter who survives the cosmic blinding by being off camera when it happened (apparently she was underground for some reason instead of reporting on the invent which is what she was doing when we last saw her). She almost immediate bumps into Bill Masen and the two join forces. They meet up with Torrence but don't want to hang with him because he's creepy Eddie Izzard, but later when they are press-ganged into Coker's army they fall prey to his evil scheme's again, and again, and again. Seriously, Torrence seems to have some personal obsession with her and Masen.

Our heroes escape Torrence (separately as for awhile Jo is told that Bill is dead so that Torrence could have a shot at seducing her) and fight their way pass the Super-Triffids, which act more like a cross between Ents and zombies than your typical roaming man-eating plant, and try to find Bill's father Dennis Masen (Brian Cox) because he may have a solution to the Triffid problem. Everyone meets up at Dennis Masen's house where he has a plan to genetically alter the Triffids a bit further so that the female will spread pollen that will sterilize the males. Sadly Dennis dies when he plays back a recording of a Triffid that causes his imprisoned one to go berserk and kill him. So the plan now shifts to escaping to the Isle if Wight, but that get's interrupted when Torrence and his goons arrive. Torrence tells Bill that he's got 12 hours to come up with away to defeat the Triffids or he's going to rape Jo and kill everyone else. You see, he's eeevil! Also he is very stupid and not once are we given a reason for anyone following him. Bill comes up with a brilliant plan of using the Triffid recording to attract hundreds of the plants so that while Torrence and his men are distracted they can sneak out through hundreds of man-eating plants...oh wait that plan is moronic. Luckily Bill has a flashback of when his mother was killed by the Triffids and how a native put a tribal mask on his face and dribbled Triffid venom through the eye slits. I'm guessing this makes you appear to be a Triffid to the other Triffids because when Bill and company do this the plants sniff them and let them pass, but not before Torrence tries to shoot them. The plants rip the gun out of Torrence's hands and swarm him. Our heroes escape to the Isle of Wight and apparently live happily ever after.

This was a very stupid, stupid movie.

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