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Monday, October 8, 2012

Against the Dark (2009)

Against the Dark: Promoted as Steven Seagal vs. Vampires this film sucks on toast in more ways than one can imagine. This is the latest installment of "Why do they keep paying Seagal to be in action movies?"

Some Points to Ponder

1. No vampires in this movie just infected people that turn all crazed cannibal like and need to feed on human flesh. Some do apparently like to file their teeth.

2. Steven Seagal leads a group of "vampire" hunters that all dress in leather (Seagal of course wears his black leather trench coat buttoned up to hide his ever increasing bulk), and mainly use swords and knives when it is clearly established that these things can easily die from being shot. Hell, some get taking out by being punched.

3. The movie mainly focuses on a group of survivors trapped in a hospital and their attempts to find away out. Something is mentioned about a security door in the subbasement as being the only way out and only if the generator doesn’t fail. I had no idea it was that hard to leave a hospital. I guess they are really concerned about patients skipping without paying.

4. Seagal is basically a glorified cameo in this movie and doesn’t even hook up with the main characters until well past the hour mark. This of course is not necessarily a bad thing in this case.

5. Seagal does almost no fighting in this film except to wave his katana around and occasionally kick someone. Most the fight stunt work is done by one of his flunkies.

6. There are two girls in Seagal’s team, both attractive all leathered up, but of course given no character or lines of dialogue. When one gets bit, and presumably infected, Seagal runs her through we’re not sure if we’re suppose to care.

7. Keith David cameos as a military dude who is in charge of “cleansing” the infected and this of course means bombing the crap out of the area are “heroes” are in and thus giving us a “suspenseful” timeline to worry about.

8. Two characters make reference to the fact that “If we’re the only ones left maybe we are the monsters.” Fuck the right off movie!

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