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Thursday, June 22, 2017

The Sentinel (1977) – Review

From the late 60s and throughout the 70s there were some very successful horror movies dealing with Satanic forces; poor Mia Farrow getting knocked up by the Devil in Rosemary’s Baby, little Linda Blair being possessed by a demon in The Exorcist, or Gregory Peck finding out his son is the Anti-Christ in The Omen, but one little gem that didn’t make as big a splash as it’s contemporaries was a little flawed gem called The Sentinel.  Today we will delve into where this horror adaptation went right and where it failed.

Based on the book by Jeffrey Konvitz the story of The Sentinel deals with a young woman who moves into an old brownstone apartment building, meets a group of eccentric neighbors, and then learns that almost everyone around her has malicious intent and sinister motives. Now those of you who have read or seen the film version of Rosemary’s Baby you can clearly tell that this story is a tad derivative but it still does manage to be effective, mainly due to the amazing cast director Michael Winner managed to assemble, and it provides enough creepy moments to make a viewing warranted by any fan of the genre.


Also included are several severely fucked up moments.

Our heroine is a fashion model by the name of Alison Parker (Christina Raines), who has several mental issues stemming back from the time she walked in on her decrepit father having sex with a pair of prostitutes, her father’s brutal reaction to said interruption and her following attempted suicide is just the foundation of her problems. Though she is dating successful lawyer Michael Lerman (Chris Sarandon) she’s still not ready to tie the knot and wants an apartment of her own, and this leads to her being shown a gorgeous furnished  brownstone apartment in Brooklyn by real estate agent Miss Logan (Ava Gardner).  The place does look amazing, that is if you let slide the fact that there is creepy blind priest Father Halliran (John Carradine) who lives in the attic and does nothing but “stare” out the window all day.  When the agent quotes the rent as being $500 dollars a month Alison tells her, “I’m afraid that’s too much” Miss Logan responds, “$400 is not excessive.” This is our first clue that things may not be exactly on the up and up with this place, and that’s before she runs into her neighbor Charles Chazen (Burgess Meredith) who puts the X in eccentric.


“I’m totally not an agent of Hell.”

Alison’s life begins to take a downward spiral as she starts to suffer from crippling headaches, nightmares and insomnia, the latter not being helped by the stomping and banging every night from the person living in the apartment above. This is the first problem with the film's plot as Alison's staying in this apartment becomes more and more unbelievable as time goes on.  Being invited to a cat’s birthday party and dancing the polka with Burgess Meredith is one thing but then you have a bizarre lesbian couple played by Sylvia Miles and Beverly D’Angelo (in her screen debut) who masturbates in front of Alison while her partner is making coffee, this stretched credulity a tad, and when Alison asks them what they do for a living she is told…


“We fondle each other.”

I’m all for healthy displays of affection but I don’t normally masturbate in front of somebody in the first five minutes of meeting them. But the real kicker is that when she complains to Miss Logan about the odd tenants she is told, “My dear Miss Parker aside from the priest, and now of course you, nobody has lived in that building for three years.” And what does dear Miss Parker do after learning that little tidbit? Why she returns to the apartment to try and get a good night’s sleep. It’s at this point I lost what little sympathy I had for our lead character, she doesn’t come across as a plucky young heroine determined to crack the mystery of this building, instead she's more the kind of bloody idiot who if was sucked through the gates of Hell we as an audience would only sigh and say “Well, we totally saw that coming.” It’s at this moment in the film that the largest horror cliché is rolled out as when awoken again by strange noises at night she decides to investigate the noises armed with a knife and flashlight and in her bloody nightie. I will admit as silly and moronic as her motivations are, and you can feel the believably meter practically breaking down under the strain, the scene is still rather effective and downright spooky.  She stalks the dark rooms until eventually being attacked by the living corpse of her recently deceased father.


It looks like she stumbled into Resident Evil: Biohazard.

I will give her some credit here as she stabs the shit out of her walking dead dad, but once she makes it to the street her character kind of checks out of the movie. Christina Raines is a fine actress but she isn’t given much to do here, not helped by the fact that apparently director Michael Winner was a complete shit to her on set, and once she survives this horrific encounter with ghost of her father the movie kind of switches into mystery solving mode with her boyfriend Michael trying to figure out what is going on. So basically her character goes from being rather passive to almost non-existent. The interesting thing here is that once she claims to have murdered her dead father the police get involved, even though there is no body or any evidence of an attack, but Detective Gatz (Eli Wallach) and his partner Detective Rizzo (Christopher Walken) have a history with Michael Lerman as his first wife committed suicide and his mistress died of an overdose. Gatz is sure that Lerman is dirty and though he failed to nail him for the previous deaths he hopes this stuff with Alison will give him another shot.


I’d love to see a movie starring Wallach and Walken as buddy cops.

Unfortunately this goes nowhere, we get a couple of scenes of them investigating but after they discover that the supposed tenants Alison claims to have seen are all dead murderers, and the body of an private investigator hired by Lerman turns up dead as well, they vanish from the movie. They aren’t even allowed to show up in the epilogue like Lieutenant Kinderman did in The Exorcist. Instead of delving into how law enforcement would deal with supernatural forces the movie turns its focus on Lerman running his own investigation on the building and its inhabitants, and when he learns that the building is owned by the church he hires a safecracker to help him break in and rifle their files. It’s at this point the big reveal happens, apparently over the centuries a secret organization within the Catholic Church has been finding people who have attempted suicide and then they turn them into guardians of the Gates of Hell.  That the Gate of Hell is in Brooklyn makes total sense, Trump Tower not having been built yet, and Alison Parker is to be Father Halliran’s replacement.


Needless to say the residents of Hell aren’t keen on there being a new Sentinel.

When Lerman tries to strangle Father Halliran, to save her from a fate worse than death, he is bludgeoned to death by Monsignor Franchino (Arthur Kennedy) who is the current Church agent behind the Sentinel program. What follows is a nice twist where a now dead Lerman shows up with the legions of Hell because he was in fact responsible for the death of his wife, and I’m betting trying to strangle a blind and in-firmed priest is pretty high on the “Don’t Do List” of how to get into Heaven. Alison shows up, having slipped away from a party she was told to attend while her boyfriend went off investigating, and she is given the skinny on her new role by the now dead and damned Lerman. She is then chased by Chazen, and his disturbing minions of Hell, until she is cornered up in the attic.  It’s there in the attic that Chazen tries to convince her to commit suicide so that she can avoid the torment of being a Sentinel, but just then Monsignor Franchino and Father Halliran show up (was Halliran on a smoke break during all this?) and with brandished cross they force back the cursed and the damned. Then like a mindless zombie Alison takes her place in the Sentinel's chair.


Hooray…I guess?

As horror movies go The Sentinel is not the cream of the crop, nor is it one of the countless dregs of the genre that followed in the wake of The Exorcist, but instead it kind of sits there as a novelty of the “Devil is Here” subset, and it is bolstered up by a cast of veteran actors as well as many up and coming stars; aside from those already mentioned this film includes the likes of José Ferrer, Martin Balsam, Jerry Orbach, William Hickey, Jeff Goldblum and an uncredited cameo by Richard Dreyfus. That’s one helluva cast for a horror movie and if the script had maybe a few more drafts this could have been a classic, but as is there's just too many abandoned threads and unanswered questions for the whole thing to hold together. Now I’m not the kind of person who has to have every “t” crossed and ever “i” dotted but this film trots out tons of characters but then leaves most of them underdeveloped, and it waits till almost the very end of the movie to introduce us to the whole "Sentinel" mythology, which by that point we've long stopped carrying about Alison and her problems.

Then just when you thought the movie was over we get this idiotic stinger ending where the film jumps ahead several years, where the old apartment building has since been demolished and a new one has taken its place. Real estate agent Miss Logan is back at it with her finding of new residents as she gives two newcomers (played by Tom Berenger and future Deep Space Nine star Nana Visitor) a tour of their new home, obviously implying that one of them will become the new Sentinel.


“I’m too old for this shit.”

But this raises one huge question, “What happened to the Gate of Hell between the time the original building was torn down and the construction of the new one?” Did the Vatican ring up the Devil and call a “Time Out” until they had it rebuilt? Was Alison allowed some vacation time during all this or did they just give her a folding chair to sit in among the wreckage? A stinger ending should make you want to find out what happens next not make you wonder what the fuck just happened. That all said The Sentinel is a decent if flawed horror and is well worth checking out...but if Burgess Meredith shows up run!

Monday, June 19, 2017

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. “The Finny Foot Affair” (1964) – Review

The popularity of the James Bond films lead to one of the best espionage action shows on television in the form of the The Man from U.N.C.L.E. which had a tone that ran from taught thriller to almost campy fun at times, but midway through season one we got a delightful blend of serious spy action, with a nice dash of fun, as secret agent Napoleon Solo found himself teamed up with a young Kurt Russell.

The episode has a rather grim beginning as we open on a small Scottish island where all of the inhabitants seem to have died rather suddenly. American Napoleon Solo (Robert Vaughn) and Soviet Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum) arrive via helicopter, one that is helpfully named branded U.N.C.L.E. on the side, which makes one wonder what kind of secret international agency these guys are running if they label their vehicles so obviously. The two agents step out of their helicopter wearing 60s versions of hazmat suits and start to investigate the scene, a scenario that looks chilling familiar if you’ve seen The Andromeda Strain which hit theaters seven years later, and when the pair begin to investigate the village they soon discover that not one soul is left alive.


“This man is not sawing wood, he’s dead.”

This is pretty bleak stuff for your average 60s television show and it gets even darker, after finding a mysterious crate with a note attached to it that reads, “To Highest Authority Open only under controlled conditions” Solo and Kuryakin load it into the helicopter and then proceed to use incendiary grenades to destroy the village. They don’t even know the cause of the mass deaths but whether it's because of the threat of a possible contagion spreading, or possibly they don’t want word of such an atrocity getting out, they take extreme measures to get rid of all evidence of it ever happening.


Meanwhile in Norway we meet our villains.

Much of the series had Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin facing off against U.N.C.L.E.’s opposing organization THRUSH but as WWII was not so long ago when this show aired we occasionally got leftover Nazis and Japanese villains to fill the roster of threats to the free world. In this episode the chief villain is General Yokura (Leonard Strong) and his villainous femme fatale Tomo (Tura Satana), and as we are introduced to them we learn that General Yokura is very angry that agents of U.N.C.L.E. had beaten him to the site and retrieved what could be an important clue before he could get his own men there. He quickly gives orders for Solo and Kuryakin’s helicopter to be shot down, but he didn’t take into account U.N.C.L.E. equipping their helicopters with air to ground rockets that easily dispatch the bad guys. Our heroes escape but Kuryakin took a round in the arm and so he’s basically out of commission for the bulk of the episode.


He is replaced by a young Snake Plisken.

Back in London offices of U.N.C.L.E. the contents of the crate is revealed to be a Pinnipedia Otaridae, meaning “finny footed” and “having ears” or in layman’s terms a common eared seal. An autopsy reveals that the seal's last meal was a feast of blue-gilled sardines, a very uncommon variety only found off the coast of Norway. The doctor informs them, “That the though it is an unmistakenly young seal he unquestionably died of old age.” Solo noting that all the residents of the island appeared to have been very old when they died he deduces that some foreign chemical must have been ingested by the sardines who in turn were eaten by this seal, along with some of his brethren, and they washed ashore on this lone Scottish island where the villagers fell victim to it as well. Director Waverly (Leo G. Carroll) benches the wounded Kuryakin and sends Solo to the town of Bergen in Norway to find the origins of the “Age Plague” and if it is a weapon of an enemy power he is to put a stop to it.


“Relax, what trouble could a single agent have against unknown forces?”

While at the London airport Solo saves a boy by the name of Christopher Larson (Kurt Russell) from being run over by a luggage cart, and for some reason this causes the young man to decide that Solo would be a perfect husband for his widowed mom. The kid notices Solo’s luggage name tag and states, “That’s kind of funny name, but I guess I could get used to it.” He then proceeds to inform Solo that his mom is a very pretty widow and a good cook, and that he is off to visit his grandparents in Bergen, Norway, “Oh, uh, you aren’t married, are you?” he quickly asks.  After Solo walks off to take care of some business Chris goes to the ticket counter and has his ticket for New York City exchanged for one to Bergen. Now Robert Vaughn is very suave and cool character but this kid goes straight into stalker mode just because of one act of kindness, you got to wonder what his home life was like that he is so eager to have a new dad.


I guess finding a dad in the 60s was tough business.

The business Solo had to take care of was checking in with headquarters and from Kuryakin he learns that their agent in Norway is dead but before he died he managed to smuggle something to them, a strange oversized ring and a cryptic message “Marry the Maiden” but unfortunately for our heroes the agents of General Yokura were listening in the phone call and now plan to intercept Solo and retrieve the ring. An agent tries to deliver the ring to Solo, who is patiently waiting for his plane, but the man is intercepted by an assassin. Christopher witnesses the agent being stabbed, who was at least able to kill his assassin, and Chris is even more shocked when the dying man gives Chris the ring to deliver to Solo.


“Here kid, try not to get murdered.”

The traumatized kid boards the plane but he takes a while to finally tell Solo what he witnessed.  Upon taking possession of the strange ring Solo convinces the kid that what he witnessed was a practical joke that his friend was pulling, and that the blood he saw was just ketchup.  This subterfuge doesn't last long for when they arrive at Bergen a group of enemy agents, led by the beautiful and dangerous Tomo, try grab Solo and retrieve the ring, but our "hero" uses the kid as cover to escape through the luggage area.  The rest of the episode proceeds along these lines with the villains chasing after Solo and the kid, narrowly escaping death at every turn, and even at one point they are captured and are only able to escape when Solo uses a novelty toy that Chris had as a distraction which allows them to shoot their way out, with the poor boy still in tow.


Chris is going to have the best “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay ever.

While being “interrogated” by General Yokura Solo learned that the villains are after a chemical known as J-47 which was developed by a Japanese scientist during the war in a secret laboratory here in Norway. The man who developed this accelerated ageing chemical only made one small batch before he died, having succumbed to “Romantic fantasies of guilt” he overdosed himself on the stuff.  General Yokura wants that last batch of the formula and he believes Solo knows where it is. Of course Solo doesn’t have a clue where the hidden supply is but when he and Chris arrive in Stromberg he notices a statue called “Maiden of Norway” and he deduces that putting the oversized ring on the statue’s ring finger is what the clue was alluding to.


It’s like a Nancy Drew mystery only with a pretty high body count.

Peering through the ring, once placed on the finger of the statue, Solo sees that it points towards a cave up on a coastal cliff side. When Chris climbs up on the statue to see for himself Solo spots a tracking device on the back of the kid’s belt, obviously planted by General Yokura so he could follow them to the lost chemical, solo attaches the tracking device to the collar of a local dog and then yells “Fetch!” and tosses a stick into the water. The dog dives in after it and Solo and Chris beat it to the hills to find the last remains of J-47, with the hopes that Yokura and company will be busy following the dog. It was a great plan but unfortunately the dog was also a great tracker and it manages to follow the pair to the cave.


Man’s best friend my ass.

General Yokura, Tomo, and a couple of goons arrive at the cave and Solo, Chris and the dog are soon trapped inside. What Yokura doesn’t know is that not only did Solo find the hidden chamber where the last metal drum holding J-47 was placed but he discovered that over the years the metal drum had rusted through and in time all of the chemical had all poured out of a hole and made its way down to the ocean below.  There is no more J-47 left, it’s either dried up or washed out to sea where the sardines ended up eating the stuff. . Solo tries to explain this to Yokura, who of course doesn’t believe him, and we are then treated to a nice little gun battle. Solo kills one of the men while Chis knocks another goon unconscious, and when the man comes to Solo forces him to call out to Yokura to say that Solo is dead. The happy general enters the cave only to find himself facing the very not dead Man from U.N.C.L.E.


Do not screw with Napoleon Solo.

After shooting the General Yokura our hero turns to Tomo and asks, “What about you? I thought it was the old Japanese custom for the servant to follow the master by hari-kari.” She glibly responds, “You’ve got the wrong century, Jack.” I must say that Robert Vaughn makes a pretty badass spy and is certainly no knock-off James Bond, and the first season of the show was probably more in keeping with the tone of Ian Fleming’s books rather than the later Bond movies. The Finny Foot Affair is a damn fine episode and is absolutely a great kid’s adventure story with Kurt Russell playing the part that every red blooded American boy would dream to have. Who wouldn’t want to be a Junior James Bond?


And meet exotic femme fatales.

The episode has a sweet epilogue where Solo and Christopher arrive at the New York City airport and Napoleon is shocked to find out that Chris no longer finds him to be proper dad material, “I like you an awful lot, Mr. Solo, but I still got to take care of mother first. Well she needs somebody to be around a lot, you know to kiss and stuff. Well, being a spy and all you probably wouldn’t be able to spend much time at home. Well that would make my mother awful unhappy.” So Chris decides he needs to shop around a little more for a father.


It’s actually a really sweet moment.

Of course it has to end on a nice comic moment with Solo spoting Mrs. Larson who turns out to be a beautiful blonde, and Waverly drags Solo away before the man can chase after the pair. As televised adventure shows go The Man from U.N.C.L.E. was one of the best and it still holds up remarkably, and seeing a young Kurt Russell tussling with a gang of villains is just the cherry on the top of this rather excellent episode.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Coherence (2013) – Review

Never trust a comet, it's as simple as that, if they aren’t blinding people ala Day of the Triffids they are turning the population into red dust or mutants vis-à-vis Night of the Comet but in James Ward Byrkit's directorial debut the nature and effects of the comet are of a more subtle and insidious nature. Coherence is a clever independent film that dabbles in metaphysical ideas and quantum mechanics, but as the cast of characters are just your average suburbanites we see such themes through the eyes of horror and paranoia.

Written and directed by James Ward Byrkit Coherence is more of an "improv theatre experience" than it is an intricately plotted science fiction tale as the actors received no script, they’d get notes each night based on each of their characters, and it would be up to Byrkit to guide the ensemble based on the treatment he had developed. Shot in continuity over five nights at Byrkit’s home the story of Coherence deals with eight people coming together for a dinner party the night of a mysterious comet passing and the effects of said passing. The group of actors Byrkit assembled for his film are mostly known for roles on various television shows, Nicholas Brendon being the most recognizable, but it’s the lack of big name stars which gives the movie that air of reality and the added science fiction elements become easier to digest as well as a making them a little more grounded.

Trivia Note: In this film Nicholas Brendon plays an actor who starred on the television show Roswell when of course he starred as Xander Harris on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

The crux of the story is that a dinner party is interrupted by a power failure during the comet's passing, the inability to use their cellphones or the internet adding trouble to the situation, but then a house two blocks away is seen to be the only place with lights still on, so two of the guests decide to investigate. It’s at this point one can see how Byrkit was inspired by Rod Serling’s The Twilight Zone as the arguing and fighting that follows is very reminiscent of the episode “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” and as the story of Coherence unfolds we get a glimpse of who the real monsters are.

"Who goes there?" is a major theme here.

The science fiction hook here is that it’s discovered that the house down the street is populated by the same eight dinner guests we'eve already met and that somehow the comet’s passing has fractured reality and whenever someone heads down the street they pass through a “Dark Zone” and cross over into one of many alternate realities.  The key issue that plagues our “heroes” is in trying to figure out if the people in the room with you are from "your" reality or if in fact you have been lost from your world. This of course leads to more infighting and rampant paranoia as people run in and out of the house, for one insane reason or another, and then wondering if those coming back are the same ones who left. We get cool moments such as one person writing a note to pin on the door of the “other” house only to then hear a noise outside and discover that very same note already pinned on their door.  At one point they recover cryptic box from the “other” house that is full of photographs of the guests but more disturbing than the idea that they may have a stalker is that the handwriting on back of the photos matches that of a guest named Emily (Emily Baldoni) who is the character that slowly transforms into the film’s chief protagonist.

"Trust me, I'm not an evil doppelganger."

This is a smart film and its improv nature only works because it follows a very strong treatment written by Byrkit, one that tackles some pretty heavy metaphysical shenanigans, but it is not without flaws as some of the character reactions are less than believable; case in point Nicholas Brendon's character wanting to murder the other versions of themselves based on almost no evidence that these "others" are a threat. This leap to violent paranoia happens a little too fast and murder seems a bit too harsh of a way to solve a mystery. This is the kind of thing that can be expected when you have eight actors working without a script so that can be forgiven, but as a whole the cast is quite excellent and when the film reaches its conclusion we are treated to a philosophical quandary that has the viewer wondering “What would I have done in that situation?” which is more than you get out of your average science fiction movie these days. I highly recommend this one.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Latitude Zero (1969) – Review

Toho Studios may mostly be known for their Godzilla and other kaiju movies but in the late 60s they created a little gem called Latitude Zero where an altruistic Nemo type did battle with his nefarious evil counterpoint and his monstrous creations.  Now to capture some of that good ole American box office Toho wasn’t shy about importing American actors, thus this film sports a cast that includes the likes of Richard Jaeckel, Cesar Romero and Joseph Cotten, and in case you were wondering it was as awesome as it sounds.

This movie doesn’t so much as have a plot as it does a series of events that unfold during its 105 minute running time, and would have probably worked well as a pilot for a fantastic television, but as plots were never the strong suit of Toho Studios its lack of such is something one kind of comes to expect. Latitude Zero opens with narration explaining to the viewer that a Japanese research vessel has come to the equator to investigate something called The Cromwell Current, and where a bathysphere containing Dr. Ken Tashiro (Akira Takarada) physicist and oceanographer, Dr. Jules Masson (Masumi Okada) a French geologist, and Perry Lawton (Richard Jaeckel) a photographer from Transglobe News is lowered into the depths.


“I hope we run into some hot mermaids.”

Things go bad rather quickly when a seismic eruption rips the bathysphere from its mooring cable and tosses it across the seabed, but lucky for our heroes the advanced submarine Alpha, commanded by Captain Craig Mackenzie (Joseph Cotten), just so happened to be nearby to monitor the seismic activity and our trio is rescued. Jules and Perry’s injuries are quickly healed by the super science aboard the Alpha but Ken’s injuries are too severe for the onboard medical equipment and so the Alpha is forced to abandon its research mission and return to its base.


Joseph Cotten certainly rocks that green scarf.

Unfortunately it’s not all that peaceful under the sea thanks to the villainous Dr. Malic (Cesar Romero) who works out of his evil lair on the secret island of Blood Rock. We learn that Malic and Mackenzie were old schoolmates back in the day but where Mackenzie’s career choices led to the creation of an undersea world in the hopes of aiding mankind Malic on the other hand decided to go the super villain world conquering route. A more interesting note is that Mackenzie and Malic are both over two hundred years old and the submarine Alpha was apparently launched back in 1805. How or why this is the case is never really explained but as later we see that Mackenzie has a pool of water that a three minute dunking in grants a person twenty-four hours of immortality I’m going to assume “Super Science” is the reason. Their difference in world views has made Malik hell-bent on destroying his old school chum.


“The bastard also refused to sign my yearbook.”

While heading for Mackenzie’s undersea kingdom they are attacked by the Black Shark, a submarine captained by Malik’s chief minion Captain Kroiga (Hikaru Kuroki). The Black Shark is faster and better armed than the Alpha but Mackenzie’s clever maneuvering, as well as some new modification to his sub, allows our heroes to escape and safely dock inside underwater paradise known as Latitude Zero. Now there have been many underwater cities depicted in various movies and televisions shows up to this point in time but this one is more of a bloody underwater country than it is a mere city. It has research buildings, hospitals, community centers, farms and districts with varying architecture depending on the particular residents tastes and nationality.


Think of it as a giant undersea version of Disney's Epcot Center.

Professional cynic Lawton can’t believe Mackenzie when he is told no one is in charge of Latitude Zero but according to Mackenzie when greed is no longer a factor there is no need have power over one’s neighbors or become Top Dog, and as the community mainly consists of scientists, that he secretly invited to Latitude Zero over the years, it is an interesting theory. Many of the residents walk around in gold lame outfits, as this is a science fiction movie that’s kind of expected, but as everyone here is immortal some tend to walk around in the clothing of the time period they came from.

We learn that over the centuries Mackenzie has been sending agents abroad to collect like-minded individuals to take part in his dream, and they also secretly sneak some of their scientific achievements to the topside world, but of course Malik is the fly in the ointment and the main plot of this movie is him trying to kidnapped world renowned scientist Dr. Okada (Tetsu Nakamura) who has come up with an inoculation for radiation. The Black Shark intercepts the ocean liner that was carrying Dr. Okado and his daughter Tsuruko (Mari Nakayama), before they could rendezvous with agents from Latitude Zero, and the two are brought back to Blood Rock. Not only does Malik hope to get the secrets from Okado but he also wants to lure Mackenzie into a trap with the captured scientist as bait.


Dr. Okado and daughtered menaced by Malik’s monstrous minions.

Will our heroes team-up with Captain Mackenzie to rescue Professor Okado and his daughter? Will Ken Tashiro fall in love with the beautiful Dr. Anne Barton (Linda Haynes) who looked to have fallen in love with him while he was still unconscious from his injuries? What of Lucretia (Patricia Medina) Malik’s lover and confidante, will her jealousy of Kroiga’s affections for Malik doom them all? Of course yes is the answer to all of those questions but it’s the last one that leads to the film’s most interesting moment. After the Black Shark failed to destroy the Alpha Malik promised Lucretia that he’d do away with Kroiga but instead of the standard "Dump henchperson into a piranha pool" plan he instead has her brain transplanted into the body of lion that he then grafts condor wings onto, and then sicks her on Mackenzie and friends.


That’s some next level mad scientist shit right there.

There may just be one slight flaw with that plan; if you’ve put the brain of someone you just betrayed inside the body of a giant killing machine how does one expect this monster to react? Oh, did I forget to mention he also used a ray that increased the monster three sizes? So while our gold lame wearing heroes traipse across Blood Rock, fighting off giant rats and bat monsters, the Kroiga-Griffin just watches, not giving two shits what our heroes do. Malik is forced to flee aboard the Black Shark, stupid Griffin not doing her job, but Malik’s not out of the fight yet. Mackenzie and company managed to make it back to the Alpha but Malik was waiting for them, and even though the Alpha’s newest modification allows it to fly it doesn’t look like it can escape the deadly laser cannon aboard the Black Shark…or that would have been the case if the Kroiga-Griffin didn’t attack the Black Shark causing its laser to misfire which then resulted in both it and the island exploding.


Who could have seen this coming? Oh yeah, everyone.

Latitude Zero is an immensely goofy science fiction movie, but it is incredibly fun and there is just so much to enjoy with this thing; Cesar Romero hamming it up wonderfully as he did on the Adam West Batman series, Richard Jaeckel is no stranger to Japanese production as he starred in the sci-fi monster flick The Green Slime, he does a good turn as the jaded hero, and Joseph Cotton…well he kind of looks tired and was probably doing this film so he could buy a nice new boat or something. This isn’t the kind of movie that would ever win a Best Foreign Film award but if you got some youngster in your family this could be a movie that may turn them onto more Toho films.  My two little nieces just love Toho’s monsters and the suitmation in this film is really good so it really has something for everyone of all ages. The film was directed by the great Ishirô Honda and has a fantastic score by the legendary composer Akira Ifukube, so if you are up for a fun afternoon matinee viewing of submarines, monsters and campy acting you couldn’t pick a better movie.

Note: I like to imagine that this movie is a prequel to the Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer Christmas Special and that Kroiga survived the destruction of Blood Rock and is now ruling the Island of Misfit Toys.

Friday, June 9, 2017

The Mummy (2017) - Review

What if Giles from Buffy the Vampire the Slayer was also Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? This is very much the vibe that Universal’s first installment in their new Dark Universe movie series gives off, and this could lead to problems later on as the last thing you want in your multi-million dollar franchise is for it to come off as an overblown television show. Clearly the hiring of Hollywood heavyweights Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe is a key component in overcoming this feeling but regardless of star power this version of The Mummy does seem more like a pilot to a TV series than it does a stand-alone movie.

This rendition of The Mummy follows the adventures of Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) an American reconnaissance officer stationed in Iraq who, along with his partner Chris Vail (Jake Johnson), spend most of his time scouring the local terrain for treasure and not so much doing his actually job as part of the United States military. When a firefight with some insurgence accidentally reveals an ancient Egyptian tomb, being they are in Iraq everyone finds this rather odd, and our heroes plunge into the depths of the tomb with archeologist Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis) to discover it's secrets. While there they come across the resting place of the lost Egyptian princess Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella) who we later learn was so mummified and imprisoned because she murdered her father and baby brother when it looked like she was losing her spot as heir apparent.

The face of evil has never been prettier.

Needless to say things go rather badly. Poor hapless sidekick Chris is bitten by a spider and turned into some kind of zombie Renfield to Ahmanet while the military transport plane bringing Ahmanet’s sarcophagus back to England is downed by a flock of crows. Jenny is the only survivor because just before it crashed Nick was able to get her into a parachute (being saved is her sole character trait), but later Nick wakes up in the morgue wondering what the hell is going on. It’s at this point we are introduced to Dr. Jekyll (Russell Crowe) who is the head of Prodigium, a secret society dedicated to the hunting of supernatural threats and is based under the Natural History Museum of London. While Jekyll tries to fill poor "not dead" Nick on what is happening we watch as Jekyll has to inject himself with a serum to prevent his Mr. Hyde persona from making an appearance, sadly this has nothing to do with the movie we are watching and is all part of the “world building” for the Dark Universe the studio is praying will make them loads of money, and in my opinion is a pretty big misstep.

"Believe it or not but I'm younger than Tom Cruise."

When Marvel released Iron Man back in 2008 there was no grand plan for a cinematic connected universe so no other Marvel characters from other comics were ham-fisted in, but then with the success of that movie, and the many that followed, a shared universe was born. They key difference between Marvel and Universal here is that one seemed organic while the other seems forced and clunky. This movie has more in common with the laughably bad League of Extraordinary Gentlemen than it does Boris Karloff's The Mummy from 1932 or even the Brendan Fraser reboot from 1999 as it seems more a haphazard mashup of bits and pieces than a movie that can stand on its own two legs.

The movie is it's own Frankenstein's monster.

Universal attempted to get their shared universe off the ground back in 2014 with Luke Evans as the title character in Dracula Untold, but then it flopped and Universal kicked it to the curb in favor of this one with mega-star Tom Cruise who I guess becomes some kind of monster fighter who will then tackle the rest of the Universal Monster line-up which so far includes; The Bride of Frankenstein, The Creature of the Black Lagoon, The Invisible Man, Van Helsing, The Wolf Man Frankenstein, Dracula, The Phantom of the Opera and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I’m not sure how many of these entries Mr. Cruise is going to make, he is certainly not cheap and is often busy making Mission Impossible movies, but it looks Crowe’s character is set-up to be the Nick Fury of this franchise.

Now I will say this version of The Mummy is not a complete garbage fire, Cruise is his ever charismatic self and there are some really good nail-biting action scenes on display, and I did like the gender swap that landed Sofia Boutella as the title character, but one never got the sense of excitement or fun that I’m betting the studio was trying for. There was much to like in this movie, and if Universal had the courage to take it slow with their universe building it could have been a solid movie, but as is the film does kind of feel like an expensive pilot for a new HBO series.


White Walkers would totally fit in here.

Final Thoughts:
• The ghost of decaying best friend Chris popping up to invisibly harass Nick seems like a blatant/homage to dead Jack from An American Werewolf in London.
• Why was there a pulley system in place to raise the sarcophagus out of her tomb when no one on Earth would want her free?
• In the workrooms of the Prodigium we get a glimpse of a bottled arm of The Creature From the Black Lagoon and there is a vampire skull on display.
• The Book of Death from the Brendan Fraser Mummy makes a quick appearance.
• We also get the same giant sandstorm Mummy face as we did in the 90s entry.
• If it takes the knife and the jewel together to bring the god Set into the world why didn’t the Crusader knights just smash the jewel instead of hiding it?

Monday, June 5, 2017

The Stewardesses (1969) NSFW - Review

Before the internet brought porn into millions of homes people actually had to go out to the theatre to see women frolic around in the nude while having wild sexual encounters Behind a Green Door or dealing with such medical problems as being Insatiable or performing Deep Throat. In the late 60s and on into the 70s feature length pornographic films were big business and with films like the aforementioned Behind the Green Door with Marylyn Chambers and Deep Throat with Linda Lovelace the "porno chic" boom was launched with quite a financial reward.  Now arriving just ahead of this wave of movies was the 1969 film The Stewardesses, which had the added bonus of being in 3D because producer, writer and director Al Silliman Jr hoped that even though his film was not all that hardcore or explicit adding the 3D gimmick would boost box office sales, and he was right.

Though The Stewardesses is a softcore sex flick, thus focusing more on nudity and not explicit shots of people's junk doing the nasty, but that didn’t stop it from having the same lack of plot as about 99% of porno movies out there; the pizza delivery boy will always be bringing extra sausage and as the title of this movie denotes a bunch of “sexy” stewardesses are going spend the next ninety minutes participating in all kinds of sexual shenanigans.


Only this time out the sex will be “Coming right at you!”

There is no plot to The Stewardesses, being more a collection of sexual vignettes than any kind of story, as we follow this particular group of trans-pacific stewardesses to see how each of them spends their layover time getting laid. The movie opens with Wendy Blake (Janet Wass) getting a solid rogering in a motel room while one of her fellow flight attendants bangs on the door to inform her they have a flight to catch. Meanwhile studmuffin of the skies Captain Brad Masters (William Condos) suits up for a day of flying the friendly skies while stewardess Samantha Howard (Christina Hart) tries some perfume at one of the airport gift shops. This is all of course done in glorious 3D and for the most part it is rather impressive, technically that is, and the relatively lightweight and portable design of a single-strip 3-D camera that this movie used would later go on to film an even goofier picture.


Note: Nudity in 3D works better than the bad shark effects in Jaws 3D.

We get to meet the rest of our cast of characters once we board the plane as stewardess Wendy starts hitting on a soldier who will be heading overseas to fight in Vietnam soon and we have Captain Masters screwing one of the new stewardesses in the cockpit, and he is such a colossal asshat that he leaves the cabin mic on so that all the passengers can hear them fucking. The passengers all seem rather amused by this instead of being offended and I take this for it being the sixties and “Free Love” was everywhere. The poor girl then has to do the Slut Walk of Shame past all these passengers who are probably all wondering when they get their mile high club gift cards punched.


“Coffee, tea or me?”

Next we are introduced to Colin Winthrop (Ronald South), an ad exec who is working on a huge marketing campaign, and Samantha immediately sets her goals on this dude as she has dreams of becoming an actress. The problem is that Colin has some deep dark personal issues of his own, ones that even Don Draper of Mad Men would have considered to be rather fucked up. Films of this type often start out as a fun and lite sex romp but would then switch to much darker turn at the end, and this film does of a doozy of a dark ending, but before we get to those heavy moments we must suffer through some of the bizarrest dalliances ever.


As one who just missed 60s I like to imagine this is how everyone lived.

The film then proceeds to bounce back and forth between our girls as they venture off into the City of Angels for some much needed R&R. Head Stewardess Jo Peters (Anita de Moulin) invites fellow stewardess Cathy Harris (Kathy Ferrick) back to her beach house for some of that ever important relaxing, Cathy of course not being completely aware that Jo has more intimate form of relaxing on her mind.


Question: Is it legally a porno if there isn’t a lesbian scene?

Stewardess Annie (Donna Stanley) doesn’t go clubbing with her co-workers, or even hook-up with one of the passengers on her flight, which going by this film seems to be the main reason to be a stewardess, but instead she goes home where she lives with her parents. Tina finds a note from her parents stating that they have gone on a trip so Tina thinks to herself, “Whole place to myself, maybe I could take a trip to.” And once again because this is the 60s this means Tina is going to partake in some LSD. This leads to if not the most sexually graphic scene in the movie easily the weirdest as Lisa drops some acid, gets naked, takes a shower (is a gratuitous shower scene gratuitous if it's in a porn?) and then when the acid finally kicks in she proceeds to make love to a kitschy lamp that has a Grecian head for a base.


At least this lamp has more of a charming personality than Captain Masters.

It's at this point that the film goes into full 3D gimmick mode as pool cues and panty shots attack the audience in a painfully long montage of “frolicking” as we get Brad Masters, lover at large, and the stewardesses hitting the club scene, hustling pool, and then getting down to the important sexual encounters. As in most porn films the key ingredient is sex and nudity, that this film was shot in 3D does not change that priority one iota and aside from the boobs and legs popping out of the screen the “story” structure remains consistent with its porn contemporaries. The men mostly stay full clothed, not that I’m complaining, while the women drop their dresses at the slightest provocation, and the sex is abundant. Our cast of female characters are free spirited sexual beings and the men are mostly thoughtless pigs, with maybe the exception of the soldier being sent off to war who takes Wendy to the carnival before the requited sexing up.


"I could die over does that get me anal?"

There isn’t much meat to these types of stories, the target audience not really caring either way, but then as we get deeper into the character of Colin the ad exec, who Samantha desperately wants to get a lucrative acting contract from, things take a decidedly nasty turn. We learn that Colin started out in the mail room of his company and that his boss considered it the “Male Room” for which he forced his employees into acts of homosexuality to advance their careers. This deeply scarred Colin and he has since vowed to sexually destroy whatever woman he chooses for his final ad campaign. Yeah, that’s not fucked up at all. Not to get deeper into spoilers here but needless to say things don’t go well for either Samantha or Colin.

The Stewardesses has some nice 3D photography, I especially enjoyed the rollercoaster footage at the carnival, but it’s very fragmented nature never really allows one to connect to the characters and Samantha’s tragic tale doesn’t seem earned at all. What the film did earn was a shit ton of money as it grossed between $25 and $30 million dollars on a $100 thousand dollar budget, this made The Stewardesses one of the top grossing films of 1969, and until James Cameron’s Avatar came along it was the most profitable 3D film. For a 60s sexploitation film shot in the 3D you certainly get what you pay for with The Stewardesses, and as a look at the morals and sensibilities of the time it is an interesting snapshot of the period and worth checking out.