The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Up for some high adventuring fun, action packed sequences and heroes you can really get behind? Then I suggest you go see The Dark Knight again and skip this mess. In this third outing of the Mummy franchise not only have the elements from the first one gotten tired but the writers aren't even trying. Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, who are mostly known for being the creators of Smallville, keep throwing story elements into the mix as fast and as furious as possible so they could, in what is a futile hope, keep the audiences reeling from sensory overload so they wouldn’t notice that none of it made a lick of sense. Rob Cohen steps in for previous director Stephen Sommers and brings the kind bland action style you’d expect from the director of such notable films as Dragonheart, XXX, and Stealth.

The plot revolves around an Evil Chinese Emperor (Jet Li) who while looking for the secret of immortality ends up cursed by a Good Witch (Michelle Yeoh) because, as well as evil; he was a jealous bastard who had her lover torn apart by horses. So the curse petrifies the Emperor and puts him and his 10,000 warriors on hold for a few thousand years. Enter young Alex O’Connell the son of Rick and Evelyn O’Connell, who has grown up from the last film to be only 13 years younger than his parents, and it is he who uncovers the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. There is of course a young Chinese girl who is guarding the tomb (i.e. love interest for young O’Connell and daughter to Michelle Yeoh’s character), a nasty Chinese general who wants to lift China back into its days of glory, and then there is Rick and Evie who are bored with their early retirement and hope that another adventure will spark up their sex life. All these elements, with a heaping helping of double crosses, comic fumbling, and daring do, result in the Emperor waking up and getting back to his search for immortality.

A few things that annoyed me:

1) That the young Chinese girl has a dagger that is the only thing that can kill the Emperor, yet we are never told how this weapon came into being, was it part of the curse? Did she find it in a box of cereal? And why not just stab the petrified Emperor with it and call it a day instead of guarding his tomb for two thousand bloody years.

2) Our heroes travel to Shangri-La to stop the Emperor from gaining immortality (which apparently will also allow him to awaken his terracotta army, and once again we are not told why this would be the case), and upon arriving at Shangri-La we spend all our time in a boring cave that houses the Pool of Immortality, and only get one sweet shot of the beautifully verdant valley bellow. Apparently Michelle Yeoh has been guarding the pool all these years while her daughter has been guarding the tomb, but it would be nice to find out what the hell is going on in Shangri-La. Is Michelle Yeoh the only inhabitant? We never see anybody else with the exception of a trio of yetis.

3) The route to Shangri-La can only be discerned by placing a giant blue diamond at the top of a little golden pyramid, a diamond which the villains possess, so as a back up plan our heroes place explosives all over the pyramid in case the Emperor and his followers get passed them. Here’s a thought, why not smash the crap out of the device that will house the diamond and reveal the location to the bad guys?

4) That the Emperor had gained the ability to control the five elements; earth, water, air, fire, and wood while conquering China yet once awoken from his cursed state he somehow gains the ability to turn into a three head fire breathing dragon and a giant ape type ogre. Was that part of gaining his immortality, and if so than why didn’t we get Michelle Yeoh turning into a dragon as well as she is immortal as well?

5) Worse is that we get Jet Li turning into King Ghidorah at the end of the second act and for the final fight in the third act he occasionally turns into this lame hairy monster. If my army is being attacked by a raised army of my dead enemies, who mostly look like walking kindling, I think becoming a fire breathing dragon would be the way to go.

6) The fight between Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh was something I was really looking forward to and it was all to brief and weak as monkey piss. Most of the martial arts fighting in this film are handled by Isabella Leong who plays the daughter of Michelle Yeoh, and she’s damn cute but she’s no Michelle Yeoh.


Watching this film one completely understands why Rachel Weisz backed out of it after reading the script, it’s just not very good, and all the CGI and stunts can’t hide the fact. What’s weird is that I’d still say it was more entertaining than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls. Still don’t rush out to see this piece of cinematic fluff, just stay home and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark again, or if you must get out of the house go out and see The Dark Knight.

Galactica 1980

While we await the return of the new Battlestar Galactica I thought it would be nice to take a look back at one of the landmarks in television history… Galactica 1980. The original Glen Larson series was canceled after only one season, even though it had huge ratings it was just too damn expensive. A massive letter writing campaign made the execs at ABC and Universal rethink the cancellation (And yet we couldn’t save Firefly?) and so they decided to bring the show back, but with a few changes (i.e. less money spent). Having the series spend at least 95% of it’s time on Earth saved them a bundle but with Cylons missing from most the episodes (reduced to glorified cameos in most) it really makes for a poor spin-off. On the plus side Galactica 1980 is damn fun to watch as it is simply one of the goofiest things I’ve ever seen aired on Network television (this from a guy who watched Manimal and Automan), and that kind of entertainment value is pure gold in my book.

“The great ship Galactica, our home for these many years. We've endured the wilderness of space, and now we near the end of our journey: We have at last found Earth.”

The first three episode story arc is entitled “Galactica Discovers Earth” and takes place thirty years after the original series had ended (main reason for this being that Dirk Benedict wasn’t available and Richard Hatch wanted nothing to do with the project), and starts with the Colonial Fleet finally reaching Earth. Things unfortunately are not as good as Commander Adama (Lorne Green) had hoped as he finds out from Dr. Zee (Robbie Rist who played cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch), resident boy genius aboard the Galactica, that Earth isn’t advanced enough to help defeat the Cylons (Adama is shown stock footage of our movies and television shows as proof of this), and worse yet it appears that the Cylons have been sneakily following the fleet these last few years. So basically the Galactica lead the Cylon Empire to the last humans in the universe. Way to go Adama.
Dr. Zee shows video of Cylon raiders attacking footage from 1974’s Earthquake to an assembled group of the fleet’s top personal, this includes Lieutenant Dillon (Barry Van Dyke), Captain Troy (Kent McCord playing a grown up Boxey), and Commander Xavier (Richard Lynch), but lucky for us the images shown are just a simulation of what would happen if the Galactica was land in a 70s disaster movie. So their big plan is to have the fleet veer off away from Earth before the Cylons figure out that it was the original target, while several groups would fly down to Earth (equipped with cloaking devices and flying motorbikes) to visit several different countries and secretly help the scientific communities so that some day they will be ready to fight off the Cylons. Dillon and Troy get the United States as their goal and their first mission is to contact renowned scientist Doctor Mortinson (Robert Reed), and the first step in doing this is to rip-off The Day the Earth Stood Still by barging into the Doctor’s lab, fix the formula he had been working on for three years, and then leave.
Meanwhile back on the Galactica Commander Xavier is not happy with the current plan and tries to convince Adama that he himself should lead a team back in time and accelerate Earth’s technological advancement so that when the Cylons do arrive the Earth will be ready for them. Though time travel is possible (like everything else on this show it was invented by super whiz kid Dr. Zee) it has never been tested and the dangers of meddling with the past is too much for Adama and he refuses to support the plan. Xavier of course just goes ahead and steals a ship equipped with time warp capabilities (apparently untested and dangerous doesn't mean you shouldn't equip all your ships with it). Dillon and Troy are quickly recalled from their original mission and are sent after Xavier, now teamed up with local Los Angeles reporter Jamie Hamilton (Robyn Douglass) the trio must travel back to 1940’s Germany to stop Xavier from helping the Nazis with their rocket program. Of course our heroes thwart Xavier’s dastardly plan, but even so Xavier manages to escape through time at the last minute. Adama later informs the trio that Xavier has headed back to the 18th Century America to muck around with the Revolutionary War. Jamie agrees to continue to help the Galactica group in their attempts to stop Xavier.
Unfortunately the Network wasn’t to keen on the time travel aspect of the show and the producers were asked to jettison that idea. So the threat of Xavier altering time was abandoned and left completely unresolved. One can only hope that Richard Lynch is still out there somewhere, somewhen doing his best to make our world a better place.

“Super Scouts” is two part story that deals with Troy and Dillon being forced to land a shuttle full of Galactican children on Earth. Dr. Zee (now being played by James Patrick Stuart) thinks that with the Cylon threat growing daily it’s best to get all the Galactican children safely to Earth and quietly integrate them into society. Aboard one of the Colonial ships Troy and Dillon are schooling the kids about Earth culture when it comes under Cylon attack, and they are forced to head to Earth ahead of schedule. The kids are delighted to find that with Earth’s gravity being less than what they were use to on board their ships that they can now leap thirty feet in the air (That Troy and Dillon never used this ability in the first three episodes is a bit odd and proof that the writers were thrown for a bit of a loop when the time travel story line was abandoned). They quickly disguise the group as boy scouts but unfortunately three of the kids drink from a nearby lake and get very sick as the local chemical plant is dumping their toxic waste into it. Yes, why have a battle through time against a madman bent on world domination when instead you can battle corporate irresponsibility and greed. Much more exciting. Also introduced in the “reboot” of the season is Air force officer Colonel Sydell (Allen Miller) who is charged with investigating UFOs and hounds our rag-tag bunch. I assumed he was intended to be the Inspector Gerard of the series but strangely he only lasted one more episode. Also introduced in this episode is a Super Flying Saucer that, no surprise here, was also invented by Dr. Zee.

“Spaceball” (Mel Brooks not involved) This episode has Troy and Dillon being lured away on special mission by the evil Xavier, who has apparently returned to the present (no explanation is given as to what he may have done while back in time), and is now disguised as Captain Nash (Jeremy Brett of Sherlock Holmes fame). Xavier plans on kidnapping the children to use as bargaining chips in his bid to remove his now outlaw status. Troy and Dillon find themselves floating dead in space in a Viper sabotaged by Xavier, and with their oxygen supply slowly diminishing. Meanwhile Jamie does her best to handle the twelve kids dropped in her laps while also avoiding the investigating Colonel Sydell who is sure those kids are extraterrestrial. The episode ends with a climatic little league game with the kids using their extra strength to defeat their opponents (thus the "clever" episode title) as Troy and Dillon arrive in the nick of time to run off Xavier. Unfortunately Colonel Sydell gets a laser blast in the gut from Xavier during the fight, and is replaced in the next episode by Colonel Briggs (Mark Peter Richman). I guess Barry Morse was busy.

“The Night the Cylons Landed” In this two parter a highly advanced Cylon scout ship crash lands outside New York City on Halloween night. Aboard the ship are Cylons that can pass for human (though inside they are still all wires and hoses), one of these new models and a classic centurion survive the crash and seek out way to send a transmission to the Cylon armada to alert their brethren that the lost colony of humans has been found. Troy and Dillon take a commercial jet to intercept the invaders and while on route end up thwarting a hi-jacking. Upon arriving in New York the two spend as much time dodging Colonel Briggs’ dragnet as they do tracking down the Cylons. Meanwhile the Cylons crash a Halloween party, kidnap Wolfman Jack, and force him to take them to the radio transmitter atop the World Trade Center. Of course once again our heroes arrive in just the nick of time to shoot it out with the bad guys. This is the last episode to feature the government trying to track down and I must mention the wonderful disclaimer that follows each of the episodes that includes the Air Force, “The United States Air Force stopped investigating UFOs in 1969. After 22 years they found no evidence of extra-terrestrially visits and no threat to national security.” Well, that’s a relief.

“Space Croppers” Cylon Raiders attack the fleet, especially targeting the Agro Ships, in the attempt to force the Galactica to lead them to Earth as the Colonial fleet will be quickly out of food. Troy and Dillon partner up with a down and out Latino farmer who is being oppressed by Rich White Man (Dana Elcar), who rules the local Grower’s Association with an iron hand, and who also has dammed up the river to prevent water getting to those people he feels are beneath him. The Super Scouts return, and with reporter Jamie tagging along, they use their powers, along with Galactica’s superior technology, to plow the fields and plant the seed in record time. Then the Galactica Super Flying Saucer creates and seed clouds with super nutrients that grow them a crop over night. The episode ends with the Rich White Man losing his stranglehold on the valley. This was certainly the lamest of the series.

“The Return of Starbuck” This episode begins with Dr. Zee stating, “Adama, I had a dream.” And it’s from that we get the best episode of the series (and I'd say better than anything we saw in the original series) as Dr. Zee tells of his dream about a great warrior named Starbuck. So we finally find out what happened to Starbuck in what is basically an interesting remake of Hell in the Pacific. Starbuck’s ship, damaged in combat, crashes on a desolate planet marooning him as the fleet dares not return to find him with the Cylons so close on their heels. At first he believes himself to be all alone, but then he finds the remains of a crashed Cylon Raider and his loneliness (three days of being alone is enough to crack Starbuck) causes him to repair one of the “dead” Cylons. After he convinces the Cylon not to kill him the two become a nice "odd couple" as they bicker and argue about what it is to be a Cylon opposed to being a human, and a bond begins to form between them. One night the Cylon realizes that his companionship is not enough and that Starbuck needs a woman, so he goes off to find him one…and he does. This episode is so good I dare not spoil any more of it.
Dirk Benedict (as a favor to Glen Larson) returned in what was basically a last ditch effort to prevent cancellation. Alas it failed and many questions have been left unanswered. The dialogue in this episode reaches levels brilliance never achieved before as the Cylon, named Cy by Starbuck, develops quite the sense of humor, and reminded me a lot of Marvin the depressed robot from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Aside from the farming episode I found myself really enjoying this show immensely, well worth the $25 bucks I paid for it, and I can heartily recommend it to any fans of good campy fun. The one thing that may annoy viewers (even more than the introduction of the Super Scouts) is the character of Dr. Zee who mainly sits in a chair and bosses Adama around. Worse is that Adama, at times, seems like a doddering old man waiting for Matlock to come on. Overall the acting is what you typically get from an 80s show of this genre and the highlights really come from the cameos. The effects are low grade and laughable, and you could make a drinking game with every time they use the exact same shot of the flying motorbikes taking off over the city, but all said and done this show is a great way to kill ten hours.

The Last Legion

The Last Legion follows in the footsteps of Antoine Fuqua’s King Arthur in that it gives us Roman origins for the Arthurian stories, and sure there are historians who believe that Arthur may have been a Roman soldier, and who knows they might be right, but I for one would rather see the end of such movies that expand on this idea as these two attempts have seemed clunky, forced, and lacking in…what’s the word…oh yes, MAGIC!

Today's film is directed by Doug Lefler who is most notably a storyboard artist but has directed episodes of Xena and Hercules as well as the straight to video sequel to Dragonheart, and truly this movie could easily have been just an extra long episode of Xena as the Warrior Princess was constantly running into historical figures like Caesar, but the script provided for this film by Jez and Tom Butterworth wouldn’t even have made a particularly good episode. The movie does have its Xena equivalent character with the Eastern warrior woman Mira (a very hot Aishwarya Rai), and her fight scenes are one of the few good elements of this film, but not enough to save a film that is loaded with dialogue so cheesy that it wouldn’t be out of place in a Spanish sword and sandal flick. The cast is overall not that impressive with only a couple real “marquee” names in the credits, Colin Firth who plays the heroic General Marcus Aurelius (for those of you that have dying to see Mister Darcy wielding a Roman sword and spouting clichéd speeches, well this film is for you), and Sir Ben Kingsley (I really wonder how many bad films you have to do before they revoke your knighthood) who plays Ambrosinus, the young Caesar’s teacher, and not to spoil anything but….psst he’s actually Merlin.

The film starts with the usual ponderous narration by Kingsley about a sword of great power that was forged for the conqueror Julius Caesar and passed down the line of his descendants until it reached that of Emperor Tiberius, and on his death it was hidden away safe from evil men. For generations it lay hidden in a secret place and marked by the symbol of the pentangle and sword, under the Very gaze of Caesar, while many searchers, such as Ambrosinus, sought its mysterious location. Later we find out the sword was forged from a fallen star and given to Julius Caesar, and I must say it’s a shame my history teachers left out that cool factoid.

The story proper starts off with the coronation of the last descendant of Caesar, and to our dismay it turns out to be Romulus Augustus (a ten year old kid with the survival instincts of a lemming), and whose reign is cut short when the Goths, who claim to have been short changed by the Romans, storm the palace and capture the city. The capture of Rome is pretty easy and apparently only takes about 10 minutes. Odoacer, the Goth king (Peter Cullen), spares the young Caesar, and banishes Romulus to the island of Capri under the watchful I of the villainous Wulfila (Rome’s Kevin McKidd), and he’s the character I had most sympathy for as he wanted to kill the little snot.

General Marcus Aurelius survives the attack and with the help of Mira manage to rescue some of his men, and so this loyal band, which includes a large black Rastafarian and an Orlando Bloom wannabe, set off to rescue young Romulus. It’s while running around the island fortress that Romulus finds the secret chamber that holds the sword, which is located under the giant pentangle symbol that everybody seems to know represents the sword of power. That the fortress was created by the last person to own the sword makes you wonder how hard these searchers were looking. What is even more ridiculous is that after the kid activates the secret way in it’s revealed later that the chamber has so many entrances that I’m surprised they didn’t have a hotdog concession down there. One of the entrances was even a bloody grotto that opens onto the sea! Exactly how this place remained hidden for so long is the true mystery. Now the important thing is that on a plaque by the sword is prophecy (and really what kind of film would this be without a prophecy) that says “One edge to defend, one to defeat, in Britannia was I forged to fit the hand that is destined to rule.” It’s an easy prophecy to remember as it’s repeated a half-a-dozen times during the course of the film lest we forget.

Shortly after the escape from Capri they find out that the Senators have thrown in with the Goths and that the only chance our group of heroes has is to find the 9th Legion who are stationed in Britannia. Wow, who would have guessed they’d end up having to go there? Well that’s all the detail I’m going to go into for this review, but here are some highlights I just have to mention:

• Our heroes trek to Britannia has them crossing snow covered mountains in such a manner that I kept waiting for someone to complain it was too cold for the Hobbits.

• Wulfila manages to track them all the way across Europe (I bet he can track a hawk on a cloudy day), and teams up with Vortgyn, an evil bastard who is trying to conqueror Britannia. His most notable feature is a gold mask that he wears that has him coming across like a low rent Doctor Doom, right down to the burned face. The mask itself resembles that of Mordred’s from John Boorman’s Excalibur. Why do filmmakers insist on reminding us of better movies?

• During the final battle at Hadrian’s Wall, Romulus, the idiot everyone is fighting and dying to protect, actual wanders up onto the wall, scurries around the fighters, and believe it or not climbs down the other side, and right into the thick of the battle. And for no apparent reason. WTF!

• After the battle is won Romulus declares that there will be “No more blood, no more war,” and he chucks the sword through the air where it of course lodges itself into a stone.

My parting words are simply this, “Can we have magic back in our Arthurian stories, please?” Really, cause if filmmakers are going to make supposed “historical films” that are this ridiculous they might as well put in more fantasy elements. I mean come on, they cast Colin Firth as a great Roman general, how much more fantastical can one get?

Santa Claus: The Movie

As a genre Christmas movies are probably the most hit or miss, for every Miracle on 34^th Street you have a dozen more like Santa Claus Conquerors the Martians. Now in 1985 the Salkinds decided to take a stab at it and with Supergirl director Jeannot Szwarc at the helm that’s exactly what we got….stabbed.

The movie starts our promising enough as we pan down from a starry sky to a snowy Scandinavian landscape and wood cottage full of people. They are all waiting for their beloved friend Uncle Claus (David Huddleston) to bring toys for all the children as he does every year. Many are impressed that Claus can cut wood for the whole village and still have time to carve all the wooden toys he provides each year, but it is his love of children that makes it possible. After giving out wonderfully hand carved toys to the children he and his wife Anya (Judy Cornwell) bid their friends goodbye as they have more stops to make, and even though the weather is getting bad they can’t think of disappointing the children who live on the other side of the forest. The storm intensifies and soon their reindeer collapse in exhaustion as the snow whips around them. Claus embraces his wife as the winter storm takes their lives.

The Northern Star appears and a cone of light descends on the frozen countryside and out of it steps a large contingent of elves. Claus, his wife, and reindeer all wake up as the group of colorfully dressed little people approach. They are led to their new home at the North Pole where they are informed by the Ancient Elf (Burgess Meredith) that Claus is The Chosen One and will fulfill the duties of the prophecy. That is live forever and give out toys to all the children of the world. And this is where the film runs of the rails and into a morass of boring maudlin scenes coated with syrupy crap.

At 108 minutes the film really drags with overlong montages of the elves making toys, endless shots of Santa flying around with his reindeer pulled sled, and it’s not until about the 40 minute mark that the real plot of the movie starts to rear its ugly head. A seemingly overworked Santa Claus promotes an elf named Patch (Dudley Moore) to assistant, but his radical ideas of mass production results in shoddily made toys and unhappy children on Christmas morning. A now disgraced Patch runs away to prove he is useful. Of course he ends up hooking up with the films villain B.Z. (John Lithgow) an evil toy manufacturer who is being investigated by a Senate committee for producing dangerous products. Throw in a poor little boy who lives on the street and the rich girl (also stepdaughter of B.Z) who befriends him and you may need to take a couple of insulin shots to survive a viewing of this film.

About the only real enjoyment I got out of this film was watching Lithgow hamming it up with the evil cranked up to eleven, but as his character doesn’t show up until the hour mark it’s really not worth the wait. Like Supergirl this Christmas disaster just seemed to meander around without purpose, now Jeannot Szwarc pretty much stopped directing movies after Santa Claus: The Movie but has made a decent mark for himself in episodic television (he even directed an episode of the excellent show Heroes). So if you’re looking good Santa Claus movie keep on moving as this one is not going to fill the bill.

Beauty and the Beast (1946)

La Belle et la Bête, Jean Cocteau’s version of Jeanne-Marie LePrince de Beaumont timeless tale, is one of the most purely enchanting films I’ve ever seen. It’s dreamlike qualities draw the viewer into a world of magic and wonder with out a singing teapot in sight. I really enjoyed the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast but now having finally seen this classic 1946 film and I must say the French really know how to tell a good fairy tale. As Disney-fied versions go their animated version is actually quite good (Hunchback of Notre Dame being one I can't even watch without cringing) but it left out much from the original story. Now even Jean Cocteau took some liberties with this classic tale but it is ruthlessly faithful in many areas, and it's because of this that I think it is the superior version, and only the wonderful songs in the Disney film make that one stand out in comparison.

Belle, played by a radiant Josette Day, is one of four children; she has two wicked sisters, Félicie and Adélaïde (who seem like they stepped right of Cinderella), and Ludovic, her brother, who is a bit of a wastrel who spends much of his time hanging out with his friend, and fellow scoundrel, Avenant. The once rich family has fallen on hard times, much to the chagrin of the Belle’s two sisters who believe they should have been married to Dukes and Princes, and Belle has been reduced to being basically a scullery maid. She is not forced into this position it’s just that if she doesn’t none of the work will get done, as her sisters spend all there time complaining about their lot in life while the brother drinks and loafs around with Avenant. The “friend” is constantly pushing himself on Belle and urging her to marry him, she begs off saying she must stay and help her father, but the real reason is plainly that he is a colossal jerk.
Then good news comes, a merchant ship believed lost has come to port, and with the goods on board the family may be rich once again. When the father readies to depart Félicie and Adélaïde bombard him with request for dresses, jewels, and even a monkey. He asks Belle what she would like and all she wishes for is a simple rose as none grow in the area. Unfortunately when he arrives at the port city creditors have seized his goods and he must return home through the dark foggy forest at night, as he cannot even afford a single nights lodging. He is soon lost as high winds besiege him, and when the end seems near for the poor man trees magically part revealing a large castle. He walks his horse onto the castle grounds and is startled as the stable doors open on their own and his horse steps in freely. He calls out but gets no response. He approaches the castle and the main doors open onto a long hallway lined with candelabras. This the point where I would see about getting my horse back as the candelabras are held by arms that just jut out from the walls, and they point and guide him further into the castle. Belle’s father is a far braver man than I as he hits sits down at a dinner table that has an arm sticking out of it’s center, and which pours a glass of wine for him. He falls asleep in the chair under the watchful eyes of the castle’s living (and very creepy) statuary. Come morning he wakes up and wanders the castle grounds once again calling out for his host, it’s then he spots a rose push and remembers Belle’s wish, but the moment he plucks it the Beast appears and tells him he was free to take anything he liked but the roses as they are his most cherished possession (you’d think it would have been a good idea to maybe post a sign or something), and now for this breach the poor man must die. When he begs for his life and mentions he has three daughters to care for the Beast offers him a way out, he can leave now and send one of his daughters back to take his place, but if none want to die in his stead he must return on his own. He is given a magical horse (it is revealed later that the castle doesn’t quite exist completely in our world, and one wonders how the father stumbled upon it) that will take him too and from the Beast’s castle.
The horse quickly carries him home and there he regales his family with this latest turn of events. The sisters quickly blame Belle for this as she requested the rose in the first place, of course the father had no intention of sacrificing any of his children he only came back to say good-bye to them, but Belle is insistent that she takes his place, while Ludovic and Avenant want to slay the Beast. The father tells them the Beast is much too powerful, and then proceeds to pass out from some feverish illness. Taking this opportunity Belle mounts the magical horse and rides to the castle of the Beast, but instead of being killed and eaten she is made mistress of the house and any whim she has will be answered. She is provided a lavish room with a magical mirror that allows her to see anything she wishes, and the only stipulation is that every night at 7:00 when she dines the Beast will appear. Each night he does and on each night he asks, “Belle will you marry me?” She of course declines the offer but slowly her feelings towards horrible looking creature turns from fear, to pity, to a deep caring. It is a lonely existence in the castle, though she has come to really look forward to her dinners with the Beast, but it isn’t enough as she misses her father and wishes to see him one more time. The Beast tells her that if she leaves and does not come back that he will surely die. She promises to return in one weeks time, and the Beast, to prove his faith in her, he gives her the gold key to his treasure trove and source of his power. The Beast than gives her one of his gloves which when put on will teleport her back home instantly, and though it be night here in the castle it will be day at her families home.
She bids the Beast adieu, puts on the glove, is transported back home (she comes through the wall of her bedroom in a rather cool in camera affect), and then places the key and glove on her nightstand. Of course not all are glad of her return, and upon seeing the bejeweled gown and tiara that Belle is sporting the sisters instantly start plotting against her. The two wicked sisters suck Ludovic and Avenant into their plot promising they will all be rich if they can get the Beast spoils. After rubbing onions into their eyes to work up some tears, the girls run to Belle and tell her how much they love her and can not bare the thought of her leaving again, and that they will die of she does (this the only part in the film where my sympathies for Belle waned, as anybody gullible enough to believe these two women deserves what ever she gets). While hugging and crying they manage to steal the gold key and get Belle to promise she will stay with them a little longer. Unfortunately the hiccup in their plans is that none of them know how to get to the Beasts castle, but lucky for them the lonely Beast has grown despondent for his missing Belle and has sent the magical horse to retrieve her. Avenant and Ludovic, golden key in hand, mount the horse and ride off to rob and slay the Beast. Unbeknownst of these events Belle checks on the Beast with the magic mirror and sees him lying still near the castles pond. She puts on the glove and instantly finds herself in her bedroom, but quickly realizes she has forgot the key, and she pops back home to get it. She frantically searches the room, but to no avail as the key is no where to be found, so she puts that glove back and rushes to find the ailing Beast.
Meanwhile Ludovic and Avenant arrive at the castle and spot the treasure room. When Ludovic sticks in the gold key the door is infused with a glow, and Avenant yanks it out fearing that if they open the door it may set off a trap (okay if you’re not going to use the key what was the big deal about getting it?), and so the scale the walls and peak down through the skylight. Below them is a glorious golden hoard, treasure worthy of a dragon, but no such serpentine creature guards it, just a statue of Diana goddess of the hunt, and so Avenant smashes the glass of the skylight and has Ludovic lower him down.
Over by the pond Belle finds the dying Beast who tells her that now that she has returned he can die happy. Belle will have none of that talk and tells him how much she loves him, and that she cannot live without him, that she will gladly be his wife.
Back in the treasure room the statue of Diana turns and fire her bow, and nails Avenant right in the back. He falls to the ground and as he dies he transforms into the visage of the beast.
Belle is startled when her dying Beast suddenly turns into a handsome prince. (Jean Marias of course played the Beast, Avenant, and Prince Charming). At first she is quite taken aback by this change and comments, “You remind me of a friend of my brother,” and not as if that is a good thing. Belle has realized that the beauty within is much more important than any outward appearance. The Beast then tells Belle that he will now take her to his home, and they ascend into the clouds. Where they are going is left to the imagination.

Now the one thing you won’t get from my rather long-winded review is just how beautiful this glorious black and white film is. From the spooky forest, to the haunted halls of the castle the look of the film never ceases to be anything but a perfect fairy tale, with some of my favorite moments of Belle running in slow motion as if in a dream like state, and her letting the Beast drink from her cupped hands. I just can’t recommend this film enough.

Killer Workout

I was kind of hoping this film would be about Jane Fonda going on a killing spree or maybe Susanne Summers knocking people off with her killer thighs, but this unfortunately is not the case; instead we’re treated to over a dozen deaths with most of them being committed with a giant safety pin. Yes you heard me right, you’ll find no chainsaws, axes, or gardening implements dripping in blood in this movie, nope the makers of this film went for the most original weapon they could think of, it’s just too bad the writers never actually came up with a reason for the killer to use this particular device.

This is going to be a rather spoiler filled review so for those of you who don’t want the twist and turns and shock ending ruined for you please refrain from reading further until you’ve seen the film, of course all the surprises in this film are so over telegraphed and obvious that they would have a hard time shocking a five year old. But who am I to deprive others of the joy and pain I suffered while watching this flick. Well now that you’ve been duly warned let’s get into the meat of this baby.

The film starts off decently enough with a woman returning home and checking her answering machine. One of the messages states she has landed a modeling assignment in Paris for Cosmopolitan magazine; the only stipulation is that she has a tan. Full of excitement at her future prospects the young beauty immediately heads to the local tanning salon. This is where her luck takes a turn for the worse as the tanning bed she chooses malfunctions resulting in roaring flames, and not the all over even tan she desired. The poor woman screams and thrashes pitifully to get free, but she is unable to extricate herself.
We now jump ahead five years (we aren’t actually informed that five years has elapsed until much later in the film, my guess is they couldn’t afford the “Five Years Later” superimposed graphic) and find ourselves at Rhonda’s Work-Out. We are introduced to Rhonda Johnson the co-owner of the gym, she is a witch with a capital “B” and between chewing out employees and fending of advances by Jimmy the gym’s resident sexist pig she just stomps around scowling at everyone. The gym itself is full of people dressed like they escaped from Olivia Newton John’s Physical video, and are happily doing their aerobic workout with smiles verging on the insane plastered to their faces, and get use to those smiles because even as the death toll rises the smiling and exercising just never stops.
Before we get on to discussing the killings I should mention the music and songs written for this film, to call them 80’s bubble gum pop is an insult to most of the crap that came out in that time period as these songs are truly horrendous with such great lyrics as “She's a knockout, you better watch out, She'll take you out!” and from my personal favorite song entitled Aerobicide chants “Working out until you die!” over and over again. Not much in the way subtlety are they?
Now we best move on to the murders in this film before you, my gentle readers, nod off. If this movie is lacking anything it’s certainly not in the body count area. And our first victim is an attractive black woman who is taking a nice long shower while her fellow health nuts call it a day and head off to wherever pretty people go when they’re not exercising. In this scene I’ll give props to the filmmakers for avoiding what dozens of cheap slasher films have done in the past, by not ripping off shots from Hitchcock’s Psycho. Mind you the scene is so poorly edited, and shot that they would have been better off stealing a bit from Hitchcock. The girl is brutally stabbed to death with aforementioned giant safety pin, and what’s truly amazing is the amount of blood that can be generated without there being any wound actually visible. Maybe it’s some magical property of the safety pin? One of the employees later finds the body stuffed in a locker, but not before a lame fake scare involving a resuscitation dummy in another locker.
Enter Detective Lieutenant Morgan to solve the case, but he’s got competition as Chuck Dawson, the gyms new employee, is actually an undercover private investigator, hired by the gym’s senior partner to see what’s going on. Unfortunately as the death toll climbs they both prove to be about as effective as the water tight doors were on the Titanic.
Aside from safety pin stabbing, we are treated to throat cuttings, a hanging, and heads caved in by barbells, all handled in such a way as to not let us get a good look at the killer, even though it’s obvious it has to be a woman as all the men in the film look like models for steroid abuse, and the hands and physique of the killer are rather slender.
At one point the coroner comments, “I’m running out of body bags.” I’m not an expert on the law or police procedures, but I find it hard to believe that the place is not only allowed to open the morning after a body is found on the premises, but that it isn’t closed down after the fifth or tenth victim. My only guess is that the never seen senior partner must be the mayor of the city. And of course these horrible murders will certainly not stop the customers from showing up every day, with smiles firmly in place
Chuck “Super Sleuth” Dawson suspects sexist pig Jimmy of being the killer, and breaks into his place where he finds a rather cheesy shrine to Rhonda. Jimmy, who is incredibly jealous of Rhonda, eventually kills our “hero” Chuck, and is soon on the lamb as everyone now believes he’s the killer. Things start to come to a head as we are treated to exciting fisticuffs, thrilling foot chases, and nail biting gun play (oh dear my sarcasm meter just broke). Until Rhonda blows poor Jimmy away and of course is treated by the media as a hero.
Now everyone’s happy, that is everyone but Detective Morgan whose investigations led him to discover that Rhonda Morgan is in fact Valeria Johnson the woman who we saw burned in the tanning bed accident. She now wears a wig and a full body Lycra suit to hide the burns that cover seventy percent of her body. Morgan believes she killed all those people because they are all beautiful and perfect like she use to be, and it eats her up that nobody can ever look at her body again without feeling sick. With the murders resting on the deceased Jimmy it appears that Rhonda/Valeria has gotten away with it and there’s nothing are hapless flatfoot can do about it…or is there? On the pretense of police business he lures Rhonda out into the middle of the woods to “show” her something, and she never questions why he’s carrying a shovel. After trudging for awhile through the woods she refuses to go any further and Morgan’s response is, “This will do just fine.” He sticks the shovel into the dirt and starts in a monologue on how is dad was a great cop and how he was forced to cross the line between good and bad when a serial killer got off on a technicality. The murders resumed until one day the killer simply vanished never to seen again, and Morgan knew that his dad had killed him. Now he is going to follow in his dad’s footsteps to keep Rhonda from killing again. Stupidly he turns his back on her during his speech and she grabs the shovel and kills him.
Cut to the gym where Rhonda has shown up to pick up her keys. An employee tells her how business is booming since the city has made her a hero, and that by mid week this place will be packed to the walls with beautiful people. When the employee leaves we see Rhonda pull out her key chain which is surprise, surprise, a giant safety pin. She smiles evilly at the camera, and roll credits.

The people involved in the making of this film must have seriously thought that if the had enough deaths, and plenty of T & A on camera that nobody would notice how completely lame the so called plot was. It seemed that almost every scene was preceded by shots of women working out at the gym, with some shots veering right into Airplane type parody by just showing close-ups of the breasts bouncy up and down. As for the acting…well if I was told they just grabbed people off the street and had them reading off cue cards I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised. So if you’re a true film masochist feel free to check this flick out, if not your better off watching any number of the Friday the 13th movies.

Cursed

When it comes to horror movies the werewolf has always been treated like the vampires ugly stepsister. Where the vampire are often portrayed as a suave, mysterious, and charismatic creatures of then night, the werewolf is usually just a slobbering monster that will either tear out your throat or maybe piddle on your carpet. When you’re turned into a wolf you don’t get to spout lines like, “Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.” At the most a werewolf gets to do growl and howl at the moon a lot. So you are not going to get Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt type actors clamoring for these types of roles, instead you get B-list movie actors, or in the case of Cursed you also get refugees from Dawson’s Creek and Gilmore Girls.

The number of good werewolf films can probably be counted on one hand, for every Howling and An American Werewolf in London you have to wade through a lot of cheese like Teen Wolf, Underworld, and Van Helsing. This brings us now to Wes Craven’s foray into the genre, where he is once again teamed with writer Kevin Williamson. In this film these two men trot out every cliché and stereotype in the book, and guess what ladies and gentlemen the end result is a movie that never once takes itself seriously, and if you come along for the ride you will have a lot of fun.

The film starts with two gorgeous women Jenny and Becky (Mya/Shannon Elizabeth) wandering the midway of a fairground where Mya spots a gypsy fortune teller and wants to find out if Shannon’s love interest is ever going to call again. But instead of getting a bunch of expected hokum about their true love they are both told their future is full of BLOOD!

Meanwhile Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg) the school nerd is making moves on the typical school princess who though nice is always dating the school jock/asshole. We then jump to Jimmy’s sister Ellie (Christina Rici) who is having relationship problems of her own with Jake (Joshua Jackson) a seemingly nice guy who appears to have commitment problems.

Later Ellie picks up her brother and its while driving home that things take a turn for the worst. Something big and hairy bounces off their windshield and their car careens out of control, sideswipes another vehicle and sends that one of the road and down a wooded embankment. Trapped in the car is Becky, and she is a little freaked out because she smells gas and is afraid the car may explode…if only she were so lucky. Just as Jimmy and Ellie are about to get her free something hairy and with a whole mess of teeth grabs her and drags her into the woods. The brother and sister try in vain to save the girl but are only rewarded with bites of their own.

For those of you who have seen the Jack Nicholson film Wolf you won’t be surprised that are two leads start developing some new characteristics. They become more confident; their senses are heightened, as well as increased strength and agility. The brother, being a geek, quickly figures out that it was a werewolf that bit them, that they have been cursed, and that it’s only a matter of time before they start sprouting hair from unwanted places.

The film has a lot of fun with the genre much in the way Craven and Williamson had fun with Scream series. The film isn’t really frightening, and only provides you with the occasionally jump scare, but it is very entertaining, with few nice story turns, and many good laughs. My only real complaint would be the lack of the rules. In every vampire or werewolf film it is important for your audience to know which rules from the canon of film history are going to apply in this one. In An American Werewolf in London the change was triggered by the full moon, and silver wasn’t needed just plain old lead bullets was fine. Now in the Howling you could change into your bestial form at will, but silver was required to dispatch the beast. In Cursed both the moon and silver are mentioned, but silver doesn’t kill the creature it only hurts it, and apparently the werewolf can change back in forth from its furry form as along as it’s during a full moon. How that actually works is never really addressed, but that’s just nitpicking at what is basically a “Check Brain at Door” type of movie and if you go into the theatre with the right mindset you should have a good time.