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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Sharknado (2013)

Tonight the SyFy Channel is airing the much anticipated sequel to Sharknado so as a public service I’m providing a quick recap in case anyone has missed this story that truly speaks to the hearts of men and woman and answers that age old question, “What would a tornado full of sharks look like?” Of course the bigger question is, “What the hell was John Heard doing in this film?”

John Heard 
“I’m in it for the bar snacks.”

• Some dudes are dealing in illegal shark fin harvesting. Both are eaten and thus ends that plot thread.
• Main hero of this shark movie is named Fin.
• One of our heroes has previous shark attack back story.
• Hero is divorced from April (Tara Reid) who has custody of his two children.
• Hero has hot waitress who is in love with him.
• Storm hits the coast and tosses shark through heroes bar window.
• Sharknado in homage to the film 1941 rolls a Ferris wheel down the boardwalk.
• Hero must race through the storm to save his ex and kids dragging along waitress and others for you know “reasons.”
• John Heard dies while fighting off a shark. His weapon of choice was a bar stool.
• April is living with an asshat who claims they are in no danger.
• Asshat is quickly eaten by a shark that attacked from a surging swimming pool.
• We meet the daughter who hates dad because he broke mom’s heart
• April’s house explode as a title wave of water bursts out of it.
• Hero finds out his son is in town and also in danger so they all hop in a truck to rescue him.
• Son is found hiding in a closet with a group of soon to die extras.
• Daughter warns waitress that her dad will break her heart.
• Waitress and son start looking at each other romantically as the plan to bomb the Sharknado from a helicopter.
• Waitress falls out of helicopter and is swallowed by a flying Great White Shark.
• Great White later swallows hero who is wielding an Excalibur level chainsaw.
• Hero cuts himself out of the belly of the beast with said chainsaw.
• Hero then reaches back inside the shark and pulls out the still living waitress.

“Hail to the King, Baby.”

Then the end credits roll and were left wondering if the hero is going to get back together with his family or will he cut in on his sons action and leave with the waitress he just saved? 

It’s raining sharks, Hallelujah!”

This movie pits humans against aquatic foes, but Sharknado reaches levels of incompetency in film making that staggers the imagination. We expect bad CGI and effects in our SyFy original movies but the amount of continuity errors between practically every shot is simply astounding. One shot will show us black clouds and blowing rain and then the very next shot it’s calm and sunny, but what’s more unbelievable than the CGI sharks and silly storm is the family drama they tossed in because that is apparently a requirement in a disaster film.

 The Syfy Channel has become the madlibs of the film industry, they just reach into a bag, grab a couple of words, and then slap them together to find their title, it's about then that they decide to write the script. Sharknado is only entertaining on the "so bad it's good scale" and even then a few beers will go a long way to improve the viewing experience.

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