Captain Americaa (1979)

Captain America was created by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby as an answer to Adolph Hitler but who then grew out of his WWII origins to team-up with modern heroes and to eventually end up leading The Avengers. Captain America is the heroic icon of honor and perseverance. Steve Rogers does not give up whether he’s fighting Nazis or sentient robots, but do you know who else also doesn’t give up? Hollywood.   And because of that sticktoitiveness we have had Cap showing up in various incarnations over the years.  In 1944 they gave us a Captain America serial and though limited by a low budget it was the Cap from the comics. Flash forward to 1979, once again television gets its grubby hands on the old Red, White and Blue and it’s a whole other story.

In 1978 CBS had a hit with The Incredible Hulk starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno, so it’s not surprising that they’d try and see if lightning would strike twice, it didn’t. Now The Incredible Hulk series pretty much abandoned all elements from the comic book character aside from “Scientist turns green and large when angry” and grafted that element to basically a rip-off of The Fugitive. This worked mostly because of Bill Bixby’s charm and kids everywhere loving to see a green Lou Ferrigno bashing through walls. Now a year later CBS gave us a Steve Rogers/Captain America that is just as divorced from its comic book origins but in this case it fails miserably. Let’s see why.

"Just me and my sweet, sweet ride."

Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) is a former Marine who has left the military to drive around in his van in the hopes of turning into Jack Kerouac. Gone is the physically weak man with the heart of a lion who is willing to be transformed into a Super Soldier so that he could fight evil. This Steve Rogers just wants to hang around at the beach sketching young children.

So this isn't totally creepy, right?

 When Dr. Simon Mills (Len Birman) tells Steve that his father developed a special serum called F.L.A.G. (Full Latent Ability Gain) that would enhance a person’s strength and reflexes, poor Steve is barely interested. Sadly it turns out that Steve’s dad used his own genetic make-up as part of the formula so that if anyone else used F.L.A.G. it would eventually kill them, but as a son he carries the same genes so it’s possible that it could work on him. Steve wants no part of this because it doesn’t involve his van, sketching or just hanging out at the beach.

Endless summer.

 A friend of Steve’s father calls for help but Steve is too late and thus he finds himself investigating the murder of this scientist/friend who may have been selling state secrets. Evil villain Lou Brackett (Steve Forrest) finds out about Steve’s involvement and wonders if he may have heard the dying man’s last words as to where a missing microfilm might be, he is also worried that Rogers may eventually be given F.L.A.G. and become a threat to his evil plans.  In one of their attempts to get Rogers, our poor “hero” is sent flying off a cliff.

Safety Tip: Do not make motorcycles out of explosives.

 Steve is fatally wounded and is dying on the operating table when Dr. Simon Mills steps in and administers the F.L.A.G. serum to save his life. This does in fact save his life and of course this pisses Steve Rogers off for some bizarre reason.

"We can rebuild him, stronger, faster, beefier than before."

 He refuses to be tested to see if he’s gained the benefits of the serum because he doesn’t want to know if it’s worked or not. “I’m not unconscious now, the choice is mine. I don’t choose to play.” Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately the villains of this piece didn’t get the memo that Steve can’t come out and play and they try and capture him again. With his enhanced strength he makes quick work of the thugs.

Time for Rocky Balboa work-out

 Later Dr. Mills explains to Steve that his father wasn’t just a scientist but that he fought crime and corruption in high places and that his enemies mockingly called him “Captain America.” So Rogers finally agrees to help and become a secret government agent. He gives Dr. Mills a sketch “For your scrapbook.”

 Steve Rogers shows up at a top secret testing ground to find out that Dr. Mills has tricked out Steve’s van so that it now includes a hidden compartment that conceals a super-bike that can be launched out the back via a turbo boost. Steve has fun time driving his awesome Captain America bike down some dirt trails and over an Evel Knievel ramp when suddenly a helicopter loaded with bad guys show up.

"Viva Knievel!"

 Once again these thugs are taken out with a minimum of effort and action.  But while all this was going on Steve Brackett kidnapped two of Steve’s female friends, found the missing microfilm, completed his neutron bomb and now plans to blow up a major US city. With the use of super hearing (borrowed sound effects from the Bionic Woman), Rogers discovers that the bomb is at Brackett’s oil refinery and so at the one hour twelve minute mark of our ninety-seven minute movie we finally see Steve Rogers suit up as Captain America.  To say it was not worth the wait is a gross understatement.

 Before Captain America can go after the truck and the bomb he must rescue the two damsels in distress which involves him throwing his shitty Plexiglas shield that also serves as his bike’s windscreen, and spraying oil all over the ground to make the security guards slip and slide.

 Not really the action pack scene one hopes to see when viewing a Captain America movie. He does manage to save the women but the bomb has been moved out via truck to the Phoenix Interfacial Gold Depository where, because it’s a neutron bomb, it will only kill the people and leave the gold unharmed.

This film contains more than one type of bomb.

 Steve and his bike get a lift via helicopter so they can track down the evil truck, but they have to be careful because Brackett has rigged the bomb’s trigger to his heart, if his heart stops the bomb goes off. So of course the only solution is to get aboard the truck and bend its exhaust pipe so that the truck’s exhaust floods the cargo area.

 Yes, in this movie Captain America takes out the villain with carbon monoxide poisoning. He then has to quickly perform CPR on Brackett to prevent the bomb from going off. So for those of you that wanted a version of Captain America where he was forced to become a hero and then asphyxiates the villain to save the day, well then this is the film for you.

"Is Megaforce hiring?"