Starcrash (1978) – Review

Imagine if Star Wars were made by people who had never seen Star Wars but had only heard about it through an unreliable game of telephone. That’s Starcrash in a nutshell, a delightfully goofy, low-budget Italian rip-off of George Lucas’s space saga, filled with flashing lights, nonsensical dialogue, and the absolute conviction that every absurd thing happening on screen is epic.

The film begins with a massive spaceship drifting through the void of space. The crew aboard, dressed in futuristic battle gear, seems frantic as they receive a strange, glowing signal. Moments later, they are overwhelmed by flashing lights, and the ship is destroyed in a catastrophic explosion, but not before three launches make their escape. The cause of this destruction is unknown, but the audience soon learns that it is linked to the evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell), a power-hungry warlord from the League of the Dark Worlds, who has created a secret superweapon that would allow him to rule the entire galaxy.

 

“Ming the Merciless ain’t got shit on me.”

Enter our heroine, Stella Star (Caroline Munro), a space smuggler who wears an intergalactic bikini at all times, because that’s the most practical outfit for battling evil in the cosmos. She and her sidekick, Akton (Marjoe Gortner), a curly-haired weirdo with glowing hands and unexplained magical powers, are captured by the Imperial Space Police, led by robot sheriff Elle (Judd Hamilton) and Police Chief Thor (Robert Tessier). They are tried and convicted of piracy and are sentenced to life in prison on separate planets, not that this is much of a wrinkle in the plot, as Stella quickly escapes, and then the two are reunited by Elle and Thor, who bring them before the Emperor of the Universe (Christopher Plummer) in hologram form. 

 

“My performance has so many dimensions.”

The Emperor orders Stella and Akton to find a secret weapon of immense power, which Count Zarth Arn has hidden away. They are offered clemency if they help find three more missing escape pods, as well as the mothership, one of which may contain the emperor’s only son, Prince Simon (David Hasselhoff). This all seems dangerous, but is made even more so by the fact that Chief Thor is working for Count Zarth Arn, who briefly murders poor Akton, but he has mysterious plot powers. But will Prince Simon be found alive and well? Can our band of misfits survive various challenging encounters as they search for the three escape pods?

 

Could the plot of this movie be any more bizarre and convoluted?

The Amazing Quests of Starcrash:

• Stella and Elle land on a planet inhabited by Amazon warriors riding reddish-pink horses, who are led by a villainous queen and are in league with Count Zarth Arn. Sadly, we are cheated out of a lesbian scene between Stella and the Amazon queen.
• Stranded on a freezing world by the traitorous Thor, Stella nearly dies from exposure – wearing tights and a metal breastplate in the freezing cold may not have been the best idea – but she is rescued by the not-quite-dead Akton, and he uses his mystical powers to thaw Stella out. He’s like a Jedi Swiss army knife.
• They encounter a tribe of primitive, club-wielding cavemen (What’s a space adventure without cavemen?). Elle is bashed apart, and Stella is captured, but before she can be turned into dinner, a mysterious figure in a gold mask shows up and blasts them with his laser eyes.
• Surprise! Surprise! The masked figure turns out to be Prince Simon; unfortunately, his laser shooting helmet has limited power, and the pair are soon surrounded by more hungry cavemen.

 

Enter Akton and his lightsaber.

Did I mention that Akton knew the entire future but couldn’t interfere, making his entire presence even more confusing and the actions of our heroes fairly pointless? Akton then reveals that they are currently on the Count’s “Hidden World” and quickly make their way to an underground laboratory, where they are apprehended by Count Zarth Arn and his minions. Way to go, team! The Count discloses his plan to use them as bait to bring the Emperor to the planet and then have his weapon self-destruct, destroying the planet, the Emperor and all three of them in one fell swoop. The Count leaves, ordering his two robot golems to keep the group there, but Akton engages them in a laser sword duel and nobly sacrifices himself to save his friends. The Emperor arrives, but with only 48 seconds to destruction, all seems lost, that is, until Christopher Plummer issues forth one of the greatest lines in cinema history, “Imperial Battleship… halt the flow of time!”

 

“This is what years of Shakespearean theatre gets you.”

Somehow, this actually works, buying time for everyone to escape. Stella leads an assault on the Count’s fortress, fighting through his guards in a sequence filled with awkward choreography and laser blasts. Meanwhile, the Emperor’s forces engage the Count’s fleet, filling the screen with neon space battles that feel like a fever dream of 1970s special effects. Sadly, the attack fails, and the victorious Count gets ready to destroy the Emperor’s home planet. The Emperor decides to ram the Count’s space station with a massive space station, the Floating City, in a 4th-dimensional attack he calls “Starcrash.” Hey, he said the title of the movie! Thus ends another evil space plot to take over the galaxy.

 

“Are we going to get a trilogy out of this?”

Stray Observation:

• The film’s opening shot is a large spaceship slowly passing over the camera just so that it’s perfectly clear what movie they are ripping off.
• The filmmakers were highly reluctant to allow John Barry to see the film, in case he decided to quit the project. His participation is easily one of the film’s best elements.
• In the U.S. version, Caroline Munro’s voice was dubbed by Candy Clark, who was married to Marjoe Gortner at the time.
• Stella Star and Akton are sentenced to life in prison by the “Imperial Justice” who looks surprisingly like the creepy tentacled-headed Martian mastermind from 1953s Invaders from Mars.
• I’m not sure if Prince Simon in a Gold Mask is a reference to the Alexander Dumas book “Man in the Iron Mask” or the Ray Harryhausen film The Golden Voyage of Sinbad.
• The Amazon’s giant robot guardian clearly took its inspiration from the giant bronze statue in Ray Harryhausen’s Jason and the Argonauts.

 

How can you not love a giant robot with breasts?

Directed by Italian filmmaker Luigi Cozzi, Starcrash was a low-budget, hastily produced space adventure that shamelessly imitates Star Wars while bringing its own unique blend of absurdity, camp, and unintentional humour, with a script that feels like it was written by someone who had heard of science fiction but had no idea how human conversation worked. The pacing is all over the place, with random characters appearing and disappearing, and major plot points being explained after they happen. Scenes end abruptly, new plot elements are introduced without explanation, and characters gain superpowers or lose them as the script demands. Akton, for example, possesses precognitive abilities and laser hands, yet conveniently forgets to use them in moments of peril. This haphazard approach to storytelling results in a film that feels more like a fever dream than a structured narrative.

 

“Engage plot armour.”

Now, let us talk about the amazing cast. First, we have Caroline Munro as the heroic Stella Star who spends most of her time running around in impractical space bikinis, playing a character who doesn’t act so much as exist, but she’s having fun, and that energy carries the movie, delivering her lines with an endearing sincerity, even if the script rarely gives her anything meaningful to do beyond reacting to the chaos around her. Next, there is Marjoe Gortner as Akton, a bizarre, inexplicable character with Jedi-like abilities, but the movie never explains why or how. Gortner plays him with an eerie calmness, like he’s constantly high on space drugs. Joe Spinell gives a delightfully over-the-top villain as Count Zarth Arn, chewing every inch of the cheap scenery. He growls, sneers, and laughs like an evil cartoon character, fully embracing the camp and playing the villain with exaggerated theatrics and frequent maniacal laughter. 

 

“I was in Godfather, damn it!”

Oh, and let’s not forget the real star of the show: Elle, the wisecracking cowboy robot with a Southern accent, who delivers lines like a malfunctioning AI programmed exclusively with Wild West clichés. Just imagine if R2-D2 and John Wayne had a love child, and you’re close. Then there is poor Christopher Plummer as The Emperor, and you can see the regret in his eyes. He delivers every line like he’s daydreaming about the paycheck, but his deadpan delivery of “Imperial battleship… halt the flow of time!” is legendary. Finally, we have David Hasselhoff, in his pre-Knight Rider days, playing an unmemorable space prince with fabulous hair. His big moment? Wielding a neon green energy sword against a robot while looking incredibly confused.

 

“George Lucas isn’t going to sue us, right?”

One of the most infamous aspects of Starcrash is its special effects, which range from charmingly amateurish to outright laughable. The film was made with a fraction of the budget Star Wars had, and it shows. Spaceships, crafted from toy models, float against colourful starfields that, like discount Christmas lights, their movements are stiff and unnatural, but glorious nonetheless. Explosions—often recycled stock footage—are used liberally, sometimes appearing multiple times in the same battle. We also get some stop-motion creatures, clearly inspired by Ray Harryhausen’s work, and they stumble through their scenes with an endearing clumsiness. That said, despite its overwhelming badness, Starcrash is never boring. It moves at a breakneck pace, throwing new ridiculous ideas at the screen every few minutes, and there is an undeniable charm to its visuals. 

 

This galaxy is very colourful.

The film’s bright, primary-coloured aesthetic sets it apart from the more polished yet muted tones of Star Wars. The production design, while crude, is imaginative in its own way, embracing the surrealism of 1930s serials like Flash Gordon. While modern audiences may laugh at the effects, they also reflect a time when filmmakers had to rely on creativity rather than CGI to bring their visions to life. And to be fair, the film’s appeal lies in its earnestness. Unlike many modern bad movies that are deliberately made to be ironic, Starcrash is completely sincere in its attempt to create an epic space adventure. It fails spectacularly, but it does so with such enthusiasm that it becomes endearing. Every element, from the nonsensical dialogue to the nonsensical action, contributes to an experience that is as entertaining as it is bewildering. In many ways, Starcrash represents the golden age of low-budget sci-fi filmmaking, a time when studios were willing to gamble on wild, ambitious ideas, even if the execution was lacking. It is a testament to the power of cinematic excess, proving that a film does not need to be “good” to be memorable.

 

It also helps if your cast is quite attractive.

In conclusion, Starcrash is the kind of movie that makes you wonder how it ever got made, but also makes you grateful that it did. It is a film that defies conventional criticism, existing in a category all its own. Gloriously messy—cheesy, nonsensical, and completely ridiculous—but that’s exactly why it’s so entertaining. Whether you love bad movies or just want to see David Hasselhoff wield a lightsaber, this is an essential watch.