If you thought the original Titanic sinking was a tragic affair wait until you witness the sinking of common sense and cinematic integrity in this masterpiece of confusion. This is a movie that is a catastrophe of epic proportions and I mean that in the most hysterically funny way possible.
Titanic: The Legend Goes On But Our Hearts Don’t.
Move over, James Cameron, because this film takes your classic tragedy and turns it into a wacky water ride from start to finish. Imagine a Titanic where the passengers break into spontaneous dance numbers as if they’re auditioning for a reality TV show called “So You Think You Can Waltz on a Sinking Ship?” Basically, this movie answers the question “What could be worse than the 1999 animated film The Legend of the Titanic?” And I’m sure that after watching this film, James Cameron beat himself over the head when he realized he’d failed to include a rapping dog in his retelling of this tragic tale. Talk about a missed opportunity. But what is the actual plot of Titanic: The Legend Goes On? This particular version deals with a poor girl named Angelica (Lisa Russo) who is treated as a servant by her foster mother (Giselle Matthews) and her two daughters and she is forced to endure their callous cruelty, that is until the ship sinks.
“I hope they don’t let Fairy Godmothers on board this ship.”
Wannabee evil stepmothers aside, we can’t have a proper Titanic story without romance, because what’s a sinking ship without a budding love story? Our dashing hero is an upper-class Englishman named William (Mark Thompson-Ashworth) who falls instantly in love with Angelica despite the fact they are trapped on a ship that’s about to do its best impression of a submarine. Their love story is so heartwarming that you’ll forget about all those inconvenient questions like, “Why are they singing during a shipwreck?” or “Doesn’t anyone care about, you know, survival?” Then we have the super-rich snob of a villain who clearly missed the memo about not being evil during a disaster. This guy makes Captain Hook look like a model citizen and he spends most of his time chasing the main characters around the ship like it’s a game of hide-and-seek. At one point I couldn’t honestly be sure if he was the villain of this piece or the ship’s personal trainer.
“Later I will tie an orphan to the iceberg”
But wait, there’s more! Just when you think this cinematic masterpiece couldn’t get any better, they introduce a load of other passengers including a failing banker named Jeremy McFlannel (Edmond Purdon), a jewel thief named Corynthia Meanstreak (Veronica Wells) – a very on-the-nose villain name if there ever was one – and her two henchmen Kirk and Dirk, a detective named Sam Bradbury (Mickey Knox), who has been sent to pursue them, and Molly (Pat Starke) as the ship’s singer despite the fact that band on the actual Titanic was only instrumental. Also boarding in the cargo hold are a group of animals, including a family of Yiddish mice, some geese, a dog named Fritz (Gregory Snegoff), a magpie named Hector, and a band of Mexican mice. Now, as dumb as this all is, personally, I’d have forgiven a lot if we saw Fievel from An American Tale onboard this ship.
I think these subplots are more guilty of sinking the Titanic.
And let’s not overlook the momentous climax – the sinking scene – so prepare yourself to be amazed as the Titanic hits an iceberg and then takes longer to sink than it would to explain the plot of this movie. Somehow, amidst all the chaos, our heroes find time for a casual swim, a dance-off and several heartfelt goodbyes. Who needs lifeboats when you’ve got dance moves that defy physics? But perhaps the most egregious offence of Titanic: The Legend Goes On is its complete disregard for historical accuracy and the filmmaker’s decision to introduce those anthropomorphic animals and fantastical elements into a retelling of a real tragedy, it is not only nonsensical but it trivializes the suffering of the real-life passengers and crew who experienced the disaster. But hey, this is a kid’s movie so I guess we’re supposed to let stuff like that slide. What I couldn’t forgive was the inclusion of a heroic mouse as a central character who is not only cringe-worthy but insulting to the intelligence of the audience, even if said audience members were callous five-years olds. And while all this was a terrible idea, and a perfect example of a misguided attempt to turn a tragic historical event into a bizarre animated spectacle, the visual quality of the movie is even worse.
When has love ever looked this bland?
The level of animation on display here is bad and I mean really bad. But just how bad is it? Well, remember those finger-paintings you did as a kid? Well, imagine those coming to life and then taking on the roles of our beloved characters and you will have some idea. The animators clearly embraced a “minimalist” approach, deciding that facial expressions were overrated and that characters don’t need to blink, resulting in expressions that range from “I just won the lottery” to “I forget how to act human.” Every character moves with the grace of marionettes being controlled by an amateur puppeteer and scenes that were meant to convey tension and emotion are, instead. met with unintentional hilarity. The characters’ stiff movements and lifeless eyes drain any sense of immersion from the viewer.
But seriously folks, who thought a rapping dog was a good idea?
In conclusion, Titanic: The Legend Goes On isn’t just a bad movie it’s an adventure into the depths of “What the hell were they thinking?” This cinematic disaster is a reminder that history can indeed be rewritten and, apparently, common sense can be thrown overboard to provide us with a version of events that will leave you speechless. So, if you’re ready to experience a sinking feeling that has nothing to do with the ship, gather your sense of disbelief and embark on this unparalleled journey of confusion and hilarity.
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