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Monday, September 12, 2016

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (2011) – Review

I’m not sure who keeps giving Uwe Boll money to make films but after all these terrible movies he's made I’m starting to suspect he is pulling a Max Bialystock scam from The Producers, and that he is intentionally making flops. After the cinematic turd that was In the Name of the King, which surprising included such actors as Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, and Burt Reynolds, he released a straight to video sequel starring Dolph Lundgren and a cast of people no one has ever heard of. In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds has pretty much nothing to do with the first film, and clearly has less than half its budget, but just how bad is it?


The movie opens with the Dolph Lundgren narrating over footage of a woman being chased by supposed group of assassins. The woman is the sorceress Elianna (Natalie Burn), who according to Dolph will save his life, and after she takes out one of the assassins with an exploding cupcake, and the remaining ones with her two knives, I ask the question, “Why in the hell was she running from these guys if she is such a badass?”


You can’t get good generic henchman these days.

Elianna then uses a magic amulet to open a portal to Vancouver, present day. So this is a movie with time travel, which I can get behind, but that raises the question, “Is the war-torn Kingdom of Ehb supposed to have been an actual historical place?” I’m no history major but I don’t recollect any such kingdom that consisted of sorcery, dragons and shoddily constructed castles ever existing. Why not make it another dimension like they did with Eternia in Dolph’s Masters of the Universe movie? Having this land supposedly from our past just adds to the script's stupidity and laziness. Regardless this trip to the “Present Day” properly introduces us to our hero Granger (Dolph Lundgren), who is a former Special Forces soldier now giving little kids martial arts training. During a demonstration he tells his eight year students that, “These nice gentlemen are after my money. They are not going to get it.” That these men are armed with baseball bats, wrenches and knives, and that he is teaching these kids anything other than “Hand over your money as quickly as possible” in this situation, has me wondering what the fuck kind of teacher is he?


"Don’t try this at home kids...seriously, it will get you killed."

When Granger gets home he is attacked by a group of sword wielding goons and is then pulled forcibly through the “Time Portal” by Elianna. He is then told that he is the chosen one of an ancient prophecy. Damn it, if the “Chosen One” cliché isn't one of the worst most overused thing to ever be created in fantasy/fiction I don’t know what else is, and in the case of this movie it doesn't even make sense. The typical chosen one is a person of seeming insignificance, plucked out of obscurity to face the dark challenges ahead, but in this movie we later learn that Granger is the son of the previous King, and that as a baby he was whisked off to the future for safe keeping. So he’s not so much a chosen one as he is the rightful heir to the throne.


“Can I choose to not participate in this cheap Ren Fair production?

In this movie we have the evil King Raven (Lochlyn Munro) who sends Granger on his mission to kill the Holy Mother (Christina Jastrzembska), the mysterious leader who of the Dark ones that apparently are terrorizing the kingdom. Turns out of course that Raven is the true villain, and that he’d taken the throne by wiping out much of the kingdom with a biological weapon, one he plans to use again in Granger’s timeline. How unleashing a plague virus in the present day would allow a medieval king to conquer the modern world is something left unexplained here, as is almost anything that happens in this movie. The main love interest is Doctor Manhatten (Natassia Malthe), whose name I’m not sure is supposed to be a in-joke of some kind, but she starts out giving Granger the cold shoulder, treating his wounds with disdain, but then after she leaves his room she immediately returns, starts undressing and states, “If we should perish I will not die unfulfilled.” Uwe Boll manages to condense the “Will they won’t they” romantic subplot to roughly five minutes. That’s kind of impressive, completely idiotic, but impressive nevertheless.


I’m betting this happens to Dolph all the time.

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds consists mostly of Dolph and company traipsing through the woods of British Columbia where their hiking will be occasionally interrupted by a poorly choreographed fight sequence. The acting across the board is universally terrible, the King seems to be trying to do a Jason Statham impression for some reason, and Dolph himself is clearly in paycheck cashing mode. In fact Dolph initially turned down the role but when he needed quick cash to pay off lawyer fees for a divorce he was going through at the time he changed his mind.


One of the lawyers seen here visiting the set.

This movie isn’t as bad as Dolph’s recent foray into sequels, which was Kindergarten Cop 2, the scenery is rather nice, but it’s also not bad to be entertainingly bad. Most viewers will be as bored as Dolph looks, and he looks practically comatose at times. Needless to say it’s no surprise that he didn’t return for In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission.


“If you could lose my phone number, that would be great.”

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