Hitman: Agent 47 (2015) – Review

There aren't many good video game adaptations out there, and even those few good ones aren’t really all that good when compared to your average straight out action or horror movies.  Silent Hill managed to get one good movie before diving into the suck, the Resident Evil franchise has able to make five entertaining action films, but that was by mostly abandoning anything from the games, and then there is Hitman, with two films based on the game and neither one any good at all.

 

Back in 2007 we had the first attempt at starting a Hitman movie franchise with Timothy Olyphant as the titular character, and it tanked horribly. Now eight years later we have Hitman: Agent 47 in an attempt to reboot the *cough cough* franchise, but they hired motherfucking Skip Woods to write the screenplay. Not only was he one of the hacks who wrote X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but he was the bloody bastard who wrote the 2007 Hitman movie. I think Albert Einstein had something to say about this, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

 

“I’m not crazy, I was just cast that way.”

So when this cinematic turd hit the multiplex with a resounding thud no one was surprised, no one I guess except the studio execs who keep greenlighting this kind of trash. The film even had the nerve to start out with a three minute info dump narration to explain the backstory to the movie we were watching. Was dear ole Skip worried that audiences would get lost in his labyrinthine plot lines if he didn’t spell out everything ahead of time? Or was he more honestly worried that ten minutes into this movie they’d most likely be texting their friends and making plans for something better to do with their time?

 

They even had to chain up the actors to keep them around.

The basics of the story is that a super-secret organization hired Dr. Piotr Litvenko (Ciarán Hinds) to create genetically enhanced assassins with super strength, intelligence, and reflexes, but then after having a daughter he grew a conscience and disappeared. He also left his daughter Katia behind. For you know, reasons.  Not exactly Father of the Year material our dear Litvenko. Years later Antoine Le Clerq (Thomas Kretschmann), head of Syndicate International, wants to restart the program, but they need to find Litvenko to do it, and finding his daughter may be the key to all of that. Strangely enough we find a beautiful woman searching for him as well.

 

“I have a mysterious past with plot contrived motivations.”

Katia (Hannah Ware) has been spending much of her life searching for a man, combing city archives for any sign of him, but what is weird is that she has no idea who the man is. So just how and why did she decide to look for this guy? All she has is a grainy picture to go by, and with no knowledge or memory of how this person is relevant to her, it makes her search beyond baffling. Enter John Smith (Zachary Quinto) who explains that the person she has been hunting is in fact her father, and that the Syndicate has sent Agent 47 (Rupert Friend) to kill her.

 

“Come with me if you want to live.”

He offers information about her father that allows her to figure out where he is hiding, but is he really on her side?  (Pssst, he's not.)  Now not only is this film chock full of sloppy screenwriting, it even blatantly rips off better movies. There is a scene where Katia and John are being held by American Embassy security in separate interrogation rooms, and then Agent 47 shows up and John has to help her escape while the Hitman is killing all the soldiers. The only thing this scene was missing was Rupert Friend saying, “I’ll be back.” But this film wasn’t happy just ripping off The Terminator, no they also go after Terminator 2 as well with the reveal that the killing machine that is Agent 47 has actually come to help Katia, and that they must work together to fight off John Smith, who after getting shot multiple times in the chest is revealed to have subdermal armor, and is working for the bad guys. Later they will storm Cyberdyne…I mean Syndicate International, for a big climatic shoot out.

 

“Take this, you are now a total badass like me.”

Of course the real crime perpetrated by Skip Woods and director Aleksander Bach is that for an action film it is so godawful boring. I don’t care how many overly choreographed gun battles you can fit into your 96 minute movie if you don’t give a damn about the characters it just doesn’t matter. Every lame twist and turn and “surprise” reveal doesn’t register because we’ve not been made to care about anybody. Both Rupert Friend and Zachary Quinto have been directed to give the monotonous voice of your clichéd emotionless robot, and it’s just terrible. And as for our heroine Hannah Ware, well she comes across as a soccer mom on Quaaludes, and the more that was revealed about her character the less I found myself caring about her problems.

 

She exhibits even less emotions than the heartless assassins.

The movie has a stinger ending that set’s up the next installment in the franchise, but there is pretty much no chance that is going to happen as it didn’t even make us much as the first attempt. That we get this kind of crap, yet are still waiting for a Dredd sequel, makes one wonder just what they are smoking up in those Hollywood boardrooms.

 

“I wonder who is going to play me in the next reboot.”

Tarzan and the Amazons (1945) – Review

Jane is back! With the franchise’s move from MGM to RKO the series has had to do without the awesome Maureen O’Sullivan, explaining Jane’s absence with her being back in London helping with the war effort, but now she’s back…kind of.  Jane may have returned to the jungle but not in the form of Mrs. Sullivan, but that of Brenda Joyce who will make five appearances as Jane.

The movie opens with Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller) and Boy (Johnny Sheffield) preparing to raft down the river to pick up Jane (Brenda Joyce) at the trading post in Randini. For those familiar with the series may wonder how one rafts from atop the Mutai Escarpment where Tarzan, Jane and Boy live, but this series apparently either forgot that’s where they lived, or just didn’t care to explain their move to just down the river from civilization. While poling down the river they spot what looks like a flock of really lost Canadian Geese, and Tarzan says that Boy is now old enough to come hunting here and that once they get Jane home he will bring boy back for some good jungle fun ie killing stuff.  While Tarzan, Boy and Cheeta raft to meet the returning Jane, their trip is interrupted by a woman’s scream.

 

“Boy, if that Jane screaming, that be new speed record for her getting into trouble.”

Turns out not to be Jane but a beautiful women running for her life from a couple of leopards and a black panther. The girl leaps off a high rock to escape the claws of the panther just as Tarzan dispatches it with a well thrown knife. The girl is Athena (Shirley O'Hara) an Amazon from the lost city of Palmyria, and because her ankle was injured in her flight from the panther Tarzan offers to take her home. Boy wants to come along but Tarzan orders him to return to the raft and wait. Which of course means Boy will immediately disregard those orders and follow Tarzan.

 

You really can’t swing a dead cat in Africa without hitting a lost city.

The city of Palmyria is ruled by an ancient Amazon Queen (Maria Ouspenskaya) who we first see praying before the statue of a Sun God as she goes over the God’s sacred decree that all intruders must forfeit their lives. With Tarzan entering the city carrying the injured Athena we immediately assume we’re going to get some Tarzan versus Amazonian warrior action, we are sadly misled. Just as Athena starts to beg for Tarzan’s life the Queen tells her, “You need not plead for Tarzan. He is our friend.” Oh, so that’s good…I guess. Wouldn’t want to front load the movie with too much action. The Queen gives Athena grief for disobeying the Sun God’s decree that no one should ever leave or enter this city. Tarzan states, “Queen make wise laws. Girl will obey.” Athena only wished to see what lies beyond the mountains, but fuck natural curiosity, just stay home and make babies. And just what right does Tarzan have for saying that this girl will obey, is he her dad or something?

 

Tarzan seen here being a dick to women with dreams, and siding with establishment.

Question: Just why are these Amazons worshiping a male deity anyways?  Wouldn't it be more appropriate for them to pray to the likes Artemis or Athena, and not Apollo?
So Tarzan is allowed to go on his merry way and return to Boy. They make it to Randini to meet Jane's boat without further adventures, fight with a croc not withstanding, and it’s there that we are treated to a heartfelt reunion between Jane and Tarzan. Unfortunately she has not returned alone, but with her on the boat were a group of scientists led by Sir Guy Henderson (Henry Stephenson), an old friend of her father. They have come to Africa to study some of the northern tribes, but when they spot a gold bracelet that Cheeta had lifted off Athena, (Cheeta being kleptomaniac menace remains consistent) they’re goals shift.

 

“This could advance science a great deal…also our bank accounts.”

Sir Guy recognizes the symbol on the bracelet as to having come from an ancient missing tribe, and is conned into ditching his original purpose of coming to Africa for “Fortune and glory.” He’s is helped along on with this decision by Bannister (Barton MacLane) the Randini trading post manager, who has never met a thing he couldn’t exploit. Bannister assures them that no native guide will be able to find this lost city, only Tarzan could lead them there. When Tarzan sees the bracelet he takes it and ignores all questions about where it came from. “Jane come with Tarzan,” he curtly says and leaves.

 

The Woman’s movement hasn’t quite reached this part of the world yet.

Sir Guy beseeches Jane to convince Tarzan to help them, “In the name of science.” That she actually tries, and then gives Tarzan the stink eye when he refuses, is all kinds of bullshit. When has white men exploring here ever led to anything but disaster? Boy is shown the wonders of telescopes, binoculars and microscopes by these new friends, and so he is also angry at Tarzan for not helping them. He also has forgotten that back in Tarzan's Secret Treasure “friends” wanting gold led to him and Jane being kidnapped. So when Tarzan offers to take Boy on the hunting trip he promised earlier, and the snotty kid refuses to go.  Tarzan get's a bit pissed at Boy’s impertinence and he snaps Boy’s bow and quiver in half, and takes off to hunt alone. This of course leads to Boy sneaking off to meet up with the expedition, and volunteers to lead them to Palmyria.

 

“It’s just beyond this cool matte painting.”

When they enter the seemingly deserted city a gong is heard and soon they are surrounded by bow and spear wielding Amazons. They are ushered before the Queen where they are told that intruders are to be put to death. Sir Guy does some smooth talking and convinces the Queen that they are not intruders but men of science, anxious to study the ways and culture of Palmyria, and even orders all the men to give up their guns to prove their peaceful intent. When asked about the dangers of them telling the world of Palmyria’s existence he ensures her that, “If we are allowed to leave peacefully no word of what we have shall be passed to a living soul.” He must be from one of those weird branches of science where they learn something and then never tell anybody about it.

 

“Thanks to me much of the world still thinks the Earth is flat.”

Trivia Note: Henry Stephenson, who plays Sir Guy here, previously played Sir Thomas Lancing in Tarzan Finds a Son.

The Queen agrees to spare their lives, but with one tiny stipulation, “You will never leave Palmyria. A place will be found for you among the men who toil in our quarries.” What…what? This Amazon society have enslaved men, who toil away in rock quarries, and Tarzan is okay with this? I’m not sure who we are supposed to be siding with in this movie. We have Sir Guy who is all for the noble expanse of knowledge, then there is Bannister who is all about greed, and then we have the Amazons who keep their own people forever trapped in this valley, away from the influence of the outside world, and they also have enslaved the male populace to work in quarries.

 

This matriarchal monster is one of Tarzan’s friends?

Boy enlists the aid of Athena in their escape, she does owe her life to Tarzan, but she stupidly tells the men where their guns were put. Worse is the fact that the guns were stored in the temple’s treasure room, and even Guy’s fellow scientist succumb to power of greed when facing such wealth. Sir Guy tries to prevent them from loading up with treasure but he is easily dispatched by Bannister. With Sir Guy dead Bannister takes charge and pressgangs Boy into helping carry some of the loot, but when Athena gets in the way she catches a knife in the back. Of course Bannister isn’t one of those “Make sure their dead” kind of people so he doesn’t notice the dying Athena crawl to the gong and sound the alarm. The ensuing fight is the only real action in this movie (I don’t count crocodiles fights as that’s more pest control than action in these films), but at least it’s some good action.

 

Note: These Amazons have one breast too many to be official Amazons.

Where has Tarzan been during all this you may ask? Well he was of course off hunting, and presumably sulking, while Jane wandered around calling out, “Boy!” Until a tree fell on her, that is. Tarzan finds her just before a lion makes a meal of her, and he brings her back to the treehouse. While nursing her back to health Cheeta shows up and informs Tarzan on what is going on with Boy. He rushes into action and encounters Bannister and Anders (Don Douglas), the only two that managed to escape Palmyria by dynamiting the rock bridge that connected the lost city to the outside world. Tarzan chases them into a mud pit and stoically watches them sink to their deaths.

 

I guess that’s better than being trampled by an elephant or eaten by a lion.

Meanwhile Boy, the only other surviving member of the expedition, is brought before the Queen and is sentenced to death, but just before he is going to down a chalice of poison Tarzan shows up with some of the stolen treasure and calls out, “Boy!” And then it cuts back to the treehouse, and them returning to Jane. No Tarzan kicking Amazon ass for them attempting to murder his son and we never do see these enslaved men in the quarries, so I guess they’re still fucked. The ending is so abrupt it catches you completely off guard. One minute we have a pitched battle between asshole explorers and bloodthirsty Amazons, Tarzan showing up to rescue his son, but then we suddenly have a comic epilogue of Cheeta dynamiting the river to get a fish. It’s like we’re missing a reel or something.

 

“Thank heaven you’re both safe. Screw anybody else in this fucking jungle.”

It’s nice to see Jane back but for all she added to the story she may has well have stayed back in England, but even Tarzan doesn’t do much as it’s really Boy who moves the “plot” forward. Tarzan is once again relegated to passive reactor, only getting involved if it’s a direct personal threat or if he’s bored. Director Kurt Neumann doesn’t managed to get any momentum going in Tarzan and the Amazons, and with so little action it even makes the short 76 minutes running time seem long.

Galactica 1980: Spaceball - Review

Sadly this episode entitled “Spaceball” has nothing to do with Mel Brooks, but damn could it have used an appearance from Dark Helmet. Because the Galactican children we saw in Super Scouts were so "entertaining" the producers decided to give them even more screen time in what basically turns out to be Bad News Bears from space.

When we last saw our “heroes” Troy (Kent McCord) and Dillon (Barry Van Dyke) they had ditched their responsibilities for watching the Galactican children by dumping them into the unable hands of their reporter friend Jamie Hamilton (Robyn Douglass), this without even asking her. Upon getting a vague message about new orders from the Galactica our two hapless dumb-dumbs meet up with Lieutenant Nash (Jeremy Brett) who gives Dillon and Troy new orders, and his Viper, so that they can go chase after the still on the loose time traveling Xavier. Nash tells them that the co-ordinates to where they can find Xavier have been programmed into the Viper’s computron by Dr. Zee (James Patrick Stuart). Also Nash isn’t actually Nash, but Xaviar in disguise.

 

“My crisp evil British accent should have tipped you off.”

We never find out what Xaviar did when he was apparently off in pre-revolutionary America, but whatever he did it doesn't seem to have changed much of the current timeline. When Adama (Lorne Greene) asks Doctor Zee how it’s possible that Xaviar now looks like Nash he is told, “We have become quite successful with our epidermal transformations. It is possible to look like anyone.” This of course doesn’t explain how Xaviar achieved this unless his time traveling Colonial Viper was equipped with state of the art Galactican medical equipment. Worse is the fact that all scenes with Dr. Zee and Adama make the once powerful commander of the fleet into a doddering fool, constantly asking for Dr. Zee to explain things to him. It’s just embarrassing.

 

“Dr. Zee, could you help me program my DVR so I don’t miss tonight’s Matlock.”

More embarrassing is the effects shots of Troy and Dillon marooned in space when the Viper they were given turns out to be sabotaged. We repeatedly get the same static photo of a Viper that is so jarringly stagnant that it makes one almost forgive the horrible wire shots when the two idiots do an EVA to fix their ship.

 

“I got no strings to hold me down, to make me fret, to make me frown.”

What is truly sad is that the escapades of Dumb and Dumberer in space isn’t even the actual focus of this episode, for that we have something much worse...the Super Scouts going to a baseball camp. Jamie takes the kids to her work, because what could go wrong with bringing a bunch of alien boy scouts to a newsroom? While there she picks up an assignment about a youth camp for underprivileged kids run by ex-major baseball player Billy Eheres (Paul Koslo), who we assume left the Majors because he misplaced his left arm.

 

“I actually have an interesting backstory, but right now we have to cut to commercial.”

Billy tells Jamie that the camp is in danger of being closed down, and if they don’t when the big baseball game in the Regionals they’ll lose their sponsors donations, which then will result in the camp going into bankruptcy. Jamie comes up with the brilliant idea of having the Galactican kids play in the “Big Game” so they can win it using their super abilities.

 

“Kids, it’s not cheating if it’s for a good cause.”

By this time Xaviar has shown up and told Jamie that he has been sent by Adama to help with the kids, while in fact he’s secretly using them as hostages. He radios Adama and threatens to let Dillon and Troy asphyxiate in space, and murder all the children, if he is not given amnesty, allowed to live somewhere on Earth, and not be interfered with. Things get even stickier when Colonel Sydell (Allan Miller) tracks them down, and sits back at the game to watch the kids expose themselves as super-powered aliens. Jamie realizes the danger and tells the kids to throw the game, cause fuck those underprivileged kids, but when she discovers what Nash is planning she tells the kids to stop losing and win so they can escape under the cover of the exciting press.

 

“Back to cheating kids, but it’s okay that other team were acting like jerks anyways.”

Jamie switches back and forth between “Hide your powers” amd “Use your powers” so often in this episode I’m surprised none of the kids suffered from whiplash. Eventually the Wonder Twins in space fix their Viper and make it to the game just in time to save the day, because in a surprising turn of events Adama turned down Xaviar’s proposal causing him to go into kill children mode. Poor Colonel Sydell catches a laser blast to the gut in the fire fight between Dillon, Troy and Xaviar, and though it isn’t a fatal hit he is replaced in the next episode by Colonel Briggs (Mark Peter Richman). I guess Barry Morse was busy.

 

Goodbye Colonel Sydell, you will not be missed.

Troy and Dillon let Xaviar escape because, “If we pursue him we risk injuring others.” This is Troy’s brillaint reasoning for letting him get away and is some kind of bullshit when you consider what a threat this dude is to the entire population of Earth. I'm betting the show was once again prepping him to be a recurring villain, but he is never seen again.

 

“Screw it, I'll just go and play Sherlock Holmes now.”

One assumes they re-cast the part of Xaviar with Jeremy Brett (who is still one of my favorite Sherlock Holmes) because Richard Lynch was unavailable to reprise the role, and Brett does make an excellent cold calculating villain in the mold of Hans Gruber, but with him never appearing again the whole thing comes across as rather half-assed. Maybe if the show hadn’t been cancelled after ten episodes he may have returned, but we'll never know. On the plus side this is the last episode that focuses on the Super Scouts.

 

“We’re going off to audition for the Space Jam now.”

The Hunger (1983) – Review

Stories with creatures of the night seducing fair maidens for their blood have populated books and movies for ages, so it’s nice when you come across one with a different take on the subject, and in Tony Scott’s first feature film that’s exactly what we got. Based on the book of the same name by Whitley Strieber, it tells the story of an ancient year vampire and her desire to not walk through the ages alone. The film was savaged by critics of the time, but has since gained quite a cult following. I myself consider it one of the Top Vampire Films made to date.

Miriam Blaylock (Catherine Deneuve) and John (David Bowie) are a beautiful and incredibly dangerous couple. The ethereal nature of their beauty is as intriguing as it is terrifying. They glide through the New York nightclub scene like a pair of sharks looking for a meal, and that is exactly what they are doing, for Miriam is a six thousand year old vampire.   She and John, her current lover who she’d seduced back in 18th century France, have fun as they stylishly take a bite out of New York.

 

Stylishly evil.

Miriam is not from the Bram Stoker vein of vampirism, she and her paramour do not sprout fangs to sink into the neck of their victims. They do need blood to survive, but instead of pointy teeth they have blades hidden inside ankh necklaces, perfect for severing a jugular.

 

Tools of the trade.

But there is trouble in paradise, for we learn that there is a distinct difference between the creature that is Miriam Blaylock, and of the nature of the "gift" she bequeaths her lovers. Miriam was never a human; she is an ageless creature that must create offspring to alleviate the loneliness of eternity. When she seduces a new partner in crime she promises them eternal life, and she isn’t lying, but what she fails to mention is that it doesn't include eternal youth. This becomes quite apparent to John when over the course of a few hours he gains wrinkles, and starts to losing his hair. Feeling betrayed, and rightly so, John seeks out Dr. Sarah Roberts (Susan Sarandon), an expert in the field of aging. When John confronts Sarah with his problem she considers him a nut job, and blows him off, leaving him to cool his heels in the waiting room for hours, but when she sees him leave her clinic hours later, looking decidedly older then when he came in, she realizes there is clearly something to his story.

 

This is about how I feel waiting for a doctor to see me.

Now Miriam does in fact love John, and has looked into the current research on aging in the hope of finding a solution to her recurring problem, but she is also very pragmatic, as she has been dealing with this issue for centuries. She knows that John’s youthful days were going to eventually end and so she maneuvered a replacement into her life, Alice Cavender (Beth Ehlers), a young girl that she and John have been giving violin lessons to. Unfortunately John’s incredibly rapid aging has left him unable to handle adult prey, and so when little Alice shows up at their home…well lessons are definitely over.

 

“Today we learn about requiems.”

When Miriam returns home to find John a decrepit old man she is deeply saddened, and even more put out when she discovers that he has murdered poor Alice, but she does not get angry. She truly loves John, and what is happening to him tears her apart, but her truly alien nature is an absolute fatalist, allowing her to move on with barely a sad look back. It’s at this point we learn the true horror of John’s situation, as Miriam carries his frail body up to the attic of their home. It’s here that we learn that the creature Miriam turns you into will never die, but will at some point wither into a frail husk, which she then stores up in the attic full of her other past lovers. The scene is as touching as it is horrifying, as Miriam slides the casket, now holding the living remains of John in it, she places a hand on an adjacent casket and calls out, “Lollia, this is John. Comfort him. All of you, all my loves…be kind to him tonight.” It’s a tribute to all involved that both Miriam and John come across as quite sympathetic here, and yet we just saw John murder a little girl mere moments ago.

 

Even karma is thinking, “Whoa…this is bit much.”

It’s a this point that Sarah Roberts shows up looking for John, and when Miriam looks upon the beautiful Sarah we immediately know she’s found her next partner. That Sarah is clearly not gay; she’s dating and living with fellow doctor Tom Haver (Cliff De Young) is not even an issue, for when Catherine Deneuve decides to seduce you, well you get seduced. I don’t care if you are man, woman or a piece of furniture. In the original script Miriam got Sarah drunk in the process of seduction, but Susan Sarandon had this changed to just one sip of wine because, “You wouldn't have to get drunk to bed Catherine Deneuve. I don't care what your sexual history to that point had been.”

Warning: You may need a cold shower after watching this scene.

What Sarah didn’t know is that during this intense, and incredibly erotic carnal escapade, Miriam had managed for them to swap blood during one of Sarah’s sexually dazed moments, thus transmitting the vampire virus to her. Sarah finds herself becoming ravenous, but unable to eat. She has her colleagues at work run a blood test on her and they discover that, “It’s as if two entirely different strains of blood were not only present, but fighting it out for dominance.” The thing that freaks them all out is the second, stronger strain, isn’t even human.

 

They should put Gregory House on the case.

When they find a strange blemish on Sarah’s arm she claims no knowledge of how it got there, but she damn well knows, and she heads over to Miriam’s place for answers.  Miriam remains very cagey about what is going on, but as Sarah storms out Miriam warns her, “You'll be back. When the hunger knows no reason! And then you'll need to feed, and you'll need me to show you how.” And that is exactly what happens. As the Hunger worsens she is forced to returns, weak and delirious, she crashes in one of the upstairs bedroom while Miriam sees about getting some “food.” Later a jealous Tom shows up at the door asking if Miriam has seen Sarah, he is told she is upstairs and not feeling well.

 

Things don’t go well for good ole Tom.

Having finally fed Miriam thinks Sarah has come to accept her change, but nothing could be further from the truth, and during a passionate kiss Sarah stabs herself in the neck with one of the bladed ankhs. As blood gushes between then, in probably the world’s least erotic French kiss, we realize that Sarah could never live this kind of life, addicted to blood, feeding off the world like a parasite…even an incredibly hot parasite. Miriam then carries Sarah up to the attic where the poor doctor will be spending eternity with her predecessors, but things don’t go according to plan.

 

Hell hath no fury like the undead scorned.

Miriam is aghast as she is confronted by her past loves, all looking well past their best sell by date, and while fleeing them she ends up flying off the landing and falls to her…death? What happens next is not quite clear; much of this is due to the studio forcing a new ending that could lead to a sequel. We find Sarah living in a foreign country, with Miriam in a box in the basement. Has Sarah come to grips with being a monster? Is she now like Miriam, and will live for centuries, never aging, picking up lovers along the road to eternity?

 

Maybe she’ll become a crime fighting vampire.

On the DVDs commentary track Susan Sarandon states that she was not a fan of this new ending, “The thing that made the film interesting to me was this question of, 'Would you want to live for ever if you were an addict?' But as the film progressed, the powers that be rewrote the ending and decided that I wouldn't die, so what was the point? All the rules that we'd spent the entire film delineating, that Miriam lived forever and was indestructible, and all the people that she transformed eventually all died, and that I killed myself rather than be an addict was ignored. Suddenly I was kind of living, she was kind of half dying... “

 

“Nobody knew what was going on, and I thought that was a shame."

Of course the poor box office made the idea of sequels a moot point, regardless if the unclear ending this is still a hauntingly beautiful film. Tony Scott started out in commercials and he took all her learned there to make The Hunger one of the most gorgeous films you will ever see. On the acting front you Deneuve and Bowie who both create these strange etheric creatures that we can’t help but be intrigued by, even when they are doing horrible, horrible, things. Sarandon’s grounded woman of science is perfect counterpoint to these two, and it adds up to make this a most memorable movie.

Note: I can’t think of another film that makes smoking look this glamourous. And almost everybody in this film smokes, in almost every scene.

Tarzan’s Desert Mystery (1943) – Review

With Tarzan’s Desert Mystery the series continues with the Ape Man’s jungle adventures for the war effort. Now Tarzan isn’t going out of his way to engage the Axis powers, they just keep crossing paths, and when you try and cross Tarzan it doesn’t matter who you’re working for, he will take you down.  nce again Jane is missing from these adventures, and is explained away as being still back in war-torn London working as a nurse to help with War Effort in her own way i.e. less elephant stampedes and more bandaging.

The movie opens with Boy (Johnny Sheffield) kicking it back with his chimpanzee pal Cheeta and a baby elephant, but then the quiet of the jungle is interrupted by a passing plane that tosses out a canister attached to a parachute. This is how Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller) and Boy get their mail now. Because Tarzan is still an illiterate mook Boy is given the job of reading the letter, and from this letter we learn that many of the soldiers Jane is treating are suffering from some kind of jungle fever. She request that Tarzan travel to the jungles of Bir-Herari, which is located across the desert, and where the rare fruit can be found that can be used to cure Jungle Fever. The letter specifically mentions that the trip is too dangerous for Boy, but Boy uses Tarzan’s inability to read to lie about the letters contents stating that Jane actually wishes Tarzan to take Boy along.

 

“She also says I can stay up late and eat as much candy as I want.”

Tarzan may be illiterate but he has a great bullshit detector and calls Boy out on the lies, but when Boy gives Tarzan those sad puppy dog eyes he caves in and lets him come along. As this involves crossing a merciless desert to a jungle chock full of dangerous creatures I’m betting Tarzan will leave this story out the next time he talks to Jane. Of course the dangers our heroes will be facing aren’t just of the natural kind, they will have to face off against German spies. In the Arabic city of Elecebra Sheik Abdul El Khim (Lloyd Corrigan) is being wooed by Paul Heinrich, alias Hendrix, a Nazi spy (Otto Kruger) while the Sheik’s son Prince Selim (Robert Lowery) doesn’t trust Hendrix, and constantly warns his father about this foreigner.

 

The Arab world trades up from Evil Grand Viziers to an Evil Nazi Spies.

To win the Sheik over Heinrich sends his assistant Karl Strader (Joseph Sawyer) out into the desert with a group of Arab raiders to bring back a beautiful wild stallion. Unfortunately when Tarzan comes across these guys roping and whipping the poor horse he beats them soundly, and sends them packing, and because the desert is such a small place Tarzan then runs into Connie Bryce (Nancy Kelly) a stage magician who has been hired by Sheik Ameer (John Dehner) to deliver a message to Prince Selim that will expose Hendrix’s evil doings. Once again Tarzan sticks his foot in it when he mistakes Connie’s “saw a women in half” routine as the real thing, and chases off her caravan with his misguided rescue attempt.

 

“For my next magical trick…a plot contrivance.”

Connie is rightly put out that she now has to abandon all her magic gear to make the trek to Elecbra, but lucky for her the horse they rescued had befriended Tarzan and Boy, so at least she has a ride. Actually this isn’t lucky at all as the second they enter the city Tarzan is accused by Hendrix of stealing the Sheik’s horse, and he is arrested. While Tarzan is being led off to jail he implores Connie to take care of Boy, and she consoles Boy with her pledge to help free Tarzan.

 

I guess Tarzan’s rep hasn’t made it this far yet.

With all her stuff lost in the dessert Connie is left without an act so Boy offers Cheeta assistance, who just so happens to be an awesome tightrope walker. During her act she sings a Yale fight song which surprises Prince Selim as went to school there while being educated in the States. They meet up that night and she hands him a bracelet Sheik Ameer gave her that contains the incriminating information against Hendrix, but turns out she was followed by a suspicious Hendrix, and when she leaves the Prince he catches a thrown knife in the back.

 

The spy business isn’t as fun as show business.

Hendrix and Karl race down to get the bracelet but Cheeta, who will steal anything not nailed down, had already made off with the bracelet, and Prince Selim, seeing this, burnt a random piece of paper before dying to throw the two Nazis off the scent. Connie is soon arrested for the murder of Prince Selim, with Hendrix and Karl as witnesses against her, and she is sentenced to hang. Boy and Cheeta manage to get into see Tarzan, and with some stolen turbans, thanks again Cheeta, they make a rope to escape out the window.  They then call their wild stallion friend and his horsie pals for a rescue
.

 

Elephant stampede was not available.

Tarzan, Boy and Connie escape into the desert with Hendrix, Karl, and a group of Arab riders hot on their trail. Our trio plus Cheeta manage to lose their pursuers in a sandstorm, and while hold up in an abandoned camel driver’s hut Connie discovers that Tarzan wants to go into the jungles of Bir-Herari to get the fever medicine before tracking down Sheik Ameer and clearing her name. With the German agents still on their trail this seems like a bad idea to her, but Tarzan is on a “Mission From Jane” and will not be deterred. When we finally reach the jungles of Bir-Herari we realize why Tarzan originally didn't want to bring Boy along, because this jungle is insanely lethal.

 

It has bloody dinosaurs.

 

 

Karl is eaten by a lion

 

 

Tarzan is attacked by a killer plant, but then rescued by elephants

 

 

Boy and Connie are menaced by a giant spider.

 

 

Herr Heinrich meets his end in the mandibles of said spider.

It’s times like this you understand why Tarzan likes to stay up on the escarpment, even with the stupid white men intruding all the time. Connie is able to recover the bracelet and message, and thus is able to clear her name to Sheik Abdul El Khim. Boy offers Connie a home with him and Tarzan back at the escarpment, but Tarzan realizes that could get awkward when Jane eventually returns, so they just say goodbye.

 

“Don’t forget to write.”

Once again directed aptly by Wilhelm Thiele Tarzan’s Desert Mystery is a fun romp with plenty of action to go around, though the dinosaurs and giant spider in the last act did seem to have come out of left field. After this installment the producers decide to ditch the “Damsel of the Day” scenarios, and bring in Brenda Joyce to replace Maureen O’Sullivan as Jane.