Beauty and the Beast (2009) – Review

Somewhere along the line, someone looked at Beauty and the Beast, a story that has survived centuries of retellings, and decided it needed to be dragged through a bargain-bin fantasy filter. The 2009 adaptation arrived with the cinematic grace of a dropped cinder block, armed with bad acting, worse effects, and a script that felt like it was assembled during a lunch break. This is less an interpretation of a classic tale and more a cautionary example of what happens when nobody involved stops to ask, “Should we?”

We begin with King Maximilian (Tony Thurbon) dramatically dying in bed while his relatives circle like vultures who’ve just discovered ambition. Count Rudolph (Rhett Giles), clearly auditioning for the role of “Most Obvious Villain,” solves the succession issue by murdering his cousin. Subtlety isn’t just absent; it’s been legally declared dead. The throne is up for grabs, and the film wastes no time establishing that everyone here has the moral compass of a damp sock.

 

“Can someone find me a girl to tie to some train tracks?”

Cut to Belle (Estella Warren), who is introduced as intelligent in a rather unique way…she makes scented laundry mixtures. Apparently, in this universe, fabric softener is the gateway to intellectual superiority. She wanders into the forest for herbs, because of course she does, and is immediately attacked by a wolf. Enter the Beast (Victor Parascos), who saves her life and then, in a bold display of social skills, fires a crossbow at her to scare her away. Nothing says “misunderstood romantic lead” like attempted intimidation with medieval weaponry.

 

Yes, folks, this is our heroic Beast.

Meanwhile, Count Rudolph and his merry band of future corpses stumble through the woods and run into Belle, who tells them about the Beast. They initially dismiss her, then instantly believe her, because the script needs them to. One of the soldiers suggests killing the Beast to win public favour, which is apparently the kingdom’s version of a campaign strategy. They track the Beast, someone gets brutally killed, and naturally, they assume it’s him. Evidence is for people in better movies.

 

“Do we even have a medieval CSI?”

Things spiral further when Belle learns from a random villager that the Beast is actually harmless, because exposition must be delivered somehow. She tracks him to his hideout and discovers the real killer: a troll created by Lady Helen (Vanessa Gray), who is this movie’s version of the “Enchantress” but is more a version of the Wicked Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Belle and the Beast bond because proximity equals romance, and he turns out to be a cursed prince. You know, like always, except with significantly less charm and far more awkward staring.

 

“Belle, our best way out of this movie is over those mountains.”

Rudolph and Helen team up to frame the Beast, because villains love teamwork when it involves unnecessary complexity. Belle gets captured, escapes with minimal effort, and Helen decides the Beast might secretly be the king’s long-lost son. This revelation is treated with all the weight of a grocery list. Helen manipulates events so the Beast is blamed for more murders, leading to his arrest. Belle tries to break the curse with a kiss through prison bars, which fails, possibly because even the magic system has standards.

 

She should have baked a file inside a cake instead. 

At the trial, witnesses lie, justice takes a day off, and the Beast is sentenced to death. Belle rescues him in a scene that suggests urgency but looks like a leisurely jog. Helen’s troll suddenly develops independence, because why not add a betrayal subplot at the last minute? The Beast kills Helen, confronts Rudolph, and declares himself the rightful heir. Cue a final battle where logic, continuity, and dignity all take fatal hits. In the end, the Beast wins, the curse breaks, and he transforms back into a human who looks like he just wandered in from a different casting call. He and Belle rule the kingdom, bringing peace and prosperity, which is impressive considering the entire country was run by idiots five minutes earlier.

 

Roll credits before anyone notices.

Stray Observations:

• The film opens with narration insisting this is “how it really happened,” which is a bold claim for a story involving curses, monsters, and spontaneous magical makeovers. Sure, let’s call it a historical record while we’re at it.
• Count Rudolph casually throws a rival heir out a window and calls it an accident, which the remaining heirs accept without hesitation. Apparently, defenestration is just one of those things that happens in royal succession and not worth bringing up again.
• The Beast saves Belle’s life, then immediately threatens her. Mixed signals, medieval edition.
• Rudolph switches from disbelief to full belief in the Beast in record time. Character consistency is for overachievers.
• The soldiers decide that killing a mythical creature will boost public approval. Polling data must be fascinating in this kingdom.
• A villager casually explains the Beast isn’t dangerous, and everyone just accepts it like it’s common knowledge they somehow missed.
• Belle thinks kissing the Beast through prison bars will break a powerful curse. Physics and magic both decline to participate.
• The troll switches allegiances mid-story for no clear reason. Even the monster is confused.
• As an actress, Estella Warren delivers the kind of performance that really highlights her background as a synchronized swimmer. Graceful, poised… and not especially concerned with dialogue.

 

“Hey, for your information, I was great in Kangaroo Jack.”

Director David Lister and cinematographer Nino Gaetano Martinetti bring a distinct lack of vision to the entire production. Scenes are lit flatly, staged without imagination, and shot like a low-budget TV commercial that forgot what it was selling. There’s no sense of atmosphere, no attempt to build tension, and certainly no visual identity. Forests look like random patches of greenery, castles feel like borrowed sets, and action scenes unfold with all the excitement of people waiting in line. It’s not that the film fails to elevate the material, it barely acknowledges that elevation is an option.

 

I’ve seen high school productions with more prestige.

This isn’t even Lister’s first swing at Beauty and the Beast, which somehow makes the result more impressive in all the wrong ways. After helming the disastrous Blood of Beasts, which dragged the fairy tale into Viking territory and still managed to misplace the point entirely, you’d expect at least a hint of growth or, at minimum, a lesson learned the hard way. Instead, this plays like a second attempt that learned nothing from the first, repeating the same mistakes with even less confidence. It has that faint déjà vu quality, like watching someone trip over the same step twice, only now the special effects seem even worse and the fall somehow less interesting. While the Beast design in this outing is an improvement, the other effects are definitely…special

 

It would take true sorcery to make this CGI look convincing.

As for the performances… well, calling them that feels generous. Estella Warren as Belle has the presence of someone who was told five minutes prior that acting involves emotions. Her line delivery floats somewhere between bored and confused, which might accidentally mirror the audience’s state. Victor Parascos, as the Beast, spends most of his time lumbering around like he got lost on the way to a fantasy convention and decided to stay. There’s no menace, no tragedy, just a lot of heavy breathing and awkward pauses. Rhett Giles chews scenery with enthusiasm, but even that energy can’t compensate for dialogue that sounds like it was written by a committee of sleep-deprived interns.

 

“I shall attempt to conjure up a proper script.”

Compared to other adaptations of Beauty and the Beast, this one doesn’t just fall short; it actively digs a hole and jumps in. Where versions like Cocteau’s poetic 1946 film or even the more polished modern retellings aim for atmosphere, romance, or thematic depth, this one settles for noise and confusion. It borrows familiar elements but strips them of meaning, leaving behind a checklist of plot points with none of the emotional connective tissue. It’s like someone skimmed the fairy tale once and decided that was enough research.

 

This was a very Grimm version of Beauty and the Beast.

In conclusion, this 2009 adaptation of Beauty and the Beast is the cinematic equivalent of reheated leftovers that were never good to begin with. It takes a story built on nuance, transformation, and emotional growth and replaces it with clumsy plotting, lifeless performances, and visuals that feel assembled rather than crafted. Every element seems to operate independently, as if no one involved compared notes before hitting “record.” And yet, buried somewhere under the layers of incompetence, there’s a faint reminder of why this tale endures, which almost makes the experience more frustrating. The potential is there, stubbornly refusing to die, even as the film does everything in its power to smother it.

Tales of Terror (1962) – Review

Roger Corman’s Tales of Terror is the cinematic equivalent of a gothic wine flight: three mini-doses of Edgar Allan Poe, poured into one luridly lit glass, swirled with gallows humour, and gulped down with Vincent Price’s velvety voice as the chaser. Released in 1962 at the height of Corman’s “Poe cycle,” it’s both spooky and silly, lavish and lurid, a film that’s as comfortable with melodrama as it is with morbid laughter. What results is a trio of macabre vignettes that manage to be creepy, campy, and unmistakably Corman-esque.

The film presents three short sequences adapted from Poe’s stories — “Morella,” “The Black Cat” (mashed together with “The Cask of Amontillado”), and “The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar.” Each is introduced by Vincent Price, whose honeyed narration sets the mood somewhere between bedtime story and funeral sermon. While the tales differ in tone — tragic, comedic, and horrifying in turn — they share a preoccupation with death, decay, and the foolishness of mankind, all served with a side of cobwebs and candlelight.

Morella

Lenora (Maggie Pierce), an unfortunate young woman who looks like she’s walked straight out of a soap commercial and into a haunted house, visits her estranged father (Vincent Price) in his gloomy estate. He’s drunk, dishevelled, and deeply resentful — blaming her for the death of his beloved wife, Morella (Leona Gage), who inconveniently died giving birth to her. Unfortunately, Morella’s body is still hanging around, literally decomposing upstairs like a houseguest who never left. Lenora wants to reconcile with her bitter father, but things get awkward when her terminal illness is revealed, and Morella’s restless spirit decides to even the score by swapping corpses. Soon, it’s body-swap mayhem, ghostly strangulation, and a fire that burns down the house — because in a Roger Corman movie, no family reunion ends without arson.

The Black Cat

Montresor Herringbone (Peter Lorre) is a slovenly drunk with a talent for self-pity and a hatred for both his wife Annabelle (Joyce Jameson) and her feline companion. One night, he stumbles into a wine-tasting event and challenges the debonair Fortunato Luchresi (Vincent Price) to a contest of oenophilic superiority. What begins as a drunken duel of the palates turns into a comic bromance between Lorre and Price, complete with priceless facial expressions and some truly heroic sipping. But when Montresor discovers that his new drinking buddy is now his wife’s lover, he gets revenge the only way Poe knows how: by bricking them up alive. Sadly, for him, the black cat has other plans — meowing his way into the evidence piles and ensuring Montresor’s downfall. It’s the only Poe story that doubles as a buddy comedy and a feline revenge tale.

The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar

In this final segment, the tone turns deadly serious — and delightfully grotesque. The dying M. Valdemar (Vincent Price, looking like death warmed over and then re-frozen) seeks relief from agony through hypnosis by the ever-creepy Mr. Carmichael (Basil Rathbone). Unfortunately, Carmichael keeps Valdemar trapped between life and death like a spiritual insurance scam. As weeks pass, the hypnotized corpse begins to rot but still talks, begging to be released. When Carmichael tries to force himself on Valdemar’s widow (Debra Paget), the corpse decides enough is enough — rising from the bed in a ghastly, dripping fury to enact supernatural vengeance. It’s Poe at his gloomiest, and Price’s putrescent zombie finale is pure, gooey gold.

A truly messy end.

Stray Observations:

• The “Black Cat” segment alone justifies the film’s existence — Peter Lorre and Vincent Price are the gothic Abbott and Costello we never knew we needed.
• The wine-tasting montage between Lorre and Price in “The Black Cat” might be one of the funniest sequences Corman ever shot — it’s less Poe and more Sideways with corpses.
• The smoke budget alone could have funded another movie. Every hallway looks like it’s on the verge of spontaneous combustion.
• The “Morella” house decor is peak early-’60s haunted chic: one part cobweb, two parts rot, and a generous helping of Victorian guilt.
• The ending of “Morella” is the house burning down, which is how about 80% of these Roger Corman horror films end.
• When Rathbone’s Carmichael hypnotizes Valdemar, it’s unclear whether he wants to help him or date him — the ambiguity is deliciously unsettling.
• Vincent Price doesn’t just star in all three segments—he dies in all three, too. It’s like a morbid game of Whac-A-Mole where every time he pops up, fate (or Roger Corman) gleefully smacks him back down.

It’s not easy being in a Roger Corman/Poe film.

Roger Corman’s direction in Tales of Terror strikes a perfect balance between gothic grandeur and B-movie efficiency. Working within modest budgets, Corman once again conjures opulent decay out of coloured gels, fog machines, and recycled sets from The Pit and the Pendulum. His pacing is brisk, but never rushed, allowing each story its own rhythm — tragic lament, black comedy, and existential nightmare. The use of the widescreen Panavision frame enhances the claustrophobia: every wall feels like it’s pressing inward, every flicker of candlelight like the last breath before doom. Corman, often accused of churning out quickies, proves here that he can blend atmosphere and irony better than most prestige directors of his era.

He adds a bit of ghoulish flair to his Poe outings.

Cinematographer Floyd Crosby, a frequent Corman collaborator, turns the film into a visual feast of colour and shadow. His use of deep reds and violet hues gives each sequence a painterly, otherworldly quality — like Poe’s stories being told through stained glass. Morella glows with ghostly blues and deathly whites, The Black Cat pops with garish pub lighting and drunken gold tones, and Valdemar sinks into putrid greens and corpse-gray shadows. Crosby’s work is so rich that it almost distracts you from the papier-mâché sets — almost.

Crosby knows his way around coloured gels. 

Screenwriter Richard Matheson, already known for I Am Legend and The Twilight Zone, adapts Poe’s tales with a deft mix of faithfulness and flair. He doesn’t just transcribe the stories — he modernizes their rhythm, injects humour where needed, and gives the characters sharper, more relatable neuroses. The Black Cat especially benefits from Matheson’s wit, transforming grim horror into near-farcical domestic tragedy. He even manages to make the metaphysical horror of Valdemar intelligible, which is no small feat when your main character spends half the runtime dead but talking.

You can’t silence Vincent Price.

And then there’s the cast — a veritable horror all-star lineup. Vincent Price, of course, is the beating heart (and sometimes rotting corpse) of the film, alternating between tragic romantic, comic drunk, and doomed victim with effortless charisma. Basil Rathbone’s icy presence in Valdemar is chilling; he plays Carmichael like Sherlock Holmes’s evil twin who minored in necromancy. Together, these actors elevate Tales of Terror from pulp anthology to something approaching high art — if your definition of high art includes ghost moms and talking corpses. Peter Lorre, deliciously unkempt, gives The Black Cat a loopy vitality — his slurred one-liners are pure magic.

“Pardon me, ladies, but could you spare a coin for a moral cripple?”

In conclusion, Tales of Terror is one of the crown jewels of Corman’s Poe series — an elegant, eccentric, and oddly charming blend of high Gothic horror and low-budget ingenuity. It’s a film where laughter and dread share the same coffin, where Price’s sardonic grin meets Rathbone’s villainous glare under Floyd Crosby’s dreamlike lighting. Whether you come for the chills, the chuckles, or the sheer theatricality of watching three horror legends relish every line of purple prose, Tales of Terror remains a masterclass in how to do anthology horror right. Like a good bottle of Amontillado, it only gets better with age — assuming you don’t get bricked up before finishing it.

The Premature Burial (1962) – Review

Roger Corman’s The Premature Burial is a morbidly elegant slice of Gothic terror, a film drenched in fog, obsession, and the soft echo of “Molly Malone.” The third of Corman’s Edgar Allan Poe adaptations—though notably the only one without Vincent Price—it trades sardonic grandeur for subdued melancholy. What results is an eerie and atmospheric exploration of fear, madness, and the perils of marrying into a household with its own private catacomb.

In the misty Victorian gloom, Guy Carrell (Ray Milland), an aristocrat with more neuroses than a Hitchcock villain, is convinced that his family is cursed to be buried alive. His father, he swears, screamed from his tomb as a child, though his sister Katie (Heather Angel) insists that little Guy’s overactive imagination was the real culprit. Guy’s fiancée, Emily Gault (Hazel Court), seems unbothered by his macabre fixation and agrees to marry him anyway, proving that love truly is blind, or at least tone-deaf to the sound of coffin lids slamming shut.

“You’re not plotting to murder me, are you?”

The wedding goes smoothly enough until Emily, in a display of hauntingly poor timing, plays “Molly Malone” on the piano. A tune that sends Guy spiralling into despair like a Poe protagonist who just discovered caffeine. His fears escalate, and soon he’s constructing a state-of-the-art mausoleum equipped with a bell, a door mechanism, and even a self-administered poison option. Miles Archer (Richard Ney), Guy’s skeptical friend, and Emily both worry that Guy is one step away from joining his father prematurely.

“Emily, everyone needs a hobby.”

To shake him out of his graveyard funk, Emily suggests a stroll through the moors—an outing that goes about as well as a honeymoon in a morgue. When a whistling gravedigger plays “Molly Malone,” Guy faints and dreams he’s trapped in his own tomb, only to wake and have Emily insist the gravedigger never existed, because gaslighting your cataleptic husband is always sound therapy. Finally fed up, she gives him an ultimatum: get rid of his tricked-out tomb, or she’s gone. Guy chooses love over coffins, destroys his vault, and seems on the mend, that is until Miles suggests opening his father’s tomb for closure, which promptly sends Guy into another cataleptic fit, this time for good.

How about some mad science to make sure he’s actually dead?

Declared dead by Emily’s father (Alan Napier), Guy is buried, but fate intervenes when grave robbers dig him up just as he reanimates. Driven insane, he returns home seeking vengeance, electrocuting Emily’s father in the lab and confronting Emily, who’s now making eyes at Miles. In full Gothic meltdown mode, Guy buries Emily alive in poetic irony, only for his sister Katie to shoot him dead. Emily dies anyway—because no one in a Poe story ever gets out unscathed—and Katie reveals Emily’s entire campaign of gaslighting and graveyard manipulation. Turns out Emily orchestrated Guy’s mental collapse all along, proving once again that if you’re afraid of being buried alive, maybe don’t marry a sociopath with a fondness for Irish folk tunes.

A debt paid in screams.

Stray Observations:

• The song “Molly Malone” has never sounded so sinister. Somewhere in Dublin, an old pub pianist weeps in confusion.
• Ray Milland spends half the movie looking like he’s about to faint, and the other half actually fainting.
• Emily gaslighting Guy with cats stuck in walls, secret whistling, and spring-loaded corpses? That’s not marriage, that’s performance art.
• The elaborate anti-burial tomb Guy builds would make Batman jealous. It’s basically Wayne Manor for corpses.
• In the tomb, Carrell calls dynamite a “new invention.” Impressive, since Poe died in 1849 and dynamite wasn’t invented until 1867.  Apparently Carrell’s tomb came with a time machine.
• Dick Miller, as always, pops up for five minutes to class up the place and remind us it’s a Roger Corman film.
• Watching Milland’s descent into madness is like watching someone argue with their own furniture—grimly compelling but slightly ridiculous.

I’ll say this: he fully commits.

Roger Corman’s direction here is restrained and moody, leaning less on shock and more on slow, suffocating atmosphere. Premature Burial doesn’t have the sardonic flamboyance of his Vincent Price collaborations like The Fall of the House of Usher, but it makes up for it with an icy elegance. Corman lets dread seep through the walls, as though the entire film is exhaling a death rattle. The pacing is deliberate—some might say glacial—but it works for a story about paralysis and helplessness. Every movement feels like it’s dragging itself toward the grave.

A moody piece right up to its fog-shrouded conflict.

Floyd Crosby’s cinematography, as ever, is the true star. His lens transforms Corman’s budget-conscious sets into painterly nightmares of mist and candlelight. The earthy browns and sickly greens of the catacombs contrast beautifully with the genteel pastels of the manor, visualizing Guy’s split psyche: one foot in life, one in the tomb. Crosby’s camera floats like a restless ghost, pulling us into Guy’s claustrophobic terror until the line between hallucination and reality blurs entirely.

He certainly knows how to film a graveyard.

Screenwriters Charles Beaumont and Ray Russell adapt Poe’s short story with an impressive mix of fidelity and invention. Poe’s original tale was more of a clinical essay on the fear of being buried alive; Beaumont and Russell turn it into a full-blown Gothic melodrama. They flesh out characters, inject some diabolical twists, and deliver a final act worthy of a Poe fever dream. The dialogue veers toward the florid, but that’s half the fun. These characters speak like they’ve swallowed a thesaurus dipped in laudanum.

I’d readily watch Hazel Court read a thesaurus. 

Ray Milland, stepping into the role Price might have played, brings a tragic dignity to Guy Carrell. He’s overwrought but never unwatchable, his descent into madness genuinely sympathetic. Hazel Court, as Emily, is radiant and duplicitous in equal measure, and her performance makes the final reveal all the more deliciously cruel. Heather Angel lends warmth as the loyal if creepy sister, while Dick Miller pops in as a gravedigger just long enough to remind us this is still a Corman picture, not a BBC costume drama.

“Alas, poor Miller, I knew him well.”

In conclusion, The Premature Burial may not boast the fiery theatricality of Corman’s Price-led Poe cycle, but it stands as one of the more psychologically interesting entries. Its power lies not in its shocks, but in its mood. A slow dance with mortality, obsession, and betrayal. It’s Gothic horror by way of quiet hysteria, anchored by Milland’s haunted performance and Crosby’s stunning visuals. For fans of Corman’s elegant morbidity, it’s a buried treasure worth digging up.

Blood of Beasts (2005) – Review

This film was released under three different titles: Beauty and the Beast, Blood of Beasts, and Blood of Vikings. That’s either a bold marketing strategy or some kind of tax dodge. Whatever the intent, the end result feels less like a rebrand and more like a warning label that nobody read.

In a Viking kingdom that looks like it raided the costume bin behind a Renaissance fair, Princess Freya (Jane March) is being lined up to marry Sven (William Gregory Lee), a man whose personality ranges from “smug” to “extra smug.” King Thorsson (Greg Melvill-Smith), who appears to be dying of a vague medieval illness called Plot Necessity, decides his last great idea is to sail to the cursed island of Gungnir. Freya, thinking several steps ahead of everyone else in this script, tells Sven she’ll only marry him if her father comes back alive. Sven agrees, because clearly nothing has ever gone wrong on a cursed island before.

 

“I double dog dare you.”

On Gungnir, the king’s army immediately gets wrecked by a “beast,” which turns out to be a berserker in a bear pelt with anger issues. Sven, displaying the leadership qualities of a soggy boot, decides to abandon Thorsson and head home so he can grab the throne early. Back home, he declares himself king because apparently, Viking succession law is just whoever speaks loudest in the room. Freya is understandably unimpressed, which is the film’s one rational emotional response.

 

“Is it too late to declare myself a lesbian?”

Freya, along with Ingrid (Candice Hillebrand), heads to the island to rescue her father, because no one else is going to bother. She finds Thorsson imprisoned and challenges the Beast (David Dukas) to a duel, which is already more initiative than anyone else has shown. Mid-fight, the Beast hesitates after spotting a pendant linked to Agnar, Freya’s presumed-dead childhood love. Freya then decides to stay behind with the Beast so Ingrid and her father can escape, because nothing says “good plan” like voluntarily living with a violent stranger in a bear rug.

 

“Would you care for a waltz in my ballroom?”

Back home, Eric (Justin Whalin) tries to shame the Vikings into action, which works about as well as expected until Sven’s ego gets involved. Meanwhile, Freya and the Beast bond because captivity is always a great foundation for romance. Sven eventually returns with an army, ignores Freya’s pleas that the Beast isn’t a monster, and has him shot and burned anyway. The Beast survives, of course, crashes Freya’s wedding like a very hairy RSVP, reveals he’s Agnar, and challenges Sven to a duel. Freya sacrifices herself mid-fight, Sven dies, the curse lifts, and Agnar gets his humanity back just in time to cradle Freya as she dies.

 

Nothing says “happy ending” like a funeral pyre.

Stray Observations:

• Sven abandons his king on a cursed island and is still shocked when people question his leadership.
• Freya’s big strategy is repeatedly “walk directly into danger and hope for emotional clarity.”
• The Beast’s whole deal hinges on a pendant that nobody thought to mention earlier.
• Viking warriors apparently take orders from whoever finished speaking last.
• The island is “enchanted,” which in this case means “has fog and one guy in a bear skin rug.”
• Burning the Beast’s body without checking if he’s actually dead feels like a rookie mistake.
• Odin’s curse operates on rules that seem to be made up mid-scene, and exposited in the least convincing way possible.

 

“Even he who is pure of heart can be cursed by a dick Norse god.”

Screenwriter Paul Anthony at least tried something. Setting Beauty and the Beast in the Viking era is the kind of idea that makes you pause and think, “Okay, that could be interesting.” New mythology, harsher world, less ballroom dancing and more axes. Then the film actually starts, and that promise collapses faster than Sven’s loyalty. The Viking setting doesn’t deepen the story or reshape the themes. It just swaps out gowns for furs and calls it a day. You’re left with the same old beats, only now everyone looks vaguely uncomfortable and historically confused.

 

Was wearing a dead muskrat on your head a Viking tradition?

David Lister directs this like he’s allergic to anything resembling cinematic flair. There’s no sense of scale, no atmosphere, no tension. Scenes just… happen. Characters move from one location to another like they’re ticking boxes on a to-do list titled “Finish Movie.” The pacing lurches, the emotional beats land with a thud, and any potentially interesting moment is flattened into something that feels like a rehearsal take that nobody bothered to improve.

 

Frat Bros of the Viking Age.

The visual effects deserve their own special mention, mostly because they’re barely there. The “Beast” is less a creature and more a guy who lost a fight with a thrift store rug, which makes the marketing’s attempt to pass this off as something in the orbit of The Lord of the Rings feel less like ambition and more like either staggering hubris or outright delusion. There’s no transformation worth noting, no magical presence, no sense that anything supernatural is happening beyond the script insisting it is. For a story built around a curse, the film treats magic like an optional add-on it couldn’t afford. The result is a fantasy that feels aggressively mundane.

 

“Which way is it to Mordor?”

The cast looks like they were assembled from the waiting room of a Xena: Warrior Princess audition and told to just go with it. Jane March does what she can as Freya, which mostly involves looking serious while the movie falls apart around her. William Gregory Lee leans hard into Sven’s villainy, though “hard” here translates to “loud and obvious.” Justin Whalin, of The Adventures of Lois and Clark fame, is the least convincing Viking in cinema history. He’s less a fearsome Norse warrior and more a guy who wandered in from a community theatre rehearsal and refused to leave. Greg Melvill-Smith shows up, lends a bit of gravitas, and then exits before the film can drag him down too much. David Dukas’s Beast/Agnar has the unenviable task of selling both feral menace and tragic romance while wearing what appears to be a shed carpet.

 

Could you love this Beast?

Among the endless parade of Beauty and the Beast adaptations, this one sits comfortably near the bottom, waving up at anything with a budget, a vision, or basic competence. Even the more misguided versions usually commit to a tone or aesthetic. This one feels like it’s constantly second-guessing itself, unsure whether it’s a gritty Viking tale or a bargain-bin fairy tale. It ends up being neither, which is impressive in the worst possible way.

 

Set fire to this one and sail away as fast as possible.

In conclusion, Blood of Beasts is what happens when a mildly interesting idea gets filtered through a script that doesn’t know how to use it and a production that can’t support it. The Viking setting should have added texture and danger, but instead, it highlights how thin everything else is. Between the non-existent effects, the questionable performances, and a story that stumbles through its own mythology, the film plays like a low-effort D&D campaign where nobody read the rulebook. It’s not bold, it’s not imaginative, and it’s definitely not the epic its marketing tried to suggest. It’s just another Beauty and the Beast retelling, dressed in furs and bad wigs, hoping you won’t notice how little is actually going on.

The Pit and the Pendulum (1961) – Review

A dark castle perched above a raging sea, thunder splitting the skies, and a torture chamber buried deep in its stone heart—these are the trappings of Roger Corman’s The Pit and the Pendulum, a moody masterwork of Gothic terror so fevered it could only have sprung from the imagination of Edgar Allan Poe. With Vincent Price delivering one of his most tragic and magnetic performances and Barbara Steele gliding through the shadows like a dark enchantress, this is horror as high art—painted in lightning, hysteria, and the colour of despair.

In 1547 Spain—a place where everyone sounds oddly American—Francis Barnard (John Kerr) arrives at the gloomy seaside castle of his brother-in-law Nicholas Medina (Vincent Price) to investigate the mysterious death of his sister, Elizabeth (Barbara Steele). Nicholas and his sister Catherine (Luana Anders) vaguely claim Elizabeth died of a blood disorder, which sounds suspiciously like “We don’t want to talk about it.” Francis, smelling a very melodramatic rat, vows to stick around until someone starts screaming or the castle collapses under its own Gothic angst.

“Don Medina, I’m simply loaded with angst.”

Over dinner, the family doctor, Dr. Leon (Anthony Carbone), provides a diagnosis for the ages: Elizabeth “Died of fright.” Nicholas explains that his wife became obsessed with the castle’s medieval torture chamber, where she spent far too much time brooding over the iron maiden. One night, after muttering the name “Sebastian,” she supposedly locked herself inside and expired. Francis, who has a functioning sense of reason, isn’t buying it and demands a tour of the scene. The result is a jaunt through the world’s creepiest man cave—complete with racks, chains, and all the comforts of the Spanish Inquisition.

“All families have their hobbies, ours was torture and murder.”

Catherine later reveals the grisly family backstory: dear old Dad, Sebastian Medina, was a sadistic inquisitor with a flair for theatrical punishment—especially when it involved adultery and hot pokers. Little Nicholas was forced to watch, which left him with enough trauma to fuel a century of Freudian textbooks. When he remembers that his mother might have been buried alive by Sebastian, Nicholas becomes convinced that Elizabeth met the same fate. Dr. Leon dismisses this as nerves, assuring everyone that if Elizabeth walks again, it’ll be as a ghost, not as a woman with serious claustrophobia issues.

“Should we call the Scooby gang?”

Sure enough, strange happenings begin to rattle the castle: a harpsichord plays itself, paintings are slashed, and Elizabeth’s wedding ring shows up where it definitely shouldn’t. Nicholas swears he’s being haunted, Francis swears Nicholas is delusional, and together they open Elizabeth’s tomb to find her body twisted in a pose that screams—literally—that she was buried alive. Nicholas faints with the kind of commitment only Vincent Price could deliver. But the shocker comes later when Elizabeth strolls in, alive, scheming, and thoroughly wicked. She and Dr. Leon have been gaslighting poor Nicholas into madness so they can inherit the castle.

Naturally, it backfires spectacularly.

Nicholas snaps, decides he’s his father reborn, and treats the villains to an encore of the family’s favourite pastime: torture. Cue the swinging pendulum, the pit, and a Vincent Price performance so grand you can practically hear the organ music swell. By the end, half of the cast has been murdered, terrified, or flung into a hole, and the survivors solemnly swear to seal up the dungeon forever. Francis staggers away, Catherine clings to what’s left of her family name, and the loyal servant Maximillian (Patrick Westwood) looks about ready to find new employment. The castle sighs in relief as the heavy doors close, but not so fast. Inside the iron maiden, Elizabeth—very much alive and very much screaming—realizes her cruel game has come full circle. Her muffled cries echo one last time as the door locks for good. The moral: in Gothic horror, never lock the basement without checking twice—and never underestimate Vincent Price’s sense of irony.

Villains will always pay the Price.

Stray Observations:

• If your coachman drops you off well before your destination, refusing to go any closer, maybe consider that a bad omen and turn around and go home.
• Dr. Leon: possibly the worst physician in horror history—diagnosing death by fright and prescribing hauntings.
• Don Medina claims, “The malignant atmosphere of this castle. It destroyed her.” But he knew of the miasma of barbarity that permeates these walls. Why did he bring her here? Couldn’t he have rented a nice villa up the coast?
• The element of premature burial was previously explored in the House of Usher, which is kind of a Poe thing, so why not?
• The film’s famous pendulum sequence lasts about ten minutes, which is exactly how long it takes for Vincent Price to chew every last piece of scenery.
• The iron maiden is less a torture device and more of a dramatic set piece, and it gets a nice closing with Barbara Steele.

The irony is in the spikes.

Roger Corman was a master of economical excess; he could make a $200,000 film look like a million-dollar nightmare. With The Pit and the Pendulum, he turns minimal sets and one big room full of props into a world dripping with gothic dread. The result is a film that feels expansive despite its budget, thanks to clever camera angles, coloured lighting, and a constant sense of motion. Corman directs like a man possessed by the spirit of Poe—or at least by the spirit of getting it done on schedule.

It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a small budget.

Floyd Crosby’s cinematography deserves special praise. His use of rich blues, reds, and flickering golds gives the castle a dreamlike, painterly beauty. The widescreen compositions trap the characters within arches, doorways, and shadows, visually imprisoning them long before the iron maiden does. Crosby, who once shot High Noon, brings a haunting elegance that elevates the production from pulp to poetry. Even when the plot wobbles, the visuals hold firm.

“Hold still, we’re working on cutting the budget even more.”

Vincent Price is the crown jewel of Corman’s Poe cycle, and here he gives one of his most nuanced performances—oscillating between tormented guilt, melancholic romance, and operatic madness. He’s both sympathetic and terrifying, a man haunted not by ghosts but by his own lineage and conscience. When he finally snaps and channels the sadistic spirit of his father, it’s pure theatre—grand, tragic, and more than a little fun.

His performance here is worth the Price of admission.

Barbara Steele, the queen of Italian Gothic horror, is a perfect counterpart. Her presence electrifies the film’s later scenes, her haunting features contrasting beautifully with Price’s expressive fragility. Steele doesn’t get much screen time, but when she does, she owns it—her voice dripping with venom as she reveals her betrayal. Together, they create the film’s most unforgettable moments: beauty and madness waltzing through the dungeon.

Don’t expect lasting love in a Poe story.

As a Poe adaptation, The Pit and the Pendulum takes wild liberties. Screenwriter Richard Matheson—who also penned House of Usher—expands Poe’s brief tale of psychological torture into a full-blown gothic melodrama stuffed with necrophilia, gaslighting, and generational trauma. The result bears little resemblance to the original story, functioning more like The Fall of the House of Medina, but Matheson’s additions give Vincent Price something deliciously tormented to play. The final act nods back to Poe’s imagery as the pendulum descends—albeit with more melodrama than the author likely imagined. Still, if you’re going to warp literature, this is the way to do it: with atmosphere, excess, and Vincent Price in an inquisition outfit.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

In conclusion, The Pit and the Pendulum is a delirious triumph of Gothic style over narrative sense. It’s less an adaptation than a séance, a cinematic invocation of Poe’s spirit through colour, shadow, and Vincent Price’s trembling voice. Roger Corman’s thrifty brilliance, Floyd Crosby’s visual artistry, and Matheson’s baroque script all combine to create something both ridiculous and mesmerizing. Like the pendulum itself, it swings between horror and camp, terror and theatre, and never stops being fun to watch.