Top Ten Disney Villains

There is probably no other movie studio that has a better roster of villains than The House of Mouse. The roll call of Disney villains contains some of the most iconic figures in pulp culture history with many of the villains being more popular than the hero/heroine they oppose. Everyone has their favorites so today I’m sharing my favorite villains. Now look at a villain I take in their appearance, effectiveness and level of evil to decide where they fall in ranking. So here we go.

#10 THE HORNED KING

 The Horned King is the chief villain of The Black Cauldron which is an often overlooked Disney film and really worth checking out if only for The Horned King, because he is terrifying. This horned skeletal creature with rotting flesh just may be Disney’s only zombie villain. His intention is to become a “God among mortal men” and to achieve this he needs the titular Black Cauldron to raise an army of the dead so that he wipe out all living things. Sadly he isn’t the most proactive of villains relying on creepy henchmen to do most of the stories heavy lifting.

 Still zombie king with an army of the undead isn’t something to sneeze at.

#9 CAPTAIN HOOK

Captain Hook from Peter Pan gets serious points just for being a pirate because pirates are cool. He’s a snapper dresser and knows his way around a sword fight (down a point for losing to Peter Pan who manages to parry Hook’s sword with but a knife). Aside from the pirate thing he gets villainous cred for seemingly having the sole goal in life of killing Peter Pan and any Lost Boy who get in his way. He even tries to murder Peter with a time bomb that he tricks Tinker Bell into delivering.  A very pirate thing to do, that and his cool hook lands him in the nine spot.

#8 SCAR

 Scar is the chief villain of The Lion King and though he is rather mangy and not much of a physical threat but he does conspire to murder his brother to become king of Pride Lands. He even tries to get poor little Simba killed by sicking his hyena flunkies to finish off what the stampede failed to do. Extra villain points for making poor Simba believe he was responsible for his father’s death. So Scar is guilty of regicide, fratricide and contract killing of the rightful heir. Upon taking the “Throne” he proceeds to run the Pride Lands into the ground. (Note: I’m not sure how poor leadership causes a drought but Scar somehow manages it.)

 Bonus point for holding a Hyena Nuremburg Rally.

#7 URSULLA

 Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid is one of best in the “Big and Brassy” category of villains. She’s rotten and she knows it and wouldn’t have it any other way.  She is a villain that truly loves her work.  She tricks King Triton’s subjects by offering them their hearts desire but with some nasty strings attached that lands them looking like wilted plants in a garden of sadness. It’s when she tries to go for the big brass ring herself that lands her in trouble and earns her a ships’ bowsprit through the belly. Still decent points for getting King Triton’s crown and trident, for however briefly, and then turning herself into a giant tentacle sea goddess.

 “Those poor unfortunate souls!”

#6 SHERE KHAN

 Shere Khan the tiger from The Jungle Book gets a bonus point for being the villain in the first Disney film that I saw in theatres (during one of its re-releases, I was only one year old when it originally debuted) and thus has earned a special place in my heat. That aside he is still a badass villain, like most good villains he is very goal orientated and in this case that’s killing a young boy by the name of Mowgli. Now Mowgli’s only crime is being a man and thus a future threat if he ever manages to make “Man’s red fire” or worse get a gun. What makes Shere Khan stand out though is his cool and casual manner, he never seems worried, victory is never in question, so when things do go south for him we the audience are almost as surprised as he is. The voice work by the brilliant English actor George Sanders certainly makes Shere Khan the coolest cat in the jungle.

#5 CRUELLA DE VIL

 Cruella de Vil from 101 Dalmatians gets this spot because she is trying to make a fur coat out of puppies, seriously, PUPPIES! That alone earns her this spot on the list, she loves furs and thinks Dalmatian spots are just so awesome that killing a hundred or so puppies to get a great coat is justified. She also gets bonus points for looking just so freaking weird. She even has an great theme song, “Cruella De Vil, Cruella De Vil, If she doesn’t scare you,no evil thing will. To see her is to take a sudden chill. Cruella, Cruella De Vil.”  Like many a villain her poor choice in henchmen is her undoing. Well that and being batshit crazy.

#4 THE WICKED QUEEN

 The Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was Disney’s first animated feature length villain and she is a doozy. Mostly just known as The Wicked Queen she earns her spot for being insanely vain and for being the first wicked stepmother in the Disney canon. So jealous of Snow White’s approaching beauty that she dressed the little princess in rags and forced her to work as a scullery maid. When the wicked Queen’s magic mirror finally rats out Snow White for being fairer than the Queen she reacts rather poorly.

 Now the Queen had several options on how to deal with a beauty rival, she later turns herself into a crone to trick Snow White so why not use that magic to turn Snow White into an old crone, but no she goes right for the death penalty. She asks her faithful huntsman to take the young princess out into the forest, murder her and then bring back her heart as proof. That’s pretty damn cold.  When the Queen finds out she has been tricked she decides to handle things personally and goes the poison apple route.

 Sadly she ignores the “Love’s First Kiss” loophole in the “Sleeping Death” poison believing that the dwarves will bury her alive. This of course doesn’t turn out to be the case and she ends up dead when God smacks her down.

#3 THE COACHMAN

 The Coachman from Pinocchio wins his spot by being the most out and out evil villain in a movie that already has several villains in it. You have Honest John and his idiot sidekick Gideon, the puppet master Stromboli who threatens to chop our hero into kindling, and Monstro a whale that swallows ships whole, but it was The Coachman who always terrified me.

 He lures stupid miss-behaving young boys to Pleasure Island where after a of night mischief they turn into donkeys that he then sells to the salt mines, unless they can still talk; those are penned up for who knows what horrible fate he has in store for them. We’re not even sure if The Coachman is even human; his spooky looking henchmen lead us to believe he just might not be.

I wonder how many kids had nightmares after watching poor Lampwick’s transformation.

#2 CHERNABOG

 Chernabog is Disney’s purist representation of evil. His “Night on Bald Mountain” sequence in Fantasia has always been my favorite; no slight to Mickey’s “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” but Chernabog is a giant demon who summons ghosts, including spirits of hung criminals, demons, and harpies, and for fun he occasionally grabs one of his minions and casts them into the fire to watch their torment and all to the awesome music of Modest Mussorgsky.

 Basically he is just that Metal. He is also a rare Disney villain in that he never speaks, but he pretty much defines the phrase “Actions speaker louder than words.” He is only undone by the church bells ringing and the rays of the dawning sun.   

#1 MALEFICENT

Maleficent is the Queen of Evil and the star of Disney’s Sleeping Beauty, now some may think the Princess Aurora is the star of this film but really she doesn’t hold a candle to the magnificence that is Maleficent. Not only is she the most beautifully designed villain in Disney’s canon she gives Chernabog a run for his money in the pure evil category. Her arrival in the movie is at the christening of baby Princess Aurora and because she wasn’t invited Maleficent places a curse on the baby stating that before the sun sets on her sixteenth birthday she will prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die. Now that’s a pretty heavy overreaction to being left off the party list, cursing a baby?

 “You poor simple fools, thinking you could defeat me. Me, the mistress of all evil.” Maleficent is certainly the most powerful of the Disney villains, she can teleport, cast lightning, create a forest of thorns and has an army of goblins and trolls at her beck and call.

Oh and she can turn herself into a giant FIRE BREATHING DRAGON!

 Maleficent for the win. Well she would have won if it wasn’t for those meddling faeries that enchanted Prince Philip’s sword with the incantation, “Sword of truth fly swift and sure that evil die and good endure!” That just cheating.  But she does win the top spot in my list of greatest Disney villains.

 So those are my top ten favorite Disney Villains, now I know my ranking may differ from yours, and some of your favorites may be missing completely, but that is what fun debates are for.

"Now face me and all the forces of Hell!"

 Honorable mention goes to man, as it was man in the forest that shoots Bambi’s mother. Probably one of the most traumatic moments in many a child’s formative years.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Before the year 2000 superhero films didn’t get a lot of respect, in the 70s we had Richard Donner’s Superman: The Movie and in the 80s Tim Burton’s Batman, but aside from those rare success stories the superhero genre never really took off. Then came Bryan Singer, his X-Men movie not only received mostly positive reviews it also managed to make $296,339,527 in ticket sales worldwide.  This was a game changer.

 Bryan Singer left the franchise after doing just one more entry but now he’s back at the helm with X-Men: Days of Future Past and I must say, “Welcome back, sir!” This entry almost makes one forgive him for abandoning us into the hands of Brett Ratner and his lamentable X-Men: The Last Stand.

Well, almost forgiven.

 Based on a comic storyline from X-Men gods Chris Claremont and John Bryne and containing one of my favorite tropes, time travel, Bryan Singer brings us a slam-bam, knock-down, drag-out, balls-to-the-walls adventure film with fantastic action set pieces, brilliant dramatic performances, and a story that keeps you at the edge of your seat.

This film finally allows Ice Man to show his stuff.

 The movie begins in the near future where nigh-unstoppable robots called Sentinels have made Hell on Earth as they wage war on mutant kind and any human who side with them. With mutants on the brink of extinction a mad plan is put into effect, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) will have his mind sent back to his 1973 body so he can prevent Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from committing an act that will eventually lead to this post-apocalyptic future.

  These Sentinels are just scary freaky.

 This plan hinges on Wolverine being able to get help from a young Professor Xavier (James McAvoy) and Magneto (Michael Fassbender) who at this particular point in time really, really don’t get along. Both McAvoy and Fassbender give such weight and gravitas to their roles as bitter enemies with a shared pain and love, taking what was introduced in X-Men: First Class then bringing it to a whole new level.

 Major shout out to Evan Peters (American Horror Story) who plays the mutant speedster Quicksilver. He is just so much fun to watch in his all too brief moments on screen that I really hope he gets upgraded to the A-Team for X-Men: Apocalypse.

The villain of the piece is Bolivar Trask played by the great Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones) who is kind of like a short Hitler only instead of the Jews he is using the mutant threat to bind humanity together.

 Of course much of the stories heavy lifting is done by the superbly charismatic Hugh Jackman who has played the part of Logan/Wolverine seven times now and he just keeps getting better. Seeing poor future Logan getting plopped back in the seventies is one of the films many joyous moments.

 Time Travel Note: Many films drop the ball when they have characters moving back and forth through time. Falling into the paradox trap is something so many sci-fi time travel movies do, but Bryan Singer uses string theory for the basis of his story and it really works.

“You know that in the comic it was me that went back in time, right? *sigh*

 So once again, thank you Mister Singer for bringing the franchise firmly back on track, tying the original cast members nicely with the excellent group from X-Men: First Class gives us hope for the future.

Let's hear it for Jennifer Lawrence...

...who is awesome in any form.

Pompeii

I love disaster movies. Weather catastrophe, geological upheavals or cosmic threats it doesn’t matter I love them all. Now throw that all into a Sword & Sandal flick and you’ve almost no chance of disappointing me. So it would seem that director Paul W.S. Anderson made a film with just me in mind. So how did it fair?

"Are you not entertained!

I enjoyed the hell out of this movie! Now does that mean I think it’s a good movie? That’s a tougher question as it doesn’t have an ounce of originality in its pretty little head as it basically places Ridley Scott’s Gladiator at the feet of Dante’s Peak with a couple borrowed elements from Titanic. The film is populated with stock characters you’ve seen a dozen times which saves Paul W.S. Anderson from not having to really explain anybody’s motivation and thus get to the disaster that much quicker. Which is what we’re all here to see, well maybe a few women are here hankering to see Kit Harrington’s abs, but mostly it’s the carnage.

Abtacular!

The movie begins with the Roman army slaughtering a village of Celts who apparently rebelled against the Empire. General Evil (Kiefer Sutherland’s character is actually named Corvus but for the sake of this review he will be henceforth known as Evil) orders all of the Celts killed to set an example to all like minded people. Somehow a little Celtic boy named Milo is the sole survivor and, after watching his parents brutally killed and his people exterminated, he is captured by a group of slavers.
This little boy skips the Conan the Barbarian “Wheel of Pain” body building routine and just jumps ahead to the gladiator portion of his life where he is now played by Kit Harrington. To the fans of gladiatorial sports he is simply known as The Celt, he is a bad-ass with a sword and all opponents fall before him like wheat on harvest day. He then gets the Russell Crowe transfer from the sticks to The Show with minimal of effort or screen time.

 It’s on his way to Pompeii and the big time that he meets the love interest Cassia (Emily Browning), we know she is the girl for him because though she is a citizen of the Roman Empire she hates Rome, and her and her personal slave are besties. Cassia has cut her Rome vacation short due to the unwanted attentions of General Evil, who is now Senator Evil.

 “I try to do ten evil things before breakfast.”

 Cassia’s parents (Jared Harris and Carrie-Anne Moss) need serious funds for their planned renovations of Pompeii and Senator Evil offers to be their patron, but of course he’s got strings attached to this as he later reveals that if Cassia doesn’t marry him he will have her family branded as traitors to the Empire and killed. Basically Kiefer is playing Snidely Whiplash and the only reason he doesn’t end up tying Cassia to some train tracks is because they haven’t gotten around to inventing trains yet.

 “Friends, Romans, country men…lend me a script.”

 Meanwhile, Milo finds himself in another scene blatantly ripped off from Gladiator as he and his new best friend and fellow gladiator Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaj) must perform in a re-enactment of a Roman victory, and of course it’s of the genocide of Milo’s people, but surprise surprise it seems ole Milo and Atticus are just too awesome to lose and wipe the floor with their enemies. Who saw that coming?

“Did you see Russel Crowe out there?”

 Historical Note: Gladiatorial games were a business much as sporting events are today, only slightly less homophobic, and as a business having your property fighting to the death every time they step into an arena would be fiscally irresponsible. Less than 10% of fights between gladiators ended in death. This does not count criminals or Christians who would be the ones doing fatal re-enactments of big battles and not the professional gladiators. Having your two best gladiators’ fight each other to the death would be just plain stupid.

 Mount Vesuvius erupts!

The volcanic eruption kind of interrupts the games and the nasty tantrums of Senator Evil. Now we start getting what we paid our $10 bucks for as the coliseum collapses, lava bombs strike the city, and crowds of people stampede for safety. At some point Cassia and Milo fell in love (it involved a horse ride, chicks dig horses) so Milo has to rescue her from certain doom, both the doom of an erupting volcano and the continued machinations of Senator Evil who should really be trying to get the hell out of Pompeii and worry about his love life later.  But you see he is EVIL!

Disaster Movie Note: Seeing as this story takes place in 79 AD one character is missing. The person, usually the hero, who tries to warn the populace of the danger but is ignored. During this time period you weren’t going to run into volcanologist unless they were priests worshiping the god Vulcan. So all we get in this film is the Master of the Games warning Jared Harris that the stadium may be structurally unsound after some minor quakes.  He is of course ignored.

 Paul W.S. Anderson was not content to just give us a rousing pyrokinetic show with lava bombs (Note: There is no evidence that Vesuvius lobbed any such things) but he decided to give us a tsunami as well. The volcano causes the tide to recede and then to rush back in over the city carrying away ships and people in an awesome display of power.

Wait, Pompeii isn’t even a port city, how is this happening?

 The CGI carnage is rather well done and you can see this is where the budget went (certainly not to the script department) and one cannot but gleefully giggle as you watch Senator Evil in a chariot trying to outrace Milo while the city explodes around them. It’s just gloriously goofy.

So yes, this is not the greatest story ever told, but by Vulcan’s beard it was fun. Paul W.S. Anderson delivers what he promised and the cast all provide serviceable performances, with the exception of Kiefer Sutherland whose over-the-top performance and the strange British/Hans Gruber accent is more of a marvel than the volcano, and once again love conquerors all…oh…um…well most of the time it does.

"You know nothing, Jon Snow.

Captain America II: Death Too Soon

If at first you don’t succeed try, try again and this was certainly the philosophy of CBS back in 1979.  After the network’s first Captain America TV movie failed to get a series off the ground  later that very same year they decided to have another go at it. It also failed.  This installment begins with what clearly would have been the shows opening if it had been picked up for a series run as it’s basically a credit montage with lots of shots from the first TV movie and even more endless footage of Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) driving the same coast road in his “awesome” van. After the credits we find Rogers sketching an elderly woman.

This is a marked improvement over his sketching of small children.

This is where we get our first bit of action as Steve saves her from getting hit by a Frisbee, now I’m not saying this isn’t something Captain America would do, because he totally would, but maybe we could focus on something with a bit more bite.

 It is from this sweet old lady that Steve learns a group of muggers is preying on the elderly, waiting for them to cash their pension check and then snatching it away from them. Steve tells her to go ahead and cash her check and not to worry. Sure enough the poor woman is immediately targeted by the local street gang but the minute her purse is snatched Captain America leaps into action. Bursting out of the back of his van on his Super-Bike he races after the purse snatcher and retrieves said purse.

 The mugger decides to pull a knife on Captain America because in this universe nobodies heard of Captain America. Cap throws his shield at the mugger but it flies over the guy’s head (Note: Once again the shield is a silly transparent Plexiglas thing that doubles as his bike’s windscreen), it wobbles slowly through the air before circling back to nudge the mugger in the back rendering him unconscious.

 The action scene isn’t over yet as the mugger’s partner is in a dune buggy and is fleeing the scene. Cap chases after the dune buggy on foot because either he forgot he has a Super-Bike or he saw a sign that said “No motorized vehicles on the beach” and of course he is not one to break the law. Cap yanks the driver out of the dune buggy without any seeming concern that the vehicle continues down the beach on its own where it could potentially run over poor hapless civilians. He then tells the mugger “I want you to remember when you get out of jail pal! The old people in this town are my friends. And if I hear they’re having problems again, I’m comin’ after you! You got that?” He then demands to know the name of every member of the gang. We never find out what he does with these names but I bet he just sent them all sternly worded letters about the perils of a life of crime.

 Finally the actual plot of this movie gets into gear with the kidnapping of Professor Ilson (Christopher Cary) who has been secretly working on a formula that speeds up aging. While being kidnapped Ilson managed to write “MIGU” on a piece of glass with hydrochloric acid, these were obviously patient kidnappers, and it’s these letters that have Dr. Simon Mills (Len Birman), Dr. Wendy Day (Connie Sellecca) and Steve Rogers sure that the man responsible is none other than “Miguel” a revolutionary/terrorist responsible for several kidnappings and murders of diplomats all over Europe.

 Professor Ilson is being held by General Miguel (Christopher Lee) inside a prison where the poor man is forced to mass produce his rapid aging formula.  You see the Professor’s hometown has been gassed with the formula and all the residents will rapidly age if not given doses of the cure. Quite the ingenious blackmail ploy.  Miguel is pretending to be the warden so he can work out of this local prison because “Who in the world would think of looking for the famous terrorist Miguel inside an American penitentiary?” Miguel taunts Professor Ilson. Can’t argue with that logic.

 Our heroes realize that the only way Miguel can have Ilson working on this formula is if he provides him with the necessary rare chemicals, so rare that he could only be obtain through smuggling. Steve races to intercept a cargo being unloaded from a ship known for smuggling. Captain America tears into the dockworkers like a Wal-Mart shopper on Boxing Day.

 Cap easily renders them all unconscious but what he doesn’t do is find out if these weren’t just average Joes just working the docks and reacting logically to seeing some idiot in a red, white and blue costume smashing up the place. I sense that there will be several civil suits against Captain America in the near future.

 Rogers decides to track the shipment and follows it to the sleepy town of Bellevelle where he uses the cover of “Wandering Artist” to investigate. Local thugs try and scare him off but ole Steve doesn’t give up that easily, he takes his cat over to the local veterinarian and finds a large crowd lined up out front. It’s there he meets Helen Moore (Katherine Justice) and her son Peter Moore (John Waldron) and where Rogers asks if the kid could show him around the local trails. The mom says they are too busy running a farm which is not the reaction most mothers would probably have to some strange dude asking to go off in the woods with her son. Lucky for us the rest of the film focuses mostly on his creepy stalking of the mom and not the kid.

"No wait, I just want to sketch him!"

 His investigation stalls out because the townsfolk all clam up while he’s around, but he does find out from Dr. Mills that Miguel has contacted the White House and is demanding one billion dollars or he’ll release the rapid aging formula over a major American city. He claims all within its range will age 38 days per hour, and he also provided a cougar cub dosed with the formula to prove it works.

“Who’s the cute kitty?  Oh you’re the cute kitty.”

 The local toughs take another run at Steve but once again as these are just normal yahoos, with no real chance against a super soldier,  he is able to beat the ever living crap out of them with little to no effort.

 The local toughs take another run at Steve but once again as these are just normal yahoos, with no real chance against a super soldier,  he is able to beat the ever living crap out of them with little to no effort.

  “Time for a little assault and battery.”

This lands him in jail but he uses his super strength to bend the window bars in his cell and escape as Captain America. Miguel’s goons’ chase him across a dam where Caps only option is to drive off it into the raging waters below.

“I didn’t kill my wife!”

  With Captain America out of the way and the government refusing to deal with terrorists Miguel is forced to carry out his threat and proceeds with his plan by sky writing the word “Smile” with the rapid aging formula over the city of Portland. His henchwoman then goes on the radio to inform the citizens that they are all going to die of old age rather soon than they expected, unless the government ponies up the money for the cure.  “So call your local congressman!”

Rogers of course has survived crashing down a two hundred foot dam and retreats to the farm belonging to Helen Moore and her son. It’s there that he finds out the whole town has been blackmailed to keep quiet about what is going on, that they have all been dosed with the rapid aging drug but are getting a daily treatment at the veterinarian’s clinic that will temporarily halt the aging as long as the co-operate. With the aid of young Peter and some old fashion sleuthing they figure out that Miguel is hiding out at the nearby penitentiary. Captain America races to action!

 Miguel orders that the biggest dogs in the prison be given a triple dose of the aging formula and sick them on Captain America. Now at no point in this movie has it been established that this formula does anything else but age you faster, nothing about increased aggression or strength is ever mentioned. So Miguel’s plan should pit Captain America against dogs dying of old age. What a challenge!

The wagging tails add that extra dash of menace.

 Miguel escapes out the East Gate with the antidote and Captain America gives chase in the most awesome way possible, in his Super-Bike that transforms into a hang glider.

 After an exciting hang glider vs guy in station wagon chase that reaches speeds of up to 55 mph Cap lands and tracks Miguel into the woods. “Too late General; I have your exact position now. You’re 20yrds north and 30yrds west of me.” Captain America informs Miguel because apparently Cap has some kind of Super-GPS power as well enhanced strength and reflexes.

 Cap tries that ole throw shield passed the villains so it circles back and hits them from behind, but it fails as Miguel easily ducks it.

 “You didn’t expect to fool an old jungle fighter with a boomerang trick like that, did you?” Miguel laughs. The General then throws out that old chestnut that in “Any other circumstance we might have been friends.” Yes, Captain America and a world renowned terrorist have so much in common; if it wasn’t for the killing of hundreds of innocent people, they definitely would have hung out and gone to ball games together.Miguel tries to shoot Cap but that pesky shield gets in the way so he goes to plan “B” tosses a bottle of the rapid aging formula at him. Cap throws his mighty shield, breaking the bottle, causing its contents to splash all over Miguel who proceeds to age very, very rapidly.

 This then gives us Captain America wrestling with a decrepit old man. Another awesome challenge for our hero!

Cap shrugs him off and then watches in horror as General Miguel dies of old age right in front of him.

To the films credit the aging make-up is really good.

 Simon and Steve outfit a helicopter with a crop dusting sprayer and dose the city of Portland with the cure, but more importantly Steve returns to the town of Belleville to hook up with Peter and his mom.

Totally not creepy.

 This was CBS’s last attempt at getting a Captain America series off the ground and anyone can clearly see why it failed.  The heroics vary between bland and boring, the plots were poorly constructed, and Reb Brown was just terrible as the titular hero.  Even adding such great actors as Christopher Lee couldn’t help.