Captain Americaa (1979)

Captain America was created by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby as an answer to Adolph Hitler but who then grew out of his WWII origins to team-up with modern heroes and to eventually end up leading The Avengers. Captain America is the heroic icon of honor and perseverance. Steve Rogers does not give up whether he’s fighting Nazis or sentient robots, but do you know who else also doesn’t give up? Hollywood.   And because of that sticktoitiveness we have had Cap showing up in various incarnations over the years.  In 1944 they gave us a Captain America serial and though limited by a low budget it was the Cap from the comics. Flash forward to 1979, once again television gets its grubby hands on the old Red, White and Blue and it’s a whole other story.

In 1978 CBS had a hit with The Incredible Hulk starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno, so it’s not surprising that they’d try and see if lightning would strike twice, it didn’t. Now The Incredible Hulk series pretty much abandoned all elements from the comic book character aside from “Scientist turns green and large when angry” and grafted that element to basically a rip-off of The Fugitive. This worked mostly because of Bill Bixby’s charm and kids everywhere loving to see a green Lou Ferrigno bashing through walls. Now a year later CBS gave us a Steve Rogers/Captain America that is just as divorced from its comic book origins but in this case it fails miserably. Let’s see why.

"Just me and my sweet, sweet ride."

Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) is a former Marine who has left the military to drive around in his van in the hopes of turning into Jack Kerouac. Gone is the physically weak man with the heart of a lion who is willing to be transformed into a Super Soldier so that he could fight evil. This Steve Rogers just wants to hang around at the beach sketching young children.

So this isn't totally creepy, right?

 When Dr. Simon Mills (Len Birman) tells Steve that his father developed a special serum called F.L.A.G. (Full Latent Ability Gain) that would enhance a person’s strength and reflexes, poor Steve is barely interested. Sadly it turns out that Steve’s dad used his own genetic make-up as part of the formula so that if anyone else used F.L.A.G. it would eventually kill them, but as a son he carries the same genes so it’s possible that it could work on him. Steve wants no part of this because it doesn’t involve his van, sketching or just hanging out at the beach.

Endless summer.

 A friend of Steve’s father calls for help but Steve is too late and thus he finds himself investigating the murder of this scientist/friend who may have been selling state secrets. Evil villain Lou Brackett (Steve Forrest) finds out about Steve’s involvement and wonders if he may have heard the dying man’s last words as to where a missing microfilm might be, he is also worried that Rogers may eventually be given F.L.A.G. and become a threat to his evil plans.  In one of their attempts to get Rogers, our poor “hero” is sent flying off a cliff.

Safety Tip: Do not make motorcycles out of explosives.

 Steve is fatally wounded and is dying on the operating table when Dr. Simon Mills steps in and administers the F.L.A.G. serum to save his life. This does in fact save his life and of course this pisses Steve Rogers off for some bizarre reason.

"We can rebuild him, stronger, faster, beefier than before."

 He refuses to be tested to see if he’s gained the benefits of the serum because he doesn’t want to know if it’s worked or not. “I’m not unconscious now, the choice is mine. I don’t choose to play.” Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately the villains of this piece didn’t get the memo that Steve can’t come out and play and they try and capture him again. With his enhanced strength he makes quick work of the thugs.

Time for Rocky Balboa work-out

 Later Dr. Mills explains to Steve that his father wasn’t just a scientist but that he fought crime and corruption in high places and that his enemies mockingly called him “Captain America.” So Rogers finally agrees to help and become a secret government agent. He gives Dr. Mills a sketch “For your scrapbook.”

 Steve Rogers shows up at a top secret testing ground to find out that Dr. Mills has tricked out Steve’s van so that it now includes a hidden compartment that conceals a super-bike that can be launched out the back via a turbo boost. Steve has fun time driving his awesome Captain America bike down some dirt trails and over an Evel Knievel ramp when suddenly a helicopter loaded with bad guys show up.

"Viva Knievel!"

 Once again these thugs are taken out with a minimum of effort and action.  But while all this was going on Steve Brackett kidnapped two of Steve’s female friends, found the missing microfilm, completed his neutron bomb and now plans to blow up a major US city. With the use of super hearing (borrowed sound effects from the Bionic Woman), Rogers discovers that the bomb is at Brackett’s oil refinery and so at the one hour twelve minute mark of our ninety-seven minute movie we finally see Steve Rogers suit up as Captain America.  To say it was not worth the wait is a gross understatement.

 Before Captain America can go after the truck and the bomb he must rescue the two damsels in distress which involves him throwing his shitty Plexiglas shield that also serves as his bike’s windscreen, and spraying oil all over the ground to make the security guards slip and slide.

 Not really the action pack scene one hopes to see when viewing a Captain America movie. He does manage to save the women but the bomb has been moved out via truck to the Phoenix Interfacial Gold Depository where, because it’s a neutron bomb, it will only kill the people and leave the gold unharmed.

This film contains more than one type of bomb.

 Steve and his bike get a lift via helicopter so they can track down the evil truck, but they have to be careful because Brackett has rigged the bomb’s trigger to his heart, if his heart stops the bomb goes off. So of course the only solution is to get aboard the truck and bend its exhaust pipe so that the truck’s exhaust floods the cargo area.

 Yes, in this movie Captain America takes out the villain with carbon monoxide poisoning. He then has to quickly perform CPR on Brackett to prevent the bomb from going off. So for those of you that wanted a version of Captain America where he was forced to become a hero and then asphyxiates the villain to save the day, well then this is the film for you.

"Is Megaforce hiring?"

Godzilla (2014)

Since Gojira in 1954, there have been many Godzilla films. Ranging from the dramatic and terrifying allegory of nuclear destruction, showcased in the original, to the out and out goofiness; with such installments as Godzilla vs Hedorah, where silliness sat right alongside an ecological message, or with the likes of Godzilla vs Gigan, where the world was in peril from not just environment problems but alien invaders as well. Godzilla would zigzag between world destroyer to world savior, often within the same movie. He is a most complicated beastie. It’s been ten years since the big G had his last outing but now once again buildings quake at his approach and crowds flee in terror. So how does this latest incarnation stack up against the decades of previous incarnations, you ask?  Well it’s…okay.

"Roarrgh!"

 This is another reboot of the series, which is nothing new to Godzilla as he’s been rebooted more times than any other character in cinema, and this outing starts with the standard mystery about “strange goings on” with the usual conspiracy theories and cover-ups.  The film begins with the focus on nuclear power plant physicist Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston in thankless role) who loses his wife during a disaster at his plant. He’s sure that it wasn’t an accident but that some-thing is responsible.

 Jump a head fifteen years and Brody is trying to convince his now grown son that he’s not crazy. Of course he’s not crazy and sure enough the shit hits the fan and a monsters starts rampaging across the land. Thing is it’s not Godzilla but something the military are calling a M.U.T.O. and according to scientist Dr. Serizawa (Ken Watanabe) Godzilla is the only thing that can stop it.

Sorry folks, this ain't Rodan.

 The director is Gareth Edwards, who made the excellent film Monsters which dealt with how people would handle living in a world of giant monsters, this focus was because he didn’t have the budget for huge monster destruction scenes and it worked, but now he’s been given keys to the candy store and is able to give us a much as he wants, and he does provide a lot more destruction. Sadly much of it is fairly hollow as we have no characters to care for.

 The main failure this film has is in its “hero” Ford Brody (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) who is so bland and ineffectual that one longs for something large to squash him, but sadly his only real trait is his ability to not die. And he “not dies” quite a bit. It seems to me his sole purpose in the film was to be almost killed by something, over and over again. He hardly has any impact on the story, but then again not many of the human players do, they try to figure out what’s going on, scramble around for a bit, attempt to stop the monsters, and then fail.

"I'm going to find Godzilla, and Kick-Ass."

 The original Gojira dealt with the tragedy and horror such an attack would have on people, it also gave us leads that were complex and conflicted. Not so in this film. Ken Watanabe’s character tosses out a few platitudes every now and then but they ring pretty hollow.

 This is basically a disaster film that just so happens to have Godzilla in it. We get scenes of awesome destruction while two dimensional stock characters react to them. As I am a sucker for disaster movies I wasn’t to put out by this but some people wanting more monster action may be disappointed. The last act does provide a fantastic showdown between the monsters and should keep any kaijū fan happy.
Notes:
• Godzilla seems to have a stealth mode as he often appears suddenly without any advance warning.
• Not sure what the point of rooftop snipers are in a fight against giant monsters.
• The M.U.T.O. do resemble the Cloverfield monster to a great degree.
• Lesson to be learned by all Godzilla films; don’t work at a power plant.

I, Frankenstein

There have been several incarnations of Mary Shelley’s famous monster over the years from James Whale to Kenneth Branagh, and being that in the last ten years there has been decent money made off of re-inventing the classic monsters it’s no surprise that the producers of the Underworld series would have a go at Shelley’s creation as well.

The movie starts out ballsy enough with a narrative recap of the original story that lasts a whole two minutes. Talk about concise. We are told Dr. Frankenstein resurrected a corpse with ‘science’, then abandoned his creation which resulted in a nasty feud between the two that ended with the death of Victor Frankenstein and his bride. Just as Frankenstein’s monster buries his creator he is set upon by a group of Demons that are working for a Demon prince named Naberius (Bill Nighy) who want the creature for some nefarious purpose.

"I'm evilllll!"

Lucky for The Monster some gargoyles are perched nearby and they come to his rescue. It seems that there is a secret war going on (Is it just me or does it seem like there are a lot of secret wars out there?) between Demons and Gargoyles. The Demons are the legions that escaped the fall of Lucifer and ended up on Earth while the Gargoyles are descendants of the Archangel Michael and are on Earth to defend humanity.

 The Gargoyles switch between crappy CGI stoned warriors to generic gothic fighters while the Demons look human until the go all flamey face. Neither one all that impressive.  Leonore (Miranda Otto) Queen of the Gargoyles wants the Monster, who she names Adam (Aaron Eckhart), to join them in this war but he is still pissed at being created and not getting the girlfriend Victor promised, so instead he decides to wander the wilderness for a couple of centuries. When he finally gets bored of camping he enters the modern world to hunt for Naberius.Underworld movies countless times and even though they fail to make a lick of sense I still enjoy them. Where this film fails is in giving us a bunch of characters we couldn’t care less about. Aaron Eckhart is sorely miscast as Adam the Monster; he is a good actor but does not have the physical presence to carry off the part.

I gleefully bought into the ridiculous mythology because I’m a sucker for that goofy shit. I’ve watched the

"Has anyone seen my shirt?"

 There is a human scientist played by Yvonne Stragovski and is, I guess, supposed to be a possible love interest if the series continued, but she is as bland as dry white toast.

 Jai Courtney of  A Good Day to Die Hard fame is a Gargoyle warrior that wants Adam dead but is so boring and one note that you keep forgetting he exists whenever he’s not on screen. But then there’s Bill Nighy who is great even when he’s phoning it in, and I always enjoy watching him. So we will give him a pass.

"Has my check cleared yet?"

 As mentioned the movie is from the creators of the Underworld films and you can really tell as it borrows heavily from that series, it also has taken major plot points from Van Helsing as Naberius wants to awaken an army using Frankenstein’s mad science just as Dracula wanted to do in Van Helsing.  So it certainly gets no points for originality. That the film is only 92 minutes long is its strongest saving grace as the ridiculous plot and two dimensional characters are not around long enough to become grating.

Not a terrible film but not that good either. All said and done I wish someone had decided to make a live action version of the Gargoyles cartoon instead.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Marc Webb brings us his second installment in his Spider-Man saga and for me it landed with a big thud, a one hundred and forty-two minute long thud. This time out Spider-Man tries to give us more banter and quips than what we got in the Sam Raimi films, and we do get more, they just aren’t all that funny. I actually found most of the humor in this film to be drawing from the Superman III school of comedy with lame physical shtick that was old when I love Lucy original aired.

The last film ended [Spoilers] with Peter (Andrew Garfield) swearing to Captain Stacey that he wouldn’t date Gwen (Emma Stone) so that her life wouldn’t be endangered by the craziness that is life with Spidey, but then he quickly realized that Captain Stacey was dead so “Fuck him.” Now our story today begins with the two dating, but Peter is being haunted by the ghost of Dennis Leary so he rethinks his original idea about honoring a dead guy and breaking it off with Gwen…again. *sigh* I don’t think there is anything more tiring than the “Will they, won’t they?” bit we are constantly saddled with in romantic comedies and sitcoms. Sometimes it’s the entire premise of a show, and fine if that’s what your shows is about then by all means have at it, but if your story is about a wall crawling super-hero I find this to be the least interesting thing you can do, and if you have to do it please limit the screen time. Maybe if your characters were more interesting a romantic subplot could have worked, but I found almost everyone in this movie to be bland and boring.  And would someone please tell Hollywood screen writers that woman don’t actually find an ex-boyfriend stalking them to be adorable.

 Let’s talk villains. Max Dillon (Jamie Fox) is basically playing Selina Kyle/Catwoman from Tim Burton’s Batman Returns. He is a nebbish loser who works for the villain and is constantly abused and tread upon until one day an accident gives him super powers, but instead of cats swarming around him it’s a tank full of electric eels. Another thing that bothered me was that Max goes from Spidey super-fan to Electro “Die Spider-Man!” in a matter of seconds with no motivation other than he’s nuts. I guess we’re supposed to feel sorry for this guy because he has no friends, but once again I really couldn’t get invested in the charcter. And as for his look…well let’s just say if he was sued by Doctor Manhattan I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

 Harry Osborn (Dane DeHann) is treated even worse by this screenplay. Harry in the comic books was Peter’s best friend in high school, and in this movie we are told that this was the case, but right out of the gate Dehann’s Harry is downright creepy and villainous, we never get to see the “good side” of Harry. Being told in clunky expository dialogue that people have history is poor screenwriting, if we are supposed to care what happens between two people we need some kind of actual groundwork laid for that. And, as with the character shift with Electro, it seemed really rushed. Harry goes from inheriting a billion dollar company to being betrayed, being ousted from his own company, and turned murderous psycho in record time. The filmmakers have a lot of plot and characters to juggle so they don’t have time to slow down and develop them. Also the design of the Green Goblin is just terrible; it’s a cross between Feyd’ratha in David Lynch’s Dune and a leprous pirate ghost.

 The Rhino (Paul Giamatti) is a glorified cameo, and with a movie that already contains Electro and the Green Goblin this is pretty much how it had to be handled so no points lost for that. That said the robot rhino suit looked ridiculous and the people on the design team should go back to working on Power Rangers.  (Note:  Spidey’s costume is a marked improvement from the last film)

 There was an element in the movie that really worked, any time Spider-Man is swinging through the city or bouncing around in combat it is pure cinema gold. It’s also the only parts of the film were the 3D effects show off. Sadly whenever Andrew Garfield opens his mouth to talk I want someone to stick a sock in it. In Marc Webb’s first Spider-Man movie my biggest problem was that Peter Parker was a bit of a douche, well he amps that up to eleven for this sequel. Peter Parker was the one superhero I could relate to when I was a kid and to see him turned into a tool is depressing. Poor characters, awful pacing and terrible character designs have this film giving Spider-Man 3 a run for its money as the worst Spidey.

The Spectacular Spider-Man

There have been many adaptations  of everyone’s favorite web-head, when I was a kid it was the 1967 Spider-Man series that had a couple season produced by Ralph Bakshi, and it still has one of the best theme songs that asked, “Can he swing from a thread?  Take a look overhead.”  Then the 70s gave us a live action series starring Nicholas Hammond but sadly the effects of the time and the  fairly low budget pretty much made this an impossible venture. After that several more animated attempts, some better than others.  Then enter Greg Weisman and Victor Cook who together developed I believe to be the most faithful adaptation to date.

Now I’m not saying this show was slavishly accurate to how the stories were depicted in the comics but these two managed to capture the pure joy of Spider-Man.  Sure Peter Parker (Josh Keaton) has his teen-age angst filled moments but when he puts on that costume to swing through the canyons of New York he explodes with the fun and excitement that one would hope to have if they were given the proportionate powers of a spider.

One can’t expect any producer to stick to the canon of a comic book character that has run several decades, in various titles, with countless changes to characters and origins.  So in 2008 The Spectacular Spider-Man aired with a slew of recognizable characters but with some nice tweeks to their origin to make them fit into this animated world.  Gwen Stacey (Lacey Chabert) is one of Pete’s best friends but who would really like to be more than that, Harry Osborn (James Arnold Taylor) is Peter’s other close friend and in a nod to the comics has a drug problem, but this time out it’s an Oscorp performance enhancing drug that turns him into the Green Goblin.

 Of course Venom, a fan favorite, has to make an appearance but now he’s not a disgraced journalist that wishes Peter harm, now Eddie Brock (Ben Diskin) is an almost older brother figure to Peter but who feels betrayed when Peter’s Spider-Man action cause problems for the people around him. 

Two other key villains in the series is of course Norman Osborn (Alan Rachins) who is secretly supplying the criminal underworld with Oscorp tech to create super villains such as the Sandman and Rhino.  The other major player is known as “The Big Man” who uses these created super villains to keep Spider-Man busy and away from his criminal enterprises.  The reveal as to whom “The Big Man” is for me the only disappointing element in the entire run of the series, and I’m betting it is a rights issue.  For any fan of the comic knows that a large shadowy figure that runs a criminal empire while keeping an honest business façade is Wilson Fisk aka The Kingpin, as Fox owns the rights to Daredevil and through him Kingpin, I’m guessing that’s why he doesn’t appear in this Sony series.  Who did they chose to replace him? *No Spoilers here go and watch it yourself* let’s just say he would really have a hard time pulling of the nice philanthropist act.

That this show got cancelled after just two seasons is a crime and that The Avengers: Earth Mightiest Heroes, my other favorite super-hero cartoon also got cancelled after two seasons I’m crying, “Conspiracy!”

So for those who loved it and for those that missed it during its original run, the complete series is now available on Blu-ray, and it simply looks gorgeous.

"Face it Tiger, you hit the jackpot."

                                            

Superfriends: The Power Pirate

Superfriends: The Power Pirate

In 1973 kids everywhere were overjoyed that their favorite superheroes were coming to Saturday morning cartoons, produced by the giants of televised animation Hanna-Barbera comic fans were finally able to see the likes of Batman and Superman battling the forces of evil…well to be honest they mainly inconvenienced the forces of evil and by evil I mean inept villains who should really concentrate on crimes along the lines of taking candy from babies, and it would be best if said babies were asleep.  The first season of Superfriends the DC heroes weren’t battling Lex Luthor or Sinestro but mainly villains that had some dangerous goal that the Justice League could somehow talk them down from.   Due to Standards and Practices at the time violence on television, particularly kid’s shows, was heavily monitored and things like people punching each other was not allowed.  As one must realize this kind of hampers characters like Batman who tend to rely on actually fighting his enemies.  To make the show more kid friendly three non-superhero characters were added; Marvin, Wendy and Wonder Dog.  This was a clear case of trying to bring in fans of the Scooby Gang.

 The first episode entitled The Power Pirate begins with an older gentleman skiing while, unknown to him, he is being followed by a UFO, he hits a rock and takes a nasty spill.  He asks help from a stranger who approaches him but that the stranger is a pointy-eared alien doesn’t seem to faze him at all is the real mystery here.  The alien then proceeds to zap him with a ray from a pendant hanging from his neck.

 Cut to Superman arm-wrestling with an opponent who we can’t see.  He calls for the rest of the Justice League to come to his aid.  Aquaman votes to not get involved because the combined mite of the JLA may not be able to handle Superman’s fantastic adversary (Aquaman showing his true colors right out of the gate).  Of course this is just the set-up for the lame reveal Superman is getting beaten by Marvin the teen-age idiot.The group finally decide to aid Superman and thus causes Marvin to make a break for it and he hovers in the air out of reach of the Superfriends.  It is never explained how this is possible, because even though Marvin is wearing a cape it is established throughout the series that he and Wendy are just two average teens.

  Suddenly the TroubAlert goes off and the team is informed of the latest danger.  The UFO from earlier is draining the power from a locomotive as it tries to climb a hill, it loses power and starts to roll back to where it will crash with a passenger train.  “I’ll get this one, friends.  Stopping trains is my speciality.” Superman responds and flies of to save the day.

Trivia Note: The train is trying to climb Donner Pass when it runs into trouble and must be saved by Superman, a few years later Richard Donner will make the best Superman movie to date.

The TroubAlert goes off again notifying the Superfriends that the ocean liner Queen Victoria is in danger as she has lost all power and is in rough seas.  This looks like a job for Aquaman. *snicker*  Batman offers to give Aquaman a ride to the coast in his Batmobile but Wonder Woman suggests that her “transparent plane”  would be faster.  Aquaman may be guardian of the world’s oceans that make up three quarters of the Earth’s surface but he still has to catch a ride to get there.  *sigh*

Super Power Note:  Wonder Woman’s transparent plane is thought powered.  Aquaman comments, “I still marvel at your transparent plane Wonder Woman, a robot plane that you fly by using your brain waves.”

 Aquaman dives out of Wonder Woman’s plane and fails almost immediately.  While swimming towards the Queen Victoria he is seized by a “renegade giant anemone.”  So the king of the sea then has to send out an urgent call to all octopi in the area.  After they rescue Aquaman enlists their help in saving the ship.  He also calls on a great whale because there is no problem that Aquaman cannot solve by calling a whale.  I’m pretty sure he calls them when he runs out of toilet paper or can’t find the TV remote.   It seems a “Power Pirate” has been victimizing British ships and he’d like the help of the Justice League.  Robin brings up that Superman just dealt with a train that lost its power Sir Cedric Cedric rules that out as probably a coincidence.

After saving the Queen Victoria the Superfriends are approached by Sir Cedric Cedric, Special Inspector, Scotland Yard.

Just as Batman begins to wonder if someone is trying to steal power the TroubAlert informs them that a dam has lost power and cannot close its flood gates.

         Superman gives Batman and Robin a lift.  Aquaman tags along because, why not.

Wonder Woman makes a temporary earthen dam that buys them time to split up and seal the three floodgates.   Wonder Woman fails but Superman and Aquaman close the gates while Batman saves Wonder Woman.

Back at the Hall of Justice the gang has come to the conclusion that a “Power Pirate” is responsible and is trying to create and energy shortage.  Batman declares that “We must drop our defense posture and take on a preventive one.”  No one bothers to tell Batman that those are one and the same.  Going on the offense is something the Superfriends just can’t do as that could lead to punching.

Upon seeing a UFO hovering over a power plant Wendy observes, “Hmm, that’s pretty far out.” Marvin asks what is “far out” Wendy says “Uh, oh nothing, Marvin.  Something puzzled me for a moment but I guess it’s not important.”  So while investigating a mysterious force that is somehow draining power Wendy doesn’t think a UFO is important.  She needs to go sit in the corner with Aquaman.

Wendy eventually earns some points by figuring out Sir Cedric Cedric might not be on the up and up and Batman confirms this with the use of the Bat Computer that a UFO has been seen at every instance of a power theft, but when checks the “Good Guys International File” to see if there is Sir Cedric Cedric of Scotland Yard.  Turns out there is.  “Holy wipeouts, Batman!”  But what’s this the computer then states that Sir Cedric Cedric is a patient at Central Valley Hospital in Ski Valley!

Super Power Note:  Batman is the world’s greatest detective but in the Superfriends he is relegated to being the guy in charge of turning on the Bat Computer.

Standard reversed Bat Symbol that plagues the series.

So the big twist at the end is that the aliens impersonated Sir Cedric Cedric to help cover-up their power stealing shenagins.   The ray the alien used on Sir Cedric Cedric scanned his mind so they could do a proper impersonation.  His newly created twin then carried Sir Cedric Cedric to the local hospital where Cedric then chocked the whole thing up to delirium due to the accident thus never mentioning the UFO incident to anyone.

 The gang race to the grand opening a nuclear reactor knowing that it is too good a target for the fake Sir Cedric Cedric to pass up and Wonder Woman wraps things up nicely. 

The alien reveals himself to be, “Anthro from the planet of Traum in a far distant galaxy.”  He was stealing Earth’s energies because his own people failed to heed the warnings of their conservationists and used up the energy resources of their planet.  Without the stolen energy his planet is doomed.  Superman comes up with a the solution by using his super powers to polish the surface moon of Traum to be as smooth as glass so that it becomes a reflective solar power plant.

There is the key problem with the first season of Superfriends; most of the villains turn out to be just misguided individuals who just need help.  All this is of course to make it easier for our heroes to avoid having to get physical with their opponents, and a nice way to throw in a preachy life lesson for the kiddies.

Who is driving?