Once Upon a Spy (1980) – Review

The spy genre has seen many cinematic offerings, with the James Bond franchise being the most popular entry, but many studios and filmmakers have attempted to dip their wick into this money-making field, sadly, most of these have had lesser degrees of success, which brings us to ABC’s Once Upon a Spy, a made-for-television starring everyone’s favourite bartender Ted Danson.

The ad for this made-for-television movie stated “Attention James Bond Fans! This is your kind of movie!” which, if not the worst case of false advertising, it definitely stretches the bounds of reality quite a bit. The plot of Once Upon a Spy kicks off when NASA’s gigantic satellite-tracking mega-computer called the X-2. Somehow stolen computer leads to government computer genius Jack Chenault (Ted Danson) being brought in by sexy super agent Paige Tannehill (Mary Louise Weller) to meet with their boss “The Lady” (Eleanor Parker) who tasks him with investigating the disappearance of the computer as he is familiar with the work of its designer Dr. Webster (Leonard Stone). Chenault makes it clear that he isn’t a spy and detests the very idea of fieldwork – playing chess with his computer is his only real passion – but when Webster and his daughter are kidnapped right, before his eyes, things get a little more complicated.

 

Has anyone checked on the whereabouts of Blofeld?

But who is behind these nefarious crimes? Chenault deduces that a computer weighing in at about three thousand tons isn’t something you can walk away with – which is a fair point – and that the man behind this is most likely world-renowned scientist Marcus Valorium (Christopher Lee), a man who once worked on a cosmic ray-powered molecular condenser. A giant shrink ray, if you will. Logically, this means Valorium has stolen the computer and he has some kind of world-domination plan in the works. After a brief and volatile meeting between Chenault and Valorium – Valorium still bears a grudge against Chenault for winning a scientific award they were both nominated for 12 years earlier – the two begin a game of chess with the fate of the world at stake.

 

Holmes and Moriarty this is not.

What exactly is Valorium’s plan, you ask? Well, it seems that with his cosmic-powered shrink ray he plans to shrink dams and nuclear power plants to create a world of chaos. With a classic villain monologue he tells Chenault that in twelve minutes “The United States of America will begin a bright new day in their history. Chaos will replace incompetence and order will replace chaos. There will be an end to near wars and decadence and apathy caused by a foolish faith in democracy. An end of governmental confusion and bureaucratic bloat caused by the destructive notion of freedom and expression. The gifted few governed by the masses, untidy Chenault, very untidy. This country could be a great nation, but not anymore.” I will admit that is a very stirring speech, the fact that it doesn’t explain much of his plot doesn’t even matter as Christopher Lee can make anything sound good, unfortunately, hubris will result in him not double-checking co-ordinates and having both him and his facility shrunk getting shrunk instead.

 

Is this hubris or just sleeping on the job?

Stray Observations:

• The opening title sequence was a nice homage to the work of Saul Bass, the master behind the great Bond title sequences.
• Casting Christopher Lee as a villain in a spy movie was a little on the nose as he’d already played one in the Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun.
• The “clandestine” entrance to this super-secret intelligence agency is in The Tunnel of Love located at a fully operational amusement park. This is pretty dumb, even Scooby-Doo villains know it’s best to use an abandoned amusement park.
• Valorium kidnaps physicist Dr. Webster by having a helicopter fly over Webster’s car and snatch it with an electromagnet which is a complete lift from You Only Live Twice.
• Dr. Webster is kidnapped two days after his computer is stolen, but wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to be abducted at the same time as the computer theft?
• Chenault makes it clear to his boss that he is simply a computer nerd and wants nothing to do with fieldwork, but then he sets up a meeting with the villain and goes alone. This kind of blows the whole “reluctant hero” schtick.
• Chenault triangulates the location of Valorium’s base to within a twenty-mile radius but The Lady dismisses the abandoned observatory as a possible target, despite it being the only structure in the area, because we can’t end the movie with a simple airstrike.
• Valorium drops Paige Tannehill into “The Maze” so that she can participate in his version of The Most Dangerous Game. Why he built an elaborate maze under his headquarters will remain a mystery.

 

Why is she on the set of Space 1999?

Directed by Ivan Nagy, Once Upon a Spy isn’t so much a spoof of the spy genre – which had already been done beautifully by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry with Get Smart – this was a back-door pilot that was more in keeping with other contemporary shows of the time, ones that used the tried and true formula of 1980s television by pairing a novice with a professional for comedic effect, found in such shows as Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Moonlighting and The Greatest American Hero. Unfortunately, not only was the script both bland and contrived but Ted Danson and Mary Lousie Heller had absolutely no chemistry, which is a death knell for this kind of show.

 

“Due to that shrink ray, my penis is now only this big.”

The film’s plot is riddled with clichés and predictable twists, offering little in the way of originality or excitement and even as a movie from the 80s the humour feels dated and stale, relying on tired jokes and slapstick comedy that elicit more groans than laughs. Even the action sequences are uninspired, lacking the tension and thrill expected from a spy film. Composer John Cacavas does his best to create a John Barry-type Bond score but his work is constantly undercut by the film’s bland visuals and lethargic editing. Nagy’s direction does little to elevate the material, as the pacing is uneven and the tone inconsistent. The film struggles to find its footing, veering awkwardly between comedy and espionage without ever fully committing to either. As a result, Once Upon a Spy feels disjointed and directionless, leaving viewers wondering what the filmmakers were aiming for.  Simply put, Ted Danson vs Christopher Lee should have been a lot more fun than this.

 

There isn’t much love to be found here.

Danson’s portrayal of computer geek Jack Chenault is also disappointing, lacking the charisma and comedic timing that he’s know known for. His attempts at humour feel forced and clichéd, failing to evoke even a chuckle. In retrospect, we know that Danson is capable of much more, but his talents were wasted on this forgettable role and we can be thankful that this thing didn’t get picked up for a series. On the plus side, Christopher Lee is great at elevating even the least entertaining scripts – check out his performances in Captain America II: Death Too Soon and Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf – as he is a perfect example of man who has never simply phoned it in.

 

He may have phoned his agent to have a word or two.

Overall, Once Upon a Spy is nothing more than another failed and forgettable pilot, one that not only had little understanding of the genre they were trying to exploit but for got the key element of making a comedy, which is making it funny.  This is an entry in Ted Danson’s filmography that I bet he hopes no one remembers, but if you are a fan of Christopher Lee there will be some fun to be had with this outing.