The Dirt Bike Kid (1985) – Review

From Disney’s Herbie the Love Bug to John Carpenter’s adaptation of Stephen King’s Christine,vehicles with “minds of their” own have been a staple of Hollywood films – comedy or horror it doesn’t matter – but in 1985 we were treated to a movie that was inspired by the classic fairy tale Jack and the Beanstalk which featured child star Peter Billingsley.

Directed by Hoite C. Caston, this film tells the story of a dirt bike-obsessed boy named Jack Simmons (Peter Billingsley) who when his widowed mother (Anne Bloom) gives him money to buy groceries, but instead of doing what he’s told, the little shit uses the money to buy a Yamaha YZ-80 two-stroke racing motorcycle from local bully Max (Gavin Allen), only to discover that it is a magical sentient dirt bike that can do incredible things. Basically, what we have here is the typical kid wish-fulfillment story, one that you’d have found in many of the Disney films throughout the 1970s, in fact, this entry even has an evil banker as the antagonist which was almost a requirement for these types of films.  In this movie, the villainous banker is slimy Mr. Hodgkins (Stuart Pankin) who is trying to demolish local restaurant called The Doghouse, which is owned by Jack’s little league coach Mike (Patrick Collins), all because Hodgkins wants to build his new super bank on that location.

Legal Note: This movie takes place in Texas and foreclosures in Texas cannot begin until after the loan payment is delinquent for 120 days, and then it’s another six months to complete the foreclosure process, but in this movie, not only is this accelerated we don’t even know if Mike actually missed a payment, yet somehow the bank’s computer just “selected” his restaurant for foreclosure.

What The Dirt Bike Kid has going for it is its nostalgia factor as the special effects to bring the bike to life were certainly not going to win any awards and certainly not going to win over modern viewers, so one’s enjoyment will rely heavily on whether or not you saw this film when you were a kid, because through adult eyes you may find Jack to be more of an obnoxious little prick, one who deserves a spanking rather than a magical bike that can fight off a biker gang and fly across the cityscape. I also don’t think younger audiences today will give a crap about the budding romance between Mike and Hodgkin’s long-suffering assistant Mazie Clavell (Sage Parker), what they’d want to see is more magic bike action which, sadly, there really isn’t much to be found in this movie and what we do get is terribly realized.

 

Ralphie versus Killdozer.

Stray Observations:

• The glasses that Billingsley wears in this film are the same ones he wore as Ralphie in A Christmas Story, too bad they didn’t try and use this movie to create a Ralphie Cinematic Universe.
• Instead of being obsessed with a Red Ryder BB Gun this time out it’s dirt bike, so it’s nice to see that Peter Billingsley’s fixations are progressing nicely.
• When Jack is approached by some old dude at the motocross race and is told “That bike is special,” all I could think of was “Stranger Danger!”
• As to be expected, anytime we see the bike do any kind of stunt driving, or any real kind of riding for that matter, Jack increases his body mass to adult stuntman size.
• As was the case of the beans in Jack and the Beanstalk the dirt bike is magical, unfortunately, it doesn’t take him anywhere as interesting as a castle in the clouds and he never encounters a giant.
• The dirt bike is handcuffed, arrested and put in a jail cell, with a $100 bail bond set, and I must say, Texas laws are damn strange as it’s usually the driver who is arrested, not his vehicle.
• A crooked businessman’s real estate deal being thwarted by a sentient vehicle is pretty much the plot of Herbie Rides Again, but then again, this movie also makes the villain a sexual predator so that’s a bit different.

 

I like Stuart Pankin but he’s no Keenan Wynn.

All the characters in the film are one-dimensional and fail to elicit much in the way of sympathy or interest from the audience and most kids would find their attention drifting during any of this so-called drama. Jack Simmons, the protagonist, is a bland and forgettable character and his interactions with other characters felt forced and contrived, similarly, the villainous land developer, played by Stuart Pankin, is little more than a caricature of a greedy businessman with no real depth or nuance to his character. His teaming up with a local motorcycle gang is the only really interesting thing he accomplishes.

 

Why not add child murderer to your resume?

The film’s special effects, even for the time, are far from impressive and have not aged well and at most come across as either quaint, if you are being kind, or pretty damn cheesy and outdated if one were being perfectly honest. Scenes featuring the dirt bike in action are particularly underwhelming, with poor green screen effects and unrealistic stunt work. That all said, despite being over 30 years old, it does have some limited appeal, with some humour that could rise a chuckle or two. The story is simple yet effective, with a clear message about the importance of standing up for what you believe in and fighting against injustice. Peter Billingsley did his best to capture the wide-eyed wonder and enthusiasm of a young boy who discovers a new passion but the script does him no favours as he’s often upstaged by his horny best friend Bo (Chad Sheets) or that magical dirt bike.

 

Will good triumph over evil, more importantly, will anyone actually care?

Overall, The Dirt Bike Kid is a modestly entertaining movie that adults looking for a nostalgic trip may enjoy, and while this is no classic tale of good versus evil it does have a healthy dose of humour, and some heart thrown in for good measure. If you’re looking for a fun and adventurous movie to watch with the whole family, The Dirt Bike Kid may be worth checking out, but only if your tolerance for 1980s cheese is fairly high.

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961) – Review

In 1954 Disney Pictures released 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, an adaptation of Jules Verne’s novel and one of the greatest undersea films ever produced, but then a few years later 20th Century Fox took audiences on a different kind of undersea adventure, this time with producer/director Irwin Allen at the helm, a man who not only gave us a fun action-adventure film but a sci-fi entry that led to an excellent television show.

1961’s Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea is classic science fiction from 20th Century Fox that tells the story of the crew of the submarine Seaview, the most advanced submersible ever devised, and their perilous mission to save the world. In this story we meet the submarine’s designer, Admiral Harriman Nelson (Walter Pidgeon), who has to overcome various threats internal and external to save the day, and at his side is Captain Lee Crane (Robert Sterling) the Seaview’s Commanding Officer and these two will butt heads throughout the adventure as tensions mount, much to the consternation of Nelson’s fiercely loyal secretary Lt. Cathy Connors (Barbara Eden), who just so happens to be engaged to Crane, but what exactly is this threat that will strain even the most secure relationship?

“Gosh, the North Pole is certainly having strange weather this time of year.”

Turns out that a meteor shower has pierced the Van Allen radiation belt causing it to catch on fire, resulting in a deadly increase in the global temperature, Nelson’s onboard friend and scientist Commodore Lucius Emery “retired” (Peter Lorre) concurs that it is possible to extinguish the belt with a perfectly timed nuclear missile launch, unfortunately, when they are called before the United Nations to get approval for such a mission things do not go all that well. Scientist Emilio Zucco (Henry Daniell) rejects the Admiral’s plan as being too risky as he believes that the composition of the belt’s gasses will cause the fire to burn itself out when it reaches 173 degrees.  When Nelson’s plan is loudly voted down he and his entourage beat a hasty retreat back to the Seaview so they can go forward with the mission anyway, with the hope of Presidential permission being granted by the time they reach firing position.

Question: Just where is this satellite located so that it can get this view of the Earth?

Getting in contact with the President is far from the only problem that Nelson will encounter as he has two particular “guests” aboard the Seaview that will cause no end of trouble, first, we have Dr. Susan Hiller (Joan Fontaine), who along with Congressman Llewellyn Parker (Howard McNear) and Vice-Admiral B.J. Crawford (John Litel) were aboard to check out this wonder-sub, but Hiller was also brought along to study crew-related stress and much to the chagrin of our heroes she spends most of her time pouring poisoned words into Crane’s ear about Nelson’s mental state and her belief that he is suffering from delusions of grandeur and a persecution complex.  Which I’m guessing is based on her watching Walter Pidgeon in Forbidden Planet, but this doesn’t really matter much as she gets a rather nasty comeuppance.

“I sure hope I don’t fall in a pool and get eaten by a shark.”

The next thorn in Nelson’s paw is Miguel Alvarez (Michael Ansara), a scientist turned religious zealot after his friends were killed by the atmospheric event and believes that this catastrophe is the will of God and that man should not interfere, instead, they should just accept their fate and join all their love ones in the glory of death.  So yeah, Nelson has his hands full and with Crane questioning every order Nelson gives, things get tense rather quickly, and not only do they have to deal with the possible ending of the world but they must also contend with sabotage, mutiny, attempted murder and a field of floating mines.

Note: In the novelization, by science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon, this minefield was placed there by Emilio Zucco’s followers in an attempt to stop the Seaview from reaching firing position, whereas in the movie it’s just bad luck. It’s also revealed in the book that Hiller is in love with Zucco and would be willing to sacrifice her life by following Zucco’s wishes.

The Seaview is mankind’s last best hope in thwarting this natural catastrophe and all the obstacles that are placed in the way all go towards making Irwin Allen’s Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea a fairly good sci-fi thriller, even if some of the science fiction elements are a little dodgy and somewhat laughable at times, and the drama remains solid, especially Michael Ansara’s scientist turned fanatic whose fervent belief in the acceptance of death and God’s will is rather chilling and brings a nice edge of danger to the proceedings.  Less engaging is the character of Captain Lee Crane who comes across as someone auditioning for a college production of The Caine Mutiny, you can only wonder what Barbara Eden’s character sees in this two-dimensional stick in the mud.

I bet he’s the kind of guy who thinks oral sex leads to mutiny.

Stray Observations:

• The opening title song, sung by Frankie Avalon, sounds more like a love ballad than something you’d expect to find kicking off an underwater action-adventure movie.
• It’s great that this movie is progressive enough to have a female crew-member aboard a submarine, that said, having only ONE female among hundreds of male sailors doesn’t seem like a good idea, that she is engaged to the commanding officer is even more inappropriate.
• The Seaview navigates a field of sinking icebergs which is a little confusing as ice is less dense than water, which is why it always floats.
• Admiral Nelson slaps a sick seaman and accuses him of goldbricking, so it’s clear that Nelson follows the “General Patton School of Command” when it comes to dealing with subordinates.
• When fired upon by another submarine Crane wants to launch torpedoes, but Nelson exclaims “We can’t fire on a UN sub!” and I think someone should point out to Nelson that the United Nations does not have its own navy.
• Like the Nautilus in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea we get Seaview being attacked by a giant octopus, substituting for the giant squid from the Verne novel, apparently, these aquatic creatures just hate submarines.

The Seaview has the same ability to electrify its hull as the Nautilus.

In the 70s Irwin Allen would earn the moniker “Master of Disaster” with such offerings as The Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure, but while this movie’s main plot is about a worldwide disaster the story depicted here is more action-adventure centric than that of your standard disaster film, not so much on the effects caused by the Van Allen radiation belt catching fire.  We only get brief newsreel clips of forest fires and desolated farmland and one brief mention of flooding in Europe, and I’m sure that if made ten years later Irwin Allen would have shown title surges caused by the melting polar icecaps that would flood the streets of New York, resulting in scenes reminiscent of George Pal’s When Worlds Collide, sadly, this film is more submarine bound than the genre would normally demand and thus we are “spared” from seeing any of that cool destruction.

Couldn’t Irwin Allen at least spring for a nice matte painting like this?

Shot in CinemaScope, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea looks fantastic and the underwater photography and model work on display are all topnotch, as was the work by cinematographer Winton Hoch who brings a nice sense of realism to this fantastic tale, but at its heart, this an Irwin Allen production – he came up with the story and co-wrote the screenplay with Charles Bennett – and while the disaster element is decidedly off-screen the collection of characters and threats building throughout the film’s 105-minute running time is all stuff that would become standard tropes of the disaster genre. What’s interesting to note is that this film was about a group of people trying to stop the world from cooking after a freak meteor strike on the Van Allen Radiation Belt, while today, the Earth is cooking but the cause isn’t from outer space, instead, it’s us pesky humans, so if a remake is ever pondered I don’t think anything in Seaview’s arsenal would be able to save us from Global Warming.

Viva Knievel! (1977) – Review

Are you ready to witness the king of daredevil stunts?  Are you prepared to witness the one and only Evel Knievel on his greatest adventure? Then buckle up and get ready for Viva Knievel! the 1977 action-packed adventure film that will have you on the edge of your seat, well, at least leaning slightly forward.

Evel Knievel stars as himself in this action-packed tale that is so 70s you’ll be tempted to break out your bell bottoms and platform shoes and disco dance your way through the credits, and if there has ever been a film so egregiously ego-driven than this one I have yet to witness it.  Basically, this film is a vanity project writ large. And just how bad do things get? Well, the movie opens with Evel Knievel sneaking into an orphanage late one night to deliver presents to a group of children, and if you think a man sneaking into a bedroom full of kids is bad it gets worse.  He’s there to bring presents to these poor homeless children, which of course, turns out to be bunch of Evel Knievel action figures because his narcissism knows no bounds. I’m only shocked that at no point in time does Knievel save puppies from a burning building or discover the cure for cancer. Mind you, we do get one of the boys casting away his crutches and telling Knievel that he’ll walk after his accident, just as Knievel did.

“Timmy, next time I’ll turn water into wine.”

The plot is painfully simplistic and lacks any sort of depth or nuance and right from the start I wanted to punch Knievel right in the face. After that awesome introduction to our title character we are then introduced to his alcoholic mechanic Will Atkins (Gene Kelly), who was a former stunt rider himself before his wife died and drove him to drink, which leads to the film’s After School Special subplot of Will’s estranged son Tommy (Eric Olson) showing up from boarding school and asking to join the tour, but Will is cold to the kid because the little monster is a constant reminder of his dead wife.  So it’s up to Knievel to mend this relationship and possibly broker peace in the Middle East. Hey, if you can jump sixteen buses on a bike what can’t you do? As if solving father/son issues wasn’t enough Evel also has to deal with photojournalist Kate Morgan (Lauren Hutton) who has been sent by her editor with the hope of photographing Knievel dying during his jump, yet somehow this callous attitude will be turned around and a romance will bloom between these two.

Note: In this movie, Evel Knievel is apparently single and there is no mention of his then-wife, Linda, or his (at the time) three children.

The real plot kicks in with the appearance of Jessie (Marjoe Gortner), a former protégé who has now turned junkie and secretly works for drug lord Stanley Millard (Leslie Nielsen), and the villainous scheme they’ve cooked up deals with convincing Evel to go down to Mexico for a big publicity jump where they will then swap out Evel Knievel’s trailer for a duplicate, which will have a massive supply of drugs hidden in the walls. Unbeknownst to Jesse, Millard and his partner Cortland (Albert Salmi) plan to make this jump a fatal one because they believe a funeral procession containing the body of the famous Evel Knievel is less likely to search it when crossing back into the United States. Needless to say, there are a few hiccups with this plan, such as Atkins stumbling onto the plot and being drugged and then sent to a psychiatric ward under the control of the corrupt Ralph Thompson (Dabney Coleman), just so he’s out of the way.  But at the last-minute Jesse knocks Knievel out and does the fatal jump himself, because he’s both a junkie and an idiot. Maybe hiring a drug addict wasn’t the best if ideas.

“You’re not going to get strung out and screw me over, right?”

At no point does this movie feel like anything other than a cheap attempt to cash in on Evel Knievel’s popularity at the time rather than a well-thought-out story. The dialogue is clunky with acting so wooden I bet they had to spray for termites, especially from Knievel himself who is as good at acting as he is jumping Snake River Canyon. Furthermore, the film is riddled with cliches and stereotypes, particularly in its portrayal of Mexican culture. If at some point Knievel had teamed up with Speedy Gonzales to thwart Leslie Nielsen I wouldn’t have been the least surprised because other than it not being animated this movie is pretty much a cartoon. That the film is littered with veteran actors, including Red Buttons as Knievel’s embezzling promoter, is all the sadder because even the most talented person couldn’t deliver these cheesy lines they’re forced to deliver, and seeing legendary Gene Kelly playing second banana to a real-life blowhard is more tragic than a hundred motorcycle spills.

What a truly heroic pairing.

Stray Observations:

• When Kate tells Evel she is a “Ms.” not a “Miss” she responds with “Oh, that makes you one of them” followed by the question “Are you a woman or a Ms?” because, apparently, being a narcissist wasn’t enough he’s also a sexist jerk.
• The first jump we see is Evel jumping over cages full of lions and tigers but no mention is made of the fact that the true danger is to those poor big cats who would most likely not survive if an asshole on a motorcycle crashed down on top of them.
• Evel’s record-breaking 150-foot jump over the lions and tigers is all kinds of bullshit as the longest successful jump Evel Knievel ever managed was his 133-foot jump over 14 Greyhound buses.
• Silent partner Irwin Allen ended up directing 80% of this movie after director Gordon Douglas became ill early in the production, making this a different “disaster” outing from Irwin Allen.
• Gene Kelly’s work in such films as Singin’ in the Rain and An American in Paris pales in comparison to his drug-induced freak out in the psychiatric ward.

This and Xanadu were true hallmarks of this man’s great career.

While the script was a cliched mess, and the special effects were beyond special, this film remains a hilarious time capsule of the 1970s, from Evel’s over-the-top jumpsuits to the hilariously bad dialogue, this movie has it all. And let’s not forget the stunts in this movie which are so over-the-top and ridiculous you’ll wonder if Evel was trying to kill himself for real. But hey, that’s what makes it so entertaining! Of course, for insurance purposes, all the more dangerous motorcycle stunts were performed by professional stuntman Gary Charles Davis while the big jumps were taken from stock footage of Evel Knievel at various events.

Note: Three months before this film premiered, Evel Knievel and his associates attacked promoter Shelly Saltman with an aluminum baseball bat because the book he wrote painted an unflattering picture of Knievel’s character, this resulted in jail time for Knievel as well as the loss of marketing endorsements as well as deals with Harley-Davidson and Ideal Toys and also caused this film to be pulled from several markets.

Basically, this is not a great movie, one could go so far as to say it’s pretty terrible, but if you’re in the mood for some mindless fun and a whole lot of laughs, grab some popcorn and settle in for Viva Knievel! as it is the perfect movie to watch with friends and a few alcoholic beverages, just don’t try any of Evel’s stunts at home, seriously, don’t do it because even Evel Knievel was crap at it half the time.

Megaforce (1982) – Review

One of the quintessential movies to come out of the 80s was action flick Megaforce, a movie brought to life by stuntman turned director Hal Needham and a team of B-List celebrities.  It is true that this genre entry has developed a certain level of cult status over the years, mostly for its over-the-top action and cheesy dialogue, but it should be noted that much of one’s enjoyment will depend on your tolerance for campy humour and men in tight spandex.

The plot of Megaforce is relatively simple and formulaic, par for the course with this kind of film, and it follows the story of a group of elite soldiers known as Megaforce and a key mission they must undertake. They are led by the ever-charismatic Commander Ace Hunter (Barry Bostwick), a spandex clad hero who is tasked by General Byrne-White (Edward Mulhare) to save the peaceful Republic of Sardun from their aggressive neighbour Gamibia. The Sardunian army has been skipping across the border to unleash devasting raids on their facilities and it has now deemed necessary to send in a neutral military unit, like Megaforce, to illegally enter Gamibia and end the threat once and for all.  Unfortunately, the mission to destroy this invading army is made complicated when it’s revealed that the Gambian forces are being led by Duke Guerera (Henry Silva) who just so happens to be a former military academy friend of Hunter’s.

Note: There is more screen charisma between Barry Bostwick and Henry Silva than there is between Bostwick and the film’s supposed love interest.

We learn that Megaforce is a military organization that is secretly funded and comprised of members of all nationalities and are outfitted with the latest and greatest weapons of war, including the Delta Mark IV motorcycle which is equipped with machine guns and ground-to-air rockets, and on this team of world police we have a good ole boy named Dallas (Michael Beck), Zac (Ralph Wilcox) an African American who loves classical music and quotes Shakespeare – this is funny because he’s cultured and black – and Suki (Evan Kim) the team’s Asian component so we can check off that diversity bucket item. That it took three people, including director Hal Needham, to come up with this particular script is all kinds of amazing, it’s as if every stereotype and racial cliché in the world had been put into a blender and this is what popped out.

 

Barry Bostwick and Michael Beck seen here comparing dick sizes.

Of course, no self-respecting 80s action movie could exist without a love interest, or at least someone for our hero to impress, and in the case of  Megaforce that comes in the form of Major Zara (Persis Khambatta) who is put through her paces by Ace so that she can prove she is capable of fighting alongside the men of Megaforce. That this entire testing sequence is completely sexists bullshit should come as no surprise to anyone versed in action films of this era, but Barry Bostwick’s Ace Hunter reaches surprising new levels assholeness when, after she passes all these various tests, he still won’t let her join the team on the raid because her presence as an “outsider” would disrupt the trust and familiarity of his force. Not only was this entire sequence a waste of screen time it doesn’t really paint our hero in the best light, in less that was Hal Needham’s intent.

 

“I’d love for you to come along but, you know, girl cooties.”

Stray Observations:

• The ridiculous nature of Megaforce, with its toy aesthetic military vehicles, could be considered a precursor to Hasbro’s re-launch of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero.
• Watching this film, I couldn’t help but wonder why Edward Mulhare didn’t send David Hasselhoff and KITT after Henry Silva.
• The character Dallas wears a Confederate flag on his Megaforce uniform and it should be noted that this was during a time when Dukes of Hazzard was a super popular television series.  Watching this film now most modern audiences will most likely think “What an asshole.”
• General Byrne-White assumes that Zac is listening to Gladys Knight & the Pips on his Walkman, and not classical music, because Zac is African American and the General is clearly a racist asshat.
• This was no credited costume designer for this film because all of the clothing was designed by the toy company Mattel, which is fitting for a movie that looks like a toy commercial.
• There are very few people in the world who could pull off a powder blue headband and a powder blue ascot, Barry Bostwick is not one of them.
• This has got to be one of the most bloodless action films from this era, while Arnie was mowing down countless thugs in his film Commando with bloody abandon not a single person in this movie is seen dying on screen.  This movie even got a “G” rating in Australia.
• While promoting the film, Bostwick stated “We use high technology weapons of the most advanced design. They’re still on the drawing board but they will be in use by the time the movie is out a year later.”  I think he was being a little optimistic with that statement.

 

Four decades later, and I’m still waiting for flying motorcycles.

The action scenes in Megaforce are the highlight of the film, with the Megaforce team using their futuristic vehicles and weapons to take on the enemy forces – despite most of these vehicles looking like something an eight-year-old boy would come up with – which includes flying motorcycles and dune buggies, and it’s this funny and goofy aesthetic that gives this movie its charm. However, the film’s plot is thin as rice paper and fairly predictable nor are the characters all not well-developed, but when you have Henry Silva chewing up the scenery and Barry Bostwick wearing spandex and grinning like a loon, you don’t really need much in the way of character development, especially if script consists of what are pretty much cartoon characters. I will say this, the action sequences were well handled and fun, unfortunately, any time the filmmakers were forced to use visual and optical effects the end result was less promising, but we do get those cool flying bikes and tricked-out dune buggies so that’s a win.

Note: There was a planned sequel, under the title Deeds Not Words, but as Megaforce ended up only making $3 million at the U.S. box office against a $20-million budget, the idea of a sequel quickly died on the vine and it took Barry Bostwick eleven years before getting another shot at theatrically released film role.

Hal Needham’s Megaforce is a fun and entertaining movie that is perfect for action movie fans who enjoy a healthy dose of cheesy humour. Producer Albert S. Ruddy’s decision to not go the Dogs of War route and embrace a more campy nature was definitely an interesting choice, making this almost a spoof of war movies but not quite as most of the humour falls flat as a good amount of the jokes are either sexist or racist, so as a spoof it doesn’t quite work.  It is interesting that years later Trey Parker and Matt Stone would take this idea to its logical conclusion with their film Team America: World Police and turn out a truly fun and bonkers film.  Maybe Needham was just a little bit ahead of his time and wasn’t quite able to fully embrace the goofiness of the subject matter, not to say this film isn’t incredibly goofy because it really is.

 

To this day, I don’t why the “thumb kiss” never caught on.

For all the things that don’t work in Needham’s Megaforce, of which there are plenty, this is not the type of movie to be taken too seriously and it’s definitely worth watching if you’re looking for goofy anti-septic A-Team style action movie. With Barry Bostwick rocking spandex and Henry Silva chewing the scenery this movie is an entertaining romp that will give you and your drinking buddies loads of laughs while also learning such valuable life lessons as “Good guys always win, even in the eighties.”

The Spirit (2008) – Review

With the successful adaptations of two Sin City movies, based on the Frank Miller comics, it must have seemed like a great idea to give the man a shot at adapting the Will Eisner comic to the big screen as he was a big fan of the character, unfortunately, in the case of those Sin City movies Miller worked alongside genre-busting icons Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, while this time out Frank Miller was flying solo and the difference in the dynamic was deadly.

The first attempt at realizing a live-action version of The Spirit came in the form of a 1987 made-for-television film featuring Flash Gordon star Sam Jones, and by all accounts it wasn’t very good, but that was mostly due to its incredibly low television budget.  Flash forward two decades and audiences were treated to a big budget theatrical release of Will Eisner’s iconic hero, and it was a helluva lot worse. This particular incarnation follows the adventures of Denny Colt (Gabriel Macht), the masked crime fighter known as The Spirit, as he battles against his arch-nemesis The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson), in a plot that would appear to have been written by someone attempting to treat their attention deficit disorder with mescaline laced cocaine while also suffering from a concussion and crippling narcissism.

Note: In the comics, The Spirit’s costume consisted of a blue domino mask, a blue business suit, a blue fedora hat and matching gloves, but with Frank Miller utilizing his muted Sin City aesthetic that iconic look is drastically altered.

The aforementioned “plot” deals with the beautiful Sand Saref (Eva Mendes), who was The Spirit’s childhood sweetheart but is now a world-class thief.  She is looking for the legendary Golden Fleece while The Octopus is trying to get his hands on a vase containing the blood of Hercules, which he believes will make him a god, but complications arise when Saref and The Octopus end up obtaining the item the other one wants. Hijinks ensue. The film also includes several characters from the source material, such as Commissioner Eustace Dolan (Dan Lauria), who is the one man who knows The Spirit’s true identity, his daughter Ellen Dolan (Sarah Paulson) who is also The Spirit’s part-time lover and personal physician, and finally, there is Silken Floss (Scarlett Johansson) a femme fatale assistant to The Octopus, who is only slightly less insane than her boss.

To be fair, Frank Miller’s sanity should also be called into question.

Over the years, The Spirit comic has embraced a wide variety of styles, from straightforward crime drama and film noir to lighthearted adventure as well as mystery and horror/comedy, unfortunately, this incarnation looked to be attempting to embrace all of those diverse elements into one movie and this resulted in a plot that was a confusing mess.  With too many characters and subplots to keep track of, with cheesy one-liners and cringe-worthy dialogue, this resulted in most audience members rolling their eyes in disbelief that someone was actually paid to write this stuff. Miller obviously wanted to embrace the film noir element of Eisner’s original comic, which made his Sin City so popular, but his own personal aesthetic and brand doesn’t always works and in this case it fails badly. Miller often falls back on a tried-and-true rule for almost all of his previous works, “If all else fails give the viewer some really nice eye candy.”

Eva Mendes and company deliver that in spades.

The impressive cast assemble here were given a script that didn’t make a lick of sense, with dialogue that even the greatest thespian in the world couldn’t pull off with any sense of credibility, and this is The Spirit’s ultimate downfall because even if you let slide the fact that the story is a convoluted and confusing mess, with too many plot threads and characters to keep track of, even the most talented cast couldn’t rescue it when giving such horribly written lines to read, and this certainly not helped by the endless terrible monologuing of Gabriel Macht’s bland interpretation of The Spirit. The pacing is also uneven and really cripples the film, with scenes that drag on for too long, with some jokes beaten to death, while others are so rushed they seem nonsensical, leaving the audience confused and disoriented.

“Forget it, Dad, it’s Chinatown.”

Stray Observations:

• In the comics, The Octopus never revealed his actual face, being a master of disguise, yet readers could always identify the character by the distinctive purple gloves he always wore, but when you cast Samuel L. Jackson in the part I guess that trait had to be ditched.
• Frank Miller has a cameo as soon-to-be-murdered Officer Liebowitz, which illustrates the fact he’s not only a bad director but a lousy actor as well.
• This script turns Will Eisner’s noble masked vigilante into some kind of bizarre James Bond-like lothario, one who all women fall in love with at first sight. Shall we chalk this one up to Frank Miller’s rampant sexism?
• In an interrogation scene, The Spirit asks The Octopus “What’s in the vase, Thor’s hammer?” as both Samuel Jackson and Scarlett Johansson appeared in the Marvel Cinematic Universe this could be considered a half-assed wink to that movie franchise.

Why they were cos-playing Nazis is beyond me.

The characters, particularly The Spirit, are underdeveloped and lack depth and Gabriel Macht’s portrayal of The Spirit comes off as flat and unemotional, failing to capture the essence of the character’s complexity from Will Eisner’s comic.  Worse off is poor Samuel L. Jackson whose characterization of The Octopus was so over-the-top and cartoonish that his mugging for the camera could be seen from the Moon. I will admit that Frank Miller’s adaptation does have its moments, particularly in its action sequences, which are entertaining in a goofy sort of way and the stylized noir look is eye-catching, but it borrows a little too heavily from Sin City rather than paying homage to Will Eisner’s comic strip. However, these few good elements are not enough to save the film from being a disappointment and will continue to confuse newcomers and enrage fans of the source material for years to come.

Note: Your ability to stomach corny hackneyed lines like “My city, I can not deny her. My city screams. She is my mother. She is my lover, and I am her Spirit” will be a major factor in your enjoyment of this entry.

Overall, The Spirit failed to capture the “spirit” of the original comic book series and is only memorable due to how judiciously bad it gets at times. The film’s chaotic blend of plot elements takes a backseat to Miller’s visual style, which makes this a prime example of how not to adapt a beloved property for the big screen. It’s one thing to stamp your own personal style onto a project but it’s also very important for it to make at least a little sense and it’s there where Miller drops the ball. This is a clear case of style over substance, so if all you care for is that wonderful eye candy found in the Sin City movies, then this film could be right up your alley, but fans of Will Eisner’s comic book hero may want to stay clear of this train wreck of a movie.

The Spirit (1987) – Review

The Spirit is a fictional masked crimefighter created by cartoonist Will Eisner and first appeared in comics way back in 1940 despite remaining a somewhat popular character for decades he never reached the heights of say Batman or Superman and thus his road into other mediums never quite took.

The first live-action incarnation of The Spirit was a made-for-television movie released in 1987 and directed by Michael Schultz that was intended as a backdoor pilot for a new television series, this was not to be. This television movie follows the story of a police detective who is believed to be dead, in reality, he has taken on the guise of The Spirit, a masked crimefighter who patrols the streets of Central City. Along the way, he becomes embroiled in a plot involving a corrupt businessman, a beautiful thief, and a dangerous scientist, and while these all seem to be great ingredients for what could have been a fun action-filled ride it ended up being lamer than they were heroic.

 

The opening title card certainly didn’t inspire confidence.

The movie kicks off with Denny Colt (Sam Jones), a detective in East Amphett, Oregon, investigating the death of his good friend William Sevrin (Philip Baker Hall), who had been working on a book about crimes being conducted at the Roxton Museum in Central City.  This leads to Denny crossing swords with Simon Teasdale (Daniel Davis), the museum curator, and his own murder when one of Teasdale’s goons lures him into a trap. Of course, our hero wasn’t going to stay dead, so shortly after being presumed deceased by the world’s laziest police force, Denny claws his way up out of the “grave” and sets up a base of operations in a crypt at the Wildwood Cemetery. While sporting the classic Will Eisner designed suit and mask, he will seek justice with the aid of the young street kid Eubie (Bumper Robinson) and Police Commissioner Dolan (Gary Walberg) as well as his lovely daughter Ellen (Nana Visitor), and though Denny Colt is “dead” The Spirit lives on.

 

Pause for dramatic posturing.

Stray Observations:

• The film opens with William Sevrin crawling near dead towards the phone but when the house blows up he is suddenly able to sprint out the front door just so he can impart his last wishes to Denny Colt.
• Despite being updated to a modern setting Denny Colt still wears a trench coat and fedora as if his wardrobe had been stuck in a 1940s time warp.
• Simon Teasdale has his museum’s security guards throw Denny Colt out of the museum and bounce down the stairs, but as Denny is a police officer this should have landed them all in jail under an assault charge.
• Denny tells Commissioner Dolan “The criminals I captured are behind bars, where they all belong, but if those same criminals had been caught by Officer Denny Colt, instead of the mysterious Spirit, you’d still be in court stumbling over red tape.” In reality, it’s quite the opposite, as any halfway decent lawyer would point out that a vigilante leaving a bound suspect at the scene of the crime is not going to hold up in court.

 

“I did read them their Miranda Rights.”

One can understand the network thinking this take on a classic comic book character would be a success, the Adam West Batman series being a prime example of campy superheroes on television raking in the big bucks, but by the release of this film comic book fans had already moved past these campy offerings and had embraced more adult material like Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns, thus this offering from Warner Bros. Television fell on deaf ears and has become a mere footnote in the live-action world of superheroes. The costume designs by Brienne Glyttov were a solid attempt at a translation of what appeared in the pages of the Will Eisner but unlike how it was handled in the Warren Beatty Dick Tracy, which the comic book aesthetic to the nth degree, The Spirit costume in this film simply looked cheap and uninspired.

Note: The movie’s $2.5 million budget prevented them from making this a period picture, the original comic taking place in the 1940s, and that added to the visual disconnect between the hero and the world he was inhabiting.

While the movie has its flaws, it is a fun and entertaining romp that captures the spirit of the source material. Sam Jones gives a decent performance as The Spirit, playing him as a charming and slightly cheeky hero, unfortunately, the film suffers from a lack of depth in its storytelling and characters. The supporting cast is also somewhat hit or miss, with some actors delivering performances that are delightfully cheesy, while others come across as wooden and uninspired. The action scenes are well-staged and exciting, and the film’s overall look captures the pulpy, noirish tone of the source material. Modern viewers may look at these production values as being a bit dated, with some of the special effects and action sequences feeling a bit cheesy by today’s standards, however, the movie’s stylish visuals and catchy soundtrack help to make up for some of its shortcomings.

 

“We’ll see you in the funny papers.”

While The Spirit may not be a cinematic masterpiece it is a fun and entertaining adaptation of the classic comic book character and was a nice follow-up to Flash Gordon for Sam Jones as they both have a fun and cheesy appeal, not to mention that the screenplay by Steven E. de Souza has some nice comedic moments that give both Sam Jones and Nana Visitor some time to shine. Overall, fans of pulp adventure stories and superhero tales should definitely check this one out.