Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996) – Review

First of all, one has to admit that the original Lawnmower Man was no cinematic masterpiece – not to mention a terrible adaptation of the source material – but the dodgy CGI and an even dodgier grasp of science that plagued that film is nothing compared to the cinematic disaster that is Lawnmower Man 2. Imagine taking everything that made the original film somewhat interesting and flushing it down the digital toilet.

When sitting down to watch this sequel, after first girding your loins with enough alcohol, it’s important to understand that this film should be viewed as a stand-alone movie as it seems to have ignored most of the events of the first Lawnmower Man. Despite this film’s opening scene including a flashback of the previous one’s conclusion – with the destruction of Virtual Space Industries and Jobe escaping into the World Wide Web and the subsequent ringing of all the phones in the world that announces his birth as a Cyber-God – this sequel ignores all of that and has the villains of this piece getting a hold of Jobe’s “corpse” so that they can hook him up to their database so he can help them perfect the Chiron Chip.

 

“Being a Cyber-God seems like a lot of work.”

But what is this Chiron Chip we speak of? We are told that Dr. Benjamin Trace (Patrick Bergin), the founder of virtual reality and who invented the most powerful worldwide communications chip ever, but then lost the legal battle to secure the patent, and it is now in the hands of a villainous tycoon and virtual reality entrepreneur Jonathan Walker (Kevin Conway). Walker runs Virtual Light Industries and he quickly realizes the potential of the Chiron Chip to dominate a society that has now become dependent on computers. It’s Walker’s team who gains possession of Jobe Smith’s (Matt Frewer) horrible burnt body, to which they will reconstruct his face and have his legs amputated, but not to worry, he is told by Dr. Cori Platt (Ely Pouget), who is Trace’s former partner and lover and now turned corporate scientist, that “There is nothing to be afraid of, virtual reality will rehabilitate your mind and eventually your body.” Call me crazy, but I don’t think these guys understand science or biology.

 

“I bring you to the “Bullshit 3000” the most powerful plot device ever.”

Meanwhile, we have the return of Peter Parkette (Austin O’Brien) who in the intervening six years has become a computer hacker and formed a group of Artful Dodgers who live in an old subway car on an abandoned subway line of a very Cyberpunk Los Angeles. As one is expected to do in this kind of movie. It’s while hacking into the “cyberspace” that Peter reconnects with Jobe and is asked by his former friend to track down Dr. Benjamin Trace so that he can learn about a hidden Nano routine called “Egypt” in the Chiron Chip’s design. Lucky for humanity, Trace realizes that Jobe is quite insane and he refuses to give him access to something that powerful, needless to say, this doesn’t go over that well and Jobe explodes with the threat “Tell me what “Egypt” means, Doctor, before I get really FUCKING PISSED OFF!” and he then hacks into subway system’s computer to send another train crashing into theirs. Thus begins the battle between our small band of heroes, a mentally deranged Cyber-God and an ineffectual group of corporate morons who don’t understand what the fuck they are dealing with. So yeah, it will be a bunch of kids who save the day.

 

“We need to hack the planet.”

Stray Observations:

• Despite the film taking place in “The Future” the computer labs are all outfitted with crappy old computers from the 1980s, stuff that even Tron wouldn’t bother trying to save.
• How do you solve the problem of the actor who played the title character in the first film not returning for the sequel? Simple, just have a doctor deliver the line “They’ve reconstructed his face” and then cast Matt Frewer.
• Casting Matt Frewer as a rogue computer villain has serious shades of his most famous role, that of Max Headroom.
• The only actor to return for this outing was Austin O’Brien, who is another good example of “Child Actors” whose careers never quite survived puberty.
• The virtual world that Peter Parkette and friends hack into looks like a precursor to Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One and the OASIS.
• This film is set six years after the original movie – which took place in the present day – yet in that small time frame the world has somehow turned into a Blade Runner/Cyberpunk reality.

 

That is some pretty quick urban development.

While the original Lawnmower Man flirted with intriguing concepts of virtual reality and the human mind, its sequel dives headfirst into a pool of convoluted plot lines and lacklustre execution. Furthermore, the film’s visual effects are a testament to the limitations of CGI technology in the mid-90s and certainly not much of an improvement from the original film. Some may argue that the dated graphics add a nostalgic charm, but they ultimately detract from the overall immersion of the viewing experience. Scenes that were likely intended to inspire awe and wonder instead elicit unintended chuckles if not outright laughter. But where it really fails is when our heroes venture into cyberspace the filmmakers decided to composite live-action elements with CGI backgrounds as it looks just godawful. To say it’s not a convincing amalgamation of techniques would be the understatement of the century.

 

“Second star to the right and straight on till we pixelate.”

In terms of performances, the cast struggles to breathe life into their thinly sketched characters. Even the talents of seasoned actors like Patrick Bergin and Matt Frewer are squandered amidst a sea of wooden dialogue and one-dimensional motivations. Frewer himself does look to be trying to breathe some life into this standard “Evil Computer” role but he drifts a little too far into his Max Headroom persona at times and each time this happened it took me out of the movie. Of course, the real problem with this movie was in its script and its convoluted plot, which meanders through a nonsensical maze of virtual reality jargon and shallow attempts at social commentary. The storyline is riddled with inconsistencies and absurdities, making it nearly impossible for us to become emotionally invested in the fate of the characters. The result is a mishmash of half-baked ideas and contrived conflicts that fail to bring things to a proper conclusion.

 

“I’m a cliché, in a silly plot and wrapped in bad graphics.”

Ultimately, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace falls short of its lofty ambitions, delivering a half-assed sequel that insults the intelligence of its audience. It’s a prime example of how not to make a science fiction film, lacking both substance and style. Viewers would be better off avoiding this cinematic misfire and seeking out more engaging entertainment elsewhere, but if you want a good laugh and do have decent amount of alcohol on hand, than this can be a fun diversion to watch among like-minded friends.

The Lawnmower Man (1992) – Review

When it comes to movie adaptations straying from the source material no author has suffered more than Stephen King – even Kubrick’s amazing adaptation of The Shining earned the ire of the author – but in the annals of adaptations none are as far off the mark as the 1992 adaptation “The Lawnmower Man” which took the title from King’s short story and absolutely nothing else.

I’m not being hyperbolic when I say there is absolutely nothing in this movie that pertains to Stephen King’s short story – well, other than they both contain a lawnmower – as the people at New Line Cinema had optioned a script called “Cyber God” and simply placed King’s title on the production to cash in on the fame of that author’s name provides. Needless to say, Stephen King was a little pissed, so he sued the studio to have his name and title removed from the film and promotion, which they refused to do, and this resulted in the courts ordering them to pay the author a $2.5 million dollar settlement.

 

“I will settle for redrum!”

But what is this movie about? Just how different is it from King’s short story? The short story dealt with a man who unknowling hires a lawn maintenance man who works for the ancient god Pan, while the plot of the film revolves around Dr. Lawrence Angelo (Pierce Brosnan), a scientist experimenting with virtual reality and intelligence enhancement. Yeah, not what you’d call all that similar in the premise department. The conflict of the film stems from the fact that Angelo is working for a shady government agency known as The Shop, who wants his experiments focused on military applications – training a chimpanzee to be a killing machine – and when his best test subject is shot dead after escaping the facility, he decides to try to go off on his own as he believes “Virtually reality holds the key to human advancement.” Logically, this means he should jump right into human testing – because the ape thing went so well – so he hires a mentally challenged gardener named Jobe Smith (Jeff Fahey) as a test subject for his experiments, hoping to increase Jobe’s cognitive abilities using a combination of drugs and virtual reality simulations.

 

“How do you feel about trying a little mad science?”

As anyone who has read or seen the many adaptations of Frankenstein or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde things will not go as planned. As the experiment progresses, Jobe begins to display extraordinary cognitive abilities, surpassing even Dr. Angelo’s expectations. However, the experiment takes a dark turn as Jobe’s newfound intelligence and powers begin to spiral out of control, leading to unforeseen consequences. Not only is Jobe’s intelligence enhanced, but he also develops psychokinesis and telepathy and becomes increasingly unstable. Even worse is that he starts using these new abilities to seek revenge on those who have wronged him in the past. Then we have The Director (Dean Norris) of The Shop sending goons to capture both the good doctor and Jobe, which results in a lot of dead or digitized goons. It’s at this point that Dr. Angelo realizes the danger of what he has unleashed and tries to stop Jobe, but he finds himself powerless against Jobe’s growing psychic abilities. As Jobe’s powers continue to spiral out of control, he becomes a threat to the entire world.

 

He’s also a very sexy threat to the world.

If that is the plot of the movie what is King’s short story about? In the story, a man named Harold Parkette hires a mowing service called “Pastoral Greenery” and the man who arrives is a hairy pot-bellied individual who strips naked and eats the newly cut grass like a goat while controlling his lawnmower with mystical powers. Turns out this man works for the pagan god Pan, who grants substantial benefits to his followers if customers are sacrificed, which leads to Harold being chased through his living room and “mowed down” by the motorized menace. Yeah, I can’t say there are a lot of similarities between the short story and the plot of this movie because even though we do get an asshole being chased through his living room by a lawnmower there are certainly no pagan inferences to be found.

 

He looks more like a Power Rangers cosplayer than a worshipper of Pan.

Stray Observations:

• The screenplay tosses in the government agency known as “The Shop” which appeared in separate works of King’s, such as Firestarter (1980) and The Tommyknockers (1987).
• It’s too bad that Jeff Fahey never met Tropic Thunder’s Kirk Lazarus as he could have used the advice offered in that film “Man, everyone knows you never go full retard.”
• Geoffrey Lewis plays a groundskeeper in this movie and he also played a groundskeeper in Tobe Hooper’s adaptation of Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot (1979).
• Dr. Angelo is supposed to be an altruistic scientist who wants to help humanity but he witnesses his neighbour physically abusing both his wife and son, on multiple occasions, yet never reports him to the authorities.
• At one point, Dr. Angelo places bombs rigged with timers and he tries to prevent Jobe from reading his mind and learning about them, this is either an homage or a lift from the classic Village of the Damned.
• Jobe’s customized lawnmower has a dual exhaust pipe that is aimed up at the user’s face, which would pump enough quantities of toxic carbon monoxide to give you a headache within minutes and poison you after prolonged use.

 

Luckily, telekinesis solves that problem.

Director Brett Leonard’s The Lawnmower Man is a prime example of a film that tries to dazzle audiences with its flashy special effects but ultimately leaves them with a hollow and unsatisfying experience. This is a misguided attempt at blending science fiction and horror that falls flat on almost every level, resulting in a film that is both laughably absurd and painfully dull. But the film’s greatest sin, however, lies in its egregious misuse of CGI and virtual reality technology. While it may have been groundbreaking for its time, the computer-generated effects in this outing will look hopelessly outdated and laughably amateurish to modern viewers – not that they looked all that great at the time either – and the so-called “virtual reality” sequences are particularly cringe-worthy, resembling something out of a low-budget ’90s video game rather than a cutting-edge cinematic experience.

 

If this is virtual reality sex I want no part of it.

Even if one were to look past its complete departure from Stephen King’s story and take it as a “CyberGod” story the film’s portrayal of virtual reality and its effects on the human mind is often exaggerated and a little silly at times, relying on outdated and unrealistic depictions of technology. While this may have been forgivable given the limitations of CGI at the time, it detracts from the film’s credibility and undermines its attempts at social commentary. The script regurgitates tired clichés and half-baked pseudo-intellectual babble and when Dr. Angelo rants at Jobe “This technology was meant to expand human communication, but you’re not even human anymore! What you’ve become terrifies me. You’re a freak!” they are laughably shallow and derivative.

 

“Kneel before CyberChrist!”

The performances in this outing are equally uninspired, with actors sleepwalking through their roles as if they can’t wait for the whole ordeal to be over. Jeff Fahey’s portrayal of the titular lawnmower man is particularly cringe-worthy, with his over-the-top mannerisms and wooden delivery robbing the character of any shred of credibility or humanity. The villains have fewer dimensions than what you’d find in an average Scooby-Doo cartoon and all the supporting characters wander in and out of the movie as if they were looking for the script or their agent’s phone number. When the final act kicks into gear, and Jobe attempts to infect the world wide web, you’ll be wishing you’d installed some Norton Anti-Virus or at least taken some anti-nausea medication.

 

We were actually supposed to take this seriously?

In conclusion, The Lawnmower Man remains an “interesting” entry in the history of CGI and virtual reality cinema, and while by today’s standards make it’s quite primitive it gets points for trying. However, the film’s flawed narrative execution and underdeveloped characters prevent it from achieving true greatness, not to mention the blatant abandonment of the source material. While it may hold nostalgic value for some viewers, it ultimately fails to live up to its ambitious premise and falls short of being a truly memorable or impactful film. Instead of wasting your time with this film I suggest you check out the short story “Flowers for Algernon” by Daniel Keyes or its film adaptation Charly, which deals with similar subject matters but in more thoughtful and intelligent manner.

Meet Joe Black (1998) – Review

Doomed love affairs are a staple of the romance genre and in 1998 director Martin Brest and Universal Pictures brought us a romantic fantasy mystery film that did its best to provide an interesting take on the subject matter, sadly, it didn’t completely work.

Loosely based on the 1934 film Death Takes a Holiday, which itself was an adaptation of the 1924 Italian play La Morte in Vacanza by Alberto Casella, Meet Joe Black revolves around William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins), a wealthy media mogul who is celebrating his 65th birthday with a lavish party at his extravagant mansion. Despite his success in business, William is grappling with his mortality and the realization that his life may soon come to an end. Meanwhile, his youngest daughter Susan (Claire Forlani) has had a “meet cute” with a handsome young man (Brad Pitt) at a coffee shop – unbeknownst to her, directly after their cute back and forth he is struck fatally by multiple cars – later that night William gets an unexpected visitor, Death personified, who has taken on the human form of that newly killed young man so as to experience what it means to be alive. He offers William a proposition: he will postpone William’s death if William agrees to be his guide and show him the wonders of human life.

 

“I am Death, destroyer of dinner parties.”

William reluctantly agrees to this proposal, and now going by the name Joe Black, he begins to immerse himself in the world of the living. As Joe explores life as a human, he becomes enamoured with Susan but things are a little complicated as he’s wearing the Meat Suit of the guy she had kind of fallen for at the coffee shop. Unaware of Joe’s true identity, she is drawn to his enigmatic charm and profound insights into life. As Joe spends more time with Susan, their bond deepens, and he begins to question his role as Death. He starts to experience human emotions and desires, particularly his growing love for Susan. However, Joe’s newfound humanity complicates his mission, and he must ultimately confront the consequences of his actions.

 

Can true love survive Death?

Stray Observations:

• Death taking on a young and handsome personage is nothing new, a young Robert Redford played Death in the 1962 Twilight Zone episode “Nothing in the Dark.”
• Death’s knowledge is rather inconsistent, in one moment he is caught off guard by the saying “In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes” but in the next, he knows the idiom “Money can’t buy happiness.”
• When Susan asks Joe if he’s gay he responds “No” but can Death even have a sexual orientation? Or is his heterosexuality a leftover remnant from the body he’s using?
• La petite mort or “little death” refers to the sensation of post-orgasm as likened to death, but when Susan and Joe have sex is that even more literal?

 

Could this tryst result in a baby with the powers of Death?

Martin Brest’s Meet Joe Black explores profound themes about life, death, and the significance of human connections. It delves into the choices we make and the impact they have on ourselves and those around us. The emotional dynamics between Joe Black and Susan, as well as the relationship between Joe and William Parrish, form the core of the narrative. Unfortunately, the screenplay fails those core relationships. The love story between Joe and Susan isn’t so much tragically doomed as it is forced and non-existent. In 1934’s Death Takes a Holiday, he sacrifices his own happiness so that the woman he loves can stay and live with her friends and family, and when he reveals his true appearance to her as Death and tells her, “Now you see me as I am” her response shocks them all. “But I’ve always seen you like that. You haven’t changed.” And when he asks her “You have seen me like this?” she responds “Yes, always.” Death then declares “Then there is a love which casts out fear, and I have found it! And love is greater than illusion and as strong as death.” And the two of them then go off to the great beyond together.

 

That doesn’t quite happen in this film.

Instead of a powerful love story that transcends life in death, we have Susan refusing to recognize Joe as Death. He says “You know who I am” and she sputters, “You’re… you’re Joe.” So rather than two lovers truly recognizing each other and the depth of their love, we get a girl in denial and Death giving her the Brad Pitt meat suit he’d been wearing as some sort of consolation prize. This doesn’t even qualify as a bitter-sweet happy ending, it’s just lazy. And sure, she did have a connection with the guy at the coffee shop but she fell in love with Joe Black, who knows where this relationship is going to go after the credits roll. Worst is the fact that there is almost no screen chemistry between Brad Pitt and Claire Forlani, which I don’t fault the actors for as Pitt playing this supernatural being awkwardly operating his meat suit was a hard element to overcome.

 

Hopkins and Pitt had better screen chemistry.

Plot problems aside one cannot deny the cast all bring their best with the material provided. Anthony Hopkins shines as William Parrish, portraying the wisdom and vulnerability of a man confronting his mortality with remarkable depth. Claire Forlani’s portrayal of Parrish’s daughter, Susan, adds a poignant layer to the narrative, as her character becomes entangled in a rather complicated romance with Joe. I particularly love the character of William’s older daughter Allison (Marcia Gay Harden) who deeply loves her father even though she knows that she’s not the favourite. But it is Brad Pitt who really delivers the goods here, giving a hauntingly enigmatic performance as Joe Black, capturing the character’s otherworldly essence with subtle grace. His portrayal of a supernatural being dances between comic moments to those of pure malevolence – he is not one to be trifled with – and this performance also has that “Fish out of Water” element and reminded me of Jeff Bridges in Starman, with him moving around as if being in a human body is a new thing and experiences many things for the first time.

 

The joy of discovering peanut butter.

However, despite its strong performances and visual appeal, Meet Joe Black suffers from significant pacing issues and a lack of focus in its narrative. Clocking in at over three hours, the film struggles to maintain momentum, with numerous scenes feeling unnecessarily prolonged or repetitive. While the leisurely pace may be intentional to evoke a sense of contemplation and introspection, it often detracts from the overall impact of the story, leading to moments of tedium and disengagement. There is a subplot of Susan’s boyfriend Drew (Jake Weber) scheming behind her father’s back in some kind of corporate raiding plot, that should have been entirely jettisoned as the movie certainly didn’t need it as it added nothing to either the primary conflict between Joe and William or the love story between Susan and Joe.

Note: There is a two-hour version made to show on television and airline flights, which cuts out most of the plotline involving William Parrish’s business dealings. I’d like to see that cut.

In conclusion, Meet Joe Black is a visually stunning and emotionally resonant film but one that falls short of its lofty ambitions. While it boasts strong performances and moments of poignancy, its pacing issues and romantic failings cripple it. And while this film pales in comparison to Death Takes a Holiday it does have some great performances that elevate the material and remains a compelling exploration of life’s mysteries, albeit one that ultimately leaves viewers wanting more.

The Most Dangerous Game (2022) – Review

Let me start by saying I love a good action thriller, and there have been many great adaptations of Richard Connell’s short story “The Most Dangerous Game” over the years, but this one misses the mark entirely. While this entry tries so hard to be intense and suspenseful it still somehow ends up feeling like a cheap knockoff of better movies in the genre.

The film follows the formulaic plot of its predecessors, offering little in terms of originality and even less in the area of talent in front and behind the camera. In this adaptation of the classic story, we have WWII veteran Sanger Rainsford (Chris “CT” Tamburello) travelling with his father Marcus Rainsford (Judd Nelson), who is a world-renowned big game hunter, aboard a large tramp steamer destined for some unknown local, to which it must pass by an island notorious for its dangers. But before we can commence with the action and the inevitable sinking of the ship – as they were all dumb enough to take this stupid trip – we get a scene where old man Whitney Tyler (Bruce Dern) sparks a debate with Marcus and fellow traveller Rex Allan (Randy Charach) on the fairness of hunting bears, pointing out “Do they have guns? How’s it a fair fight if he’s not armed?” Now, this debate did occur in the original short story but here it comes across more like the ramblings of a man suffering from dementia rather than anything cohesive or intelligent.

 

“Let’s have bears with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads!”

And why is this group on this particular hunting trip? Well, it seems that Sanger has been suffering from nightmares about his time fighting the Germans during the war and good ole pops thinks the best cure for post-traumatic stress is to hand a person a gun and send him into the jungle to hunt big game. Now, I know PTSD wasn’t recognized as a mental disorder until the 1980s but I don’t think even Sigmund Freud or Carl Jung would have suggested arming a patient and then having them go off into the woods to work it out for themselves. Needless to say, things don’t go well and that dangerous route the captain (David Nett) was worried about proved to be just that, dangerous, and before you can say “Hunting season is open” the ship is sunk and our merry band of idiots have washed ashore. Our three survivors, Sanger, Marcus and Rex, hear a rifle shot in the distance and quickly decide that it is the sound of civilization.

 

Call me crazy, but that doesn’t look like civilization to me.

Upon stumbling across this rather rustic chateau, the group is soon introduced to the master of this island, Baron Von Wolf (Casper Van Dien), a German aristocrat who doesn’t waste time lulling his guests into any sort of false sense of security, instead, he states outright that he’s become bored with hunting animals and now only hunts prey with courage and the ability to reason. When Rex points out that “No animal can reason” it’s up to Sanger to point out the obvious, “You hunt men.” This appalls his guests but the Baron laughs at their accusations of him being a murderer, believing these men couldn’t possibly hold “Romantic ideals about the value of human life.” He then reveals that it is well-placed sea mines that provide him with fresh game – such as the mine that took our group’s ship – and so our movie finally kicks off with the villain revealing his plans with the subtlety of a rotting fish.

 

“Did I mention I thought the Nazis were too soft on the Jews?”

The film then follows the standard formula of adaptions of Richard Connell’s short story, our “heroes” will be given the rules of the hunt and sent off with a three-hour head start. Sanger is introduced to two other captives of the mad Baron, a man named Quinlan (Edward Finlay) and a woman named Mary (Elissa Dowling), who have been waiting around until the Baron could find an interesting enough use for them, but now that can be paired with Sanger it will make the game much more interesting. Sadly, not much interesting happens and we the viewer have become as bored as the Baron claims to be. Not even the forest terrain or watery ravine can provide respite from this film’s tedium, only the brief appearance of Benjamin Colt (Tom Berenger), whose ship was also sunk but has managed to allude the Baron all this time, brings us anything verging on original.

 

“Rambo’s got nothing on me.”

Stray Observations:

• To get to their destination, the boat must pass in between a dangerous reef and the shallows of an island that strikes fear in even their brave captain, to which I must comment “You’re on a boat, if the route is that dangerous either take the three days to go around or forget the whole thing and go to Disneyland.”
• Casper Van Dien had better luck in the jungle when he starred in Tarzan and the Lost City, and this movie could have used some cheap CGI and silly witch doctors, at least then it would be laughably interesting rather than just laughably bad.
• This movie is a collection of actors who have reached new levels of slumming. Judd Nelson had already starred in the hilariously bad Shaquille O’Neal comic book movie Steel yet this movie makes that entry look Oscar-worthy by comparison.
• As is the case with most adaptations of “The Most Dangerous Game” we will get a scene revealing a macabre trophy room, sadly, all Baron Von Wolf was a trophy shelf.
• Chris “CT” Tamburello became “famous” on MTV’s reality show The Challenge, which is its own kind of dangerous game, but his thespian skills are subpar at best nor does he come across as a competent hero.

 

“I’ve been to worse camps. Have you ever heard of Crystal Lake?”

Directed by Justin Lee, this rendition of Richard Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game” is a pitiful attempt at revitalizing a classic tale. Despite its promising premise, this film falls flat on its face faster than its protagonists can run through the jungle. The acting – or lack thereof is quite remarkable, the cast seems to have been plucked straight from community theatre, or more accurately, they deliver performances so wooden you’d think they were auditioning for a middle school play. While some projects can be described as an “Embarrassment of Riches” this one is simply embarrassing, and even seasoned actors like Tom Berenger couldn’t salvage this train wreck of a script. I also hope you like flashbacks as they are peppered through the film like mouldy bread crumbs.

 

We’re not talking Saving Private Ryan here.

And speaking of the script, it’s riddled with dialogue so cringe-worthy that it veers between the laughable and the downright painful. I rolled my eyes so often I thought they might get stuck in the back of my head. But the real tragedy of this remake of The Most Dangerous Game lies in its direction as Justin Lee seems to have forgotten the basic principles of filmmaking – like how to build tension or create a sense of urgency – and the pacing is so sluggish that I nearly dozed off halfway through, and the action scenes were about as thrilling as watching paint dry. The story is supposed to kick off with a shipwreck but Lee had no budget for such things, so instead of a thrilling sequence of a ship sinking and men struggling for their lives we get Sangar sitting in his cabin and hearing muffled explosions, which triggers a PTSD flashback, and then suddenly he’s washed up on the beach.

 

Is this a metaphor for everyone’s career being washed up?

The cinematography by Eamon Longis while serviceable lacks much in the way of creativity, relying on tired visual tropes without adding anything new to the genre and the action sequences are poorly choreographed and lack impact, failing to generate any levels of real excitement or tension. The film’s editing is also embarrassingly bad as many scenes end by simply fading to black as if the filmmakers simply ran out of money while shooting. Then there is the lack of blood and gore. When remaking a story that has been told dozens of times and you don’t have the talent to bring much originality – not to mention talented actors or crew – the least you can do is give us some good gruesome kills. Alas, this is another area where Justin Lee fails us.

 

Even the villain gets a weak-ass ending.

What is disappointing is that the decision to set the movie sometime after World War Two could have worked, with Sanger a veteran of the conflict could have resulted in him becoming a more interesting threat to our villain, sadly, this was not to be the case, instead of our lead acting like a seasoned soldier he encouraged sleeping instead of pro activity and demonstrated negligible survival skills. And this is the crux of this film’s problems, there isn’t one character who is even remotely believable. The plot hinges on some pretty basic and fundamental ideas, that have been explored time and time again over the years, yet director/scriptwriter Justin Lee – and yes, he not only directed this piece of crap he wrote it as well – completely misunderstood what is required to make this type of story work. The key ingredient being that “If we don’t care about the characters, we won’t care about anything.” I do want to know who Casper Van Dien’s dialect coach was because his German accent was hilarious.

 

“I watched a Hogan’s Heroes marathon as preparation for this role.”

In the end, 2022’s The Most Dangerous Game is a forgettable mess of a movie that fails to live up to its potential and is nothing more than a terrible combination of non-actors paired with bored veteran actors who are simply trying to earn enough money to stave off being sent to the Actors Retirement Home. Save yourself the agony and skip this one – unless, of course, you enjoy 95 minutes of your life on cinematic mediocrity.

Surviving the Game (1994) – Review

A film where a bunch of white rich assholes chase a black man through the woods is an entry that is already on very shaky ground but New Line Cinema was not the kind of studio to shy away from such a controversial subject, nor were they known for thoughtful subtext or even text for that matter. Thus, we get this particular strange outing that pits Ice-T against Rutger Hauer.

The premise? Oh, it’s a gem. In this outing we have Ice-T playing a homeless man who’s down on his luck and gets roped into a twisted game of cat and mouse by a group of wealthy thrill-seekers, led by the diabolically cheesy Rutger Hauer. It’s like Richard Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game” meets a budget version of Die Hard with a side of campy ’90s flair. The hero of this movie is the aforementioned homeless man Jack Mason (Ice-T) who becomes despondent when he loses his only friends, fellow homeless man Hank (Jeff Corey) and his pet dog, but just as he is about to commit suicide a volunteer soup kitchen worker, Walter Cole (Charles S. Dutton), stops him and suggests that he go and see his partner Thomas Burns (Rutger Hauer) about taking a job as a hunting guide.

 

“I see from your resume that you don’t have a resume.”

Mason takes the job and is flown out to a remote cabin surrounded by hundreds of acres of deep woods, where he meets the men that he will be “guiding” on this hunt. In addition to Burns and Cole, the party includes Doc Hawkins (Gary Busey), the founder of the hunt and a psychiatrist, Texas “oil man” John Griffin (John C. McGinley), and wealthy Wall Street executive Derek Wolfe Sr. (F. Murray Abraham) and his son Derek Wolfe Jr. (William McNamara), the latter of whom is at first unaware of the true purposes of the hunt. As this is an adaptation of Richard Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game” it is quickly revealed that each of these men has paid $50,000 for the privilege to hunt a man and that man is, of course, the idiot Jack Mason who thought his expertise as a street person would somehow translate to that of a wilderness hunting guide.

 

Law and Order: Special Dumb Unit.

What follows is your standard stuff, with Jack Mason turning out to be more resourceful than expected and the overconfident hunters getting picked off one by one, as if they were sexually charged teenagers in a Friday the 13th movie. Unfortunately for us, his resourcefulness only works because the men chasing him are complete idiots and terrible shots. This leads to some fairly uninteresting clashes in the woods as our hero runs from one set of bushes to the next while the rich asshats bumble around. And we are left with such questions as “Can you really track a man through the woods while driving an ATV at 60 mph?” This movie does sport a talented cast, even including Oscar-winning actors like F. Murray Abraham, but aside from Gary Busey who is a lot of fun here, the rest seem to be in paycheck-cashing mode.

 

The Mortgage Payment Theatre Troupe.

Stray Observations:

• The idea of rich assholes hunting homeless people had already been a year earlier in the John Woo film Hard Target with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
• While dumpster diving, Mason finds a handgun and pockets it, hoping to get at least $20 bucks for it, not once thinking he could be carrying around a weapon used in a crime.
• Charles S. Dutton plays the most aggressive soup kitchen worker I’ve ever seen. Mason simply walks by his 7th Street Mission yet the man stalks him down the street practically demanding he take a job from his partner, one that he isn’t remotely qualified for. Not a big red flag at all.
• Actor John C. McGinley is no stranger to playing assholes who hunt men through the wilderness. The very same year that this film came out he was in Steven Seagal’s “classic” On Deadly Ground.
• F. Murray Abraham’s character brings his son on this hunt without telling him that the prey will be a human, with some such bullshit reasoning about making him a man, but all this does is endanger the entire criminal enterprise if the son doesn’t go along with this madness and then informs the authorities.
• This movie may be a cheap imitation of “The Most Dangerous Game” but it does include a nice trophy room scene.

 

Not since Futurama, have I seen a better collection of heads in jars.

As a connoisseur of adaptations of “The Most Dangerous Game” this entry left me sorely disappointed and questioning why I even bothered to invest my time in it. Directed by Ernest R. Dickerson, Surviving the Game attempts to blend action, suspense and survival elements into a cohesive narrative but it ultimately falls flat on its face. The script simply fails to deliver characters that are beyond one dimension, as if giving “tragic backstories” is enough to keep us invested. And let’s not forget the dialogue these actors were forced to spew out, which ranges from cringe-worthy to downright laughable. Even with their sinister monologues and menacing stares, this group is about as threatening as a Boy Scout troop. The great Rutger Hauer comes across like a discount Bond villain who is auditioning for a community theatre production. You almost expect him to twirl his moustache and cackle maniacally at any moment.

 

“All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain”

This a far cry from Rutger Hauer’s villainous turns as android Roy Batty in Blade Runner or the psychopath John Ryder from The Hitcher, two films where he gave us truly memorable antagonists, opposed to here where he’s just playing a rich schmuck who gets his kicks chasing men through the woods.  Much of the film’s problems are due to Eric Bernt screenplay, which to begin with isn’t that interesting of take on such a well-worn premise and worse is that it wastes a great cast as it gives them very little to do. In fact, the only real interesting moment in the film is when Gary Busey gives this bizarre dinner monologue about the origin of his character’s scar, which Busey wrote and not Bernt. It’s a right bonkers speech and Busey completely commits to it, sadly, he’s the first hunter to lose to Mason and thus the chances of further moments of lunatic genius are gone.

 

“I knew I shouldn’t have overshadowed the screenwriter.”

To make matters worse, the film’s attempts at social commentary feel forced and heavy-handed. The portrayal of the wealthy elites as heartless hunters preying on the less fortunate is ham-fisted and lacks nuance, coming across as little more than a cheap attempt to add depth to an otherwise shallow storyline. The action sequences, which should have been the film’s saving grace are poorly executed and lack any sense of tension or excitement. The choreography is clumsy and the special effects are downright amateurish. It’s clear that the filmmakers were trying to emulate the success of other action-packed survival movies, but they missed the mark by a wide margin. On the plus side, the movie is shot on location at Lake Wenatchee and Wenatchee National Forest so if nothing else, we get some nice scenery to look at.  At least when someone’s not chewing it.

 

“I forget, which one of us is the crazier one?”

In conclusion, Surviving the Game is a forgettable mess of a movie that fails to deliver on its promising premise – any fans of Richard Connell’s short story or its many adaptations will find nothing here of worth.  So save yourself the time and frustration and skip this wilderness fiasco altogether. There are far better survival thrillers out there deserving of your attention.