Captain America was created by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby as an answer to
Adolph Hitler but who then grew out of his WWII origins to team-up with
modern heroes and to eventually end up leading The Avengers. Captain
America is the heroic icon of honor and perseverance. Steve Rogers does
not give up whether he’s fighting Nazis or sentient robots, but do you
know who else also doesn’t give up? Hollywood. And because of that
sticktoitiveness
we have had Cap showing up in various incarnations over the years. In
1944 they gave us a Captain America serial and though limited by a low
budget it was the Cap from the comics. Flash forward to 1979, once again
television gets its grubby hands on the old Red, White and Blue and
it’s a whole other story.
In 1978 CBS had a hit with
The Incredible Hulk starring Bill
Bixby and Lou Ferrigno, so it’s not surprising that they’d try and see
if lightning would strike twice, it didn’t. Now
The Incredible Hulk
series pretty much abandoned all elements from the comic book character
aside from “Scientist turns green and large when angry” and grafted
that element to basically a rip-off of
The Fugitive. This
worked mostly because of Bill Bixby’s charm and kids everywhere loving
to see a green Lou Ferrigno bashing through walls. Now a year later CBS
gave us a Steve Rogers/Captain America that is just as divorced from its
comic book origins but in this case it fails miserably. Let’s see why.
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"Just me and my sweet, sweet ride." |
Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) is a former Marine who has left the military to
drive around in his van in the hopes of turning into Jack Kerouac. Gone
is the physically weak man with the heart of a lion who is willing to
be transformed into a Super Soldier so that he could fight evil. This
Steve Rogers just wants to hang around at the beach sketching young
children.
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So this isn't totally creepy, right? |
When Dr. Simon Mills (Len Birman) tells Steve that his father developed a
special serum called F.L.A.G. (Full Latent Ability Gain) that would
enhance a person’s strength and reflexes, poor Steve is barely
interested. Sadly it turns out that Steve’s dad used his own genetic
make-up as part of the formula so that if anyone else used F.L.A.G. it
would eventually kill them, but as a son he carries the same genes so
it’s possible that it could work on him. Steve wants no part of this
because it doesn’t involve his van, sketching or just hanging out at the
beach.
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Endless summer. |
A friend of Steve’s father calls for help but Steve is too late and thus
he finds himself investigating the murder of this scientist/friend who
may have been selling state secrets. Evil villain Lou Brackett (Steve
Forrest) finds out about Steve’s involvement and wonders if he may have
heard the dying man’s last words as to where a missing microfilm might
be, he is also worried that Rogers may eventually be given F.L.A.G. and
become a threat to his evil plans. In one of their attempts to get
Rogers, our poor “hero” is sent flying off a cliff.
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Safety Tip: Do not make motorcycles out of explosives. |
Steve is fatally wounded and is dying on the operating table when Dr.
Simon Mills steps in and administers the F.L.A.G. serum to save his
life. This does in fact save his life and of course this pisses Steve
Rogers off for some bizarre reason.
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"We can rebuild him, stronger, faster, beefier than before." |
He refuses to be tested to see if he’s gained the benefits of the serum
because he doesn’t want to know if it’s worked or not. “I’m not
unconscious now, the choice is mine. I don’t choose to play.” Our hero,
ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately the villains of this piece didn’t
get the memo that Steve can’t come out and play and they try and capture
him again. With his enhanced strength he makes quick work of the thugs.
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Time for Rocky Balboa work-out |
Later Dr. Mills explains to Steve that his father wasn’t just a
scientist but that he fought crime and corruption in high places and
that his enemies mockingly called him “Captain America.” So Rogers
finally agrees to help and become a secret government agent. He gives
Dr. Mills a sketch “For your scrapbook.”
Steve Rogers shows up at a top secret testing ground to find out that
Dr. Mills has tricked out Steve’s van so that it now includes a hidden
compartment that conceals a super-bike that can be launched out the back
via a turbo boost. Steve has fun time driving his awesome Captain
America bike down some dirt trails and over an Evel Knievel ramp when
suddenly a helicopter loaded with bad guys show up.
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"Viva Knievel!" |
Once again these thugs are taken out with a minimum of effort and
action. But while all this was going on Steve Brackett kidnapped two of
Steve’s female friends, found the missing microfilm, completed his
neutron bomb and now plans to blow up a major US city. With the use of
super hearing (borrowed sound effects from the
Bionic Woman),
Rogers discovers that the bomb is at Brackett’s oil refinery and so at
the one hour twelve minute mark of our ninety-seven minute movie we
finally see Steve Rogers suit up as Captain America. To say it was not
worth the wait is a gross understatement.
Before Captain America can go after the truck and the bomb he must
rescue the two damsels in distress which involves him throwing his
shitty Plexiglas shield that also serves as his bike’s windscreen, and
spraying oil all over the ground to make the security guards slip and
slide.
Not really the action pack scene one hopes to see when viewing a Captain
America movie. He does manage to save the women but the bomb has been
moved out via truck to the Phoenix Interfacial Gold Depository where,
because it’s a neutron bomb, it will only kill the people and leave the
gold unharmed.
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This film contains more than one type of bomb. |
Steve and his bike get a lift via helicopter so they can track down the
evil truck, but they have to be careful because Brackett has rigged the
bomb’s trigger to his heart, if his heart stops the bomb goes off. So of
course the only solution is to get aboard the truck and bend its
exhaust pipe so that the truck’s exhaust floods the cargo area.
Yes, in this movie Captain America takes out the villain with carbon
monoxide poisoning. He then has to quickly perform CPR on Brackett to
prevent the bomb from going off. So for those of you that wanted a
version of Captain America where he was forced to become a hero and then
asphyxiates the villain to save the day, well then this is the film for
you.
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"Is Megaforce hiring?" |
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