Mike's Movie Cave

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

2008-08-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

Up for some high adventuring fun, action packed sequences and heroes you can really get behind? Then I suggest you go see The Dark Knight again and skip this mess. In this third outing of the Mummy franchise not only have the elements from the first one gotten tired but the writers aren't even trying. Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, who are mostly known for being the creators of Smallville, keep throwing story elements into the mix as fast and as furious as possible so they could, in what is a futile hope, keep the audiences reeling from sensory overload so they wouldn’t notice that none of it made a lick of sense. Rob Cohen steps in for previous director Stephen Sommers and brings the kind bland action style you’d expect from the director of such notable films as Dragonheart, XXX, and Stealth.

The plot revolves around an Evil Chinese Emperor (Jet Li) who while looking for the secret of immortality ends up cursed by a Good Witch (Michelle Yeoh) because, as well as evil; he was a jealous bastard who had her lover torn apart by horses. So the curse petrifies the Emperor and puts him and his 10,000 warriors on hold for a few thousand years. Enter young Alex O’Connell the son of Rick and Evelyn O’Connell, who has grown up from the last film to be only 13 years younger than his parents, and it is he who uncovers the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. There is of course a young Chinese girl who is guarding the tomb (i.e. love interest for young O’Connell and daughter to Michelle Yeoh’s character), a nasty Chinese general who wants to lift China back into its days of glory, and then there is Rick and Evie who are bored with their early retirement and hope that another adventure will spark up their sex life. All these elements, with a heaping helping of double crosses, comic fumbling, and daring do, result in the Emperor waking up and getting back to his search for immortality.

A few things that annoyed me:

1) That the young Chinese girl has a dagger that is the only thing that can kill the Emperor, yet we are never told how this weapon came into being, was it part of the curse? Did she find it in a box of cereal? And why not just stab the petrified Emperor with it and call it a day instead of guarding his tomb for two thousand bloody years.

2) Our heroes travel to Shangri-La to stop the Emperor from gaining immortality (which apparently will also allow him to awaken his terracotta army, and once again we are not told why this would be the case), and upon arriving at Shangri-La we spend all our time in a boring cave that houses the Pool of Immortality, and only get one sweet shot of the beautifully verdant valley bellow. Apparently Michelle Yeoh has been guarding the pool all these years while her daughter has been guarding the tomb, but it would be nice to find out what the hell is going on in Shangri-La. Is Michelle Yeoh the only inhabitant? We never see anybody else with the exception of a trio of yetis.

3) The route to Shangri-La can only be discerned by placing a giant blue diamond at the top of a little golden pyramid, a diamond which the villains possess, so as a back up plan our heroes place explosives all over the pyramid in case the Emperor and his followers get passed them. Here’s a thought, why not smash the crap out of the device that will house the diamond and reveal the location to the bad guys?

4) That the Emperor had gained the ability to control the five elements; earth, water, air, fire, and wood while conquering China yet once awoken from his cursed state he somehow gains the ability to turn into a three head fire breathing dragon and a giant ape type ogre. Was that part of gaining his immortality, and if so than why didn’t we get Michelle Yeoh turning into a dragon as well as she is immortal as well?

5) Worse is that we get Jet Li turning into King Ghidorah at the end of the second act and for the final fight in the third act he occasionally turns into this lame hairy monster. If my army is being attacked by a raised army of my dead enemies, who mostly look like walking kindling, I think becoming a fire breathing dragon would be the way to go.

6) The fight between Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh was something I was really looking forward to and it was all to brief and weak as monkey piss. Most of the martial arts fighting in this film are handled by Isabella Leong who plays the daughter of Michelle Yeoh, and she’s damn cute but she’s no Michelle Yeoh.

Watching this film one completely understands why Rachel Weisz backed out of it after reading the script, it’s just not very good, and all the CGI and stunts can’t hide the fact. What’s weird is that I’d still say it was more entertaining than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls. Still don’t rush out to see this piece of cinematic fluff, just stay home and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark again, or if you must get out of the house go out and see The Dark Knight.

Galactica 1980

2008-01-19T09:58:00.001-08:00

While we await the return of the new Battlestar Galactica I thought it would be nice to take a look back at one of the landmarks in television history… Galactica 1980 . The original Glen Larson series was canceled after only one season, even though it had huge ratings it was just too damn expensive. A massive letter writing campaign made the execs at ABC and Universal rethink the cancellation (And yet we couldn’t save Firefly?) and so they decided to bring the show back, but with a few changes (i.e. less money spent). Having the series spend at least 95% of it’s time on Earth saved them a bundle but with Cylons missing from most the episodes (reduced to glorified cameos in most) it really makes for a poor spin-off. On the plus side Galactica 1980 is damn fun to watch as it is simply one of the goofiest things I’ve ever seen aired on Network television (this from a guy who watched Manimal and Automan), and that kind of entertainment value is pure gold in my book.

“The great ship Galactica, our home for these many years. We've endured the wilderness of space, and now we near the end of our journey: We have at last found Earth.”

The first three episode story arc is entitled “Galactica Discovers Earth” and takes place thirty years after the original series had ended (main reason for this being that Dirk Benedict wasn’t available and Richard Hatch wanted nothing to do with the project), and starts with the Colonial Fleet finally reaching Earth. Things unfortunately are not as good as Commander Adama (Lorne Green) had hoped as he finds out from Dr. Zee (Robbie Rist who played cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch), resident boy genius aboard the Galactica, that Earth isn’t advanced enough to help defeat the Cylons (Adama is shown stock footage of our movies and television shows as proof of this), and worse yet it appears that the Cylons have been sneakily following the fleet these last few years. So basically the Galactica lead the Cylon Empire to the last humans in the universe. Way to go Adama.
Dr. Zee shows video of Cylon raiders attacking footage from 1974’s Earthquake to an assembled group of the fleet’s top personal, this includes Lieutenant Dillon (Barry Van Dyke), Captain Troy (Kent McCord playing a grown up Boxey), and Commander Xavier (Richard Lynch), but lucky for us the images shown are just a simulation of what would happen if the Galactica was land in a 70s disaster movie. So their big plan is to have the fleet veer off away from Earth before the Cylons figure out that it was the original target, while several groups would fly down to Earth (equipped with cloaking devices and flying motorbikes) to visit several different countries and secretly help the scientific communities so that some day they will be ready to fight off the Cylons. Dillon and Troy get the United States as their goal and their first mission is to contact renowned scientist Doctor Mortinson (Robert Reed), and the first step in doing this is to rip-off The Day the Earth Stood Still by barging into the Doctor’s lab, fix the formula he had been working on for three years, and then leave.
Meanwhile back on the Galactica Commander Xavier is not happy with the current plan and tries to convince Adama that he himself should lead a team back in time and accelerate Earth’s technological advancement so that when the Cylons do arrive the Earth will be ready for them. Though time travel is possible (like everything else on this show it was invented by super whiz kid Dr. Zee) it has never been tested and the dangers of meddling with the past is too much for Adama and he refuses to support the plan. Xavier of course just goes ahead and steals a ship equipped with time warp capabilities (apparently untested and dangerous doesn't mean you shouldn't equip all your ships with it). Dillon and Troy are quickly recalled from their original mission and are sent after Xavier, now teamed up with local Los Angeles reporter Jamie Hamilton (Robyn Douglass) the trio must travel back to 1940’s Germany to stop Xavier from helping the Nazis with their rocket program. Of course our heroes thwart Xavier’s dastardly plan, but even so Xavier manages to escape through time at the last minute. Adama later informs the trio that Xavier has headed back to the 18th Century America to muck around with the Revolutionary War. Jamie agrees to continue to help the Galactica group in their attempts to stop Xavier.
Unfortunately the Network wasn’t to keen on the time travel aspect of the show and the producers were asked to jettison that idea. So the threat of Xavier altering time was abandoned and left completely unresolved. One can only hope that Richard Lynch is still out there somewhere, somewhen doing his best to make our world a better place.

“Super Scouts” is two part story that deals with Troy and Dillon being forced to land a shuttle full of Galactican children on Earth. Dr. Zee (now being played by James Patrick Stuart) thinks that with the Cylon threat growing daily it’s best to get all the Galactican children safely to Earth and quietly integrate them into society. Aboard one of the Colonial ships Troy and Dillon are schooling the kids about Earth culture when it comes under Cylon attack, and they are forced to head to Earth ahead of schedule. The kids are delighted to find that with Earth’s gravity being less than what they were use to on board their ships that they can now leap thirty feet in the air (That Troy and Dillon never used this ability in the first three episodes is a bit odd and proof that the writers were thrown for a bit of a loop when the time travel story line was abandoned). They quickly disguise the group as boy scouts but unfortunately three of the kids drink from a nearby lake and get very sick as the local chemical plant is dumping their toxic waste into it. Yes, why have a battle through time against a madman bent on world domination when instead you can battle corporate irresponsibility and greed. Much more exciting. Also introduced in the “reboot” of the season is Air force officer Colonel Sydell (Allen Miller) who is charged with investigating UFOs and hounds our rag-tag bunch. I assumed he was intended to be the Inspector Gerard of the series but strangely he only lasted one more episode. Also introduced in this episode is a Super Flying Saucer that, no surprise here, was also invented by Dr. Zee.

“Spaceball” (Mel Brooks not involved) This episode has Troy and Dillon being lured away on special mission by the evil Xavier, who has apparently returned to the present (no explanation is given as to what he may have done while back in time), and is now disguised as Captain Nash (Jeremy Brett of Sherlock Holmes fame). Xavier plans on kidnapping the children to use as bargaining chips in his bid to remove his now outlaw status. Troy and Dillon find themselves floating dead in space in a Viper sabotaged by Xavier, and with their oxygen supply slowly diminishing. Meanwhile Jamie does her best to handle the twelve kids dropped in her laps while also avoiding the investigating Colonel Sydell who is sure those kids are extraterrestrial. The episode ends with a climatic little league game with the kids using their extra strength to defeat their opponents (thus the "clever" episode title) as Troy and Dillon arrive in the nick of time to run off Xavier. Unfortunately Colonel Sydell gets a laser blast in the gut from Xavier during the fight, and is replaced in the next episode by Colonel Briggs (Mark Peter Richman). I guess Barry Morse was busy.

“The Night the Cylons Landed” In this two parter a highly advanced Cylon scout ship crash lands outside New York City on Halloween night. Aboard the ship are Cylons that can pass for human (though inside they are still all wires and hoses), one of these new models and a classic centurion survive the crash and seek out way to send a transmission to the Cylon armada to alert their brethren that the lost colony of humans has been found. Troy and Dillon take a commercial jet to intercept the invaders and while on route end up thwarting a hi-jacking. Upon arriving in New York the two spend as much time dodging Colonel Briggs’ dragnet as they do tracking down the Cylons. Meanwhile the Cylons crash a Halloween party, kidnap Wolfman Jack, and force him to take them to the radio transmitter atop the World Trade Center. Of course once again our heroes arrive in just the nick of time to shoot it out with the bad guys. This is the last episode to feature the government trying to track down and I must mention the wonderful disclaimer that follows each of the episodes that includes the Air Force, “The United States Air Force stopped investigating UFOs in 1969. After 22 years they found no evidence of extra-terrestrially visits and no threat to national security.” Well, that’s a relief.

“Space Croppers” Cylon Raiders attack the fleet, especially targeting the Agro Ships, in the attempt to force the Galactica to lead them to Earth as the Colonial fleet will be quickly out of food. Troy and Dillon partner up with a down and out Latino farmer who is being oppressed by Rich White Man (Dana Elcar), who rules the local Grower’s Association with an iron hand, and who also has dammed up the river to prevent water getting to those people he feels are beneath him. The Super Scouts return, and with reporter Jamie tagging along, they use their powers, along with Galactica’s superior technology, to plow the fields and plant the seed in record time. Then the Galactica Super Flying Saucer creates and seed clouds with super nutrients that grow them a crop over night. The episode ends with the Rich White Man losing his stranglehold on the valley. This was certainly the lamest of the series.

“The Return of Starbuck” This episode begins with Dr. Zee stating, “Adama, I had a dream.” And it’s from that we get the best episode of the series (and I'd say better than anything we saw in the original series) as Dr. Zee tells of his dream about a great warrior named Starbuck. So we finally find out what happened to Starbuck in what is basically an interesting remake of Hell in the Pacific. Starbuck’s ship, damaged in combat, crashes on a desolate planet marooning him as the fleet dares not return to find him with the Cylons so close on their heels. At first he believes himself to be all alone, but then he finds the remains of a crashed Cylon Raider and his loneliness (three days of being alone is enough to crack Starbuck) causes him to repair one of the “dead” Cylons. After he convinces the Cylon not to kill him the two become a nice "odd couple" as they bicker and argue about what it is to be a Cylon opposed to being a human, and a bond begins to form between them. One night the Cylon realizes that his companionship is not enough and that Starbuck needs a woman, so he goes off to find him one…and he does. This episode is so good I dare not spoil any more of it.
Dirk Benedict (as a favor to Glen Larson) returned in what was basically a last ditch effort to prevent cancellation. Alas it failed and many questions have been left unanswered. The dialogue in this episode reaches levels brilliance never achieved before as the Cylon, named Cy by Starbuck, develops quite the sense of humor, and reminded me a lot of Marvin the depressed robot from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Aside from the farming episode I found myself really enjoying this show immensely, well worth the $25 bucks I paid for it, and I can heartily recommend it to any fans of good campy fun. The one thing that may annoy viewers (even more than the introduction of the Super Scouts) is the character of Dr. Zee who mainly sits in a chair and bosses Adama around. Worse is that Adama, at times, seems like a doddering old man waiting for Matlock to come on. Overall the acting is what you typically get from an 80s show of this genre and the highlights really come from the cameos. The effects are low grade and laughable, and you could make a drinking game with every time they use the exact same shot of the flying motorbikes taking off over the city, but all said and done this show is a great way to kill ten hours.

The Last Legion

2007-08-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

The Last Legion follows in the footsteps of Antoine Fuqua’s King Arthur in that it gives us Roman origins for the Arthurian stories, and sure there are historians who believe that Arthur may have been a Roman soldier, and who knows they might be right, but I for one would rather see the end of such movies that expand on this idea as these two attempts have seemed clunky, forced, and lacking in…what’s the word…oh yes, MAGIC!

Today's film is directed by Doug Lefler who is most notably a storyboard artist but has directed episodes of Xena and Hercules as well as the straight to video sequel to Dragonheart, and truly this movie could easily have been just an extra long episode of Xena as the Warrior Princess was constantly running into historical figures like Caesar, but the script provided for this film by Jez and Tom Butterworth wouldn’t even have made a particularly good episode. The movie does have its Xena equivalent character with the Eastern warrior woman Mira (a very hot Aishwarya Rai), and her fight scenes are one of the few good elements of this film, but not enough to save a film that is loaded with dialogue so cheesy that it wouldn’t be out of place in a Spanish sword and sandal flick. The cast is overall not that impressive with only a couple real “marquee” names in the credits, Colin Firth who plays the heroic General Marcus Aurelius (for those of you that have dying to see Mister Darcy wielding a Roman sword and spouting clichéd speeches, well this film is for you), and Sir Ben Kingsley (I really wonder how many bad films you have to do before they revoke your knighthood) who plays Ambrosinus, the young Caesar’s teacher, and not to spoil anything but….psst he’s actually Merlin.

The film starts with the usual ponderous narration by Kingsley about a sword of great power that was forged for the conqueror Julius Caesar and passed down the line of his descendants until it reached that of Emperor Tiberius, and on his death it was hidden away safe from evil men. For generations it lay hidden in a secret place and marked by the symbol of the pentangle and sword, under the Very gaze of Caesar, while many searchers, such as Ambrosinus, sought its mysterious location. Later we find out the sword was forged from a fallen star and given to Julius Caesar, and I must say it’s a shame my history teachers left out that cool factoid.

The story proper starts off with the coronation of the last descendant of Caesar, and to our dismay it turns out to be Romulus Augustus (a ten year old kid with the survival instincts of a lemming), and whose reign is cut short when the Goths, who claim to have been short changed by the Romans, storm the palace and capture the city. The capture of Rome is pretty easy and apparently only takes about 10 minutes. Odoacer, the Goth king (Peter Cullen), spares the young Caesar, and banishes Romulus to the island of Capri under the watchful I of the villainous Wulfila (Rome’s Kevin McKidd), and he’s the character I had most sympathy for as he wanted to kill the little snot.

General Marcus Aurelius survives the attack and with the help of Mira manage to rescue some of his men, and so this loyal band, which includes a large black Rastafarian and an Orlando Bloom wannabe, set off to rescue young Romulus. It’s while running around the island fortress that Romulus finds the secret chamber that holds the sword, which is located under the giant pentangle symbol that everybody seems to know represents the sword of power. That the fortress was created by the last person to own the sword makes you wonder how hard these searchers were looking. What is even more ridiculous is that after the kid activates the secret way in it’s revealed later that the chamber has so many entrances that I’m surprised they didn’t have a hotdog concession down there. One of the entrances was even a bloody grotto that opens onto the sea! Exactly how this place remained hidden for so long is the true mystery. Now the important thing is that on a plaque by the sword is prophecy (and really what kind of film would this be without a prophecy) that says “One edge to defend, one to defeat, in Britannia was I forged to fit the hand that is destined to rule.” It’s an easy prophecy to remember as it’s repeated a half-a-dozen times during the course of the film lest we forget.

Shortly after the escape from Capri they find out that the Senators have thrown in with the Goths and that the only chance our group of heroes has is to find the 9th Legion who are stationed in Britannia. Wow, who would have guessed they’d end up having to go there? Well that’s all the detail I’m going to go into for this review, but here are some highlights I just have to mention:

• Our heroes trek to Britannia has them crossing snow covered mountains in such a manner that I kept waiting for someone to complain it was too cold for the Hobbits.

• Wulfila manages to track them all the way across Europe (I bet he can track a hawk on a cloudy day), and teams up with Vortgyn, an evil bastard who is trying to conqueror Britannia. His most notable feature is a gold mask that he wears that has him coming across like a low rent Doctor Doom, right down to the burned face. The mask itself resembles that of Mordred’s from John Boorman’s Excalibur. Why do filmmakers insist on reminding us of better movies?

• During the final battle at Hadrian’s Wall, Romulus, the idiot everyone is fighting and dying to protect, actual wanders up onto the wall, scurries around the fighters, and believe it or not climbs down the other side, and right into the thick of the battle. And for no apparent reason. WTF!

• After the battle is won Romulus declares that there will be “No more blood, no more war,” and he chucks the sword through the air where it of course lodges itself into a stone.

My parting words are simply this, “Can we have magic back in our Arthurian stories, please?” Really, cause if filmmakers are going to make supposed “historical films” that are this ridiculous they might as well put in more fantasy elements. I mean come on, they cast Colin Firth as a great Roman general, how much more fantastical can one get?

Santa Claus: The Movie

2007-03-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

As a genre Christmas movies are probably the most hit or miss, for every Miracle on 34^th Street you have a dozen more like Santa Claus Conquerors the Martians. Now in 1985 the Salkinds decided to take a stab at it and with Supergirl director Jeannot Szwarc at the helm that’s exactly what we got….stabbed.

The movie starts our promising enough as we pan down from a starry sky to a snowy Scandinavian landscape and wood cottage full of people. They are all waiting for their beloved friend Uncle Claus (David Huddleston) to bring toys for all the children as he does every year. Many are impressed that Claus can cut wood for the whole village and still have time to carve all the wooden toys he provides each year, but it is his love of children that makes it possible. After giving out wonderfully hand carved toys to the children he and his wife Anya (Judy Cornwell) bid their friends goodbye as they have more stops to make, and even though the weather is getting bad they can’t think of disappointing the children who live on the other side of the forest. The storm intensifies and soon their reindeer collapse in exhaustion as the snow whips around them. Claus embraces his wife as the winter storm takes their lives.

The Northern Star appears and a cone of light descends on the frozen countryside and out of it steps a large contingent of elves. Claus, his wife, and reindeer all wake up as the group of colorfully dressed little people approach. They are led to their new home at the North Pole where they are informed by the Ancient Elf (Burgess Meredith) that Claus is The Chosen One and will fulfill the duties of the prophecy. That is live forever and give out toys to all the children of the world. And this is where the film runs of the rails and into a morass of boring maudlin scenes coated with syrupy crap.

At 108 minutes the film really drags with overlong montages of the elves making toys, endless shots of Santa flying around with his reindeer pulled sled, and it’s not until about the 40 minute mark that the real plot of the movie starts to rear its ugly head. A seemingly overworked Santa Claus promotes an elf named Patch (Dudley Moore) to assistant, but his radical ideas of mass production results in shoddily made toys and unhappy children on Christmas morning. A now disgraced Patch runs away to prove he is useful. Of course he ends up hooking up with the films villain B.Z. (John Lithgow) an evil toy manufacturer who is being investigated by a Senate committee for producing dangerous products. Throw in a poor little boy who lives on the street and the rich girl (also stepdaughter of B.Z) who befriends him and you may need to take a couple of insulin shots to survive a viewing of this film.

About the only real enjoyment I got out of this film was watching Lithgow hamming it up with the evil cranked up to eleven, but as his character doesn’t show up until the hour mark it’s really not worth the wait. Like Supergirl this Christmas disaster just seemed to meander around without purpose, now Jeannot Szwarc pretty much stopped directing movies after Santa Claus: The Movie but has made a decent mark for himself in episodic television (he even directed an episode of the excellent show Heroes). So if you’re looking good Santa Claus movie keep on moving as this one is not going to fill the bill.

Beauty and the Beast (1946)

2007-02-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

La Belle et la Bête, Jean Cocteau’s version of Jeanne-Marie LePrince de Beaumont timeless tale, is one of the most purely enchanting films I’ve ever seen. It’s dreamlike qualities draw the viewer into a world of magic and wonder with out a singing teapot in sight. I really enjoyed the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast but now having finally seen this classic 1946 film and I must say the French really know how to tell a good fairy tale. As Disney-fied versions go their animated version is actually quite good (Hunchback of Notre Dame being one I can't even watch without cringing) but it left out much from the original story. Now even Jean Cocteau took some liberties with this classic tale but it is ruthlessly faithful in many areas, and it's because of this that I think it is the superior version, and only the wonderful songs in the Disney film make that one stand out in comparison.

Belle, played by a radiant Josette Day, is one of four children; she has two wicked sisters, Félicie and Adélaïde (who seem like they stepped right of Cinderella), and Ludovic, her brother, who is a bit of a wastrel who spends much of his time hanging out with his friend, and fellow scoundrel, Avenant. The once rich family has fallen on hard times, much to the chagrin of the Belle’s two sisters who believe they should have been married to Dukes and Princes, and Belle has been reduced to being basically a scullery maid. She is not forced into this position it’s just that if she doesn’t none of the work will get done, as her sisters spend all there time complaining about their lot in life while the brother drinks and loafs around with Avenant. The “friend” is constantly pushing himself on Belle and urging her to marry him, she begs off saying she must stay and help her father, but the real reason is plainly that he is a colossal jerk.
Then good news comes, a merchant ship believed lost has come to port, and with the goods on board the family may be rich once again. When the father readies to depart Félicie and Adélaïde bombard him with request for dresses, jewels, and even a monkey. He asks Belle what she would like and all she wishes for is a simple rose as none grow in the area. Unfortunately when he arrives at the port city creditors have seized his goods and he must return home through the dark foggy forest at night, as he cannot even afford a single nights lodging. He is soon lost as high winds besiege him, and when the end seems near for the poor man trees magically part revealing a large castle. He walks his horse onto the castle grounds and is startled as the stable doors open on their own and his horse steps in freely. He calls out but gets no response. He approaches the castle and the main doors open onto a long hallway lined with candelabras. This the point where I would see about getting my horse back as the candelabras are held by arms that just jut out from the walls, and they point and guide him further into the castle. Belle’s father is a far braver man than I as he hits sits down at a dinner table that has an arm sticking out of it’s center, and which pours a glass of wine for him. He falls asleep in the chair under the watchful eyes of the castle’s living (and very creepy) statuary. Come morning he wakes up and wanders the castle grounds once again calling out for his host, it’s then he spots a rose push and remembers Belle’s wish, but the moment he plucks it the Beast appears and tells him he was free to take anything he liked but the roses as they are his most cherished possession (you’d think it would have been a good idea to maybe post a sign or something), and now for this breach the poor man must die. When he begs for his life and mentions he has three daughters to care for the Beast offers him a way out, he can leave now and send one of his daughters back to take his place, but if none want to die in his stead he must return on his own. He is given a magical horse (it is revealed later that the castle doesn’t quite exist completely in our world, and one wonders how the father stumbled upon it) that will take him too and from the Beast’s castle.
The horse quickly carries him home and there he regales his family with this latest turn of events. The sisters quickly blame Belle for this as she requested the rose in the first place, of course the father had no intention of sacrificing any of his children he only came back to say good-bye to them, but Belle is insistent that she takes his place, while Ludovic and Avenant want to slay the Beast. The father tells them the Beast is much too powerful, and then proceeds to pass out from some feverish illness. Taking this opportunity Belle mounts the magical horse and rides to the castle of the Beast, but instead of being killed and eaten she is made mistress of the house and any whim she has will be answered. She is provided a lavish room with a magical mirror that allows her to see anything she wishes, and the only stipulation is that every night at 7:00 when she dines the Beast will appear. Each night he does and on each night he asks, “Belle will you marry me?” She of course declines the offer but slowly her feelings towards horrible looking creature turns from fear, to pity, to a deep caring. It is a lonely existence in the castle, though she has come to really look forward to her dinners with the Beast, but it isn’t enough as she misses her father and wishes to see him one more time. The Beast tells her that if she leaves and does not come back that he will surely die. She promises to return in one weeks time, and the Beast, to prove his faith in her, he gives her the gold key to his treasure trove and source of his power. The Beast than gives her one of his gloves which when put on will teleport her back home instantly, and though it be night here in the castle it will be day at her families home.
She bids the Beast adieu, puts on the glove, is transported back home (she comes through the wall of her bedroom in a rather cool in camera affect), and then places the key and glove on her nightstand. Of course not all are glad of her return, and upon seeing the bejeweled gown and tiara that Belle is sporting the sisters instantly start plotting against her. The two wicked sisters suck Ludovic and Avenant into their plot promising they will all be rich if they can get the Beast spoils. After rubbing onions into their eyes to work up some tears, the girls run to Belle and tell her how much they love her and can not bare the thought of her leaving again, and that they will die of she does (this the only part in the film where my sympathies for Belle waned, as anybody gullible enough to believe these two women deserves what ever she gets). While hugging and crying they manage to steal the gold key and get Belle to promise she will stay with them a little longer. Unfortunately the hiccup in their plans is that none of them know how to get to the Beasts castle, but lucky for them the lonely Beast has grown despondent for his missing Belle and has sent the magical horse to retrieve her. Avenant and Ludovic, golden key in hand, mount the horse and ride off to rob and slay the Beast. Unbeknownst of these events Belle checks on the Beast with the magic mirror and sees him lying still near the castles pond. She puts on the glove and instantly finds herself in her bedroom, but quickly realizes she has forgot the key, and she pops back home to get it. She frantically searches the room, but to no avail as the key is no where to be found, so she puts that glove back and rushes to find the ailing Beast.
Meanwhile Ludovic and Avenant arrive at the castle and spot the treasure room. When Ludovic sticks in the gold key the door is infused with a glow, and Avenant yanks it out fearing that if they open the door it may set off a trap (okay if you’re not going to use the key what was the big deal about getting it?), and so the scale the walls and peak down through the skylight. Below them is a glorious golden hoard, treasure worthy of a dragon, but no such serpentine creature guards it, just a statue of Diana goddess of the hunt, and so Avenant smashes the glass of the skylight and has Ludovic lower him down.
Over by the pond Belle finds the dying Beast who tells her that now that she has returned he can die happy. Belle will have none of that talk and tells him how much she loves him, and that she cannot live without him, that she will gladly be his wife.
Back in the treasure room the statue of Diana turns and fire her bow, and nails Avenant right in the back. He falls to the ground and as he dies he transforms into the visage of the beast.
Belle is startled when her dying Beast suddenly turns into a handsome prince. (Jean Marias of course played the Beast, Avenant, and Prince Charming). At first she is quite taken aback by this change and comments, “You remind me of a friend of my brother,” and not as if that is a good thing. Belle has realized that the beauty within is much more important than any outward appearance. The Beast then tells Belle that he will now take her to his home, and they ascend into the clouds. Where they are going is left to the imagination.

Now the one thing you won’t get from my rather long-winded review is just how beautiful this glorious black and white film is. From the spooky forest, to the haunted halls of the castle the look of the film never ceases to be anything but a perfect fairy tale, with some of my favorite moments of Belle running in slow motion as if in a dream like state, and her letting the Beast drink from her cupped hands. I just can’t recommend this film enough.

Killer Workout

2007-02-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

I was kind of hoping this film would be about Jane Fonda going on a killing spree or maybe Susanne Summers knocking people off with her killer thighs, but this unfortunately is not the case; instead we’re treated to over a dozen deaths with most of them being committed with a giant safety pin. Yes you heard me right, you’ll find no chainsaws, axes, or gardening implements dripping in blood in this movie, nope the makers of this film went for the most original weapon they could think of, it’s just too bad the writers never actually came up with a reason for the killer to use this particular device.

This is going to be a rather spoiler filled review so for those of you who don’t want the twist and turns and shock ending ruined for you please refrain from reading further until you’ve seen the film, of course all the surprises in this film are so over telegraphed and obvious that they would have a hard time shocking a five year old. But who am I to deprive others of the joy and pain I suffered while watching this flick. Well now that you’ve been duly warned let’s get into the meat of this baby.

The film starts off decently enough with a woman returning home and checking her answering machine. One of the messages states she has landed a modeling assignment in Paris for Cosmopolitan magazine; the only stipulation is that she has a tan. Full of excitement at her future prospects the young beauty immediately heads to the local tanning salon. This is where her luck takes a turn for the worse as the tanning bed she chooses malfunctions resulting in roaring flames, and not the all over even tan she desired. The poor woman screams and thrashes pitifully to get free, but she is unable to extricate herself.
We now jump ahead five years (we aren’t actually informed that five years has elapsed until much later in the film, my guess is they couldn’t afford the “Five Years Later” superimposed graphic) and find ourselves at Rhonda’s Work-Out. We are introduced to Rhonda Johnson the co-owner of the gym, she is a witch with a capital “B” and between chewing out employees and fending of advances by Jimmy the gym’s resident sexist pig she just stomps around scowling at everyone. The gym itself is full of people dressed like they escaped from Olivia Newton John’s Physical video, and are happily doing their aerobic workout with smiles verging on the insane plastered to their faces, and get use to those smiles because even as the death toll rises the smiling and exercising just never stops.
Before we get on to discussing the killings I should mention the music and songs written for this film, to call them 80’s bubble gum pop is an insult to most of the crap that came out in that time period as these songs are truly horrendous with such great lyrics as “She's a knockout, you better watch out, She'll take you out!” and from my personal favorite song entitled Aerobicide chants “Working out until you die!” over and over again. Not much in the way subtlety are they?
Now we best move on to the murders in this film before you, my gentle readers, nod off. If this movie is lacking anything it’s certainly not in the body count area. And our first victim is an attractive black woman who is taking a nice long shower while her fellow health nuts call it a day and head off to wherever pretty people go when they’re not exercising. In this scene I’ll give props to the filmmakers for avoiding what dozens of cheap slasher films have done in the past, by not ripping off shots from Hitchcock’s Psycho. Mind you the scene is so poorly edited, and shot that they would have been better off stealing a bit from Hitchcock. The girl is brutally stabbed to death with aforementioned giant safety pin, and what’s truly amazing is the amount of blood that can be generated without there being any wound actually visible. Maybe it’s some magical property of the safety pin? One of the employees later finds the body stuffed in a locker, but not before a lame fake scare involving a resuscitation dummy in another locker.
Enter Detective Lieutenant Morgan to solve the case, but he’s got competition as Chuck Dawson, the gyms new employee, is actually an undercover private investigator, hired by the gym’s senior partner to see what’s going on. Unfortunately as the death toll climbs they both prove to be about as effective as the water tight doors were on the Titanic.
Aside from safety pin stabbing, we are treated to throat cuttings, a hanging, and heads caved in by barbells, all handled in such a way as to not let us get a good look at the killer, even though it’s obvious it has to be a woman as all the men in the film look like models for steroid abuse, and the hands and physique of the killer are rather slender.
At one point the coroner comments, “I’m running out of body bags.” I’m not an expert on the law or police procedures, but I find it hard to believe that the place is not only allowed to open the morning after a body is found on the premises, but that it isn’t closed down after the fifth or tenth victim. My only guess is that the never seen senior partner must be the mayor of the city. And of course these horrible murders will certainly not stop the customers from showing up every day, with smiles firmly in place
Chuck “Super Sleuth” Dawson suspects sexist pig Jimmy of being the killer, and breaks into his place where he finds a rather cheesy shrine to Rhonda. Jimmy, who is incredibly jealous of Rhonda, eventually kills our “hero” Chuck, and is soon on the lamb as everyone now believes he’s the killer. Things start to come to a head as we are treated to exciting fisticuffs, thrilling foot chases, and nail biting gun play (oh dear my sarcasm meter just broke). Until Rhonda blows poor Jimmy away and of course is treated by the media as a hero.
Now everyone’s happy, that is everyone but Detective Morgan whose investigations led him to discover that Rhonda Morgan is in fact Valeria Johnson the woman who we saw burned in the tanning bed accident. She now wears a wig and a full body Lycra suit to hide the burns that cover seventy percent of her body. Morgan believes she killed all those people because they are all beautiful and perfect like she use to be, and it eats her up that nobody can ever look at her body again without feeling sick. With the murders resting on the deceased Jimmy it appears that Rhonda/Valeria has gotten away with it and there’s nothing are hapless flatfoot can do about it…or is there? On the pretense of police business he lures Rhonda out into the middle of the woods to “show” her something, and she never questions why he’s carrying a shovel. After trudging for awhile through the woods she refuses to go any further and Morgan’s response is, “This will do just fine.” He sticks the shovel into the dirt and starts in a monologue on how is dad was a great cop and how he was forced to cross the line between good and bad when a serial killer got off on a technicality. The murders resumed until one day the killer simply vanished never to seen again, and Morgan knew that his dad had killed him. Now he is going to follow in his dad’s footsteps to keep Rhonda from killing again. Stupidly he turns his back on her during his speech and she grabs the shovel and kills him.
Cut to the gym where Rhonda has shown up to pick up her keys. An employee tells her how business is booming since the city has made her a hero, and that by mid week this place will be packed to the walls with beautiful people. When the employee leaves we see Rhonda pull out her key chain which is surprise, surprise, a giant safety pin. She smiles evilly at the camera, and roll credits.

The people involved in the making of this film must have seriously thought that if the had enough deaths, and plenty of T & A on camera that nobody would notice how completely lame the so called plot was. It seemed that almost every scene was preceded by shots of women working out at the gym, with some shots veering right into Airplane type parody by just showing close-ups of the breasts bouncy up and down. As for the acting…well if I was told they just grabbed people off the street and had them reading off cue cards I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised. So if you’re a true film masochist feel free to check this flick out, if not your better off watching any number of the Friday the 13th movies.

Cursed

2007-02-02T07:08:00.000-08:00

When it comes to horror movies the werewolf has always been treated like the vampires ugly stepsister. Where the vampire are often portrayed as a suave, mysterious, and charismatic creatures of then night, the werewolf is usually just a slobbering monster that will either tear out your throat or maybe piddle on your carpet. When you’re turned into a wolf you don’t get to spout lines like, “Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.” At the most a werewolf gets to do growl and howl at the moon a lot. So you are not going to get Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt type actors clamoring for these types of roles, instead you get B-list movie actors, or in the case of Cursed you also get refugees from Dawson’s Creek and Gilmore Girls.

The number of good werewolf films can probably be counted on one hand, for every Howling and An American Werewolf in London you have to wade through a lot of cheese like Teen Wolf, Underworld, and Van Helsing. This brings us now to Wes Craven’s foray into the genre, where he is once again teamed with writer Kevin Williamson. In this film these two men trot out every cliché and stereotype in the book, and guess what ladies and gentlemen the end result is a movie that never once takes itself seriously, and if you come along for the ride you will have a lot of fun.

The film starts with two gorgeous women Jenny and Becky (Mya/Shannon Elizabeth) wandering the midway of a fairground where Mya spots a gypsy fortune teller and wants to find out if Shannon’s love interest is ever going to call again. But instead of getting a bunch of expected hokum about their true love they are both told their future is full of BLOOD!

Meanwhile Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg) the school nerd is making moves on the typical school princess who though nice is always dating the school jock/asshole. We then jump to Jimmy’s sister Ellie (Christina Rici) who is having relationship problems of her own with Jake (Joshua Jackson) a seemingly nice guy who appears to have commitment problems.

Later Ellie picks up her brother and its while driving home that things take a turn for the worst. Something big and hairy bounces off their windshield and their car careens out of control, sideswipes another vehicle and sends that one of the road and down a wooded embankment. Trapped in the car is Becky, and she is a little freaked out because she smells gas and is afraid the car may explode…if only she were so lucky. Just as Jimmy and Ellie are about to get her free something hairy and with a whole mess of teeth grabs her and drags her into the woods. The brother and sister try in vain to save the girl but are only rewarded with bites of their own.

For those of you who have seen the Jack Nicholson film Wolf you won’t be surprised that are two leads start developing some new characteristics. They become more confident; their senses are heightened, as well as increased strength and agility. The brother, being a geek, quickly figures out that it was a werewolf that bit them, that they have been cursed, and that it’s only a matter of time before they start sprouting hair from unwanted places.

The film has a lot of fun with the genre much in the way Craven and Williamson had fun with Scream series. The film isn’t really frightening, and only provides you with the occasionally jump scare, but it is very entertaining, with few nice story turns, and many good laughs. My only real complaint would be the lack of the rules. In every vampire or werewolf film it is important for your audience to know which rules from the canon of film history are going to apply in this one. In An American Werewolf in London the change was triggered by the full moon, and silver wasn’t needed just plain old lead bullets was fine. Now in the Howling you could change into your bestial form at will, but silver was required to dispatch the beast. In Cursed both the moon and silver are mentioned, but silver doesn’t kill the creature it only hurts it, and apparently the werewolf can change back in forth from its furry form as along as it’s during a full moon. How that actually works is never really addressed, but that’s just nitpicking at what is basically a “Check Brain at Door” type of movie and if you go into the theatre with the right mindset you should have a good time.

Mindhunters

2007-02-02T07:05:00.000-08:00

First off this film does not star Val Kilmer and Christian Slater, despite what the ads may imply, they possibly worked a couple of days, cashed their cheques, and then took off as fast as they could to the nearest strip club or casino. This is truly another Renny Harlin masterpiece and moves him closer into the realm of Uwe Boll, as there isn’t an ounce of originality in a single frame of this film. The rest of the cast consists of relative unknowns with the exception of LL Cool J and Jonny Lee Miller. The story revolves around a young group of FBI agents who desire to be profilers (that’s people who try to get inside the heads of serial killers and the like), and Val Kilmer plays Jake Harris an eccentric teacher at the academy who takes the group to an isolated island for their final training exercise. The film wastes no time in turning into just another run of the mill slasher flick, (that is if Jason or Freddy were into Rube Goldberg type death traps) where we are dished out the old Agatha Christie routine of “and then they’re were none” as each character is knocked off one by one, and everyone suspects everyone else. If you’ve seen My Bloody Valentine, April Fools Day, or any of the psycho killer flicks from the seventies or eighties then you won’t find anything new here. Characters constantly walk off alone when off course the most sensible thing to do when you don’t know who the killer is to just all stay in one room together until help arrives in the morning. No, instead we are treated with great dialogue such as, “You stay here and watch him while we check this out.” The moments that follows that kind line never bodes well for the characters. There is one scene in particular that just had me rolling my eyes in disbelief; while examining a staged crime Christian Slater activates one of the Rube Goldbergian traps that is in the form of a series of falling dominoes. The fact that the entire group just stands dumbstruck as they watch the dominoes click-clack their way across the room is truly astounding as not one of them has the brains to think, “Hey if a psycho killer set this up maybe it would be a good idea to…oh I don’t know…stop them?”

Now in all fairness there were some pretty suspenseful scenes, and the acting overall was more than adequate, but the fact that I had guessed who the killer was at about the fifteen minute mark made enjoying the rest of the film that much more difficult. Even if you don’t figured out from the first subtle clue Mister Harlin provides there’s a few more that are served up like beach balls. So all the finger pointing an accusations made by each of the characters just comes off as annoying when it’s so obvious who the killer is.

That this film was originally planned to be released in 2003, then postponed, and then lost for a time isn’t surprising. Why it didn’t just go straight video is what I can’t quite understand

Sin City

2007-02-02T07:03:00.000-08:00

For those of you that are fans of the Frank Miller graphic novels you are in for a treat as this the most faithful translation of a comic to screen that has ever been done, and for those people who haven’t read the original Millar stories get ready for movie that grabs by the lapels and drags you kicking and screaming into a world of sex and violence and style.

Robert Rodriquez and Frank Millar have created a modern day film noir classic. Their use of black and white with the rare infusion of colour is simply gorgeous to behold. And I’m sure guest director Quentin Tarantino had a ball playing around in this world. The movie contains four stories from the Frank Millar graphic novel; Sin City, which was the first book and featured the Frankenstein like anti-hero Marv played beautifully by Mickey Rourke, That Yellow Bastard which stars Bruce Willis a one of the few good cops in Sin City, Clive Owen plays the killer with a new face in The Big Fat Kill, and Josh Hartnet brackets the movie with a bit I believe is from The Babe Wore Red.

For those who haven’t read the book I’ll give you a quick breakdown in the three main stories.

Hartigan (Bruce Willis) is an honest cop in a city full of corruption, and it’s his last day before he’s forced to retire due to heart condition. He could just take it easy but there’s a little girl out there that needs his help, a pedophilic murderer has her and time is running out. Hartigan’s partner (Michael Madsen) wants him to just hang back and wait for back up as the rapist (Nick Stahl) is the son of Senator Roark (Powers Boothe) a very powerful man, and it’s best to let things go. All I’ll say is he doesn’t. The second story revolves around Marv (Mickey Roarke) who spends the night with a woman named Goldie (Jamie King) who takes him to heaven and back, but when he wakes up from his drunken stupor she’s dead and the police are closing in. Realizing he’s been set up he literal burst into action and the carnage that ensues on his quest to avenge her death is awe-inspiring. The third story is about Dwight (Clive Owen) a murderer that had his faced change to keep out of the gas chamber. He’s hooked up with Shelly (Brittany Murpy) a girl with a past who has problems with her ex-boyfriend Jack Rafferty (Bencicio Del Toro) who likes to smack women around. Dwight falls right into the roll of Lancelot and chases Rafferty and his pals into Old Town (The area of Sin City ruled by the prostitutes) where they run into trouble with the girls, and it’s all Dwight can do to prevent a war from breaking out.

Now the women of Sin City are something to behold; there’s Jessica Alba as Nancy the stripper with the heart of gold, Rosario Dawson as the tough as nails dominatrix Gail who holds Old Town together. Devon Aoki as the silent but deadly Miho a ninja who helps Gail keep the girls safe, Carla Gugino plays Lucille a lesbian parole officer who supplies meds to poor confused Marv, Jamie King as Goldie the woman Marv vows to avenge, Alexis Bledel is working girl Becky (This is quite the departure from her Gilmour Girl role), and Brittany Murphy as Shelly a woman trying to get out from under a real nasty ex-boyfriend. And those are just the highlights as the city is just overflowing with gorgeous women.

The film plays with time, much in the way that Pulp Fiction did, the stories overlap, as you’ll see one character in the background that we saw dead in an early story, and this is much in keeping with the books in that aspect. The film is very Rated R and the violence is extreme, and I believe the only reason it won’t get an NC-17 is that much of the gore is in black and white. So those of faint heart beware as it’s a pretty intense film, but it’s one hell of a ride.

The Adventures of Superman

2007-02-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

"Faster than a speeding bullet!
More powerful than a locomotive!
Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound!"

Superman has seen many incarnations from movie serials to cartoons to blockbuster movies, and now Bryan Singer is about to unleash his version of this iconic hero with Brandon Routh donning the cape, but when it comes to a live action version of Superman there is, in my humble opinion, only one actor who truly owns that role, and that would be Christopher Reeve. Now if asked who is the best Clark Kent…well for me that would be George Reeves, he wins that contest hands down. In 1951 the producer of the Superman radio show was asked to bring the lone Kyptonian to television, and the part went to a tall, dark and dashing man, who made his movie debut with a bit part in Gone With the Wind as one of the Tarleton twins. Now George Reeves may have needed a little padding to fill out the Superman costume, but as Clark Kent he was everything a person could want in a hard-hitting reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper. There was none of the slapstick comedy and nerdy behavior that would show up in later interpretations, he was tough, smart, and would often take on thugs while in his Clark Kent persona. Lois on occasion called him a coward when he didn’t volunteer to rush off into danger with her, but she was also quick to realize that Clark was the smarter of the two, and often would try and scoop stories he was working on.

The Adventures of Superman was definitely low budget television, and the effects and sets certainly make that pretty obvious, but what really stands out is how violent a show it was. This was no Saturday morning show for the kiddies as mainly dealt with gangsters and their ilk. People were beaten up, tortured, drugged, and murdered on a weekly basis on this show. In the episode “The Stolen Costume” a gangster and his moll discover that Clark Kent is Superman, and when they threaten to expose his secret to the world he takes them way up north to the top of a mountain. He tells them that he’ll be back with food but that they will have to stay here until he can figure away to protect his secret. They don’t trust Superman so when he flies off they try and climb down, and end up falling to their deaths. In the episodes denouement Clark doesn’t seem all that choked up about the fact that he is indirectly responsible for their deaths, for in this first season he isn’t quite the Boy Scout he is depicted in later shows. Now Superman never actually kills anybody, but if you discover his secret identity you may want to run out and purchase some life insurance.

Now a little bit about the supporting players; Lois Lane (Phyllis Coates in the first season), Jimmy Olsen (Jack Larson), and Perry White (John Hamilton) along with Clark Kent seemed to make up the entire staff of the Daily Planet. Aside from the occasional janitor or secretary I don’t remember seeing any other employees, and I’m not exactly sure how a “Great Metropolitan Newspaper” could survive with just an editor, two reporters, and a Jimmy Olsen (what his job actually was is never made clear as Lois is often the one with the camera, so I guess maybe he’s just a glorified gopher or cub reporter). Aside from Clark one must really wonder about their intelligence, it is almost always Kent who solves the mystery (and then saving the day later as Superman), but the real shadow that is cast over the human staff of the Daily Planet is their complete failure to figure out Clark’s big secret. It’s as if Kent knows how dumb they are because he is constantly dropping clues and practically waving his powers in front of them on ever other occasion. In the episode “The Case of the Talkative Dummy” Jimmy Olsen is locked in side a safe and is being lowered out a sixth floor window when the rope of the block and tackle starts to give, now down the street Clark and Lois are at a stop light (they suspect Jimmy is in danger and where driving across town to find him), Clark spots the safe and exclaims, “Lois, Jimmy is in that safe!” Lois turns to ask Clark how he could possibly know Jimmy is in that safe, but Clark has vanished from the car. The rope breaks, the safe plummets, and is caught by Superman. Is it just me or do you all think maybe Lois rode in the “special” bus to school? In another episode Clark is at his desk when there is a knock at his door, he says, “Come on in Jim,” and sure enough it was Jimmy Olsen at the door. Jimmy asks Clark how he knew it was him, and Clark answers, “Don’t you know I have X-ray vision?” Jimmy laughs, “Oh yeah…just like Superman.” Clark is really having fun screwing with these people, and it’s not just the staff of the Daily Planet that is a bit obtuse when it comes to Superman/Clark Kent; Inspector Henderson (Robert Shayne) isn’t much better. In “Double Trouble” Clark needs to get fingerprints analyzed by American Intelligence officers in Berlin. Jimmy is missing, so time is of the essence, thus he flies over “faster than a speeding bullet” to Europe, and as Clark Kent begins investigating in Berlin. Then once he has uncovered the villains he flies back to Metropolis to Inspector Henderson’s’ office (after donning his Clark Kent clothes) who has just got off the phone with the people in Berlin who mention just saying good bye to Clark Kent. Henderson asks how is it possible that Clark has got back from Germany so fast, and the response he gets is, “Trade secret Inspector.” That Clark can cross the Atlantic in the same time it takes the average person to cross-town would, I think, earn more than the headshake we get from Inspector Henderson.

Now don’t get the wrong impression that these “issues” in anyway take away from enjoyment of the series, in fact quite the opposite, they just add an extra level of entertainment. When Clark “winks” at the camera at the end of an episode it’s like he’s letting us in on the joke. The series lasted for 104 episodes and I for one just hope the level of fun is maintained through out. From despicable thugs to goofy robots this series is pure TV gold, and I can’t recommend it enough.

The Legend of Zorro

2007-02-02T06:55:00.000-08:00

Three legendary heroes get me to the theatre every time no matter how good or bad the reviews are, and those characters would be Robin Hood, Tarzan, and Zorro. Now it was way back in 1998 when Martin Campbell brought us The Mask of Zorro, and it is rather odd for a studio to wait this long to bring us a sequel to a hit film. The reason most given for the delay was that they were waiting for a perfect script…well they should have waited a little longer. I will tell you right off that it isn’t terrible film and that there is entertainment to be had in this outing, Antonio Banderas is still damn good as Zorro, and Catherine Zeta-Jones has lost none of her beauty in my opinion, but the plot they’ve hinged these two quite likable characters on is it’s main failing. Now before I get into the story the other thing that really bothered me about this sequel was the reducing of them film from its previous outing as PG-13 rated film to this much tamer PG version. I have nothing against films that are “Fun for the whole family!” but when the main character is a world-renowned swordsman and yet he never actually stabs anybody with his sword is rather idiotic. In Raiders of the Lost Ark Indiana Jones shoots, stabs, and tosses villains to their deaths and I still consider that film good for most ages (melting faces could scare the little ones), and it was rated PG. So why they made The Legend of Zorro with such a softer touch is a mystery to me. Most of the fights in this film go along the way of clang, clang, punch, clang, clang, kick and so on. Which of course had me wondering, “Wouldn’t he end these fights quicker if it went more like clang, clang, stab?” I’m not asking for Zorro to be lopping off limbs (you really can’t do that with the type of foil Zorro uses anyway), nor do I need to see arterial blood spraying out in bright red fountains, but what is wrong with a quick stab, and then move on to the next bad guy?

Okay now onto the story. In this sequel, which takes place I think six or seven years after the original, we find California voting for Statehood and of course Zorro must prevent evil nasty people from fooling around with votes (and no Jeb Bush does not make an appearance in this film), so once again we see Zorro ride to the rescue in the name of democracy. His people love him and cheer him as he thwarts the bad guys, and rides off into the sunset, but it’s back out home where he runs into problems. You see Diego had promised to Elena (Catherine Zeta-Jones) that once California joins with America he would give up the mask and sword, and spend time with his family. Of course being Zorro is loads of fun and he loathes giving it up, so the two fight and he storms out into the night. Later a couple of scheming Pinkertons blackmail Elena into divorcing Zorro so she can go undercover to investigate an old friend Armand (Rufus Sewell), a smarmy Frenchman who is a member of some ancient secret society that sees America as a threat. We are then treated tedious scenes of her seducing Armand while Diego drinks himself into a stupor every night. Now onto the most extraneous and annoying portion of the movie…their kid. Joaquin, son of Diego and Elena, is your typical precocious, spunky movie kid along the lines of Shortround from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom , and the son from The Mummy Returns. It is also made apparent that Zorro’s acrobatic skills are a genetic trait as we are treated to scenes of the kid doing back flips, and much other daring do with no explanation as to how he learned to do these things. This subplot of the son not knowing that his father is Zorro, and not some foppish Don, and hating his parents breaking up, all of which serves no real purpose to the stories main framework, it seems like somebody tried to turn the Zorro franchise into an action version of Kramer Vs. Kramer.
Even some of the cool action sequences slide right into comic-ridiculous moments. At one point the train Zorro is chasing speeds up so he is unable to board it, so he takes his horse up a rise, follows the train along a raised ridge, and then jumps the horse to land safely on the train’s roof. How veering away from the train to ride up a hill would somehow compensate for a trains increased speed is beyond me, and should be left to professors of physics, and I won’t even go into the consequences of landing a horse on the roof of a moving train.

There are a lot of worse films out there, and as I said earlier there are some cool entertaining moments, but none that I could recommend them being worth the trip the theatre for.

Red Eye

2007-02-02T06:53:00.000-08:00

This film is what you get when you have two very talented actors in service of a really bad script. The movie starts our very promising, letting us get to know our two leads with only a little heavy handed foreshadowing. In the opening shot of the film the camera pans along a desk topped with photos of our heroine Lisa Reisert (Rachel McAdams) and in one of these photos she is playing field hockey…so take a guess at what item she gets her hands on to fight the bad guy for the films climax.
The major problem with the film is the plot that the villains have concocted would be so easily thwarted by our heroine if she had used any common sense at all. And she is supposed to be some uber-hotel manager so you’d think she’d be able to think fairly fast on her feet.

The basic story is that Lisa Reisert is taking the red-flight back to Miami after going to her grandmother’s funeral. She runs into charming fellow traveler Jackson Rippner (Cillian Murphy), and they seem to keep randomly bumping into each other, until the point where the find themselves sitting next to each other on the plane. Of course these meetings are anything but coincidental as Jackson quickly reveals to her that he is some globetrotting killer for hire, and he needs her help. Apparently the Deputy Director of Homeland Security is going to be staying at the hotel where she is manager, and they need her to make a call and have his room changed so his people can have better access to kill him. He then tells her that there is a man sitting in a silver BMW outside her fathers home, and if she doesn’t do as she is told he will call the man in the BMW who will then kill her father. This is where the films plot completely falls apart under this absurd premise. Jackson is unarmed and onboard a plane at 30,000 feet with only a phone to contact his associates, which leads us to the question, “WHY DOESN’T SHE JUST SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!” Instead she tries to leave a note in another passengers book, and in one the most over used movie clichés she writes a note on the bathroom mirror (all of which are discovered and thwarted of course). I lost count of the opportunities this dumb woman had to just run for help. Instead of going to the washroom why didn’t she just keeping on going ahead to the cockpit, or to the stewardess station and inform them about this dangerous man, and find out if there was an air marshal on board. No matter how crazy you seem they will certainly hear you out, and one phone call would confirm that the Deputy Director is staying at the hotel she manages. Then all they would have to do is subdue Jackson and send the cops over to her fathers place to arrest the guy in the BMW, which Jackson was so kind enough to describe to her. End of movie.
Instead we are treated to her running around being chased and fighting off Jackson in some of the most tedious action sequences ever put to film. They even go so far as to have her fleeing through the airport, getting a car, and driving all the way to her dad’s house with out once thinking of contacting the police or airport security. Sure they make some deal about the cellphone she has is low on batteries, but that she hides from the airport police makes no sense at all.

My advice to you is don’t even bother to rent this one, it’s ninety minutes of filler trying to pretend to be a thriller.

Deep Impact

2007-02-02T06:50:00.000-08:00

In 1998 we were treated to two big disaster movies, both involving a comet heading for Earth. Now many people took great joy in poking fun at the ridiculous Michael Bay entry Armageddon, and I would be the first to agree that it truly was a loud, flashy, and utterly stupid film. But as dumb as it was it never took itself seriously while the film I’m reviewing today tried to pass itself off as a realistic look at this type of disaster, with a little family drama added to help us swallow the bad science, and obvious plot holes. Well I’m forced to throw a flag on that play because even though it’s not as preposterously idiotic as Michael Bay’s film that still doesn’t make it a good film, just a better film, and that my friends is faint praise indeed.

The film starts with an amateur astrology group scanning the heavens, and it’s while doing this that Leo Beiderman (Elijah Wood) discovers a new comet. They quickly notify a local professional astronomer Marcus Wolf (Charles Martin Smith) who with just this one spotting can miraculous predict that it’s going to hit the Earth. When in fact it would take several viewings over time to discern the path of the comet. Well let’s move on to one of my favorite bits of plot ineptitude, unable to contact anybody by phone or email Dr. Wolf jumps into his jeep and heads down the mountain where he is killed by one of the worst telegraphed car crashes in film history. But what is truly annoying is the fact that his death serves no real purpose to the plot. We jump ahead a year and find that the government has been working all this time on what to do about the approaching catastrophe. They found the disk in the wreck and named the comet after the two discovers Wolf-Beiderman. (For some strange reason they believed Beiderman died in the crash as well) We are not told that the death of Marcus Wolf delayed the government in finding the comet or had any effect whatsoever. It was just filler and has no bearing on later events.
Meanwhile reporter Jenny Lerner (Tea Leoni) has accidentally uncovered the comet story and she blackmails the President (Morgan Freeman) into getting her a better position at the press briefing, the world maybe ending put at least her career is on track. We of course have to ignore the fact that with the size of this comet it would have been visible to every two-bit yahoo with a telescope, and that there is no way the government could have kept this a secret.
Now on to the plan! They decide to send a group of astronauts up to the comet, plant some nukes, and blow it to kingdom come. When in fact given the time frame they had it would have been more beneficial to try and nudge the comet off its course instead of blowing it up. But that’s just a minor quibble; we’ll get into the problems of blowing it up later. One scene in the film that really angered me was when the young hotshot astronauts give the senior member of their crew, played by Robert Duval, a hard time for being to old and only being on board as a publicity stunt. I can’t believe for a minute that real astronauts would show this kind of disrespect to somebody who has actually landed on the moon. Of course things go wrong and the comet is just broken into two pieces and both are still headed for Earth.
Meanwhile back on Earth the President moves right on to the back up plan, which involves a lottery and moving a crap load of people underground to ensure that mankind survives. Elijah Wood and his family have been pre-selected because he was one of the comet discoverers, but his girlfriend and her family have not been. So what does are stalwart astronomer do? He marries her and is told that now her whole family can come. But on the fateful day when the army buses come to pick them up the girl’s name is on the list but not her family. She refuses to get on the bus and watches as her true love rides away. This scene is almost more idiotic than the one with the disrespectful astronauts, could you for a minute believe any parent would let their kid stay behind and face sudden death? Later when Elijah Wood shows up on a dirt bike as the girl and her family are stuck in a traffic jam, she tearfully hops on behind him, and leaves her parents in the dust. What changed? Did she somehow grow a brain in the last 24 hours?
Back in space the astronauts have come up with a new plan, to nobly sacrifice themselves by flying inside the comet and blowing it up with their remaining nukes. This will take care of the big piece, but the little one will still smack the Earth. Of course blowing up the big one would still doom the Earth; instead of one big piece hitting you will have millions of pieces raining down with same kinetic energy of the original comet creating an explosion with more power than all the world’s nuclear bombs combined. Yeah team! But no, we see a nice little fireworks display kind of like the one at the end of Independance Day. And the World is saved!
We aren’t cheated completely out the carnage we paid our ten bucks to see. The smaller piece does impact somewhere in the Atlantic and a huge wave heads for the shores of North America. I won’t get into the fact that the people in the traffic jam would have been flash fried as the comet streaked overhead, I won’t state the obvious effects that many tons of water would actually have on the New York skyline, I’ll just say this…It looked great. But was it worth two hours of soap operatic drivel that led up to it? My answer is simply no. Save your money and rent something by Irwin Allen.

From Time magazine, "Numbers" section:

$5 million:
Estimated annual cost for a 10-year program that would identify large asteroids most threatening to earth.

$75 million:
Budget for "Deep Impact", a film about the devastation caused when a comet hits earth.

Son of Kong

2007-01-31T10:37:00.000-08:00

It had been years since I last set eyes on Son of Kong, and I had forgotten just how lame a film it actually is. It does go to show us that quick cash grab sequels are as old as the film industry itself. Released a mere eight months after the blockbuster King Kong, it’s sequel pales in comparison on practically every level. RKO decided on two key factors that would insure it made a ton of money, first cut the budget in half (cause that always results in bigger profits), and make it more “kid friendly” as the youth market is were the money is (during the depression I’m not sure what disposable income kids had), but I’m not a big movie exec so what do I know.

The film starts our promising enough with Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) hiding out in a boarding house from process servers, because everyone and his aunt is suing him for the carnage caused by the escaped Kong. Eventually he hooks up again with Captain Englehorn (Frank Reicher) and Charlie the ships cook (Victor Wong) as the only other returning cast members from the original. They set sail just ahead of a Grand Jury indictment, and try to make ends meet by shipping cargo in the Dutch Indies. It’s in the port of Darkang that we meet our other two key players; Hilda (Helen Mack) daughter of a drunken ex-circus ringmaster, who helps her father make a living by singing badly while playing the guitar, and Helstrom (John Marston) who in a drunken brawl kills Hilda’s father, and burns down the tent. Now Helstrom has a connection with the original film as he is the man who provided Denham with the map to Kong’s Island, and now that he really needs to get out of Darkang (Hilda threatens him with going to the magistrate and accusing him of the murder) he convinces the incredibly gullible Denham and Englehorn that there is treasure on Skull Island. Hilda, who also wants out of Darkang, stows away aboard the Venture, not knowing that her father’s murderer is now one of the crew. A coward at heart Helstrom has no intention of setting foot on the dangerous Skull Island, so he fills the unruly crew with stories of how the previous crew under Denham met their fate, and in all fairness he really doesn’t lie about this. There is a quick mutiny that finds Denham, Englehorn, Charlie, and Hilda dumped in a lifeboat. The crew has some sense and they toss the traitorous Helstrom overboard, and he ends up joining the group to Skull Island.

Now here is one of the film’s major problems, it is now about 40 minutes into a 69-minute movie, and we’ve just now gotten to Kong’s island! This is obviously caused by the reduced budget, and the fact that the events on the island itself seem really rushed doesn’t help.

After getting a rude welcome from the natives (they aren’t all that happy with how Denham and company lead a rampaging Kong through their village), the group make their way to the far side of the island, and that is where they meet the son of Kong. While Englehorn, Helstrom, and Charlie march off to look for provision, Denham and Hilda stumble on a small version of Kong trapped in quicksand. Feeling a bit guilty over getting this guys dad killed, Denham knocks over a tree (I’m assuming the tree’s roots were really rotted) and helps young Kong escape. Denham’s line, “He’s not a patch after his old man.” pretty much sums up the whole film. The 12-foot, white haired ape is played completely for laughs, and not particularly effective laughs either. They have given him the cooing sounds of a baby chimp, and the slapstick antics of Max Sennet silent comedy star, none of which makes him a very effective character. When Denham and Hilda are threatened by a giant cave bear (looking more like a guy in a bear suit than a table-top model) young Kong charges to the rescue, and we are treated to a fight that reminded me more of two five year olds fighting over a favorite toy, than it did of titanic struggle of mighty giants. Meanwhile Englehorn, Helstrom, and Charlie have been chased into a rocky nook by a styracosaur (interesting bit of trivia the styracosaur was a left over dinosaur that was cut from the original, it was the dinosaur that chased the sailors onto the log bridge), the dinosaur eats their gun, but fails on it's attempts to kill them, and that it’s for that exciting moment. After stumbling upon some ancient ruins Denham is sure he will find the treasure behind a rock wall, and with little Kong’s help they break into an old temple. Inside the temple they find a huge altar, and hanging from a nasty looking idol is a necklace containing a huge diamond, but of course as you know a dragon must guard all treasure, and a fight ensues. The fight between young Kong and this refugee from a fantasy film is less slapstick in comparison to the cave bear fight, but is in no way in the same league as the Kong/T-Rex fight in the original. When Englehorn, Helstrom and Charlie return (the styracosaur, I assume as bored as the viewer, had wondered away), they are shocked to see this large ape. Helstrom’s reaction to seeing a 12 foot ape is a bit much, after all compared to the dinosaur that chased them the night before little Kong isn't very threatening, but he flees like the coward he is. Then the island sinks. Yep, it’s that out of the blue. One minute Denham is holding his treasure, and the next the whole island is racked by earthquakes, and set upon by hurricane like winds. Why did this happen? Was the temple cursed? Did removing the necklace anger the gods of the island? Your guess is as good as mine. Helstrom, being the evil sniveling murderous coward he is, meets his end in the jaws of a sea serpent. While Englehorn, Hilda, and Charlie are able to make it to the boat, and get free of the cataclysmic events. Meanwhile Denham and young Kong flee for higher ground as the island sinks beneath them, and the heroic son of Kong holds Denham above the turbulent waters long enough for him to be rescued by his friends. Then his hand slips beneath the waves. Our heroes float around the pacific for a while before being rescued by a passing ship, and it’s on board where Hilda basically asks Denham to marry her. The End.

More than the rushed production and reduced budget it’s the tonal shift that makes this film really an unworthy successor to King Kong. The Skull Island we saw in the original was a place fraught with danger at every turn, from the moment Ann Darrow was plucked from the altar by Kong the pace never let up, and yet in Son of Kong you never really get the sense of urgency or danger that was so prevalent in King Kong. Of course the slapstick antics of young Kong certainly didn’t help, between his rolling his eyes, shrugs at the camera, and other goofy antics, he really was more of a cartoon character than anything the viewer could become emotional involved in. I seriously doubt we are going to get a Peter Jackson remake of this one.

King Kong (1933) vs. King Kong (1976)

2007-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

Now that we've seen the Peter Jackson remake I thought it’d be nice to take a look back at the first two incarnations of the mighty Kong. In 1933 Merian C. Cooper and Ernest B, Schoedsack created a film that would change the look of cinema forever. There are many iconic images in film history but almost none are as grand as the site of a huge ape standing atop the Empire State Building, as he swats at attacking airplanes. Now flash forward to 1976 and director John Guillermin and producer Dino De Laurentiis have placed Rick Baker in an ape suite atop the World Trade Center. Let’s just say it doesn’t quite work as well as the original. For many years (long before I heard about Peter Jackson plans) I prayed for another attempt at doing the big hairy guy justice, and I’ve always saw it as a period piece, it only makes sense. Even in 1976 the local police would have had enough artillery on hand to take out gorilla no matter how large, and that in one point in the film, when Kong wades across the Hudson, that they lose track of him is rather ridiculous. (In all fairness to that film the police and army some how managed to lose track of the Rhedasaurus in The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms). Paramount should have realized that some stories could not be properly updated with out straining the laws of credibility. We can buy a pilot of a plane making a pass to close to the grasping arms of Kong, but what the hell was the helicopter pilot in the remake thinking when he got to close. How hard could it be to just hover out of reach and shoot? This guy ranks up there with the idiot chopper pilot in the Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla, who couldn’t shake the big lizard even when one of them can’t fly. So hearing that Jackson was setting the film in the thirties filled my heart with joy. Now let’s do as close of a direct comparison as we can. In the 1933 version it’s Carl Denham, a film producer who forms an expedition to seek out Skull Island to find this fabled beast known as Kong, and to make a motion picture. In 1976 we have the oil crisis, and so instead of a filmmaker we have a greedy capitalist oil executive Fed Wilson (Boo hiss) who is lead to believe that there is oil on the island. So in the original we a have man who actually finds what he was looking for and brings it back alive, and in the remake we have guy who finds out the oil on the island is worthless, so he settles on taking Kong as some kind of consolation prize. Carl Denham had hired Ann Darrow to be in his picture, while Fred Wilson finds Dwan adrift in a life raft. So right off the top it appears that the 1976 version is just relying on luck and happenstance to move the story forward. Once we get to the island the differences become even vaster. The crew lead by Denham find a village cut off from the rest of the island by a massive wall (a wall constructed for the 1927 King of Kings and later torched during the burning of Atlanta), Fred Wilson finds a wall that looks like a left over from Disney’s Polynesian resort. Both walls of course raise the same question, “If you’re trying to keep out giant beasts, what’s with the big friggin door?” When Ann or Dwan are kidnapped and given to Kong both versions run pretty parallel, with one major difference. In the 1976 movie we ask ourselves, “Where are the bloody dinosaurs?” Let’s talk monsters for awhile. In the original the sailors and Kong encounter a stegosaurus, a brontosaurus, a lizard from the pit, a Tyrannosaurus Rex, an elasmosaurus, and a pterandon. While in the remake made decades later we get a really big snake, and not even a particularly convincing snake I might add. The 1933 version's trek through the jungle, as amazing as it is, is not with out its faults. I especially love the one sailor who spots a broken branch as they trail Kong…what? This is a monster that is as big as a house who we just saw knocking down trees to make his way to the wall, and this idiot is noticing a broken branch. This also raises another question, how often do these sacrifices take place? Or do the trees that Kong knocks down belong to some peculiar strain of fast growing plant, if not he really should have a path pretty well beaten down by now. A couple of the dinosaurs are portrayed in a manner that might confuse today’s more educated audiences. Both the stegosaurus and brontosaurus (more correctly labeled today as an apatosaurus) are given behavior one wouldn’t normally expect from a herbivore. Though it is possible that they were very territorial creatures, and treated any incursion as a threat, and we never do actually see the men getting eaten. Still faults and all it really kicks the crap out of a guy in an ape suit wrestling a rubber snake. On to motives, neither film tries to give any kind of reason for why a thirty-foot ape would want with a tiny human, and I don’t buy the "for love thing". I have my own pet theory and am eager to hear people's opinions on it. What would a giant gorilla do with a little woman? Simple…he’d use her for bait. Think about it, you’re a big hairy ape and are the undisputed ruler of this island, so how do you pass the time? We never see a Mrs. Kong (we do get a Son of Kong in the sequel, but I guess we can assume his mom died some time before the King Kong story starts), so how does he get his jollies? The answer is simple…he loves to fight. But after awhile the other creatures on the island would have figured out that Kong could kick their proverbial asses up and down the jungle any time he wanted, so they'd probably avoid him at all cost. So what’s Kong to do? He goes to the village, picks up a woman, and then proceeds to leave her out in the open where any wandering dinosaur might hear her screams. Thinking it’s time for an easy meal the unsuspecting dino saunters up to this tiny morsel, but before he can dig in Kong jumps out, acting all self righteous, to “defend” his property. He then proceeds to rip the poor dinosaur a new one. And thus falls the noble T-Rex, elasmosaurus, and the pterandon. Now the lengths that he goes to retrieve Ann Darrow would suggest that he has grown somewhat attached to her as one would a favorite pet. Okay, back to the comparison. In the original film Kong breaks through the gates, and rampages through the village, killing all who would stand in his way, until he’s dropped by gas bombs thrown by Denham. In the 1976 movie he busts through the door, then immediately falls for the old pit trap trick, and quickly succumbs to the gas placed inside. Not much of a tough call on deciding which one is cinematically more interesting. Both versions gloss over how they got this huge beast from the island and onto the boat, but the 1976 version at least gives us a scene of Kong locked in the tankers hold. Where Carl Denham would have kept him on his boat the Venture is anyone’s guess. Once in New York we find that both Ann and Dwan are to be made media darlings and that they are to attend the unveiling of Kong. In the 1933 version Kong breaks free just shortly after the curtain goes up so one question was left unanswered, “Was the whole show just going to be Kong standing there chained to the platform? Or would there be film shown later or maybe dancing girls?” It does seem that Kong would have been more suitable as zoo attraction rather than a Broadway show, because he certainly wasn’t as talented as his smaller cousin was in the 1949 Mighty Joe Young. In the 1976 film Fred Wilson wanted to use Kong for promotional purposes, “Put a gorilla in your tank!” I’m not sure how this campaign would have worked out in the long run, but it does seem more plausible than people sitting down in a theatre to just stare up at a big ape. I’ve already touched on the problems the remake had when placing the story in a modern setting. Kong is not invulnerable, and I just don’t see him making it four blocks before the local precinct could fill him full of enough lead to bring him down. In 1933 you could readily believe that Kong would give them a run for their money. One of the things that annoyed me in remake was there attempt to make Kong more sympathetic. I thought the original did a fine job of showing us that Kong was just an animal set lose in an environment he didn’t understand, and lashing out in the only way he knew how. But that’s not good enough for Dino De Laurentiis, in a press conference he stated that, “Nobody cry when Jaws die, people gonna cry when Kong dies.” So we are subjected to scenes of Dwan trying protect Kong by trying to get him to pick her up so the helicopters won’t shoot him, while in the much more realistic original Ann couldn’t wait to get away from the terrifying beast that had kidnapped her. Let’s talk effects. Willis O’Brien ( mentor to Ray Harryhausen) was at the top of his game when he created the creatures that inhabit Skull Island, and decades later they still hold up against their CGI descendants. While Carlo Rambaldi’s robot was so bad that it was used for less than a minute in the scene were he breaks free at the Petrox celebration. The rest of the film contains Rick Baker in an ape suit. Mind you it’s a pretty good ape suit, much better than then the one used in King Kong Vs. Godzilla, but it’s still a man in a suit, thus some of the magic is gone. The fact that this film won an Academy Award for this is a crime. The original won no awards because the effect categories didn’t exist back than. Now I haven’t talked about the love story, and the reason being neither film was really successful on this point. But I’m certainly more forgiving of film made in thirties for having cheesy dialogue, and stilted acting. As I’m sure you’ve guessed I’m a huge fan of the original King Kong and have no real use for the remake. Both versions spawned sequels and neither of them is as good as the predecessor, though Son of Kong is leaps and bounds better than the crapfest that was King Kong Lives.

Dogs

2007-01-31T10:24:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure if director Burt Brinckerhoff was trying to rip-off Hitchcock’s The Birds or Speilberg's Jaws, the only thing to be sure of is that he failed to deliver one single cohesive moment in his entire film…so in that way it is kind of a frightening movie. I’ll give him a little credit for bravery as it certainly can’t be easy to make a scary film about domestic dogs turning on their masters, as Maramduke and Benji just aren’t all that intimidating. Most of the attacks are performed by Doberman Pinchers or German Sheppards, but the minute we see that the pack contains a shaggy eyed sheep dog, and a little terrier…well you kind of lose your fear factor.

The movie starts at a university faculty party where we are introduced to our two leads; the first is a beer-drinking professor of biology Dr. Harlan Thompson (David MacCullum), and his newly arrived rival Dr. Michael Fitzgerald (George Wyner). Fitzgerald immediately starts putting the moves on Caroline Donoghue (Sandra McCabe), the universities English professor, and current semi-girlfriend of Harlan. While the two men get into an intellectual version an alpha male pissing contest the party is brought to a halt by a black out. It seems the local community is plagued with power outages due to the experiments at a top-secret government facility that houses a linear particle accelerator. While the party breaks up we are told of an ominous dog attack, one of the professors while giving a lecture the other day was attacked by a Seeing Eye dog. This is brushed of as just a freak occurrence but on the way out of the party Harlan is intercepted by Jimmy Goodman (he maybe some kind of law enforcement but it’s never made clear), and is told that one of the local cattle ranchers has had more of his cows attacked in killed, so something more sinister maybe going on. The two drive out to the range and find a cow that has been viciously torn apart, but apparently not eaten, and the bite marks are not consistent making Harlan realize that they are dealing with a pack.
The next day we are treated to a lecture given by Fitzgerald, who tries futilely to teach a group of students (not one looking hardly under thirty) about pheromones, but has little success, as they seem all to be about as dumb as posts. He vainly tries to explain that some creatures give off an odor that when they form a larger collective it increases their intelligence, and radically changes their behavior.
Meanwhile Harlan is being informed that more cattle have been attacked and killed, and that the rancher has vowed to kill the beasts himself. Of course that night the rancher meets his fate at the jaws of a pack of dogs. Harlan hears of this and drags his date to the morgue to check out the body (he really knows what a lady likes), and confirms that a pack of dogs are roaming the hills. Then the morgue is plunged into darkness, as once again the linear particle accelerator drains the town’s power, and totally freaks out his date.
A group of dogs way lay a student on his motorcycle, and when a good Samaritan runs out with her dog to see what the commotion is about, is startled to see a group of domestic dogs tearing into the poor motorcyclist, but she is shocked even more when her own little pooch turns on her.
With the deaths mounting Harlan and Fitzgerald run to the dean of the university (this community seems to almost consist solely of people employed by the university or students so the dean seems to be the de-facto mayor). They try to get the dean to warn the populace about the dangers, and to have them lock their pets up at night. He of course refuses because he doesn’t want to start a panic, but during the meeting he receives a call and is informed that a kindergarten dog show went horrible wrong as the dogs suddenly turned on the crowd. The dean is still reluctant to do anything, but is eventually forced to notify the Governor, and after more cajoling by his wife, he informs (while assuring the Governor that the base with the linear particle accelerator is fine), that they may have a little dog problem.
After the attack on the kindergarten class a group of hunters, lead by Jimmy Goodman, form a posse (yes they call themselves a posse), and charge off into the night to find the dogs. They don’t have any luck, but just as they decide to make camp they hear howling all around them. Scratch one posse.
Meanwhile Harlan and Fitzgerald return to the university to perform an experiment on a dog (the dean lent them his), to see if in fact pheromones are the problem. If it is pheromones they plan on hosing down all the dogs with a stronger odor, thus canceling out the bad one. Their experiment (which involves locking the dog in a small cage covered in plastic while oxygen is pumped in, and don’t ask me what this is suppose to achieve as we are never told) is interrupted by unearthly howls, which causes the dog to go berserk, break out of the cage, and run off into the night.
Our two heroes decided maybe they should get some help and run over to the police room (and I do mean police room, and not police station as it consists soley of one tine room with a desk, a radio and a gun rack). The room is empty and only when Harlan opens a closet do they find the torn up body of the on duty officer (this could be Jimmy Goodman who survived the attack on the posse, and we last saw bleeding and crawling his way into his car, but we never get a look at his face). They grab the keys to the gun rack and outfit themselves with a couple of rifles. They then come across one of the teachers fighting for his life against a large dog; Fitzgerald shoots at the dog but ends up hitting and killing the teacher instead. Harlan puts a round into the dog, and wisely decides maybe they should split up (to quote Peter Venkman, “Yeah... we can do more damage that way.”) Fitzgerald runs to the campus residence and tries to get the students to all gather together at the library. This involves going outside, and running from building to building, completely in the open (not the best plan in my opinion), and this results in a major dog attack. Even those that make it to the library don’t fair too well as it’s front is glass, and is shattered when a dog pushes one of his victims through it. Mass carnage ensues, ending with most everyone dead except Fitzgerald who just sits in a catatonic state, next to a female victim.
Harlan had raced over to his girlfriend’s house with the brilliant plan of getting out of town (well after pouring himself a drink first), but the two quickly find themselves chased out of the house, and into the adjoining garage. Unfortunately Caroline left her purse with the keys to the car in the kitchen, so the pair seemed trapped. Harlan tries to hotwire the car saying, “I haven’t tried this since I was ten years old”, which is an odd age to be hotwiring cars, but either he was no good back then or has lost his touch, as he is unsuccessful. The dogs start chewing through the drywall, and coming through the vents (Harlan tells Caroline that aside from the assumed hive mind the pheromones have caused it must have also given the increased strength as well), so they then lock themselves inside the car.
Morning comes and all is quiet, so Harlan sends Caroline into the house to get the keys (without even taking a peak in himself to see if the coast is clear, the bastard!), and she opens the door to the kitchen to be confronted by a pack of angry dogs. She screams and then joins Harlan in a mad dash across the street to his car, they hop in and drive away. On route out of town they come across a police car that has run off the road, and next to it is the bloody remains of Fitzgerald (I’m hoping somewhere there is a scene explaining how catatonic Fitzgerald commandeered a police car, and then met his fate on the outskirts of town). They turn on the radio and are informed that there has been like incidents all over California, but as yet the death toll is unknown, and does seem to be limited to just dog attacks. The car drives off into the distance as the camera zooms in on a tawny cat, it meows, and the camera freeze-frames on it. The End.

Ignoring the leaps in logic our main characters make, or even forgiving them the complete and utter stupidity of their actions, my biggest problem was with mysterious government facility with the linear particle accelerator. For the first hour some idiot or another mentions it about every ten minutes, and yet we never go there, and no connection is made between the facility and the dog attacks. None! Instead the movie ends with the word of dog attacks all over the state. I can only assume there were maybe earlier drafts of the screenplay that involved the facility, and were cut for budgetary reasons, and we were just left with the remnants of them that they didn’t bother to excise. This was Burt Brinckerhoff only foray to the big screen, as he is mostly known for TV shows, and after this outing I’m surprised that let him go on to work on such classic shows as Alf. So be warned that if you are flipping through the channels late one night and you come across this “dog” keep on flipping, it’s not worth your time.

The Poseidon Adventure (2005)

2007-01-31T10:20:00.000-08:00

Rushing to the small screen, to attempt to cut the legs out from under Wolfgang Peterson’s big summer remake, was this absolutely dreadful version of Paul Gallico’s book (to make things more insulting they name the captain after him), so don’t expect to see anything even remotely close to the 1972 Irwin Allen movie. Some shots are even lifted directly from Allen’s version, but done with cheap looking CGI effects. The biggest change from the original story is the terrorist angle, instead of a rogue wave capsizing the S.S. Poseidon it’s the explosion of a bomb, set off by your generic Middle Eastern bad guys, that causes the ship to roll over. I didn’t see this change adding any dramatic tension to the survivor’s escape, aside from the stupid inclusion of one of the terrorists in the group of survivors trying to escape the doomed ship, which I just found completely unnecessary, and was barely even dealt with. I swear the writers forgot about his existence half the time.

In the first scene we are given a raid on a warehouse that contains a group of Middle Eastern terrorists who are plotting three major strikes on “soft” American targets. Places outside the Continental U.S. but still big enough cause a major bloody nose to the American people. The raid is only partly successful because they can deduce that the targets were for land, sea, and air, but the information on the sea target has been destroyed. Three guesses on what that target is, and the first two don’t count.

Now let’s meet our cast. First we have the Clark family, and the head of this family is Richard Clark (Steve Guttenberg) a failed novelist who is supported by his very successful wife Rachel Clark (Alexa Hamilton), we have the hot daughter Shelby (Amber Sainsbury), and the annoying son Dylan (Rory Copus), who runs throughout the whole movie with his video camera, thinking he is a Spielberg in the making. This is a very dysfunctional family, and the fighting and bickering tells us all one thing…that this disaster tonight will bring them all closer together. (Blech) The fact that Steve Gutenberg’s character is so unlikable, and has you praying for him to go down with the ship, doesn’t help. He ends up in the arms of the ship’s onboard masseuse in one of the worst written onscreen affairs that I’ve had the displeasure of witnessing.
But where is our hero? Oh look people it’s Adam Baldwin as Mike Rogo (kind of the role played by Ernest Borgnine in the original but not really), trying hard to lose whatever affection we may have had for him in Firefly. Rogo is a Sea Marshal, and is working for Homeland Security. When he is told by Captain Paul Gallico (Peter Weller) that this is the safest ship in the world we are treated to a sample of Rogo’s sharp wit, “It’s safe until it isn’t.” Wow, he should give up marshaling, and write fortune cookies for a living.
Okay let’s quickly sketch out the rest of the cast; there is Bishop Schmidt (Rutger Hauer in the Gene Hackman role), Belle Rosen (Sylvia Syms filling in for Shelly Winters) who I guess for budgetary reasons is a widow in this version, and then there is the Doctor Ballard (C. Thomas Howell), who has aged so much I barely recognized him, and when he starts hitting on the Clark girl it just made my skin crawl. Last and certainly least is Bryan Brown as some producer of a “Pop Idol” show, who is traveling with his new wife and third prizewinner of said show.
Somehow fooling the background checks of the cruise line the terrorists have infiltrated the S.S. Poseidon as members of the kitchen staff, and have smuggled aboard two bombs hidden inside beer kegs. A murdered crewman has Rogo hot on their trail, but he is only able to prevent one of the bombs from going off, and the blast from the portside bomb causes the ship to roll over.
Due to his affair being exposed by his hotshot videographer son, Richard Clark has moved in with the masseuse, and is in bed with her when the bomb goes off. So with new girlfriend in tow they make their way down to the ballroom to find his family. Meanwhile things haven’t gone all that well in the ballroom, as everyone was tossed ass over teakettle as the ship was capsized. The stunts for the most part were decent but nothing to write home to mom about, and only the cheap CGI duplication of the man’s fall into the skylight is really offensive. As for the CGI effects of the big boat itself…let’s just say they’re as bad as expected and move on.

As in the original there is a division on what course of action to take. The Chief Purser insists they all stay and wait for rescue, while others think the best bet is to climb up through the ship, and hopefully make their way to the hole the bomb made in the hull. Quite a sensible plan, and I can’t see how anybody could possibly argue with it, yet the purser actually threatens to have Bishop Schmidt fired when he decides to join the group that is leaving. I had no idea a ships purser had that kind of pull with the Vatican. The group that leaves is lead by Rogo who insist on bringing the one surviving terrorists with them. Now dragging along a suicide bomber along while the ship is sinking around you has to be one of the worst ideas of all time, up there with New Coke.

The makers of this version now shoot themselves in the foot, by removing all possible suspense. Shelby Clark decides she must stay and help the doctor (he nastily broke his arm) with the injured. She tells her mother to take Dylan and go, but to leave markers along the way that her and the doctor can follow at a later time. Say goodbye dramatic tension folks, it never returns. In the original film the group barely make it up a makeshift ladder (the ships Christmas tree, duplicated here as well), before the ocean pours in killing all those who stayed behind with the purser. This TV version has the people in the ballroom last for about six hours, and only meets their fate after Richard and the masseuse finally arrive, and take the daughter and doctor with them. Yes, just as the second group leaves (I’m guessing due to the sunrise we saw earlier that at least five or six hours has elapsed), the ocean finally bursts in. The movie’s cutting back and forth between the Navy Operation headquarters, their search for the missing liner, and the survivors onboard, has further destroyed any possible tension. The isolation and doomed atmosphere that existed in the original is completely missing here.
This version even removes the “noble sacrifice” on two separate occasions. In the 1972 version Shelly Winters dives in to save the reverend from drowning, she frees him from being pinned underwater by collapsed wreckage, then tragically dies of a heart attack, and providing one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. In this remake Mrs. Rosen just grabs the rope and dives in to lead the way, the Bishop quickly follows, and gets to have the touching moment of watching her die. Did the writers of this remake actually think this made any dramatic story sense?

Miraculously the two groups then meet up! So I guess the first group was really lollygagging along, giving the second bunch plenty of time to catch up. This just makes my head hurt. They finally make it to the where the bomb blasted a hole in the ships side, but too much wreckage blocks the way. Navy Seals have arrived and try to blast their way through the blockage, but they of course fail. On to the back-up plan! The second bomb that Rogo prevented from being detonated can be used to blow another hole, and allow them to escape. The problem is that the bomb is located in the engine room, which currently holds a lake of fire, and a rickety catwalk is the only way across. Now we get to the loss of the second “noble sacrifice” In the original after Rogo’s wife (no wife in this version, she’s at home with the kids) is killed, Gene Hackman had to jump to a valve to shut off a jet of steam that blocked their path, and after succeeding he dropped to the flames below. A very powerful moment that Hackman really sold. In this version we get Steve Gutenberg giving his family “If I don’t make it know that I’ve always loved you” speeches, but he makes it across with no problem. The masseuse on the other hand, who had the misfortune of sleeping with this loser, falls to her death. I’m not sure what kind of family values message this film was trying to make. Oh, I almost forgot about the terrorists (as did the writers for most of this film), during the crossing of the lake of fire Rogo has a scuffle with him, and the terrorist plunges to his fiery fate. Glad they brought him along.
The Bishop volunteers to activate the bomb because Rogo has a family and yadda-yadda-yadda, so do we finally get our noble sacrifice? Not a chance, the bomb goes off, the Bishop dusts himself off, and everybody jumps out of the hole, and into the waiting arms of the Seal team. The kid sits in one of the zodiacs and records the ship sinking beneath the waves. The End. Thank god this ordeal is finally over.
***

So if you really want to see a film about a group of people trying to make their way through the bowels of a capsized ocean liner I urge you to run out and rent the Irwin Allen versions, or wait for the Wolfgang Peterson remake with Kurt Russell and Josh Lucas, it has to be better than this one.

Raging Sharks

2007-01-31T10:16:00.000-08:00

In shot right out of Aliens a ship that looks like a cross between the Sulaco and the Battlestar Galactica glides across the screen in all it’s majestic wonder, but unfortunately the occupants are two aliens that are more reminiscent of Pinky and the Brain than galactic conquerors, and while bickering in some alien language their ship plows into a huge space station and explodes. A cylinder survives the explosion and soars off through space were it, funnily enough reaches Earth, and slams into a Russian freighter destroying it in a cataclysmic concussive shockwave.

When I picked up this movie from a two for $7 dollar bin I expected your usual low budget shark attack movie, certainly not an opening scene that included an alien spacecraft disaster and a surviving capsules plummeting to Earth. Nothing on the DVD case alluded to an otherworld connection, were the marketers afraid of the sheer stupidity of it, or is it maybe suppose to be a cool reveal? Well I’m only four minutes in so it’s too early to tell.

A title card tells us that it is the Bermuda Triangle Impact Zone Five years later, and deep below the stormy waves of the Atlantic we get our first glimpse of the Oshona Deep Sea Lab and its inhabitants of young and attractive scientists. The sea lab itself is ten years old and everything is starting to break down, all the scientists on board are complaining that they can’t achieve their goals with antiquated equipment, while the project director Mike Olsen (a Kevin Bacon wannabee) would like to see it fail so he and his wife Linda could finally get a job on dry land. Is that a common goal for oceanographic researchers? Meanwhile magnetic spikes seem to be drawing a large number of sharks to the neighborhood, and strange crystals have been found with no Earthly origins.

The excitement quickly mounts as two divers sent out to fix a relay box are attacked by a school of sharks, Linda heroically (in other words stupidly) gets into her wetsuit and swims out to help. Of course she only finds the dead bodies and a bunch of really nasty predators, which she is able to fend off with her trusty knife and dive lamp. Things get a bit worse as one of the sharks chews threw the cable that provides the lab its external power. I guess this shark never saw Jaws 2. But then again this shark shows no ill effects. (Right there I was expecting some one to cry out, “They’ve cut the power? How could they cut the power? They’re just animals!” But I guess the writers were able to show some restraint.) The sharks then begin severing the remaining cables that run up to the support ship.

Mike Olsen, who had gone stateside just prior to the attack, is rushed back to lead the rescue aboard a Navy sub commanded by a disgruntled Corbin Bernsen. So at least we know we’re in good hands. Also aboard the sub is a callous insurance investigator to find out if he’s going to sue them for breach of safety regulations. He may as well be wearing a vest made of chum. Meanwhile the support ship sends a diver down to investigate and he is quickly eaten by a roaring shark…which as this film goes on would seem to have been a more appropriate title. The sharks continue to eat anyone who tries to reach the sea lab, and all seems hopeless for the group of people that we neither care about nor particularly like.

There are a couple of sea lab engineers that are working on repairs, one complains incessantly while the other just agrees with him in such a familiar way that I think Yaphet Kotto and Harry Dean Stanton should be seeking legal action. When head complainer guy refuses to go outside to do the necessary repairs Linda calls him a coward. Yeah, refusing to go outside amongst an armada of killer sharks who tore apart the last two guys who ventured out sure sounds like cowardice to me.

More sharks decide to make a side trip and turn a Bermuda beach into one giant smorgasbord, but one shark is captured and when cut open alien crystals are found in its intestines. A news boat sailing out to catch some footage of the sharks is rammed and sunk, then tension is ratcheted to new heights when it’s revealed the sub has no rescue apparatus on board, and then things start to get silly. Well that’s all the spoilers I’m going to give as I wouldn’t want to deprive any of you of the joy this movie will bring you.

This film is definitely in the Shark Attack class as far as script and acting goes, but the shark effects are actually quite good and don’t rely on CGI all that often. The biggest visual blunder is that we constantly see the surface of the water just above the divers or the sharks that are swimming around thus making it a not to convincing deep sea research station. Still as shark films go can you pass up seeing one that gleefully rips off such films as Alien & Aliens, Jaws 2, Deep Blue Sea, and The Abyss?

King Kong: The Animated Series

2007-01-31T10:03:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are fond of the Rankin-Bass/Toho production of King Kong Escapes it may be worth your while to check out the show that was responsible for it, King Kong: The animated series. In 1966 Rankin and Bass wanted to do a King Kong cartoon but the only way they could get the rights from RKO was if they promised to do a live action Kong movie, and thus King Kong Escapes became their first non-animated feature. The film was loosely tied in with the series; most of the cartoon’s episodes take place on Mondo Island (though some times called Skull Island), there is a pretty girl named Susan (but Susan Bond in the cartoon as opposed to Susan Watson in the movie), and of course one of the recurring villains in the series is that international Judas, Dr. Who.

Professor Bond (it is mentioned that he is an anthropologist, but like many scientist he is also an expert in zoology, geology, and botany) has come to Mondo Island to do research on whatever seems to strike his fancy, and like his predecessor Doctor Benton Quest he insist on bringing his family into a potentially dangerous situations. His teen-age daughter Susan seems to work as his assistant, but it is Bobby Bond who is the central character to the show, it is he who finds Kong and befriends him. The family is dropped off on Mondo Island by Captain Englehorn (this is the only tie in with the 1933 classic and in name only as in this version he is the captain of the Java Queen not the Venture, and looks more like a Japanese version of Mister Magoo than actor Frank Reicher) who warns them of the dangers of the island and specifically of the beast Kong, and he urges the professor to return with him back to the ship. The Professor will hear none of that and the next morning he sends his children out to look for some rare moss. His sole parenting thought is that they should stay with in ear shot. Letting your kids wander around an uncharted and reputedly dangerous island by themselves, yep I don’t see him winning any father of the year awards in the near future.

Bobby of course strolls well beyond ear shot and deep into the jungle where he witnesses a pterodactyl fly off with a hapless armadillo, nearly bumps into a stegosaurus, and then finds himself face to face with a T-Rex. But just as Bobby is about to become a dino-snack Kong appears, grabs the T-Rex by the tail, swings it around and bashes it repeatedly into the ground until it’s dead. Kong and Bobby then become fast friends and the kid convinces Kong to come and meet his family. After a the shock of Bobby’s new friend wears off they all accept the big ape, which is good because it’s the big lug who saves them all from a tidal wave that soon crashes over the island.

Professor Bond wants to do some tests on Kong but the equipment he has with him on the island won’t do, and so they decide to take Kong to the Science Foundation labs in Virginia. Unfortunately getting him there is easier said then done. They get Kong to help build a raft and then they tow the raft behind Engelhorn’s ship the Java Queen. The voyage starts out smoothly until they spot a ship in distress, and it’s up to Kong to wrestle with a kraken to save both ships, which he defeats by stabbing it with the broken mast off the ship. Kongs troubles are far from over as the next day a storm strikes and the raft Kong is on is acting as a sea anchor and is endangering the ship. Captain Englehorn gives Bobby a lesson in morality and makes Bobby cut the tow line, and thus dooming his best friend to die in the storm.

Kong of course does not die but wades ashore in New York City. The army and navy is mobilized but before they can move into kill the ape they are told by the President that an expert is coming to deal with the situation. The Bond family is flown to New York and Bobby, the Kong expert, is given a helicopter to try and talk Kong into leaving the city, but unfortunately the sound of the copters rotors drowns out his voice. Meanwhile Susan has gone to where Kong is rampaging to give talking to him a try, and when tanks fire near her Kong thinks she is in danger, grabs her and legs it to (you guessed it) the Empire State Building. Jets are launched with the intent to scare him off the building. The buzzing planes almost make Kong drop Susan so the ape sets her down to deal with the threat, allowing the planes to now go into kill mode. Bobby takes off to save his buddy and breaks through the military cordon and makes his way up the observation deck. He reaches his Kong just as the ape rips the wing off a passing jet. The pilot bales out safely but the jet crashes into support cables of the Center City Bridge (looks like the Brooklyn Bridge to me) and it starts to fall apart. Bobby chastises Kong for causing all this mess and orders him to go and save the people trapped on the collapsing bridge. Kong easily holds the bridge up while emergency repair parties get to work. The pilot episode ends with the mayor giving Kong the key to the city, and which the big ape immediately sticks in his mouth and chews on.

Most of the series takes place on Mondo/Skull Island with a few outside adventures taking place in Egypt, San Francisco, and the North Pole. Kong fights off many different foes each week such as; under dwellers from Vulcania, giant African killer bees, big game hunters, and even spacemen. But the main nemesis in the series is Dr. Who (looking like a cross between Simon Barsinister and Dr. Silvana) and almost every episode with Dr. Who involves him usually kidnapping some or all of the Bond family, and with plans to hold the world ransom or to control Kong (for what purpose is never made clear) then having these plans stomped on by Kong. Each story is quite short, at about eight minutes each, so the repetitive nature of some of the plots isn’t to annoying, and it does have simply one of the coolest theme songs ever produced. If the Bobby Bond’s voice seems familiar it should as Billie Richards, the actress who provided it, was also the voice of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer in the Rankin and Bass Christmas classic. Now if you are a true Kong fan I advise you to check these out, but a word of warning, the pilot episode is divided, part one is on Vol.1 and part two is on Vol.2 of the DVDs.

King Kong Lives

2007-01-31T09:58:00.000-08:00

The year is 1986 and it’s been ten years since we were treated to the big budget remake of King Kong, and the eagerly awaited sequel has finally made it to the big screen…okay maybe not so eagerly awaited, and maybe what memories we have of the 1976 remake aren’t all that fond, but they’d get it right this time...wouldn’t they? In the director’s chair again is John Guillermin, and we ask ourselves did he learn anything in those ten years between Kongs? (The answer is a big no) My guess is he really needed another paying gig after Sheena did so well for him. I’m just confused as to the reasoning behind the choice of stories for this outing, why make a sequel were Kong survived the 110 story plunge from the World Trade Center, when if you want to make ridiculous and campy story why not remake Son of Kong? As it is King Kong Lives gives the Toho productions of King Kong vs. Godzilla and King Kong Escapes a run for their money in sheer goofiness. Aside from a better ape suit there really isn’t anything that makes it stand apart from its Japanese cousins.

The movie starts with the last few minutes of the 1976 film, Kong climbing the Twin Towers, getting gunned down by helicopters, and falling 1,368 feet to the streets of New York.We hear Kong’s heart thudding as it fades to black, and then we jump ahead ten years to the Altanta Insitute in Georgia where Kong has been apparently have a nice long nap. The steady beating heart we hear tells us that yes Kong is alive if not well. That a vertabrate could fall that height and the result be just a coma is a little on the remarkable side, and it would have been nice if they had mentioned that in the intermening years they had repaired broken bones, performed simian brain surgery, as it all that seems to required to get Kong up and at em is an artificial heart. The head of the Kong medical team is Amy Franklin (Linda Hamilton) and she quickly briefs her superiors that though the 7 million dollar artificial heart works fine, it’s just that Kong has been in a coma to long and his blood has gotten to weak. So he needs a blood transfusion to survive the operation, and being there is no other species on the planet like Kong he is doomed. “Only one thing can save Kong,” Amy states. “A miracle.” Or a complete ridiculous plot contrivance, which if course is what we get as we are whisked away to the jungles of Borneo where we meet our hero Hank Mitchell (Brian Kerwin) as he decides to take a break from his hiking through dense tropical bush by unsuspectingly taking a nap in the hand of a forty foot ape. Luckily he is blonde (this does seem to be a weakness amongst giant simians), and the big ape falls for him, literally as he is saved by some blow gun toting natives (If only she spoke Hovitos), and keels over as she is riddled with poison darts. Yes, no big surprise here that this Kong is a female, but when he tries to sell the ape to the Atlanta Institute Amy almost ruins the deal as she thinks having a girl ape around could complicate Kong’s recovery. She is of course overruled and Lady Kong is flown to Georgia on plane that looks barely big enough to carry Mighty Joe Young, and certainly no big enough for a Kong sized beast.

The operation is a success, with of course some overly dramatic moments, but soon King Kong is on the road to recovery. Now upon awakening Kong immediately smells Lady Kong, who is being housed in a warehouse a mile away, and goes into immediately into “must mate mode.” What makes no sense is that Lady Kong suddenly starts sniffing for her male counterpart, as if she wasn’t able to catch his sent before. (Maybe gorillas don’t give off odors when they sleep) Kong starts jumping at the skylight and giving his cardiac system quite the work out until Amy orders them to knock him out. That they have him restrained with wrist manacles on thirty foot long chains seem rather on the “unsafe” side. Amy races over to complain to her superiors that Lady Kong must be moved as they can’t keep sedating Kong in his weakened condition. They tell her that within 48 hours Lady Kong will be in her new habitat, but when it does come time to move her things do not go well. They try to use bulldozers and cargo nets to wrangle her onto a flatbed truck, but all that does is spook her, and she frantically tries to break free. Meanwhile Kong has awoken, snaps his chains as easily as he did ten years ago (you’d think they might have looked into a stronger method of holding him), and sensing Lady Kong’s distress heads to her rescue.

Kong tears into the warehouse and starts kicking butt and taking names. While tearing Lady Kong free of the cargo nets someone gets the bright idea to have the bulldozers charge him Kong tosses them around like Tonka toys, and is aided by Mitchell who drop kicks one of the drivers. Then the army opens fire on Kong so Mitchell drives a jeep into them. Both Mitchell and Amy break the law so many times in this movie that they shouldn’t see the light of day for at least fifty years. After making goo-goo eyes at each other amidst the chaos the two apes make their escape, with Kong sweeping his lady of her feet.

Dr. Ingersoll runs up to Mitchell and yells, “Ignorant bastard, we could have stopped them!” Mitchell responds with, “Stopped them? You would have killed them!” So Mitchell accepts full responsibility for letting two giant apes just wander off into the world. What’s it to him if they cause untold damages and death…he’s our hero?

With the army mobilized to take down the escaped apes Amy and Mitchell team up to save them. Amy tells Mitchell that the army man in charge, a cigar chomping Colonel Nevitt (John Ashton), has orders to shoot anyone who crosses the perimeter (I’m pretty sure the army is not allowed to shoot civilians unless martial law has been declared), which is rather extreme. Colonel Nevitt orders gas mask be given to all his men as they plan to gas the big apes, a rather rational solution, and one I’m not sure our heroes could argue with.

Meanwhile up in the hills it’s monkey courtship time. Kong tries to win over his lady with offers if trees and a nice little snake (going by the scale of course the snake in his hand would have to be an anaconda, not something you’d expect to see in the hills of Georgia), but Lady Kong is playing hard to get. Kong then goes for the sympathy angle and starts to limp and point at his injured leg. This works and while being tended to Kong even manages to cop a feel.

After evading army roadblocks, patrols, and helicopters (in a scene I hope they didn’t intend to resemble Close Encounters of the Third Kind) they finally catch up to the apes. Night has fallen and both couples decide to hunker done until morning, because an army outfitted with trained rangers and air support shouldn’t be able to find a pair of forty foot apes. I’m really not sure what plans Mitchell and Amy have come up with, maybe sneaking the two Kongs out dressed as the Jolly Green Giant and Mrs. Green Giant?

After a night of hot monkey love (both Kong and Mitchell get lucky) Kong, while getting breakfast for his mate, spots the army as they move in and gas Lady Kong. (This certainly nicer treatment than the army has used against big apes in the past) Kong sees his lady love pass out, and about to be carried away in a big net so he charges. More choppers drop gas on Kong, but to no effect, and then grenades are lobbed in front of him to give the troops time to airlift Lady Kong away. The army then goes returns to form and move in to kill Kong (it is never explained why the army wanted to capture Lady Kong but kill the male), they corner him atop a hill overlooking a river chasm. Meanwhile our heroes steal an army jeep (will their reign of terror never cease?), but are quickly captured (Yeah!). Just as Colonel Nevitt orders his men to open fire Kong leaps into the chasm, and after bashing his head on a rock he disappears under the raging water. Amy’s remote heart monitor confirms that Kong is dead.

Many months later we find Lady Kong under guard at a military base in what looks like a missile silo. She won’t eat and just sits around moaning. When Amy is finally allowed to see her, the reason Lady Kong is upset is made clear, “She feels something. Kong is alive.” When Nevitt says that’s crazy, she responds with, “I feel it too.” This, in my opinion, makes her crazy. Her colleague informs her that Kong would need a thousand pounds of food a day, and out of his natural habitat or captivity he just couldn’t survive.

Of course Amy is right, but what has Kong been eating all these months? Well apparently alligators (in the wide shots they used a cute baby alligator for the guy in the ape suit to pick up, and then cut to a close up of an adult gators ugly puss), though that can’t be his whole diet as I’m not sure that the glades could support a thousand pound a day gator habit. Then one night, while resting amongst a pile of alligator bones, he hears the call of his lost love.

Mitch hasn’t been idle as he returns with a deed to wildlife preserve in Borneo, but the army doesn’t want to turn the ape over, and they can’t even get in to see Colonel Nevitt. When not allowed onto the base Mitch knocks the guard aside and storms in only to be quickly beaten into submission by a couple of soldiers (once again our heroes don’t really go for the well thought out plan route, as I’m not sure what he was going to do if he made all the way to Lady Kong). Is he arrested? Nope, just escorted back to their truck, I guess the military has a soft spot for morons.

Finally Kong can no longer withstand the distant moaning of his mate and he becomes Ape-of-Action. Heading out of the swamp the big lug has to peak in a window to watch a couple of teen-agers making (maybe he’s looking for tips), but this result in alerting the community, and soon he’s up to his neck in redneck hunting parties…or more accurately up to his neck in rocks as one drunk hunting group dynamites a rock slide, burying Kong in rubble. Then in a scene reminiscent of the original Mighty Joe Young they give Kong liquor and try to burn him. The results are the same, one really pissed off giant ape as he tears one of the hunters in two and eats the other.

Unfortunately a diet of gators and drunken rednecks, plus having a mountain dropped on him, has not done Kong any good, and his heart won’t last a day. Now Colonel Nevitt isn’t one to wait around for Kong to die of a heat attack, and he ignores orders to capture Kong, and sends his many to head off Kong and kill him.

***There is one brilliant bit in this movie, and that is when Kong wanders on to a golf course and gets hit in the head with a golf ball. Which must be a homage to the gorilla in The Hilarious House of Frightenstein.***

That night Kong sneaks up and ambushes the army (who knew forty foot apes could be so stealthy), while our heroes sneak into the base to rescue Lady Kong. Mitch and Amy are able to make their way down to Lady Kong’s silo, with only a couple if idiot guards to knock unconscious, where they are shocked to find the ape to be pregnant. They activate the platform that serves as the base of the silo and slowly bring Lady Kong to the surface, but just then one of the guards stops the platform and begins to close the silo doors. Panicking Lady Kong picks up Mitch, and howls with sorrow, but before the silo door can shut completely Kong arrives, tears it open, and helps his lady love out. The two apes take off for the hills with Amy in hot pursuit (in a stolen army truck which she drives through the perimeter fence), because her boyfriend is still in Lady Kong’s hand, and there is no telling how jealous a forty foot age could get.

The Kongs crash a square-dance/family reunion, and Lady Kong plops down into the barn to give birth. While in labor the army arrives and Kong rushes out to defend his lady. The battle is pretty brutal with the army just ripping bloody chunks out of Kong, but Kong does get in a few licks of his own as he tosses tanks and jeeps every witch way, and this is where Nevitt meets his end under Kong’s fist (that he pounds him into the ground in a graveyard is kind of funny). Kong’s heart finally gives out and he collapses next to the barn and lives long enough to see the birth of his son. Now the scale here is completely whacked as the son is smaller Kong’s hand, it’s like if a woman gave birth to a baby the size of a Barbie doll. Kong dies, sad music plays, and our two heroes walk off into the sunrise. We then cut to Borneo where young Kong is swinging on a vine through the jungle like Tarzan (for those of you that don’t know vines actually attached to the jungle floor and it’s not really possible to swing on them from the tree tops), and then the credits roll. What I wanted was another epilogue showing Amy and Mitchell getting arrested as I’m sure breaking into a military base and assaulting the personnel is not taken lightly.

Why ten years after the 1976 remake the producers thought we needed to see more adventures of Kong is truly a mystery to me, and as idiotic and goofy as the script is they could have at least made it more fun by adding a fire breathing monster or maybe a robot Kong. It certainly couldn’t have hurt.

Kingdom of the Spiders

2007-01-31T09:52:00.000-08:00

How can you not love a film that has an opening scene where a 200 lb calf is stalked by a tarantula? The spider POV is right out of Jaws, for the attack itself they throw in the music sting from Psycho, and finally to show us the complete brilliance of the filmmakers they go for a tromboning zoom that wouldn’t look out of place in Dr Tongue’s 3D House of Pancakes.

Kingdom of the Spiders is your typical man against nature film common in the post Jaws era, which pits local veterinarian Dr. Rack Hansen (William Shatner) against a horde of bloodthirsty arachnids. Animals may be first on the menu that changes quickly as these eight legged critters start knocking off the locals as well, but why won’t the mayor listen to the warnings of Rack Hansen? Well because the County Fair is starting up, and we certainly wouldn’t want to scare away those tourist dollars. Sound familiar? And the makers of this film didn’t want to limit themselves to ripping off Jaws as there is a “meet cute” between Shatner and the movies love interest where she mistakes him for a garage attendant, and he plays along with her assumption. Those of you who have seen The Birds will be rolling your eyes during this scene.

Entomologist/love interest Dr Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling) discovers that the these spiders have five times the level of toxicity of normal tarantulas, and deduces that the use of DDTs has killed off the normal food source of the spiders so now they are massing an army to move up the food chain. An attempt to spray the spider mounds with even stronger poison is thwarted when the pilot of the crop duster is bitten to death mid flight. A small group led by Shatner make their way up to the local lodge and barricade themselves in, while in town the populace is running around in mass hysteria as spiders overrun, kill and cocoon what every they can get their tiny little fangs into. At the lodge things don’t fair much better as the phone doesn’t work (switchboard operator cocooned), and the spiders cut the power by crawling into the fuse box and short circuiting it.

I won’t give away the ending for those few out there that haven’t seen this flick, but let’s just say it’s a real kicker. As rip-offs and cheap 70s horror flicks go it does have some great visuals to offer. 10,000 real spiders were used and the sight of them crawling over their victims is enough to make anyone’s skin crawl, and especially if it’s over the prone body of a small child. So for those who like a good insect versus man film I can easily recommend Kingdom of the Spiders, and those connoisseurs of Shatner this is a must see. His Rack Hansen is a bigger sexual predator than Kirk ever was, he strings along his widowed sister-in-law while making moves on the pretty blonde entomologist. Luckily the spiders narrow his options for him.

So run don’t walk to your local video store, and pick up the king of all spider movies, then sit back for a fun night of creepy crawlies.

King Kong Escapes

2007-01-31T09:48:00.000-08:00

How do you top a film like King Kong vs. Godzilla? Well one step in the right direction is to make Kong’s nemesis a giant robot version of himself. I so loved the look and design of the Mecha-Kong when I was a kid that I grabbed a bunch of building blocks, and tube of Elmer’s glue to build my own. Seeing it this many years later one thing stands out clear, which is that every military in the world should at least have one giant robot Kong in their arsenal. King Kong Escapes was produced by Rankin/Bass too tie in with their animated series The King Kong Show, which ran from1966 to1969. As part of their licensing deal for the show they had to deliver a new live action feature film, so they united themselves with Toho Productions allowing us once again to be treated to the sight of Kong stomping Tokyo into the dust. Of course this film is in no way a sequel to King Kong vs. Godzilla this time out Kong is a mere 60ft tall as opposed to his 160ft height he had when battling Godzilla. Also characters once again mention Kong as a mere legend with no reference to him either climbing the Empire State Building or fighting Godzilla across Japan. They even change the name of the island Kong is found on; it’s neither Skull Island as in the 1933 original or Farou Island from the earlier Toho film, nope this time Kong is from Mondo Island.

The film begins with a submarine gliding through the depths of the South Pacific on an oil seeking mission for the United Nations. Lieutenant Susan Watson, a nurse aboard the sub, walks in on Commander Nelson (no not the guy from I Dream of Genie), and Lt. Commander Jiro Nomura who are going over some artist rendering of Kong. The idea of a giant ape intrigues Susan, but though their mission goes near Mondo Island they can’t be making pit stops on the UN’s dime.

Meanwhile at the North Pole inside a secret base we get our first look at robot Kong. Dr. Who (no not the Timelord) has built the robot under the exact specifications from drawings stolen from Commander Nelson. Madam X, a representative of the government that hired Dr. Who, is not convinced that he has not just made a giant toy, but he assures her that his robot can do everything the real Kong could do. For those of you wondering exactly what one would need with a robotic replica of Kong for, well the answer is simple, to dig out element X (and no it isn’t the shaving cream atom, that’s Illudium Phosdex and located on Planet X), a mineral that will apparently lead Madame X’s country to nuclear domination of the world within 100 days. Unfortunately Mecha-Kong’s first trial does not go that well as the magnetic mass of element X fries the robots circuits, and Dr. Who is forced to re-engineer Mecha-Kong with shielded circuits.

Back aboard the submarine an underwater rock slide causes damage to the ships reactor and rudder, so they put into bay on Mondo Island to make repairs. While the sub is being repaired our three heroes take a hover vehicle over to the island to explore. After being warned by a native Ben Gunn wannabe that they are trespassing on King Kong’s home the men ditch Susan to go exploring on their own, with the parting words, “You’ll be safer here, watch yourself.” (These are our heroes?) As we all know you can’t leave a blonde girl alone in a jungle for five minutes without having some nasty beast show up, so one shouldn’t be too surprised when a T-Rex like dinosaur approach arrives. Susan screams her lungs out (her screams reach scary decibels), alerting the men as to what boneheads they are, and also wake the mighty Kong. When Kong arrives on the scene he spots the carnivorous beast but gives him no mind as he has also spotted Susan, and its love at first site. He picks her up, gives her goo-goo eyes for a bit, pokes her with his finger, and then when finally realizing he should maybe get down to some dinosaur stomping action, he puts Susan in the crook of a tree. If the whole scene seems vaguely familiar let’s call it an homage to the 1933 original as it’s already more exciting then the 1976 remake of King Kong, so let’s cut it some slack. The T-Rex gets a few good drop kicks in but is no match for the king of the summersault, and he is quickly pounded into submission. Kong claims is prize and is about to stride off into the jungle when Susan telling him to put her down. Kong does and watches her run into the arms of another man, but before he can make issue of this (I’m completely on Kong’s side here as Nelson is a complete boob) the T-Rex, who was only stunned, clamps its jaws on Kong’s leg. Taking this an opportune moment to get away our “heroes” leg it back to the sub. Kong pounds on the dinosaur for a bit before go for his trademark jawbreaker move, but what is strange is that instead of blood pouring from the beast’s broken jaw we get soap bubbles (another mystery for paleontologists to ponder I guess). While their hovercraft makes it way to the sub they are intercepted by a sea serpent, only to have Kong chuck a rock at the beast, braining it, and saving our heroes…again. Kong wrestles with the serpent (dredging up memories of the Rick Baker snake wresting scene in the 1976 remake) while the hovercraft docks with the sub. Not being able to dive due to the still busted rudder Kong is able to catch the sub and gives it a good rocking. Susan climbs out of the conning tower to placate Kong while the ship finishes it repairs with stirring dialogue like, “Kong don’t shake the ship. I sleep and I eat on this ship.” How could any 60ft ape argue with that? After convincing Kong that she really, really doesn’t want to go with him, the heartbroken ape let’s them go.

Back in New York Nelson briefs the UN council on the nature of Mondo Island and of the plans to return, and study the inhabitants. One of the reporters turns out to be Madame X and she alerts Dr. Who about Nelson’s plans, and they decide to scrap the whole fix Mecha-Kong idea and grab the real Kong, believing they can use Susan to control Kong, and get him to dig out element X for them. So getting a jump on the Nelson expedition, Dr. Who arrives at Mondo Island, captures Kong with the help if gas bomb dropping helicopters, and then with claw and cable they airlift Kong, but not before Dr. Who shoots the annoying Ben Gunn character (I’m really starting to side with the bad guys here). Kong is lowered into the hold of Dr. Who’s ship, and they sail for the North Pole just as Nelson and company arrive.

The expedition finds traces of a battle, remnants shell casings, and ether residue, but it’s the finding of dying Ben Gunn that tips them off, with his last words he tells them that, “An oriental skeleton, a devil with the eyes of a gutter rat, kidnapped Kong, and took him away into the sky.” This is enough for Nelson to deduce that the man behind it all must be, “My old friend that international Judas, Dr. Who.” (This guys is better than Sherlock Holmes)

Dr. Who’s plan is to use hypnosis to control Kong, with the back-up plan of kidnapping the easily duped Nelson, Susan, and Nomura, and using them to control Kong. Once again things don’t go quite as plans as no sooner does the hypnotized Kong begin digging out the element X then it’s radioactive properties free Kong from his hypnotic trance, so on to the back-up plan. First they attempt to seduction and bribery, with Madame X to work her wiles on Nelson, and of course this fails as Nelson is you know, heroic and stuff. Next Dr. Who invites Nelson for a game of chess while the cell with his friends inside is turned into a deep freeze. Stoically our hero plays chess while Susan and Nomura freeze their asses off. (Is this guy really the hero?) In the frigid cell Nomura offers Susan his shirt, but she refuses and proceeds wrap her arms around him for warmth. (Wow, looks like the sidekick may get lucky)

On to Dr. Who’s next brilliant move, he arrives at the cell and proceeds to threaten to scar Susan by pressing her face against the freezing steel walls, luckily this when Kong, who had been locked in the mining tunnel behind a huge steel door, decides to make his escape. Dr. Who and the guards rush to see what is going on allowing Susan and Nomura to get free and hook-up with Nelson…and Madame X. Mecha-Kong is quickly sent out after Kong, while the trio is recaptured while sharing a drink with Madame X.

After a nice swing Kong arrives in Tokyo, with Dr. Who and company in hot pursuit. In the hold of Who’s ship are trio are in irons, but not for long as Madame X can not sit idly by while thousands may be killed in a battle between Mecha-Kong and King Kong, and she frees them and helps them off of the ship.

Just as the army is about to engage Kong Nelson arrives at army headquarters and tells them that to attack Kong will only insure the destruction of Tokyo, while Susan and Nomura have made it to the front lines and manage to calm Kong down…well calm right up until Mecha-Kong shows up. Susan tries to get Kong to run away, telling him hat he can’t beat a machine, but being a guy Kong ignores her and goes onto prove he’s got the right stuff. Mecha-Kong seems to have the advantage as he has been outfitted with the hypnotic device, and when it’s engaged Kong is powerless. Luckily Nomura is a sharp shooter and is able to disable the device with a few well placed shots (well folks looks like we may have found our hero). Freed once again from the hypnotic trance Kong goes into battle mode. After tossing Kong around for a bit Mecha-Kong picks up Susan and proceeds to climb Tokyo tower. Then from loud speakers in Mecha-Kong’s mouth Dr. Who orders Kong to return to the ship or he will have the robot drop the girl.

Meanwhile on board the ship Madame X makes her move, it’s not a brilliant move, and results in her getting shot in the arm with her own gun.

King Kong climbs up after Mecha-Kong, I guess he doesn’t give into blackmail…that or he’s an ape and had no idea what Dr. Who was babbling about. Kong reaches the robots foot and starts tugging on it. This causes Mecha-Kong to drop Susan, and Kong makes the catch of the day. Kong places her in a “safe” place on the tower and continues to climb up after the robot, and getting kicked in the head quite a few times for his troubles. The titanic struggle is not doing the structural integrity of the tower any good, and soon it is been shook to pieces. Nomura races up the tower and rescues Susan as the two giants’ battle far above them. Mecha-Kong steps on a power cable which seems to short out some of his controls, and before Dr. Who can switch to his back control Madame X makes her move (yeah they kept her around after that first brilliant move of hers), and she pulls out all the control cables. Dr. Who puts to rounds in her chest, but as she dies so does Mecha-Kong, as it topples to the streets below, smashing to pieces.

Nelson arrives and Susan runs into his arms. WHAT! She goes with Nelson who has done nothing in this film but desert her, play chess with the villain, and make time with Madame X! While Nomura has put his ass on the line for her time and time again! Man he was so jipped! For a minute there I thought this film was going to be real progressive and the Japanese dude was going to end up with the chick. I guess I was just being delusional.

Well the movie is quickly rapped up as Susan sicks Kong on Dr. Who’s ship. Kong dives in after it, gives the boat a right royal pounding and the international Judas know as Dr. Who is no more. As Kong starts his long swim back him she tries to call him back, but is told to let him go as, “Kong has enough of what we call civilization.”

The End

King Kong Escapes is a much more straight forward story, and nowhere near as goofy as King Kong vs. Godzilla, and for sheer coolness of Mecha–Kong it gets my vote. But I highly recommend both films for a guaranteed fun evening.

King Kong vs Godzilla

2007-01-31T09:40:00.000-08:00

“There is more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” You know you’re off to a good start when a film about two giant monsters brawling starts with a quote from Shakespeare. Now King Kong is my all time favorite movie monster with only the Frankenstein’s monster getting anywhere close on the empathy meter (he never took on a T-Rex so he loses major points for that), so when as a kid I came across a film pitting my favorite monster up against Godzilla I just had to check it out. Of course a question that may have popped into the head of the casual viewer is, “Just how do you choreograph a fight between a forty foot ape and a 160 foot atomic fire-breathing dinosaur?” Well in 1962 Toho studios came up with a simple solution to that one, make Kong bigger, and say good bye to the brilliant stop-motion animation of Willis O’Brien, as in this film Kong, like Godzilla, is depicted by a guy in a rubber suit. Now the best way to enjoy this film is to divorce yourself from the idea that it is in anyway connected to the 1933 King Kong, as no reference is made to when this takes place, and unless we are suppose to believe Kong survived the fall from the Empire State Building, then this film must take place in an elseworld, a world inhabited by the likes of Rodan and Mothra, and not the inhabitants of the original Skull Island. Taking it for what it is, another installment in the Kaiju series, it is really fun and vastly entertaining.

The film starts with the announcement that a berry called soma has been discovered on Farou Island, and is some kind of chemotherapy wonder narcotic that has no addictive side effects. The natives of the island don’t want to part with this wonder-berry as they use it to placate the giant god of the island, who allegedly got big from eating the berries. I must say giving a giant ape narcotics is probably more effective in keeping the beast happy, than sacrificing tiny young women would be.

Needing better publicity the pharmaceutical company decides that while there on the island stealing berries they might as well bag a monster to help with their public image. (What’s really scary is this is almost like what happens in the 1976 King Kong only its oil instead of medicine. Sad to think of Dino De Laurentiss ripping of Japanese monster films for his ideas.) Meanwhile an atomic submarine, while investigating a glowing a radioactive iceberg, idiotically plow right into the berg, and release Godzilla who had been trapped inside. Godzilla of course heads straight for Japan.

The army, which proved to be not all that effective in previous encounters with Godzilla, is mobilized. They are of course ineffective this time as well as Godzilla melts the tanks, and stomps all who stand in his way. I’d just like to see one Godzilla film were the head of the military just tells his superiors to go to hell, instead of constantly sending his men to their doom. *special note* no reference is made to any previous Godzilla film, and in fact it seems like the scientist interviewed (who think he is a cross between a T-Rex and a Stegosaurus) theorize that he’s been frozen in the ice for millions of years.

The expedition to Farou Island has its agenda changed from publicity stunt seeking to egomania driven stupidity. The chairman of the pharmaceutical company enraged by all the news coverage of Godzilla declares he wants his own monster. So the company sends possibly the lamest outfitted expedition (two guys and one of them is comic relief) in the history of exploration, to bring back this legendary god. While searching for the Kong they encounter a giant octopus (was amazed to see a real octopus used here, and surprised at how well it moved on land) which has come into the village to get some of the great soma berry juice. Hearing his supply of juice is in danger Kong makes a grand entrance, and immediately attacks the octopus. For those of you who were wondering what a man in an ape suit would like wrestling an octopus…well you’re in for a treat. It’s a quick battle and after driving the sea creature away with a few well thrown boulders Kong decides it’s time to get hammered. He starts picking up and drinking jar after jar of soma, until he passes out in a drunken stupor. (Kong’s behavior reminded me a lot of the “King Homer” segment of the Simpsons: Tree House of Horror). While sleeping it off Kong is quickly bundled off onto a giant raft, and towed back to Japan. The Japanese government, not to keen on the idea of a second monster roaming their countryside, has the navy intercepts the boat towing Kong, and insists they return him to Farou Island. Then things go from bad to worse as Kong awakes, not in the best of moods, and starts to break free of the raft. As a precaution explosives were placed on the raft, but when detonated all they seemed to due is free Kong a little faster. Kong then proceeds to head on an intercept course for the rampaging Godzilla, the reason for this is Kong and Godzilla are apparently natural enemies (this is all explained by a scientist who keeps appearing through out the film making outrages and unsubstantiated claims), and Kong can some how sense where Godzilla is. So almost an hour into the movie the promised combat finally gets underway, but as fights go it is a bit of a let down. Kong is reduced to throwing a few boulders at Godzilla, who intern ignites the forest around the giant ape with his atomic breath, and causing Kong to run away. I’m guessing the makers of the film realized they had a bit of a problem pitting a fire-breathing dinosaur against a creature covered in hair, and making it seem like much of a fight.

With Kong on the run Godzilla continues his destructive rampage, while the military works on plans to stop him. A massive pit is constructed and filled with dynamite, and poison gas. Driven into the pit by rivers ignited by gallons of gasoline, the king of the lizards falls into the pit, and the charges are set off. Anybody out there think that had any effect on Godzilla? Didn’t think so. A second line of defense consisting of high tension wires containing one million volts is set up as final blockade. Scientist states that while Godzilla may shy away from electricity Kong actually grows stronger high voltage (Don’t ask me how they figured that one out). The electrical blockade does prove effective in turning away Godzilla, but then quickly news comes that Kong has entered Tokyo. After tearing through the high tension wires, chomping on the cables, and then absorbing the energy, Kong attacks a train, and for no reason I can see grabs a lone Japanese woman, and walks off with her. Well there actually is good reason, for the army a notified that Kong is carrying a girl and so they hold their fire (apparently hostage taking is something he learned in the jungle). Kong proceeds to climb a building and it is truly is a site to see, a 160 foot ape standing atop a 100 foot building. A brilliant plan is devised, involving a rocket and dropping soma juice on to Kong in the hopes it will put him to sleep. The plan works flawlessly, Kong falls asleep, the girl is rescued, and all seems right with the world…oh wait Godzilla is about to break through the blockade. So they decide to airlift Kong with huge helium filled balloons, and drop him in the path of Godzilla, with the hopes that they will destroy each other.

Come morning the helicopters towing the floating Kong spot Godzilla, drop the giant ape just as he awakes, and then sit back to watch the fireworks. The following fight resembles more of a drunken brawl than the battle between titans. Kong seems reduced to throwing boulders and tugging on Godzilla’s tail, while Godzilla’s atomic breath only seems capable of singeing Kong’s fur. Then Kong brains himself while doing a silly summersault, and then Godzilla proceeds to bury the dazed ape under rocks. Just when things look really bad for a Kong an electrical storm arrives, he is hit by lightning and is re-energized. With “shocking” grasps, punches, and a few cool judo moves Kong starts to kick the crap out of Godzilla. The two behemoths rage across the countryside destroying everything in their path, until they both tumble off a cliff into the sea, and disappear beneath the waves. There is a brief cataclysmic earthquake, that serves no purpose that I could discern, and then Kong appears swimming back home…apparently the victor. Though just as the last credit shows we hear the trademark Godzilla roar.

Not the greatest of its type but the completely idiotic dialogue and goofy premise make this a very enjoyable ninety minutes.